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5.29.2006

Funny Jokes - Artificial robbery

Funny Jokes - Artificial robbery

Picasso, the famous painter, reported to the police: 'I've been robbed! I've been robbed'.

'What did they steal?'

"A lot of money. I saw the robber leaving my house, when I arrived at it!'

'Aha, could you make a painting as what the thief looked like?'

And so, Picasso painted a picture of the thief.

And thus the police arrested a fish, a toilet bowl, a burned keyboard and a torn curtain.

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Woo Woo Woo

Woo Woo Woo...

One fine day, two Indians and a hillbilly were walking in the forest. All of a sudden, one Indian went up to the mouth of a cave and shouted a loud "Woo,Woo, Woo."

Then there was an answering, 'Woo, Woo, Woo." The Indian tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The hillbilly asked the other Indian, "Hey, what was that all about?"

The Indian answered, "It's mating season and it's our custom to mate in caves. The females stay in the caves, and when the males see a cave, they go to it and shout a Woo, Woo, and Woo. If there is an answer, then that means that there is a female ready to mate."

"Oh okay," said the hillbilly, not really understanding the weird Indian customs.

A few minutes later, the second Indian ran up to the mouth of a cave and shouted, Woo, Woo, Woo."

There was an answer to his Woo's so the Indian tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

Feeling alone, the Hillbilly kept walking through the forest. He came to a huge cave, and he thought to himself, 'Hey, that cave is so big, there must be some big, fine, women in there ready to mate.' So, he decided to go up to the mouth of the cave and shout, "Woo, Woo Woo."

There was an answering, "Woo, Woo, Woo," so the hillbilly tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The next morning's paper headline was: "Naked Hillbilly Killed By Freight Train"

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Funny Jokes - The Ten Commandments in Cajun...

Funny Jokes - The Ten Commandments in Cajun...

Funny Jokes - The Cajun Ten Commandments

1. God is number one... and das' All.

2. Don't pray to nuttin' or nobody... jus' God.

3. Don't cuss nobody... 'specially da Good Lord.

4. When it be Sunday... pass yo'sef by God's House.

5. Yo mama an' yo daddy dun did it all... lissen to dem.

6. Killin' duck an' fish, das' OK... people - No!

7. God done give you a wife... sleep wit' jus' her.

8. Don't take nobody's boat... or nuttin' else.

9. Don't go wantin' somebody's stuff.

10. Stop lyin'... yo tongue gonna fall out yo mouf!

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Funny Quotes

He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker fore-bears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them.
- James Reston (about Richard Nixon)

In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.
- Charles, Count Talleyrand

He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.
- Forrest Tucker

Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?
- Mark Twain

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
- Mark Twain

His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.
- Mae West

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Funny Jokes - Writing skills - Similes and Metaphors

Funny Jokes - Writing skills - Similes and Metaphors

Actual Similes and Metaphors Found in High School Essays

Funny Jokes

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides
gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances
like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was
room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes
just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated
because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a
surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag
filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an
eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city
and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p. m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when
you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across
the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having
left Cleveland at 6:36 p. m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from
Topeka at 4:19 p. m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences
that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who
had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the
East River

18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap,
only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil,
this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not
eating for a while.

22. "Oh, Jason, take me!"; she panted, her breasts heaving like a
college freshman on $1-a-beer night.

23. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either,
but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on land
mine or something.

24. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender
leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant

25. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around
with power tools

26. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells,
as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

27. She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.

28. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in
any pH cleanser.

29. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

30. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it
to the wall.


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Funny Jokes - ENRON

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Funny Jokes - ENRON

I bought it on a Monday and the stock stood still.
Da Enron Ron, Da Enron Ron.
KennyBoy told me that I'd make a kill.
Da Enron Ron, Da Enron Ron.
Yes, the stock stood still.
Yes, I'd make a kill.
and when my savings was gone
Da Enron Ron, Da Enron Ron.

He knew what he was doin' when he sold at high.
Da Enron Ron, Da Enron Ron.
He talked so sure but my oh my.
Da Enron Ron, Da Enron Ron.
Yes, he sold at high.
Yes, but my oh my.
and when my savings was gone
Da Enron Ron, Da Enron Ron.

He dumped at seventy and he said buy.
Da Enron Ron, Da Enron Ron.
Someday it'll make it back up to nine.
Da Enron Ron, Da Enron Ron.
Yes, He said to buy.
Yes, it bankrupt time.
and when my savings was gone
Da Enron Ron, Da Enron Ron.

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah,
Da Enron Ron, Da Enron Ron.
Da Enron Ron, Da Enron Ron.




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5.27.2006

Funny Jokes - Waiting for True Love

Funny Jokes - Waiting for True Love

A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he decides to make his move and approaches her.

"No thank you," she said politely. "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."

"That must be rather difficult," said the man.

"Personally, I don't mind too much," she replied. "But, it has made my husband quite upset."

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Funny Jokes - Farming

Funny Jokes - Farming

We were looking to buy property and this over zealous realtor showed us what can only be described as a totally worn-out old farm.

I mean the land had just been worked to death. The weeds were hardly even growing. The smiling super salesman said, "Now really, all this land needs is a little water, a nice cool breeze and some good people."

I replied, "Yeah, I agree, but couldn't the same be said of Hell?"

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Funny Jokes - Osama Bin Laden hiding place

Funny Jokes - Osama Bin Laden hiding place

Pentagon officials believe they have been unable to locate Osama Bin Laden because he found a place to hide out where:

(1) It is easy to get in if you have money and connections.

(2) No one will recognize or remember you.

(3) No one will realize that you have disappeared.

(4) No one keeps any records of your comings and goings.

(5) There's free dental care when you need it.

(5) You have no obligations or responsibilities.

(6) You can continue to hide from the war and let the common soldier do all the bleeding.


Pentagon analysts are still puzzled, however, as to how Osama Bin Laden found out about the Texas Air National Guard in the first place.

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Funny Jokes - Stock Market Statistics

Funny Jokes - Stock Market Statistics

According to my financial advisor Ed, if I'd purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now worth $49.00.

With Enron, I would have $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00.

With WorldCom, I would have less than $5.00 left.

But, if you I'd purchased $1,000.00 worth of Beer one year ago, drank all the beer, saved the empty cans and then turned them in the cans for the aluminum recycling price, I would have $214.00.

Based on the above, Ed's current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

He calls it the 401-Keg Plan.

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5.26.2006

Funny Jokes - Eating

Funny Jokes - Eating

A man with a banana stuck in his ear and a green bean stuffed up
each nostril walks into the doctor's office. The doctor looks at
him and asks what he can do for him.

"Doctor, I just haven't been feeling well lately, what could be
wrong?"

"Isn't it obvious? You're just not eating right!"

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5.23.2006

Funny Jokes - Who is really the Mule?

Funny Jokes - Who is really the Mule?



The mule

A city boy, named Kenny, moved to the country and bought a mule from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the mule died."

Kenny replied, "Well, then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Kenny said, "Ok, then, just unload the mule."

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

Kenny, "I'm going to raffle him off."

Farmer, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"

Kenny, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead mule?"

Kenny, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece."

Farmer, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Kenny, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back that left me with a profit of $898."

Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.





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One Liners.....

One Liners.....

Energizer Bunny arrested -- charged with battery.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean a mother.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality
comes
from morons?

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in colour, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

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Funny Jokes - Community Service

Funny Jokes - Community Service

One night a teenage girl brought her new boy-friend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose.

Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern.

"Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice."

"Mom," replied the daughter, "if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 5000 hours of community service?"

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Funny Jokes - The New Robe

Funny Jokes - The New Robe

NEW ROBE


Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem when He decided that He really needed a new robe.

After looking around for a while, He saw a sign for Finkelstein, the Tailor.

So, He went in and made the necessary arrangements to have Finkelstein prepare a new robe for Him.

A few days later, when the robe was finished, Jesus tried it on and it was a perfect fit!

He asked how much He owed but Finkelstein brushed him off: "No, no, no, for the Son of God? There's no charge! However, may I ask for a small favor?"

Whenever you give a sermon, perhaps you could just mention that your nice new robe was made by Finkelstein, the Tailor."

Jesus readily agreed and as promised, extolled the virtues of His Finkelstein robe whenever He spoke to the masses.

A few months later, while Jesus was again walking through Jerusalem, He happened to walk past Finkelstein's shop and noted a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein's robes.

He pushed his way through the crowd to speak to him and as soon as Finkelstein spotted Him he said: "Jesus, Jesus, look what you've done for my business! Would you consider a partnership?"

"Certainly," replied Jesus. "Jesus & Finkelstein it is."

"Oh, no, no," said Finkelstein. "Finkelstein & Jesus After all, I am the craftsman."

The two of them debated this for some time. Their discussion was long and spirited, but ultimately fruitful and they finally came up with a mutually acceptable compromise.

A few days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein's shop.

It said "LORD & TAYLOR".



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5.21.2006

Funny Jokes - Economics Unravelled

Funny Jokes - Economics Unravelled

Gee Dubya's Economic Stimuli:

2000: The economy's booming, we deserve a tax cut.
2001: The economy's crashing, we need a new tax cut.
2002: Economy still sucks. How about more tax cuts?
2003: Economy is slowly recovering, better have another tax cut.
2004: Now, about making all those tax cuts permanent...

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Funny Jokes - A Few Thoughts About Men...

Funny Jokes - A Few Thoughts About Men...

... From women "man bashers"

Q. How do you scare a man?
A. Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.

Q. How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
A. At the circus the clowns don't talk.

Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Q. What food best describes most men?
A. Jerky.

Q. Men will brag that there are women waiting by the phone at this very moment for their call. Who are these women?
A. Women working at 900 numbers.

Q. How is a man like a used car?
A. Both are easy to get, cheap and unreliable.

Q. Where is the best place in a book store to find a man who is handsome, a good lover, and a stimulating partner?
A. In the pages of a romance novel.

Q. What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift to women?
A. Exchange him.

Q. Why is the book "Women Who Love Too Much" a disappointment for many men?
A. No phone numbers.

Q. Why do men like smart women?
A. Opposites attract.

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Funny Jokes - State Mottos

Funny Jokes - State Mottos

Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than
Your Honda

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's
Don't Own It Yet

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water


+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru

(Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes...Well Okay, We're Not, But The
Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism
Campaign

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax
Brackets)

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes....10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes and 5000 fish

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State


+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies And
Very Little Else

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Nevada: Hookers and Poker!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right
Here!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent pets

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To
An Attorney...

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Oregon: Spotted Owl.. It's What's For Dinner

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Tennessee: The Educashun State

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English)

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Vermont: Yep

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!


+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family....Really!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese

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Handy Engineering Conversions.....

Handy Engineering Conversions.....

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi

2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton

1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope

Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1
bananosecond

Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram

Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour:
Knot-furlong

365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1
lite year

16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling

Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon

1000 aches: 1 kilohurtz

Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower

Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line (think about it
for a moment)

453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake

1 million microphones: 1 megaphone

1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles

2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds (work on it...)

10 cards: 1 decacards

1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton

1000 cubic centimeters of wet socks: 1 literhosen

1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche

1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin

10 rations: 1 decoration

100 rations: 1 C-ration

2 monograms: 1 diagram

8 nickels: 2 paradigms

3 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University
Hospital: 1 I.V. League

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5.11.2006

Funny Jokes - U.S. Government employee evaluations

Funny Jokes - U.S. Government employee evaluations


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THESE ARE ACTUAL QUOTES TAKEN FROM GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE
EVALUATIONS.

"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and
has started to dig."

"I would not allow this employee to breed."

"This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a
definite won't be."

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat
in a trap."

"When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
achieve them."

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

"This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."

"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all
together."

"A gross ignoramus...144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

"He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."!

"I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

"He's been working with glue too much."

"He would argue with a signpost."

"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

"When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

"If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other
one."

"A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

"A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

"Donated his brain to science before he was through using it"

"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train ain't
coming."

"He's got two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for
it."

"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

"It's hard to believe he beat off 1,000,000 other sperm."

"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

"Takes him 2 hours to watch '60 Minutes'."

"The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."


http://groups.yahoo.com/group/funny-jokes/messages/

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Funny Jokes - K-9 To The Rescue

Funny Jokes - K-9 To The Rescue

The Baltimore Police Department, famous for it's superior K-9 unit, was some what taken back by a recent incident. Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first on the scene.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned, "I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send a BLIND policeman!"

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THE VAMPIRE'S THIRTEEN LEAST FAVORITE SONGS

THE VAMPIRE'S THIRTEEN LEAST FAVORITE SONGS

1. "You Are My Sunshine"
2. "Sonny Boy"
3. "On the Sunny Side of the Street"
4. "Coming up Sunday Morning"
5. "Sunshine on My Shoulder"
6. "Sunrise Serenade"
7. "Let the Sun Shine In"
8. "Early Morning Rain"
9. "Reveille"
10. "Little Mary Sunshine"
11. "In the Land of the Rising Sun"
12. "Good Morning Little Schoolgirl"
13. "Keep Your Sunny Side Up"

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5.07.2006

Funny Jokes - Shoe Sales

Funny Jokes - Shoe Sales

A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes.

"How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.

"Well ... they feel a bit tight." replies the man.

The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the mans feet.

"Try pulling the tongue out." offers the clerk.

"Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth." He says.

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5.06.2006

Funny Jokes - Buried in Bloomingdales

Funny Jokes - Buried in Bloomingdales

An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests.

She told her rabbi she had two final requests.

First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales.

"Bloomingdales!" the rabbi exclaimed.

"Why Bloomingdales?"

"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

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Funny Jokes - Easter Jokes - Ether bunnies

Funny Jokes - Easter Jokes - Ether bunnies

ETHER BUNNIES

Knock,knock.
Who's there?
Ether
Ether who?
Ether bunny.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Anna
Anna who?
Anna nother ether bunny.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Juan
Juan who?
Juan more ether bunny.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Stella
Stella who?
Stella nother ether bunny.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Justin
Justin who?
Justin other Ether Bunny.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Samoa
Samoa who?
Samoa Ether Bunnies.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Beryl
Beryl who?
Beryl of ether bunnies.

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Sherwood.
Sherwood who?
Sherwood like to see another ether bunny.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Dewey
Dewey who?
Dewey have to listen to any more ether bunny jokes?

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Consumption.
Consumption who?
Consumption be done about all these ether bunnies?

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Cargo
Cargo who?
Cargo "beep, beep"...run over all the ether bunnies.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Orange
Orange who?
Orange you glad it's not another ether bunny joke?

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5.05.2006

Funny Jokes - Religious Jokes - GOOD SAMARITAN

Funny Jokes - Religious Jokes - GOOD SAMARITAN

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama. Then, she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."

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Funny Jokes - Religious Jokes - DID NOAH FISH?

Funny Jokes - Religious Jokes - DID NOAH FISH?

A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?"

"No," replied David. "How could he, with just two worms?"

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Funny Jokes - Religious Jokes - MOSES & THE RED SEA

Funny Jokes - Religious Jokes - MOSES & THE RED SEA

Nine-year-old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school.

"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then, he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."

"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.

"Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

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Funny Jokes - Religious Jokes - THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD

Funny Jokes - Religious Jokes - THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD

A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible; Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse. Little Rick was excited about the task -- but, he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Rickey was so nervous.

When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."

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Funny Jokes - Religious Jokes - HIGHER POWER

Funny Jokes - Religious Jokes - HIGHER POWER

A Sunday school teacher said to her children, " We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power.Can anybody tell me what it is?"

One child blurted out, "Aces!"

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