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4.30.2006

Funny Jokes - Blue 56

A man goes to the doctor to find out about his tests. "It's real bad, I'm afraid", says the doc "you've got a disease so new that it hasn't even got a name yet - we just call it 'Blue 56'. The only certain thing is that you'll be dead in three days"

Naturally the guy is devastated, and goes into a big depression. His girlfriend suggests they go to Vegas
to cheer him up just a bit till the end comes. So he goes reluctantly. As he walks into the Casino, he's the millionth customer and wins a brand new Rolls Royce. Then he pulls the handle of a slot machine as he passes,and wins the golden jackpot of $7m. He sits down for a rest at the Blackjack table and wins
$100,000 - straight 21's and he can't even be bothered to turn the cards.

Weighed down with money,he throws it onto the nearest table. But it's the roulette wheel and the money is on 22 - which promptly comes up! "Wow," says the croupier, "I never seen luck like that in my whole life!"

"No, you don't understand" says the guy "I've got blue 56"
"That's Amazing! Now you've won the raffle!!"

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4.29.2006

Funny Jokes - Passing the hat

Funny Jokes - Passing the hat

A hat was passed around a church congregation to take up an offering for the visiting minister.

Presently, it was returned to him...embarrassingly empty.

Slowly, the Pastor inverted the hat and shook it meaningfully.

Then, raising his eyes heavenward, he exclaimed,

"I thank you, Lord, that I got my hat back from this congregation."

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4.27.2006

Funny Jokes - Words to Live By

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
6. No one is listening until you pass gas.
7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
16. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
17. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
18. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
19. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
20. There are two theories about arguing with women. Neither one works.
21. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
22. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
23. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
24. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass...then things get worse.
25. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
26. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
27. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
28. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday...around age 11.
29. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
30. THE MOST WASTED DAY OF ALL IS ONE IN WHICH WE HAVE NOT LAUGHED.

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Funny Jokes - Hillbilly Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, a North Georgia Mountain couple decided 11 was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in the North Georgia Mountains), light it, put it in an empty beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me, " said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1" "2" "3" "4" "5" ....... At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Kentucky, Mississippi, West Virginia, Arkansas, Missouri and parts of Tenn.

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Funny Jokes - Rules for Debate

Most often people will disagree on issues of the day, but just because someone doesn't think like you doesn't mean you should call him evil and kill him. That's what extremists do. Instead, following these steps you can have a nice discussion with someone with different viewpoints and both come out of it smarter.

DO consider the merits of viewpoints different to your own.

DON'T throw out your own principles just to be agreeable. No one gains from that.

DO listen carefully to what the other person is saying. Try to understand their different viewpoint.

DON'T use the time while the other person is speaking as just an opportunity to formulate your own rebuttal.

DO try to find areas of agreement no matter how much you differ on an issue.

DON'T compare the other person's views to Hitler. Hitler was a bad man, and no one likes being compared to him.

DO keep on topic. You're more likely to learn from each other if you keep the talk focused.

DON'T kick the other person in the groin when he strays. He might forget what you were talking about in the first place.

DO make all disagreements in a friendly tone.

DON'T follow all disagreements with putting the other person's head through drywall. That gives who you're talking to no time to consider what you said. Also, it's hard to repair the drywall and paint over it perfectly to cover up the hole.

DO agree to disagree when reaching a stopping point.

DON'T declare an intifada and blow yourself and the other person up so you can get 72 virgins. You both lose if you do that, and you should focus on finding one nice girl (or guy) in this world.

DO stick to your principles while still considering what the other person says.

DON'T pile drive the other person into a folding table when you find a topic you vehemently disagree on. Though it would be cool, it's just not civil.

DO back up your statement with facts when necessary.

DON'T punch the other person through the chest, pull out his heart, and show it to him before he dies when you feel run into a corner. That's usually a non-sequitur to the debate... unless the debate is whether you can actually pull someone's heart out and show it to him before he dies.

DO make sure not to get caught up arguing minutia.

DON'T burn the other person's house down over a small disagreement on a fact. Yes, insurance will probably cover it, but he'll be less likely to listen to what else you say.

DO make sure to not raise your tone of voice no matter how heated things get.

DON'T silently lower the other person in a slow dipping device into a pit full of ravenous monkeys until he admits you're right. Getting the other person to agree with you through other means that intelligent discussion gains nothing for either party.

DO be willing to admit you're wrong if the other person is convincing. Admitting you're wrong can seem painful, but, when you do it, you suddenly become right.

DON'T commit seppuku if you discover you're wrong on an issue. There are other ways to bring honor to your family.

Follow these rules and you should have some nice, friendly, intelligent discussions. Hooray!

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Funny Jokes - Short Jokes

Funny Jokes - Short Jokes

How do you know you're really ugly?
Dogs close their eyes when they're humping your leg.

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Funny Jokes - Short Jokes

Funny Jokes - Short Jokes

How can you make your wife mad while making love?
Call her from your cell phone.

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Funny Jokes - Short Jokes

Funny Jokes - Short Jokes

How do you spot the blind man at a nudist colony?
It isn't hard.

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Funny Jokes - Short Jokes

Funny Jokes - Short Jokes

What should a woman say to a man she's just had sex with?
Whatever she wants. He's sleeping.

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Funny Jokes - Short Jokes

Funny Jokes - Short Jokes

What is the best thing about dating a homeless woman?
You can drop her off anywhere.

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Funny Jokes - Short Jokes

Funny Jokes - Short Jokes

What's similar between a tornado and an Alabama divorce?
Either one, somebody's afixin' to lose a trailer...

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4.26.2006

Funny Jokes - Internet Jokes - Signs of Internet Addiction

The last time you looked at the clock it was 11:30pm, and in what seems like only a few seconds later, your little sister runs past you to catch her 7am school bus.
The remote to the T.V. is missing...and you don't even care.
You begin to wonder how your ISP can call 400 hours per month "unlimited!"
You ask a plumber if he could replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
The last girl you picked up was a 1600x1200 jpeg.
You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP ...because you never log off!
Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed with us."
You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job.
You scan restroom stall for hot HTML addresses.
You have comandeered your teenager's phone line for the net and even his friends know not to call on his line anymore.
You check your email. It says "no new messages." So you check it again...and again...and again...
You suddenly realize there is not a sound in the house, and you have no clue where your children are.
Your dog has its own home page.
You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened.
You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.
Your bookmark list takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
You're surprised to learn there's also a 2 o'clock in the "afternoon".
You unsuccessfully try to download pizza from www.dominos.com.
Your mouse-clicking forearm rivals Popeye's.
Batteries in the TV remote now last for years.
Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.

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Lawyer Jokes - The Witness

Lawyer Jokes - The Witness

One day at a trial, an eminent psychologist was called to testify. A severe no nonsense professional, she sat down in the witness chair unaware that it's rear legs were set precariously on the back of the raised platform.

"Will you state your name?" asked the district attorney.

Tilting back in her chair she opened her mouth to answer, but instead catapulted head-over-heels backward and landed in a stack of exhibits and recording equipment.

Everyone watched in stunned silence as she extricated herself, rearranged her dishevelled dress and hair and was reseated on the witness stand. The glare she directed at onlookers dared anyone to so much as smirk.

"Well, doctor," continued the district attorney without changing expression, "we could start with an easier question."

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Funny Jokes - Golf Gun

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. How was he killed?" asked one detective. With a golf gun," the other detective replied. "A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?" "I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."

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Funny Jokes - Computer Jokes - Microsoft Frog

If a swamp frog goes ribb-it....ribb-it....ribb-it; and a Busch frog goes
bud....weis....er, what does a Windows ME frog sound like?

Re-boot.....Re-boot.....re-boot.

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4.24.2006

Funny Jokes - Chocolate

Chocolate is a vegetable. Chocolate is derived from cacao beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.

To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy. So candy bars are a health food.

Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.

If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger. Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy?

If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can you?

http://www.quotesquotes.com/
http://funnydirtyjokes.blogspot.com/

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Funny Jokes - Excercise

Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000/month.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.

The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

And last but not least...

I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

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4.21.2006

Training

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee. The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee. The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto. We're still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the heck was all that about, anyway?"

"Me in training for upper management position. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the shit and disappear for rest of the day".

http://quotations.home.worldnet.att.net/funny.html

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4.19.2006

Funny Jokes - Test your IQ

Test your IQ

Test your IQ with the question below:

There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action
of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the
shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how
should he express himself?

Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer...














He just has to open his mouth and ask, so simple. If you got this wrong
please do not pass go, do not breed, just go dig a hole and hide.

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4.13.2006

Funny Jokes - It's Tax Time

Funny Jokes - It's Tax Time

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die, you will have my remains cremated."

"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"

The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope, 'Now, you have everything.'"

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4.11.2006

Funny Jokes - Lawyer Jokes

Funny Jokes - Lawyer Jokes

What's the difference between God and a lawyer?

God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

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Funny Jokes - Lawyer Jokes

Funny Jokes - Lawyer Jokes

Did you hear about the terrorists who took a whole courtroom full of lawyers hostage?

They threatened to release one every hour until their demands were met.

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Funny Jokes - Lawyer Jokes

Funny Jokes - Lawyer Jokes

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.


What's another difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

Removable wingtips.

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Funny Jokes - Lawyer Jokes

Funny Jokes - Lawyer Jokes

What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?

Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.

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Funny Jokes - Lawyer Jokes

Funny Jokes - Lawyer Jokes

What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?

His partners.

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Funny Jokes - Lawyer Jokes

Funny Jokes - Lawyer Jokes

What do you call a lawyer gone bad?

Senator.

Funny Jokes - Lawyer Jokes

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?

Your Honor.

Funny Jokes - Lawyer Jokes


What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?

Chelsea Clinton.

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Funny Jokes - Lawyer Jokes

Funny Jokes - Lawyer Jokes

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

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Funny Jokes - Lawyer Jokes

Funny Jokes - Lawyer Jokes

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

How many can you afford?


How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb

Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.

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Funny Jokes - Lawyer Jokes

Funny Jokes - Lawyer Jokes

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?

They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

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4.10.2006

Funny Jokes - Dog Killed

Funny Jokes - Dog Killed

A young boy in Macon Georgia was attacked by a dog. A passerby grabbed the dog and choked it to death, saving the child's life.

As this was all happening, the editor of the Macon newspaper was driving by. He was thrilled to have witnessed this act of heroism by the man. He told the man that his name would be on the front page of the next day's edition. The headline would read, "Macon man saves boy's life".

The man replied, "That's wonderful, but I'm not from Macon."

The editor says, "Fine, how about, 'Georgia man saves boy's life'?"

The man says, "That's fine, but I'm not from Georgia."

The editor says, "Okay, where are you from?"

The man explains that he is on vacation from Illinois.

The next day, the front page of the paper read, "Deranged Yankee Kills Family Pet."

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Funny Jokes - Weather Forecast

Funny Jokes - Weather Forecast

A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an Old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain." The next day it rained. A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm." The next day there was a hailstorm.

"This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks.

Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?"

The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "My radio is broken."

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Funny Jokes - Golf Jokes - Distractions

Funny Jokes - Golf Jokes - Distractions

Two friends had arranged a round of golf and were now on the first tee, preparing to start their game at 7 a.m. Just as the first was half way up his backswing, a good looking young lady ran across the course about 10 yards in front of him, peeling off her clothes as she went until she was totally naked. As she disappeared into the woods he turned, dazed, to his companion, "What was that about?!!!"

"Take no notice. Just get on with the game," replied the other.

Settling down and lining up for his drive, the first golfer then noticed four men in white coats running across the course on a similar track to the young lady. "What......???!!!"

"Look. Just get on with the game," said the second. "We don't have all day, and you know the course closes at 9 p.m."

For the third time the golfer squared up to the ball, only to be distracted by another man in a white coat running across the fairway, lugging two buckets of sand. "Now, hold on a minute," said the first golfer, "I'm not playing until you tell me what's going on."

"OK." said the second. "Just over the wall there is an asylum. The young lady is a patient who escapes and runs around naked from time to time. The guys in white coats are chasing her."

"I'll buy that," said the first, "but what's with the guy and the two buckets of sand?"

"He's the guy who caught her the last time. That's his handicap."

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4.08.2006

Funny Jokes - The Affair

Funny Jokes - The Affair

"The thrill is gone from my marriage," Bill told his friend Doug.

"Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?" Doug suggested.

"But what if my wife finds out?"

"Heck, this is a new age we live in, Bill. Go ahead and tell her about it!"

So Bill went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together."

"Forget it," said his wife. "I've tried that a couple of dozen times - it didn't work."

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Funny Jokes - Phone Calls Made After the Super bowl:

Funny Jokes - Phone Calls Made After the Super bowl:

President Bush called the Patriots and complemented them on a great game.

Al Gore called the Panthers and said he thought they were robbed.

Bill Clinton called Janet Jackson.

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4.07.2006

Funny Jokes - CHINESE PROVERBS

Funny Jokes - CHINESE PROVERBS


Man who run in front of car get tired.


Man who run behind car get exhausted.


Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.


Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.


Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.


War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.


Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.


Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.


It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.


Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.


Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.


Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.


Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.


Man who fart in church sit in own pew.


Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

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Funny Jokes - Paranoid

Funny Jokes - Paranoid

My doctor said I was paranoid.

Well, he didn't actually say it, but I could tell he was thinking it.



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Funny Jokes - Happy Birthday Jokes

Funny Jokes

Funny Jokes - Happy Birthday Jokes

Max sat at the bar totally dejected. The bartender served him his second
drink and said, " What's wrong pal?"

"I'll never understand women." Max said. "The other night my wife threw me a
birthday party. She told me that later on, as her gift to me, I could do
with her whatever I wanted."

"Wow!" said the bartender.

"But why so unhappy? That sounds like quite a gift to me."

"Well," Max went on, "I thought about it and sent her home to her Mother.
Now she won't even speak to me."

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Funny Jokes - Blonde Jokes - Blonde Winner

Funny Jokes - Blonde Jokes - Blonde Winner

A blonde goes to a restaurant, buys a coffee a sits down to drink it. She looks on the side of her cup and finds a peal-off prize. She pull off the tab and yells, "I WON! I WON! I WON a motor home; I WON a motor home!"

The waitress runs over and says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a mini van!"

The blonde replies, "No. I WON A motor home, I WON a motor home!"

By this time the manager makes his way over to the table and says, "You couldn't possibly have won a motor homes because we didn't have that as a prize!"

Again the blonde says, "No, no mistake, I WON a motor home, I WON a motor home!"

The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A BAGEL."

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Funny Jokes - Barbie - Boston Style..

Funny Jokes - Barbie - Boston Style...

Mattel announces the release of models of Limited Edition Barbie Dolls
Boston-area market:

Newton Barbie: This princess Barbie is only sold at Chestnut Hill Mall. She
comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus, a longhaired
foreign dog-named Honey and a cookie cutter house. Available with or without
tummy tuck and face-lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with
"augmented" version.

Revere Barbie: This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her
own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased her
beer-gutted boyfriend Ken out of her triple-decker. Her make-up is dark red
lip liner with your choice of lips covered in a sparkly pink or no fill-in
at all. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans with assorted
colored G-strings that stick out the back and a white see-through
halter-top. Accessories include: CD-player equipped with Bon Jovi and a
rusty old Ford pick up.

Lexington Barbie: This trendy homemaker Barbie is available with your choice
of Lexus SUV or Ford Windstar minivan. She gets lost easily and has no full
time occupation or secondary education. Traffic jamming cell phone sold
separately. Optional matching gym outfit.

Dorchester Barbie: This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a
Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with tinted windows and her own Meth Lab kit. This
model is available after dark and can be paid for only in cash. Preferably
small, untraceable bills. Unless you're a cop...then we don't know what
you're talking about.

Brookline Barbie: This yuppie Barbie comes with choice of a BMW sports car
or a souped-up Hummer 2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and
country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and
Private School Skipper. But you can't afford them anyway.

Billerica Barbie: This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans
two sizes too small, a Harley Davidson shirt and has a tattoo of a Tweety
bird on her shoulder. She has big, stiff hair, a six-pack of Bud Light and a
Lynard Skynard CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and can kick Mullet-haired
Kenny doll's ass when she's drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and
get its NASCAR bumper stickers absolutely free.

Nahant Barbie: This collagen injected, rhino-plastic Barbie wears a
leopard-print beach outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while she entertains
friends at the beach house. Percocet prescription available.

Cambridge Barbie: This doll is made of actual tofu, has long gray hair and
arch-less feet, sandals with white socks, no makeup and a mutt. She prefers
that you call her "Willow."

Dedham Barbie: This soccer mom Barbie comes with a Suburban or Minivan and
comes equipped with TV, VCR and DVD player and baby car seats or boosters
for the 8 kids permanently attached to the seats of the vehicle. This
toddler toting Barbie comes with cell phone, pager, palm pilot, and dressed
in gym clothes with Nike Air tennis shoes. Vehicle of choice comes with
Jesus fish and stuffed Tiger with suction cup paws to stick on rear window.
Bumper sticker for honor roll student and Chuck E Cheese Pizza optional.

Original Source Unknown

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4.06.2006

Funny Jokes - Lines in Heaven

Funny Jokes - Lines in Heaven

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.
God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines.
One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other
line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the
women to go with St. Peter."

With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone
and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their
women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women,
there was only one man.

God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves.I created you in my
image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my
sons that! stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how
did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

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Funny Jokes - FULL GLASS....HALF GLASS...

Funny Jokes - FULL GLASS....HALF GLASS...

A story is told of a Jewish man who was riding on the subway reading an Arab newspaper. A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader:

"Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?"

Moshe replied: "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better...

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Funny Jokes - Weight Loss Pills

Funny Jokes - Weight Loss Pills



I recently went to the doctor for a check-up, he checked me out thoroughly doing various tests, etc. He then went back to his table and sat down.

"I'm prescribing these pills for you," he then said, scribbling some weird name on the prescription pad,

"I don't want you to swallow them. Just spill them on the floor twice a day and pick them up, one at a time."

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Funny Jokes - Old Age Jokes

Funny Jokes - Old Age Jokes

I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

----------------------------------------------

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is
such a nice change from being young.

----------------------------------------------

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

-----------------------------------------------

Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald,
they don't recognize you.

--------------------------------------------

If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to
laugh at when you are old.

--------------------------------------

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to
pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

-------------------------------------------

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was
called witchcraft... Today, it's called golf.

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Funny Jokes - Old Age Jokes

Funny Jokes - Old Age Jokes

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me ... your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."

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Funny Jokes - Blue Necks

Funny Jokes - Blue Necks

Did you ever hear of a Blue Neck?

Bluenecks ARE NORTHERNERS... I'm sure that you have heard all the
Redneck jokes. Now here are some takes on how
Southern folks look at our Northern cousins:

YOU JUST MIGHT BE A BLUE NECK IF:

You think barbecue is a verb meaning, "to cook outside."

You think Heinz Ketchup is REALLY spicy!

You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce"
correctly.

For breakfast, you would prefer potato au gratin [awh....what?] to
grits.

You have never, ever eaten okra.....fried or boiled.

You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.

You have no idea what a polecat is.

You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.

You don't have bangs.

You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.

Instead of referring to two or more people as " ya'll," you call
them "you guys," even if both of them are women.

You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-n-knife
show.

You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the
house.

You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.

You call binoculars opera glasses.

You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side
of the road and....Stopping!

You don't know anyone with at least two first names (i.e., Joe
Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Joe Dan, Mary
Alice).

You don't have doilies, and you don't know how to make one....[ or
even know what the heck one is,....or even care....but we won't
say that right here, bless your heart.] You probably get freaked
out when people on the subway talk to you.

You can do your laundry without quarters.

None of your fur coats is homemade,bless your heart.

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4.05.2006

Funny Jokes - Alternate Word Meanings ...

Funny Jokes - Alternate Word Meanings ...

The Washington Post annually publishes a contest for readers in which they are asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. The following were some of the winning entries in this year's contest:

1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.

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Funny Jokes - Clever Names for Boats

Funny Jokes - Clever Names for Boats

Clever Boat Names

Brace Yourself (Owned by an Orthodontist)

Sir Osis of the River

Aqua Seltzer

Out to Launch

A lawyer's boat called ~ Watertight Alibi

Meals on Reels

The Merri Yot

from a landscape contractor, Yard Buoy

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Funny Jokes - Did You Hear About The ...

Funny Jokes - Did You Hear About The ...

Paper company that folded?

Brake company on the skids?

Surgeon who was forced to take a cut in his salary?

Cigarette company that went up in smoke?

Baker who was short of dough?

Refrigerator manufacturer that had it's assets frozen?

Upholsterers that couldn't cover their costs?

Adhesive tape company that got into a sticky situation?

Tennis ball manufacturer that ended up in court?

Downfall of the bungee suppliers?

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Funny Jokes - Easter Jokes - 3 blonds

Funny Jokes - Easter Jokes - 3 blonds

Three blondes (natural) died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter was.

The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.

The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.

The third blonde said, she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said, "So, tell me."

She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder ...

St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."

Then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."

St. Peter fainted.

Easter Quotes

Easter Jokes

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Funny Jokes - Hiccups

Funny Jokes - Hiccups

A fellow walked into a drugstore and headed to the back to speak with the pharmacist. "Do you have anything for hiccups?" he asked. Without warning, the pharmacist reached over and smacked the man on the shoulder.

"Did that help?" he asked.

"I don't know," the startled man replied. "I'll have to ask my wife. She's waiting in the car."

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Funny Jokes - Bad Hair Day

Funny Jokes - Bad Hair Day

After eight days of backpacking with my wife, we were looking scruffy. One morning she came to breakfast in a baseball cap, her shoulder length hair sticking out at odd angles.

She asked, "does my hair make me look like a water buffalo?"

I thought for a moment, then said, "If I tell you the truth, do you promise not to charge?"

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Burma Shave Signs - Roadside signs from years ago

Roadside signs from years ago

Burma Shave Signs

For those of you who never saw the Burma Shave signs, here is a quick lesson in our history of the 1930s and 40s. Prior to the interstate highways, when everyone drove the old 2 lane roads, Burma Shave signs were posted alongside those roads in farmers' fields. They were small red signs with white letters, and there were five signs in a group posted about 100 feet apart. Each sign contained 1 line of a 4 line couplet followed by the obligatory 5th sign advertising Burma Shave, a popular shaving cream of the time. The following is merely a sampling of those very popular advertising couplets.


DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD
TO GAIN A MINUTE
YOU NEED YOUR HEAD
YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT
Burma Shave

DROVE TOO LONG
DRIVER SNOOZING
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
IS NOT AMUSING
Burma Shave

BROTHER SPEEDER,
LET'S REHEARSE;
ALL TOGETHER,
GOOD MORNING NURSE
Burma Shave

CAUTIOUS RIDER
TO HER RECKLESS DEAR
LET'S HAVE LESS BULL
AND LOTS MORE STEER
Burma Shave

SPEED WAS HIGH
WEATHER WAS NOT
TIRES WERE THIN
X MARKS THE SPOT
Burma Shave

THE MIDNIGHT RIDE
OF PAUL FOR BEER
LED HIM TO A WARMER HEMISPHERE
Burma Shave

AROUND THE CURVE
LICKETY-SPLIT
IT'S A BEAUTIFUL NEW CAR
WASN'T IT
Burma Shave

NO MATTER THE PRICE
NO MATTER HOW NEW
THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE
IN THE CAR IS YOU
Burma Shave

A GUY WHO DRIVES
A CAR WIDE OPEN
IS NOT THINKIN'
HE'S JUST HOPIN'
Burma Shave

AT INTERSECTIONS
LOOK EACH WAY
A HARP SOUNDS NICE
BUT ITS HARD TO PLAY
Burma Shave

BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL
EYES ON THE ROAD
THAT'S THE SKILLFUL
DRIVER'S CODE
Burma Shave

THE ONE WHO DRIVES
WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING
DEPENDS ON YOU
TO DO HIS THINKING
Burma Shave

CAR IN DITCH
DRIVER IN TREE
THE MOON WAS FULL
AND SO WAS HE.
Burma Shave

And the all time favorite:

PASSING SCHOOL ZONE
TAKE IT SLOW
LET OUR LITTLE
SHAVERS GROW
Burma Shave

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4.04.2006

Funny Jokes / ISN'T IT NICE THAT SOMEONE CARES

Funny Jokes / ISN'T IT NICE THAT SOMEONE CARES

Sen. John Kerry, recovering from prostate surgery,was told it would be six weeks before he could be sexually active.

Joe Lieberman called to wish Kerry well.

Al Sharpton called Kerry to offer prayers.

Howard Dean called with a get well message.

Richard Gephardt called with encouragement on recovery.

Bill Clinton called Mrs. Kerry

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Funny Jokes - Knowing the Law

Funny Jokes - Knowing the Law

Q: What is the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A: A good lawyer knows the law ... a great lawyer knows the judge.

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Have you seen my wife?

Have you seen my wife?

Two guys are moving about in a Wal-Mart when their carts collide. One says to the other, "Excuse me, but I'm looking for my wife."

"What a coincidence, so am I, and I'm getting a little desperate."

"Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?"

"She's tall, with dark hair, long legs, firm boobs, and a tight ass. What's your wife look like?"

"Never mind, let's look for yours!"

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Funny Jokes - Are You Eating Genetically Modified Food?

Funny Jokes - Are You Eating Genetically Modified Food?

Yes if you can use the leftover chicken as a nightlight for your kid's room.

When you check the label and it says that your buffalo chicken wings are made from REAL flying bison...oops! Genetically Modified!!

If an apple a day causes leukemia it's been genetically modified.

Your family of seven, buys one turkey yet everyone gets a drumstick. That bird is genetically modified.

Are your Ginsu knives afraid of the tomatoes? Then surely the tomatoes have been genetically modified.

The grocery is now selling Cochin. It looks like zucchini, but tastes like a Ding-Dong -- that's definitely a genetically modified food!!

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Funny Jokes - Religious Jokes - Light Bulbs

Funny Jokes - Religious Jokes - Light Bulbs

Light bulbs for the church...

How many church members does it take to change a light bulb?

Charismatic:
Only one.
Hands already in the air.

Pentecostal:
Ten.
One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians:
None.
Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Roman Catholic:
None.
Candles only.

Baptists:
At least fifteen.
One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.

Episcopalians:
Three.
One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.

Mormons:
Five.
One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

Unitarians:
We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including candescent, fluorescent, three- way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

Methodists:
Undetermined.
Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Church wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.

Nazarene:
Six.
One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.

Lutherans:
None.
Lutherans don't believe in change.

Amish:
What's a light bulb?

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4.01.2006

Funny Jokes - Battle of the sexes

Funny Jokes - Battle of the sexes

WOMEN'S REVENGE: "Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE): I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, and rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR : While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?" Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it? The rest of the story gets rather ugly so I'll stop right here.

WIFE V/S HUSBAND: A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

VERBOSITY: A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

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Funny Jokes - Golf Jokes

Funny Jokes - Golf Jokes

A woman goes to the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published.

The obit editor informs her that there is a charge of 50 cents per word.

She pauses, reflects, and then she says, well then, let it read "Fred Brown died."

Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven-word minimum for all obituaries.

She thinks it over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read, "Fred Brown died: golf clubs for sale."




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Fuuny Jokes - State Of The Union Address

Fuuny Jokes - Some highlights from Pres. Bush's State Of The Union Address:


"I'd like to share with you tonight my ideas, my dreams; my proposals and costs to be borne by future presidents and future generations."

"My fellow 'Murkins, not only do 90% of Amercians have jobs in our improving economy, a great many of them have more than one job. So, those that suggest we're losing jobs are just ill-informed and unpatriotic."

"Tonight in my State of Baseball Address, I call on team owners, union representatives, coaches, and players to take the lead, to send the right signal, to get tough, and to get rid of steroids now. We must not let the terrrrists pollute our precious bodily fluids."

"As a great president once said, 'Ask not what your president can do for you, but what you can do for him'."

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Funny Jokes - Wackiest Warning Labels Ever

Funny Jokes - Wackiest Warning Labels Ever

Warning on a bottle of drain cleaner:

"If you do not understand, or cannot read, all directions, cautions and warnings, do not use this product."

That warning is the first place winner of the 2004 Wacky Warning Label Contest. The Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch, a group whose goal is to show that the fear of frivolous lawsuits has led to a loss of corporate common sense, sponsors the annual contest for the wackiest warning labels. "Wacky warning labels are a sign of our lawsuit-plagued times," Robert B. Dorigo Jones, president of the nonprofit Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch group, said in the news release announcing the contest winners. "It used to be that if someone spilled coffee in their lap, they simply called themselves clumsy. Today, too many people are calling themselves an attorney."

*Second place: On a snow sled: "Beware: sled may develop high speed under certain snow conditions."

*Third place: On a 12-inch-high storage rack for compact discs: "Do not use as a ladder."

*Fourth place: A 5-inch fishing lure with three nasty steel hooks advises it is "Harmful if swallowed." Too bad fish can't read!

Previous winners in the "Wacky Warning Label Contest" are presented here for your amusement and amazement:

* A warning on an electric router made for carpenters cautions, "This product not intended for use as a dental drill."

* A warning label found on a baby stroller cautions the user: "Remove child before folding."

* A bottle of prescription sleeping pills says, "Warning: May cause drowsiness."

* A sticker on a toilet at a public facility in Ann Arbor, Michigan actually warns: "Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking."

* A CD player carries this unusual warning: "Do not use the Ultradisc2000 as a projectile in a catapult."

* An "Aim-n-Flame" fireplace lighter cautions, "Do not use near fire, flame, or sparks."

* A label on a hand-held massager advises consumers not to use "while sleeping or unconscious."

* A container of underarm deodorant says, "Caution: Do not spray in eyes."

* A cartridge for a laser printer warns, "Do not eat toner."

* A household iron warns users: "Never iron clothes while they are being worn."

* A label with a hair dryer reads, "Never use hair dryer while sleeping."

* A 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow warns: "Not intended for highway use."

* A cardboard car sunshield that keeps sun off the dashboard warns, "Do not drive with sunshield in place."

* A bathroom heater says: "This product is not to be used in bathrooms."

* A can of self-defense pepper spray warns users: "May irritate eyes."

* A warning on a pair of shin guards manufactured for bicyclists says: "Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover."

* A popular manufactured fireplace log warns: "Caution: Risk of Fire."

* A box of birthday cake candles says: "DO NOT use soft wax as ear plugs or for any other function that involves insertion into a body cavity."

* "Do not use snow blower on the roof."

* "Do not allow children to play in the dishwasher."

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Funny Jokes - Teacher Jokes

Funny Jokes - Teacher Jokes



TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."
ELLEN: I is.....
TEACHER: No, Ellen.. Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right.... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."


TEACHER: Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?
JOHNNY: Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same
time


TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SAM: No sir, I do'nt have to, my Mom is a good cook.


TEACHER: Desmond your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as
your brother's. Did you copy his?
DESMOND: No teacher, it's the same dog!

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