Funny Jokes - Did you hear about the retired Astronout?

Funny Jokes - Did you hear about the retired Astronout?

Did you hear about the retired astronaut who opened an unsuccessful restaurant on the moon. The food was great, but there was no atmosphere.

Funny Jokes - THE FIVE SECRETS OF A PERFECT RELATIONSHIP

Funny Jokes - THE FIVE SECRETS OF A PERFECT RELATIONSHIP

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time
to time, who cleans up and who has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie
to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be
with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each
other.

Funny Jokes - The Whole Lot

Funny Jokes - The Whole Lot

A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned into a pillar of salt."

The son asked, "What happened to the flea?"

Funny Jokes - Meal At McDonalds

Funny Jokes - Meal At McDonalds

A little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds one cold winter evening.

They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night.

Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what The admirers were thinking: "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"

The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal.

The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.

The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking: "That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his French fries, one young man stood and came over to the old couple's table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat.

The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat. This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together.

As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food.

After being politely refused again, he finally asked a question of the lttle old lady: "Ma'am, why aren't you eating? You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?"

"The teeth," she answered.

Funny Jokes - Nursing Home

Next step in retirement.....

No nursing home for me. I am checking into the Holiday Inn!
With the average cost for a nursing home per day reaching $188.00, there is a better way when we get old and feeble. I have already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn. For a combined long term stay discount and senior discount, it's $49.23 per night. That leaves $138.77 a day for: breakfast, lunch and dinner in any restaurant I want or room service. Laundry, gratuities and special TV movies. Plus, they provide a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, washer, dryer, etc. Most have free toothpaste and razors and all have free shampoo and soap.

They treat you like a customer, not a patient. $5 worth of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling to help you. There is a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. To meet other nice people, call a church bus on Sundays. For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you're at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise, the cash keeps building up.

It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And you are not stuck in one place forever, you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city. Hawaii? They have a Holiday Inn there too.

T.V. broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything and apologize for the inconvenience. The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are ok. If not, they will call the undertaker or an ambulance. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation. The grandkids can use the pool. What more can you ask for?

So, when I reach the golden age I'll face it with a grin. Just forward all of my email to: me @ Holiday.Inn

Funny Jokes

Funny Jokes - A letter to Tide detergent

Funny Jokes - A letter to Tide detergent

Dear Tide,

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! One evening about a
month ago, while at home, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse.
My husband started to berate me about my drinking problem and how expensive
the blouse was. Well, one thing lead to another and I ended up with a lot
of his blood on my white blouse, as well.

I tried to get the stains out using the bargain brand detergent my cheap
husband bought, but they just wouldn't come out. I went to the local
convenience store and got a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative,
and all of the stains came out! They came out so well, in fact, that the
forensic DNA tests were all negative!

I thank you, once again, for a great product!

Well, gotta go, I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.

Sincerely,

Recently Widowed

Funny Jokes - Age Jokes - SIGNS OF WEAR - Old Age

Funny Jokes - Age Jokes - SIGNS OF WEAR - Old Age

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee. If you're under 50, this may be amusing. If you're over 50, this is probably reality

Funny Jokes and Funny Sayings

Funny Jokes and Funny Sayings
Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.
Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.
No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.
There are no new sins....the old ones just get more publicity.
There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4AM. It could be a right number. Think about this...,
No one ever says "It's only a game" when his team is winning.
I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Escort.
After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.

Funny Jokes - Types of Bras

Funny Jokes - Types of Bras

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. "What type of bra?" asked the clerk. "Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"

"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour and material imaginable. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from."

Relieved, the man asked about the types.

The saleslady replied "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them. The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple ...

The Catholic type supports the masses.

The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,

The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and

The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.

Funny Jokes - Collect Call

Funny Jokes - Collect Call


My mother was away all weekend at a business conference.

During a break, she decided to call home collect. My six-year-old brother picked up the phone and heard a stranger's voice say, "We have a Betty on the line. Will you accept the charges?"

Frantic, he dropped the receiver and came charging outside screaming, "Dad! They've got Mom! And they want money!"

Funny Jokes - Dating Service

Funny Jokes - Dating Service

A woman went to a computer dating service and said she didn't care about looks, income or background. All she wanted was a man of upright character.

Then a man came in and told them the only thing he was seeking in a woman was intelligence.

The service matched them together at once because they had one thing in common -- they were both pathological liars.

Funny Jokes - Diet Jokes - Low in Calories

Funny Jokes - Diet Jokes - Low in Calories

My friends and I had joined a weight-loss organization. At one meeting the instructor held up an apple and a candy bar. "What are the attributes of this apple," she asked, "and how do they relate to our diet?" "Low in calories" and "lots of fiber" were among the answers.

She then detailed what was wrong with eating candy, and concluded, "Apples are not only more healthful but also less expensive. Do you know I paid seventy-five cents for this candy bar?" We stared as she held aloft the forbidden treat.

From the back of the room a small voice spoke up: "I'll give you a dollar for it."

Funny Jokes - The IRS and the Rabbi

Funny Jokes - The IRS and the Rabbi

Internal Revenue Service sent their auditor to a synagogue. The auditor does all the checks and then turns to the Rabbi, and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."

"Yes," answered the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.

"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd go on, in his obnoxious way... "Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with
the crumbs from the matzo?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to
the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."

"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"

"Yes, here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we send them to the IRS."

" IRS?" questioned the auditor in disbelief. "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "IRS..and about once a year,they send us a little prick like you."

Funny Jokes - Golf Jokes - A Perfect Shot

Funny Jokes - Golf Jokes - A Perfect Shot

Bob stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing.

Finally his exasperated partner asked, "What in hell is taking so long?"

"My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse balcony," Bob explained. "I want to make a perfect shot."

"Good lord," his companion exclaimed. "You don't have a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."

Attitude is Everything!

Attitude is Everything!

There once was a woman who woke up one morning, looked in the mirror,
and noticed she had only three hairs on her head.
"Well," she said, "I think I'll braid my hair today." So she did and
she had a wonderful day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and saw that she had
only two hairs on her head.
"H-M-M, " she said, "I think I'll part my hair down the middle today."
So she did and she had a grand day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that she had
only one hair on her head.
"Well," she said, "Today I'm going to wear my hair in a pony tail." So
she did and she had a fun, fun day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that there
wasn't a single hair on her head.
"YEAH!" she exclaimed, "I don't have to fix my hair today!"

Attitude is everything

From Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea

Funny Jokes - For the Sick

Funny Jokes - For the Sick

A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.

"Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?"

"No," her mother replied.

"Well, I think I'm gonna be sick, Mommy!"

"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and then behind a bush."

After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat.

"Were you sick?" her mom asked.

"Yes."

"How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?"

"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick.'"

INDICATORS THAT YOUR EMPLOYER HAS CHANGED TO A CHEAPER HEALTH CARE PLAN

INDICATORS THAT YOUR EMPLOYER HAS CHANGED TO A CHEAPER HEALTH CARE PLAN:

10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.
9) Directions to your Doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."
8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Rotor-Rooter.
6) The only item listed under Preventative Care Coverage is "An Apple a day".
5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
4) The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges.
3) The only expense covered 100% is "embalming".
2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED A VERY CHEAP HEALTH CARE PLAN:

1) You ask for Viagra, and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct tape.

Funny Jokes - 3 Nurses go to Heaven

Funny Jokes - 3 Nurses go to Heaven

Three nurses died and went to Heaven, where they were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.

To the first, he asked, "So, what did you used to do back on Earth? Why do you think you should be allowed to come into Heaven?"

"I was a nurse at an inner city hospital," she replied. "I worked to bring healing and peace to many sufferers, especially poor, helpless children.

"Very noble," said St. Peter. "You may enter."
And in through the Gates she went.

To the next, he asked the same question, "So, what did you used to do?"

"I was a nurse at a missionary hospital in the Amazon basin," she replied. "For many years, I worked with a skeleton crew of doctors and nurses who tried to reach out to as many people across numerous tribes, with a hand of healing and peace, and with the message about God`s love."

"How touching," said St. Peter. "You, too, may enter."
And in she went.

He then came to the last nurse, to whom he asked, "So, what did you used to do back on Earth?"

After some hesitation, she explained, "I was just a nurse at an HMO."

St. Peter pondered this for a moment, and then said, "Ok, you may enter, too."
"Whew!" said the nurse. "For a moment there, I thought you weren`t going to let me in."
"Oh, you can come in," said St. Peter, "but you can only stay for three days."