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6.30.2006

Funny Jokes - The new job

Funny Jokes - The new job

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."

The frightened passenger, apologized to the driver, and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's my entire fault, today is my first day driving a cab.... I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

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Funny Jokes - How to keep a healthy level of insanity in the workplace:

Funny Jokes - How to keep a healthy level of insanity in the workplace:

Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.

Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes.

Insist that your e-mail address be "zena_goddess_of_fire@..."

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them to sign a waiver.

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.

Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company's products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)

Name all your pens and insist that meetings can't begin until they're all present.

Come to work in your pajamas.

Put a picture of your mother on your business card. Include a piece of your children's artwork as a cover page for all reports that you write. (If you don't have children, draw stick figures yourself.)

Schedule meetings for 4:14 pm.

Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronised chair dancing.

Agree to organise the company Christmas party. Hold it at McDonald's Playland. Charge everyone $15 each.

Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example "If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathroom."

No matter what anyone asks you, reply "Okay."

Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."

Plant a hedge around your cubicle.

Grow mold in your coffee cup.

Build models of the Seven Wonders of the World using empty soda cans.

Put on your headphones whenever the boss comes into the office. Talk in a loud voice. Remove your headphones when he or she leaves.

When in conversation, no matter where you are in the office, mutter, "I think my phone is ringing" and leave. Go get a coffee.

Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many."

Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

Compose all your e-mail in rhyming couplets.

Install a set of buttons and lights in the arm of your chair. Talk into your daytimer.

"Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this.

Organize a carpool. Go to pick everyone up in a taxi.

Hang mistletoe over your desk.

Include a personal note on every email you send. "On a personal note, I'm feeling a bit tired and grumpy today." "On a personal note, I'm pleased to announce that I got my highest score ever on Tetris last night."

Bring in dishes that you tried to cook but didn't turn out quite right as special treats for your co-workers.

While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive."

Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.

Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children.

For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you can catch in your mouth.

Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc... in the lunchroom, when people complain that there was none... Just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."

Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

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Funny Jokes - Grandparents

Funny Jokes - Grandparents

WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?
(taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)

Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of her
own. They like other people's.

A grandfather is a man grandmother.

Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to
see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if
they drive us to the store and have lots of quarters for us.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty
leaves and caterpillars.

They show us and talk to us about the color of the flowers and also Why
we shouldn't step on "cracks."

They don't say, "Hurry up."

Usually grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes.

They wear glasses and funny underwear.

They can take their teeth and gums out.

Grandparents don't have to be smart.

When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the
same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have
television, because they are the only grown ups who like to spend time
with us.

They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they say prayers
with us every time, and kiss us even when we've acted bad.

A 6 YEAR OLD WAS ASKED WHERE HIS GRANDMA LIVED. ''OH,'' HE SAID, ''SHE
LIVES AT THE AIRPORT, AND WHEN WE WANT HER WE JUST GO GET HER. THEN WHEN
WE'RE DONE HAVING HER VISIT, WE TAKE HER BACK TO THE AIRPORT.''

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Funny Jokes - Water and Flour

Funny Jokes - Water and Flour

How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where did the glue go?

You know very well where it went. That's what makes the cake stick to your derriere!

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6.29.2006

Funny Jokes - Fraud - Who Ya Gonna Defraud?

Funny Jokes - Fraud - Who Ya Gonna Defraud?

My lawyer asked me to pay him in cash, but I gave him a check. He said to me, "I asked you to pay me in cash."

Acting innocent, I said, "A check is cash."

"No," he replied. "Cash is green."

"My goodness, are you trying to defraud me?" I asked.

"No," he answered. "I'm trying to defraud the IRS."


Fraud is no laughing matter.
For more information about real fraud and how to combat it, visit the fraudfiles weblog run by Tracy Coenen.

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6.27.2006

Funny Jokes - The Mommy Test.....

Funny Jokes - The Mommy Test.....

I was out walking with my then 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth.

I asked her not to do that.

"Why?

"Because it's been laying outside and is dirty and probably has germs."

At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"

"Uh," I was thinking quickly, "...everyone knows this stuff. Um, it's on the Mommy test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy."

"Oh." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

"I get it!" she beamed. "Then if you flunk, you have to be the Daddy."

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Funny Jokes - Drives Women Wild

Funny Jokes - Drives Women Wild



Q. What's six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild


A. Money.



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Funny Jokes - Making people happy

Funny Jokes - Making people happy

George Bush, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld are flying on Air Force One.
The President looks at the Vice President, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $1,000.00 bill out the window right now and make somebody very happy."
The Vice President shrugs and says, "Well, I could throw ten $100.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."
Not to be out done, the Secretary of Defense says, "Of course then, I could throw one-hundred $10.00 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."

The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, "Such big shots back there... hell, I could throw all of them out the window and make 56 million people happy."









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Funny Jokes - THE OLD PASTOR

Funny Jokes - THE OLD PASTOR

An old pastor lay dying. He sent a message for an IRS agent and his lawyer to come to the hospital. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room. As they entered the room, the pastor held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.

The pastor grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and lawyer were touched and flattered that the old man would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled because the pastor had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.

Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Pastor, why did you ask the two of us to come here?"

The old pastor mustered all his strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go."


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Funny Jokes - Three Nuns....

Funny Jokes - Three Nuns....

Three nuns were in the church discussing various rumors about the local priest. The first nun reported, "I was going through Father's office the other day, and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!"

The other nuns gasped. "What did you do?" they demanded.

"Well, of course I threw them in the trash," she replied.

The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in the Father's room putting away the laundry, and I found a bunch of condoms!

"Oh my!" gasped the other nuns, stunned at this apparent violation of the priest's chastity vow.

"What did you do???" they asked.

"I decided to teach him a lesson," said the second nun.

"I poked holes in all of the condoms!"

The third nun fainted.




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6.26.2006

Funny Jokes - My Fault......

Funny Jokes - My Fault......

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,

"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 nd 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip." The woman below responded,

"You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

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Funny Jokes - Computer Jokes - Computer viruses

Funny Jokes - Computer Jokes - Computer viruses

Watch out for these new viruses - Neither Symantec or McAfee have any solutions for these yet!!!

The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to just keep counting and re-counting.

The Clinton Virus - Gives you a 7-inch Hard Drive with NO memory.

The Bob Dole (aka Viagra) Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.

The Ronald Reagan Virus - Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored..

The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes.

The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 300 Mb hard drive shrinks to 100 Mb, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 200 Mb.

The Jack Kevorkian Virus - Deletes all old files.

The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted.

The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

The Joey Buttafuoco Virus - Only attacks minor files.

The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.

AND THE FAVORITE ....
The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy . . . then discards it through Windows.

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6.25.2006

Funny Jokes - SINGING BIRD

Funny Jokes - SINGING BIRD

While extolling the virtues of PETCRAFT to a pet shop owner in Manhattan, a elderly woman burst into the store. "I want to buy a canary, but it's got to be a good singer. I've got good, hard U.S. cash, but I'm only paying for a good singer."

The shop owner began moving a ladder towards a small cage on a shelf about fifteen feet up, near the ceiling of the store. "Ma'am, I'm forty years in this business. In that cage is the best singer I've ever seen."

"Don't think I'm gonna feel obligated to pay for something I don't want just because you're climbing up a ladder like a monkey. I want a canary but it's got to be a good singer."

By this point the shop keeper was coming down from the ladder. "Ma'am, this bird is a veritable feathered Caruso!" Placing the cage on the counter, the bird burst into melody after melody.

Awed the woman murmured, "This bird is a good singer." Suddenly in a shrill scream, "Hey, this bird's only got one leg."

The pet store owner was unperturbed, "Lady what do you want a singer or a dancer?"

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Funny Jokes - GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED...

Funny Jokes - GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED...

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

2) Wrinkles don't hurt.

3) Families are like fudge - mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.

6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the joy.

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Funny Jokes - Grampa's driving

Funny Jokes - Grampa's driving


Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation.

He said, "I did that by accident."

She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."

He replied, "How did you know?"

She said, "Because you didn't say 'idiot!' afterwards."

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Funny Jokes - The missing terrorist

Funny Jokes - The missing terrorist

There was notification by Security forces that there have been four suspected terrorists working in a particular building.

Three of the four were apprehended, Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, and Bin Drinkin were taken into custody. But no one could find anyone fitting the description of the fourth cell member, Bin Workin.

Police are confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin will be very easy to spot.

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6.24.2006

Funny Jokes - A Golfers' Handbook.....

Funny Jokes - A Golfers' Handbook.....


Just in time for golf season!!!

I've been reading a great new book. If you would like to borrow it just let me know. It's called the "Useful Golf Book".

It contains some really good articles such as:

How to Line Up Your Fourth Putt;

How to hit a Nike from the rough when you hit a Titleist from the tee;

How to avoid the water when you lie 8 in the bunker;

How to get more distance off the shank;

Using your shadow on the greens to maximize earnings;

Proper etiquette when you are playing with a complete jerk;

Crying and how to handle it;

How to rationalize a 7 hour round;

How to find that ball that everyone else saw go in the water;

Why your wife no longer cares that you birdied the 4th;

How to let a foursome play through your 2-some without getting embarrassed;

How to relax when you're hitting five off the tee;

When to suggest swing corrections to your opponent;

God and the meaning of the double bogey.


Now working on the book's sequel, "When to Re-grip Your Ball Retriever".

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Funny Jokes - Baptism

Funny Jokes - Baptism



Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to
play with them. They decided it was because they had not been
baptized and didn't go to Sunday School.

So, they went to the nearest church. Only the janitor was there.

One said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and
play with us. Will you baptize us?"

"Sure," said the janitor. He took them into the bathroom and dunked
their heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time.

Then he said, "Now go out and play."

When they got outside, dripping wet, one of them asked, "What
religion do you think we are?"

The oldest one said, "We're not Katlick, because they pour the water
on you. We're not Babtis because they dunk all of you in it. We're
not Methdiss because they just sprinkle you."

The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?"

"Yeah! What do you think that means?"

"I think it means that we're Pisscopalians.

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Funny Jokes - Irish Jokes

Funny Jokes - Irish Jokes

And older man was sidled up to the bar nursing a draft when another man sits down beside him an orders a pint for himself. The first one turns to the other and said:

"Excuse me for asking, but did I detect a touch of the old sod in you voice?"

"Aye. That ye did."

"And what part of Ireland would you hail from. I ask because I'm Irish meself"

"Ye don't say! I'm over from the Southeast, County Waterford it was, and Dungarvan was me home."

"No! I don't believe it! My own self, I come from Dungarvan. Barkeep! Lets have a round for meself and me new Irish friend here! And what part of Dungarvan?"

"Hillbury street"

"No! I was BORN on Hillbury street."

A few more rounds and both are really in their cups.

"Tell me, now. Tell me. And..., and what was your mother's name?"

This brought tears to his eyes. "Oh, my Sainted mother, dead these many years now. Her name, it was Mary."

Now the other begins to cry. "My mother too was named Mary."

Just then the phone rings and the barkeep answers: "O'Hallihan's bar. Oh, you know, same old, same old. Business is pretty good, but the wife's mad at me again. Seems I don't pay enough attention to her.

And, oh yeah, the Murphy twins are sloshed again."

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Funny Jokes - Thanks for the email

Funny Jokes - Thanks for the email

THANKS FOR THE CHAIN LETTERS AND OTHER "INFORMATIONAL" EMAILS

* I stopped drinking Coca Cola after I found out that
it's good for removing toilet stains.

* I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting
on a needle infected with AIDS.

* I smell like a dog since I stopped using deodorants
because they cause cancer.

* I don't leave my car in the parking lot or any other
place and sometimes I even have to walk about 7 blocks
for fear that someone will drug me with a perfume
sample and try to rob me.

* I also stopped answering the phone for fear that
they ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a
phone bill from hell with calls to Uganda, Singapore
and Tokyo.

* I stopped consuming several foods for fear that the
estrogens they contain may turn me gay.

* I also stopped eating chicken and hamburgers
because they are nothing other than horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes or feathers that are bred in
a lab so that places like McDonalds can sell their Big
Macs.

* I also stopped drinking anything out of a can for
fear that I will get sick from the rat feces and
urine.

* I think I'm turning gay because when I go to
parties, I don't look at any girl no matter how hot
she is, for fear that she will take my kidneys
and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

* I also donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce
account. A sick girl that was about to die in the
hospital about 7,000 times. Funny that girl,
she's been 7 since 1993...

* I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I made
expecting the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL were
supposed to send me when I participated in their
special e-mail program.

* My Ericcson phone never arrived and neither did the
passes for a paid vacation to Disneyland.

* But I am positive that all this is the cause of a
stinking chain that I broke or forgot to follow and I
got a curse from hell.

IMPORTANT NOTE: If you don't send this e-mail to at
least 1200 people in the next 10 seconds, a bird will
crap on you today at 7pm.

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Why'd Ya Leave?

Why'd Ya Leave?

A personnel director with the government in Washington, D.C. was reviewing applications for federal employment. The standard form includes the question, "Why did you leave your previous employment?"

One applicant, a former U.S. Congressman, responded, "The express wishes of 116,000 voters."

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Funny Jokes - Pragmatism

Funny Jokes - Pragmatism

Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health, one asked how the other's husband was doing.

"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"

"Oh dear! I'm very sorry," replied her friend, "What did you do?"

"Opened a can of peas."

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Funny Jokes - Missionary....

Funny Jokes - Missionary....

Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I've barbecued them, I've tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender."

The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Missionary do you use?"

The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."

"Ah, ha!" the second cannibal replies. "No wonder ... those are friars!"

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Funny Jokes - HOSPITAL COST CUTS

Funny Jokes - HOSPITAL COST CUTS
From: Administration
Re: Hospital Costs

In an effort to reduce costs this year, the following are effective
immediately. Please share this information with your patients and physicians
as soon as possible.

1. Food service will be discontinued immediately. Patients wishing to eat
will want to get their families to bring them a brown bag meal, or you may
make your own arrangements with Subway, Dominoes, etc. Coin-operated
telephones will be available in patient rooms for this purpose.

2. Our PBX operators have all been let go, so if you are walking through
the lobby and hear the telephone ringing, please answer it.

3. We have found it necessary to make substantial reductions in our
transport team so we ask the cooperation of all patients. One transporter
will take at least six patients in wheelchairs at a time to Radiology, PT
and other services. Please form a "train" by holding tightly on to the
handles of the wheelchair in front of you.

4. Our Emergency Room is really busy from 3 PM to 11 PM so, if you can,
please have your accidents and heart attacks in the mornings or early
afternoons. That would really help to reduce your wait.

5. To expedite surgery cases, all AM admits and outpatient surgery patients
are asked to be at the hospital 3 hours prior to surgery. Go to Central
Sterile Supply, pick up a clean instrument tray and surgery pack and proceed
to the Surgery Holding area. To help us reduce drug costs, please take
several Aleve prior to arriving at the hospital for surgery.

6. Patients anticipating the need for a bedpan can check one out in the
gift shop. They will be available in a wide variety of colors and styles to
meet the aesthetic and physical requirements of our patients. A deposit will
be required but is fully refundable if bedpans are returned clean.

7. To reduce patients' lengths of stay, nurses will have a choice of using
in-line skates or skateboards. To expedite response to patient's needs and
discharges, nurse call systems will be modified and will be wired to a
collar worn by nurses, which will deliver a mild shock when pushed by the
patient.

8. Taking a cue from the airlines, Respiratory Therapists will be replaced
by oxygen masks which will, should the need arise, automatically drop from
the ceiling over patient beds. If this occurs, please place the mask over
your nose and mouth and breathe normally.

9. The hospital got a real sweet deal on surplus white waiters' jackets and
these will be issued to all physicians. Doctors, we apologize in advance
because the jackets already had a first name embroidered on the pocket. We
will work with you to find a name that you can live with. If you also are on
the staff at the University Hospital, we hope this won't be a problem. We
recognize that in academic settings, "length of coat status" is very
important.

10. All first time moms are asked to volunteer to help out on the Pediatrics
floor - not only will this reduce hospital costs, but it will give you a
much needed experience and a dose of reality after ogling over your own
precious sleeping bundle of joy.

11. Housekeeping and physical therapy are being combined. Mops will be
issued to those patients who are ambulatory, thus providing range-of-motion
exercises as well as a clean environment. Family members and friends of
patients and ambulatory patients may also sign up to clean public areas to
receive special discounts on their final bills. Time cards will be provided.

12. Plant operations and Engineering are being eliminated. The hospital has
subscribed to the TIME-LIFE "How to..." series of maintenance books. These
books can be checked out from administration and a toolbox will be standard
equipment on all nursing units. We will be receiving the series at a rate of
one volume every other month. We already have the volume on Basic Wiring,
but if a non-electrical problem occurs, please try to handle it as best as
you can until the appropriate volume arrives.

13. Cutbacks in the phlebotomy staff will be accommodated by only performing
blood-related lab tests on patients who are already bleeding.

14. Physicians will be informed that they may order no more than two x-rays
per patient stay. This is due to the turnaround time required by Walgreen's
photo lab. Two prints will be provided for the price of one, and physicians
are being advised to clip coupons from the Sunday paper if they want extra
sets. Walgreen's will honor all competitors' coupons for one-hour processing
in emergency situations, so if you come across coupons from other vendors,
please clip them and send them to the Emergency Department.

15. In light of the extremely hot summer temperature and the high A/C bills
that we received last summer, out new policy is to have fans available for
sale or lease in the hospital gift shop. For those patients who do not wish
to use electric fans, the old reliable hand held cardboard fans on a stick
are free upon request.

16. The cost of hospital gowns continues to escalate so patients are asked
to bring their own pajama top which nurses will be happy to slit up the back
for you. Pajama bottoms are not permitted on patient units.

17. On the way to the hospital, please stop by Target or Wal-Mart and pick
up two sets of twin bed sheets. Should you require extra linens during your
stay, coin-operated washers and dryers are available for patient use.

18. Administration is assuming responsibility for grounds keeping duties. If
an Administrator cannot be reached by calling the Administrative Offices, it
is suggested that you walk outside and listen for the sound of a lawn mower,
weed-whacker, etc.

19. All patients scheduled for a mammogram are to stop first at "Hooters"
for a preliminary check out.

If you have any questions regarding these cost-cutting measures, please let
us know. Thank you for your cooperation.

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6.23.2006

Funny Jokes - MAP READING

Funny Jokes - MAP READING

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.

After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude?"

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."

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Funny Jokes - Battle of the Sexes

Funny Jokes - Battle of the Sexes


A man is a person who, if a woman says, "Never mind, I'll do it myself; lets her.

A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her; gets mad.

A man is a person who, if a woman says to him, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her and she gets mad; says, "Now what are you mad about?"

A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her and she gets mad, and he says, "Now what are mad about?" says, "If you don't know I'm not going to tell you."

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Funny Jokes - DIRTY DINER

Funny Jokes - DIRTY DINER

Paul and Maury went into a diner that looked as though it had seen better days. As they slid in to a booth, Paul wiped some crumbs from the seat.Then he took a napkin and wiped some moisture from the table. The waitress came over and asked if they wanted some menus.

"No thanks," said Maury. "I'll just have a cup of black coffee."

"I'll have black coffee too," Paul said. "And please make sure the cup is clean."

The waitress shot him a nasty look. She turned and marched off in to the kitchen. Two minutes later, she was back.

"Two cups of black coffee," she announced. "Which one of you wanted the clean cup?"

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Funny Jokes - Embarrassed

Funny Jokes - Embarrassed

An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years.

The man finally decided to ask her to marry him.

She immediately said "yes".

The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember what her answer was! Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny..."

After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail, he got on the telephone and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her answer to the marriage proposal.

"Oh", she said, "I'm so glad you called. I remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was."

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Funny Jokes - Elderly Driving

Funny Jokes - Elderly Driving

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing my mind, I swear we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again, and again they went right through. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red, but was really concerned that she was mistaken.

She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through. She turned to woman driving and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"

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6.22.2006

Funny Jokes - Modern Marriage

Funny Jokes - Modern Marriage

(A scene at City Hall in Portland, or San Francisco, or anytown USA )

"Next."

"Good morning. We want to apply for a marriage license."

"Names?"

"Tim and Jim Jones."

"Jones? Are you related? I see a resemblance."

"Yes, we're brothers."

"Brothers? You can't get married."

"Why not? Aren't you giving marriage licenses to same gender couples?"

"Yes, thousands. But we haven't had any siblings. That's incest!"

"Incest?" No, we are not gay."

"Not gay? Then why do you want to get married?"

"For the financial benefits, of course. And we do love each other.

"Besides, we don't have any other prospects."

"But we're issuing marriage licenses to gay and lesbian couples who've
been denied equal protection under the law. If you are not gay, you can
get married to a woman."

"Wait a minute. A gay man has the same right to marry a woman as I have.
But just because I'm straight doesn't mean I want to marry a woman. I
want to marry Jim."

"And I want to marry Tim, Are you going to discriminate against us just
because we are not gay?"

"All right, all right. I'll give you your license. Next."

"Hi. We are here to get married."

"Names?"

"John Smith, Jane James, Robert Green, and June Johnson."

"Who wants to marry whom?"

"We all want to marry each other."

"But there are four of you!"

"That's right. You see, we're all bisexual. I love Jane and Robert, Jane
loves me and June, June loves Robert and Jane, and Robert loves June and
me. All of us getting married together is the only way that we can
express our sexual preferences in a marital relationship."

"But we've only been granting licenses to gay and lesbian couples."

"So you're discriminating against bisexuals!"

"No, it's just that, well, the traditional idea of marriage is that it's
just for couples."

"Since when are you standing on tradition?"

"Well, I mean, you have to draw the line somewhere."

"Who says? There's no logical reason to limit marriage to couples. The
more the better. Besides, we demand our rights! The mayor says the
constitution guarantees equal protection under the law. Give us a
marriage license!"

"All right, all right. Next."

"Hello, I'd like a marriage license."

"In what names?"

"David Deets."

"And the other man?"

"That's all. I want to marry myself."

"Marry yourself? What do you mean?"

"Well, my psychiatrist says I have a dual personality, so I want to
marry the two together. Maybe I can file a joint income-tax return."

"That does it! I quit!! You people are making a mockery of marriage!"

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Funny Jokes - 25 signs you've grown up:

Funny Jokes - 25 signs you've grown up:

1.. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2.. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3.. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4.. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5.. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6.. You watch the Weather Channel.
7.. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8.. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9.. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10.. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door
won't turn down the stereo.
11.. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12.. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13.. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
14.. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
15.. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16.. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17.. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18.. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset,
rather than settle, your stomach.
19.. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and
pregnancy tests.
20.. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21.. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22.. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to
drink that much again."
23.. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24.. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25.. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that
doesn't apply to you!!!

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Funny Jokes - Drinking Jokes - A guy walks into a bar

Funny Jokes - Drinking Jokes - A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender asks him "What'll you have?"

The guy answers, "A scotch, please."

The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars."

To which he replies "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."

The bartender's not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again."

The next day, same guy walks into the bar. The bartender says, "What are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"

The guy says "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!"

To which the bartender replies "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."

The guy replies, "Why, thank you very much! Make it a scotch."

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Funny Jokes - Tech support

Funny Jokes - Tech support

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

===============================================================

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Please enter the command: "http:I Thought You Loved Me.htm" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, over use of the above applications can cause Husbant 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background, that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).

Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck, Tech Support

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Condaleeza Rice At The Airport

Condaleeza Rice At The Airport

Condaleeza Rice's Limo pulls out on the tarmac at Andrews Air Force Base and stops adjacent to her special 707 jet.

The pilot of the aircraft greets her saying, "Good morning Ms. Secretary.

I know it must be some kind of communications foul-up, but I have not received instructions as to our destination."

"Oh, thats OK, Chuck", replied Condie, "take me anywhere.

We've got problems all over the world.

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Funny Jokes - The Curse

Funny Jokes - The Curse

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.


The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

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Funny Jokes - Cooking Joke

Funny Jokes - Cooking Joke

A Chef

What's the difference between a Cook and a Chef?

A Chef is a cook who swears in French...

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Funny Jokes - Threatening Letters

Funny Jokes - Threatening Letters

The fellow stormed into the postmaster's office in a fury.

"I've been getting threatening letters in the mail for months and I want them stopped."

"Of course," said the postmaster. "Sending threatening letters through the mail is a federal offense. Do you know who's sending them?"

"Yes," shouted the man.


"It's those idiots down at the Internal Revenue Service."

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6.17.2006

Funny Jokes - Polish Divorce

Funny Jokes - Polish Divorce

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?

Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?

It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?

No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean. What are your relations like?

All my relations still in Poland.

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?

We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?

No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?

No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?

She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?

I got proof.

What kind of proof?

She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.

I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover".

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6.15.2006

Funny Jokes - Kitchen signs

Funny Jokes - Kitchen signs

SIGNS FOUND IN KITCHENS
1. Kitchen closed - - this chick has had it!
2. Martha Stewart doesn't live here!!
3. I'm creative; you can't expect me to be neat too!
4. So this isn't Home Sweet Home... Adjust!
5. Ring Bell for Maid Service...If no answer do it yourself!
6. I clean house every other day.... Today is the other day!
7. If you write in the dust, please don't date it!
8. I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!
9. My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!
10. A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life.
11. COOK CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!
12. I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
13. If you don't like my standards of cooking ... lower your standards.
14. You may touch the dust in this house ... but please don't write in it!
15. Apology ... Although you'll find our house a mess, Come in, sit down, converse. It doesn't always look like this: Some days it's even worse.
16. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.
17. If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.
18. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
19. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
20. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
21. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
22. Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.
23. Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
24. My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.
25. Gardening forever . . . Housework, never!
26. Dull women have immaculate houses.

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Funny Jokes - Blonde Jokes - Counting

Funny Jokes - Counting

A brunette is standing on some train tracks, jumping from rail to rail, singing "21" "21" "21".

A blonde walks up, sees her and decides to join her. She also starts jumping from rail to rail, singing "21" "21" "21".

Suddenly, the brunette hears a train whistle, and she jumps off the tracks just as the blonde is splattered all over the place.

After the train passes, the brunette goes back to jumping from rail to rail, counting and singing, "22" "22" "22".

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Funny Jokes - Cell Phone

Funny Jokes - Cell Phone

Friends and I were chatting over dinner in a restaurant. A man at the next table told his cell-phone caller to hold on. Then he stepped outside to talk. When he returned, I said, "That was very thoughtful."

"I had no choice," he nodded and said to me. "You were making too much noise."

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Funny Jokes - The grasshopper

The grasshopper

A grasshopper goes into a neighborhood bar. The bartender looks at him and
says, "I am delighted to see you here. Do you know that we have a drink named
after you?"

The grasshopper pauses for a minute and replies, "Why did you name a drink
'Daniel'?"

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6.04.2006

Funny Jokes - The grasshopper

Funny Jokes - The grasshopper

A grasshopper goes into a neighborhood bar. The bartender looks at him and says, "I am delighted to see you here. Do you know that we have a drink named after you?"

The grasshopper pauses for a minute and replies, "Why did you name a drink 'Daniel'?"

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Funny Jokes - Gaverment Jokes - Government Cows

Funny Jokes - Gaverment Jokes - Government Cows

You have two cows.

Your rich neighbor has ten thousand cows. In an election year, he gives two of those cows to his congressman. He gives two each to his senators, and each member of his family gives two cows to the president's re-election campaign.

The following April, the government comes and takes one of your cows, and gives it to your rich neighbor.

In February, your other cow dies because someone dumped industrial waste in the aquifer. You can't sue, though, because a "no lawsuits over dead cows" clause was recently added to an omnibus appropriations bill.

The state comes and asks for your cow, because its budget is in shambles. You don't have any cows anymore. The state takes your house.

While walking to the homeless shelter, you notice your rich neighbor putting his cows in semi- trucks. "Where are these cows going?" you ask a driver.

"Can't say," he replies. "It's a matter of national security."

"Seriously?" you ask, incredulous.

"Nah, just joshin' you," he says. "These here are being shipped off to an overseas cow shelter. He's tired of giving his cows to the government."

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6.03.2006

Funny Joks and Humor - MILITARY HUMOR (AND WISDOM)

Funny Joks and Humor - MILITARY HUMOR (AND WISDOM)


"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."

- Army's magazine of preventive maintenance .

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"Aim toward the Enemy."

- Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

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"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.

- U.S. Marine Corps

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