Funny Jokes

Why I don't bake

Mom's Brownies Recipe:

Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.

Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.

Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Jr "no, no."

Add margarine to 2 cups sugar. Take shortening can away from Jr. and clean
cupboards.

Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.

Take shortening can away from Jr. again and bathe cat.

Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening
from cat's tail.

Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour.

Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for
ventilation.

Take telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line the call was a
mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill.

Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well.

Let cat out of refrigerator.

Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13-inch pan.

Bake 25 minutes.

Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy. Explain to kids that you have no idea
if shaved cats will sunburn. Throw cat outside while there's still time and he's
still able to run away.

Frosting

Mix the following in saucepan:

1 cup sugar

1 oz unsweetened chocolate

1/4 cup margarine

Take the darn teddy bear out of the @#$% broiler and throw it away -- far away.

Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didn't know Jr had
slipped out of the house and was heading for the street. Put Jr in playpen.

Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes.

Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Billy having stuck a garden hose in
man's front door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined carpet.

Tie Billy to clothesline.

Remove burned brownies from oven

Funny Jokes

Lemons

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too
qualified for the job. Look Miss," said the foreman, "Have you any actual
experience in picking lemons?" "Well, as a matter of fact, yes!" she replied.
"I've been divorced three times."

Funny Jokes - Scared to Fly

Funny Jokes - Scared to Fly

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," he explained.

"Did you fix the noise?" asked the passenger.

"No. It just took us awhile to find a new pilot."


More Funny Jokes

Funny Jokes - Exercising

Funny Jokes - Exercising

Two overweight middle-aged women were on their daily walk. They were discussing how hard it is to lose weight as one gets older.

One woman complained that she remained apple-shaped, no matter what she did or how much exercise she got.

The other woman said that no matter how much she exercised, there was too much fat on her backside and thighs, and it seemed like it was there to stay.

Her friend agreed, saying, "It's true, it's true. The lard sure works in mysterious ways."

Funny Jokes - The Ten Commandments

TEN COMMANDMENTS

Despite how you may have personally felt about the issue, there was a good logical reason for removing the Ten Commandments monument from the Alabama Supreme Court building.

You cannot post things like "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery," and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians.

It creates a hostile work environment.

Funny Jokes - Income Tax Jokes

Funny Jokes - Income Tax Jokes

April 15th in the U.S.A..... TAXES DUE!!

------------------------
The IRS makes mistakes; taxpayers are negligent.
------------------------
George Washington never told a lie...
But then, he never had to file a Form 1040.
------------------------
America is the land of opportunity.
Everybody can become a taxpayer.
------------------------
If you want to foil the IRS computer,
fill out your 1040 form using Roman numerals.
------------------------
The attitude of Congress toward hidden taxes is
not to do away with them, but to hide them better.
------------------------
Q: What is the difference between a terrorist and a tax inspector?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.
------------------------
The income tax forms have been simplified beyond all understanding.
------------------------
It's too bad for the middle income person. They earn too much
to avoid paying taxes and make too little to afford paying them.
------------------------
It's strange how a person with no sense of humor can
come up with such funny answers on his/her tax return.
------------------------
Regardless of who wins the election, they
have to raise taxes to pay for the damage.
------------------------
Unquestionably, there is progress everywhere. The average
American now pays out as much in taxes as he once received
in wages.
------------------------
Another American invention: the permanent Temporary Tax.
------------------------
The meek may inherit the earth, but probably just in time
to see it sold for taxes.
------------------------
Of course you can't take it with you... and with high taxes,
lawyer's fees, and funeral expenses you can't leave it behind
either.
------------------------
The best things in life are still free, but
tax experts are working overtime on the problem.
------------------------
There's a new "tax cocktail" on the market...
Two drinks and you withhold nothing.
------------------------
I know a man who says he's going to invest his money
in taxes - it's the only sure thing to go up.
****************
What would a tax form be without rhetorical questions?

Funny Jokes - Taxes Jokes - I.R.S. COMMENTS

Funny Jokes - Taxes Jokes - I.R.S. COMMENTS

A Dutchman was explaining the red, white, and blue Netherlands flag to an American. "Our flag is symbolic of our taxes. We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bills and blue after we pay them."

The American nodded. "It's the same in the USA only we see stars too!"

Funny Jokes - A Special Ring

Funny Jokes - A Special Ring

A white haired man walked into a jeweler's shop late one Friday, with a beautiful young lady on his side.

"I'm looking for a special ring for my girlfriend" he said.

The jeweler looks through his stock, and takes out an outstanding ring priced at $5,000.

"I don't think you understand ... I want something very unique," he said.

At that, the jeweler went and fetched his special stock from the safe.

"Here's one stunning ring at $40,000."

The girls' eyes sparkled, and the man said that he would take it.

"How are you paying?"

"I'll pay by check, but of course the bank would want to make sure that everything is in order, so I'll write a check and you can phone the bank tomorrow, then I'll fetch the ring on Monday".

Monday morning a very pissed off jeweler phones the man. " You lied. There's no money in that account"

"I know, but can you imagine what a fantastic weekend I had?"

Funny Jokes - Procreation

Funny Jokes - Procreation

Two mothers are talking about a friend who has just given birth to triplets.

"You know, that only happens one in 12,000 times," says one.

"Amazing," says the other. "How did she ever find time to do any housework?"

Funny Jokes - Playground Injury

Funny Jokes - Playground Injury

One weekend a boy was staying with his cousin and while at the playground when he fell off the swing and hit his head. Worried that he might have a concussion, his aunt checked him all night. Every hour, she'd gently shake him and ask, "What's your name?"

Soon, he began moaning in protest each time she entered the room.

When she went in at 5:00 A.M., she found something white on his forehead. Leaning close, she saw a crayon-scrawled message taped to his forehead.

It read: "My name is Daniel."

Funny Jokes - Blind Humor - The Bumpy Road to Salvation

Funny Jokes - Blind Humor - The Bumpy Road to Salvation

One Sunday morning Sue took a friend of hers who is blind to church with her. Several of the children in the congregation were fascinated with her Braille Bible. One of the adults came over to see what had excited the kids so much.

Sue's friend told the woman, "I was showing the children how bumpy the road to salvation is."

Funny Jokes - Redneck medical practice

Funny Jokes - Redneck medical practice

A couple of good ol' boys Cleatis and Billy-Bob from down Georgia ways are out in the woods on a possum hum when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The Cleatis starts to panic, then whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He frantically blurts out to the operator, "O my gawd! Help! My bud Billy-Bob just died. He jest keeled over. He's dead, I tell ya! What can I do?"

The operator, trying to calm him says, "Take it easy. I can help. Just listen to me and follow my instructions. First, lets make sure he's dead."

There's a short pause, and then the operator hears a gun shot.

Cleatis comes back on the line and says, "OK, now what?"

Funny Jokes - Golf Jokes - Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods

Funny Jokes - Golf Jokes - Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Woods turns to Wonder and says,

"How's the singing career going?"

Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"

Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that going right now."

Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."

Tiger says, "You play golf?"

Wonder says, "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."

Woods says, "But you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball toward him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball toward his voice."

"But how do you putt?" asks Woods.

"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball toward his voice."

Woods asks, "What's your handicap?"

Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."

Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."

Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, when would you like to play?"

Stevie says, "Pick a night."



Famous Quotes
Funny Jokes
Funny Jokes
Funny Jokes

Funny Jokes - Reunion

Funny Jokes - Reunion


A friend of mine is responsible for alumni relations at his high-school alma mater.

Last fall, a member of the Class of 1986 returned the standard alumni questionnaire with this response:

Marital Status - Not good

Wife's Name - Plaintiff

Funny Jokes - Easter Jokes - Ether bunnies

Funny Jokes - Easter Jokes - Ether bunnies

Ether bunnies

ETHER BUNNIES

Knock,knock.
Who's there?
Ether
Ether who?
Ether bunny.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Anna
Anna who?
Anna nother ether bunny.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Juan
Juan who?
Juan more ether bunny.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Stella
Stella who?
Stella nother ether bunny.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Justin
Justin who?
Justin other Ether Bunny.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Samoa
Samoa who?
Samoa Ether Bunnies.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Beryl
Beryl who?
Beryl of ether bunnies.

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Sherwood.
Sherwood who?
Sherwood like to see another ether bunny.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Dewey
Dewey who?
Dewey have to listen to any more ether bunny jokes?

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Consumption.
Consumption who?
Consumption be done about all these ether bunnies?

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Cargo
Cargo who?
Cargo "beep, beep"...run over all the ether bunnies.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Orange
Orange who?
Orange you glad it's not another ether bunny joke?

Funny Jokes - Easter Jokes - Ether bunnies

Funny Jokes - Military Wisdom.....

Military Wisdom.....

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you
least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of
your unit." -Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

"Aim towards the Enemy." -Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
-U.S. Marine Corps

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are
guaranteed to always hit the ground." -U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
-Infantry Journal

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you
just bombed." -U.S. Air Force Manual

"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never
encountered automatic weapons." -Gen. Mac Arthur

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
-Infantry Journal

"You, you, and you....Panic. The rest of you, come with me."
-U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

"Tracers work both ways."
-U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five second fuses only last three seconds." -Infantry Journal

"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever
volunteer to do anything." -U. S Navy Swabbie

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
-David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."
-Infantry Journal

"No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection."
-Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper... once." -Anon

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
-Unknown Marine Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
-Your Buddies

"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him."
-U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

What the Easter bunny taught me

What the Easter bunny taught me

ALL I EVER NEEDED TO KNOW ABOUT LIFE I LEARNED FROM THE EASTER BUNNY

Don't put all of your eggs in one basket.
Walk softly and carry a big carrot.
Everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
There's no such thing as too much candy.
All work and no play can make you a basket case.
A cute little tail attracts a lot of attention.
Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day.
Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits.
Some body parts should be floppy.
Keep your paws off other people's jellybeans.
Good things come in small sugar-coated packages.
The grass is always greener in someone else's basket.
An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare.
To show your true colors - you have to come out of your shell.
The best things in life are still sweet and gooey.
Author Unknown

Funny Jokes - BRINGING HOME A SECOND

BRINGING HOME A SECOND

When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this:

"Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, 'We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'"

One of the women spoke up immediately. "Does she cook???"

Recipes

Katrina Victims At The Pearly Gates

Katrina Victims At The Pearly Gates

St Peter looked up and over 1000 folks from New Orleans were converging on the Pearly Gates.

Never having had more than one or two persons a day from New Orleans before, he ran to God and asked him what to do.

God told him, "Don't worry, St Peter. There's been a terrible flood in New Orleans. That's the reason for the large number of New Orleanians showing up at once."

St Peter ran back to the Pearly Gates and then ran right back to God yelling, "They're gone, they're gone!"

God said calmly, "St Peter, those 1000 people from New Orleans could not be gone that quickly."

St Peter said, "No, the Pearly Gates! They're gone!"

Marriage Jokes - Funny Jokes

Marriage Jokes - Funny Jokes

When you see a married man open the car door for his wife, one of two things is true; either the car is new, or the wife.

Before you marry, a man will stay awake all night thinking about something you said; after you marry, he'll fall asleep before you finish.

Getting married is grand; getting un-married, about a hundred grand.

Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, a good cook, economical, and great in bed; but by law, you can only have one.

A man is not complete until he's married; then he's finished

Funny Jokes - A middle-aged woman

A middle-aged woman

seemed sheepish as she

visited her gynecologist.


"Come now," coaxed the doctor,

"you've been seeing me for years!

There's nothing you can't tell me."

"This one's kind of strange..."

"Let me be the judge of that,"

the doctor replied.

"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies."


"I see."

"That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were nickels in the bowl."



"That night," she went on, "I went again,

plink-plink-plink, and there were dimes and this morning there were quarters ! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!," she implored,

"I'm scared out of my wits!"


The gynecologist put a comforting

hand on her shoulder.
"There, there, it's nothing to be scared about."







~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Ready for this?)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(I'm warning you.....)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Still not too late....delete now!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~












"You're simply going through the change!

Funny Jokes - And God Created Dog and Cat

Funny Jokes - And God Created Dog and Cat

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to
'Where do pets come from?'

Adam said, 'Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day.
Now I do not see you any more. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me
to remember how much you love me.'



And God said 'No problem. I will create a companion for you that will be
with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you so that you
will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or
childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you
are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself.'

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good
animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam
and it wagged its tail.

And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom
and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'

And God said, 'No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a
reflection of my love for you his name will be a reflection of my own name,
and you will call him Dog.'

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam
was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord
and said, 'Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens
like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed
taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well.'

And the Lord said, 'No problem. I will create for him a companion who will
be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind
him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of
adoration.'

And God created Cat to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam.
And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the
Supreme Being. And Adam learned humility.

And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn't care one way or the other.

Funny Jokes - NASCAR Wine Tasting

Funny Jokes - NASCAR Wine Tasting

The Top 8 Signs You're at a NASCAR Wine Tasting...

8. Everyone dumps a little wine on the ground and says "Good Ol' Number 3" whenever Dale Earnhardt is mentioned.

7. For slower drinking, the glasses have restrictor plates.

6. You won the raffle and scored the only, and highly coveted bottle of Chateau Talladega 96 octane.

5. The winning wine this week is the #3 bottle, sponsored by Tide, Miller Light, NAPA Auto Parts and Rogaine.

4. "The corkscrew was working really well today, but then Billy bumped me while I was trying to open the Merlot, but that's just wine tasting."

3. The winning Oklahoma vintner swears that 10W30 means "bottled on October 30."

2. Later in the day, you see 30 cars weaving around the track at ten miles an hour with their left blinkers on.

And the #1 Sign You're at a NASCAR Wine Tasting...

1. No one's really interested in the wine -- they're all just waiting to see someone drop a bottle!

Funny Jokes - IRS SCAM

Funny Jokes - IRS SCAM

IRS SCAM - WARNING! PLEASE READ IMMEDIATELY! THIS IS SERIOUS!

If you get an envelope from a company called the Internal Revenue Service, DO NOT OPEN IT! This group operates a scam around this time every year. Their letter claims that you owe them money, which they will take and use to pay for the operation of essential functions of the United States government.

This is untrue! The money the IRS collects is used to fund various inefficient and pointless social engineering projects. This organization has ties to another shady outfit called the Social Security Administration, who claim to take money from your regular paychecks and save it for your retirement. In truth, the SSA uses the money to pay for the same misguided make-work projects the IRS helps mastermind.

These scam artists have bilked honest, hard working Americans out of billions of dollars. Don't be among them!

FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW

Dogs And Computers -- Similar?

Dogs And Computers -- Similar?

* Favorite Food
Dogs: kibbles
Computers: bits

* After destruction of personal property
D: dog not found
C: file not found

* Favorite trick
D: roll over
C: play dead

* Comic-page hero
D: Dogbert
C: Dilbert

* Widely ignored government mandate
D: leash law
C: Communications Decency Act

* Waste disposal tool
D: pooper-scooper
C: uninstaller (necessary only on Win-tel machines!)

* Method of marking territory
D: lifting leg
C: "Designed for Windows 2000"

* Unique behavior
D: lick and drag
C: click-and-drag

* Estimated lifespan
D: 12 years
C: 12 months

Funny Jokes - Marriage Jokes

Funny Jokes - Marriage Jokes

An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman in her twenties and is contemplating a proposal.

"Do you think she'd marry me if I tell her I'm 45?" he asked a friend.

"Your chances are better," said the friend, "if you tell her you're 90."

John Kerry and Late Night Comedians

John Kerry and Late Night Comedians

Late night Comedians and Talk Show hosts are having a Field Day

"In his speech last night, John Kerry said this was the beginning of
the end of the Bush administration. I agree. It may take another
five years, but this is it."

"John Kerry will be the Democratic nominee for
president. Democrats finally found someone who is Al Gore without
the flash and the sizzle."

"Kerry has already begun his search for a running
mate. They say that because John Edwards still has $50 million in
campaign money, Kerry might pick him. Pick him? Hey, for $50
million, Kerry will marry him"



"Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the
ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions
than Paris Hilton."

"According to a new study, Botox injections can help back pain. So
you see, that's why John Kerry had all that Botox - his back was
killing him from all that flip-flopping on issues."


"The Democrats are all over this. Democratic
strategists feel John Kerry's war record means he can beat Bush.
They say when it comes down to it voters will always vote for a war
hero over someone who tried to get out of the war. I'll be sure to
mention that to Bob Dole when I see him."

"They had a profile of John Kerry on the news and they said his
first wife was worth around $300 million and his second wife, his
current wife, is worth around $700 million. So when John Kerry says
he's going after the wealthy in this country, he's not just talking.
He's doing it!"

"In a new issue of Esquire magazine, they revealed that before he
was married to Teresa Heinz, Senator John Kerry dated Morgan
Fairchild, Michelle Phillips, Catherine Oxenberg and Dana Delany.
Finally a Democratic presidential candidate with good taste in
women." Jay Leno

"John Kerry's victory over Howard Dean has completely changed the
presidential race around. Now instead of the rich white guy from
Yale who lives in the White house facing off against the rich white
guy from Yale who lives in Vermont, he may have to face the rich
white guy from Yale who lives in Massachusetts. It's a
whole different game."


"John Kerry is recovering nicely after having prostate surgery. But
the doctors did tell him it would be several months before he could
be sexually active again. All the other Democratic candidates have
been very supportive. Joe Lieberman called to wish him the best.
The Rev. Al Sharpton called to offer prayers. Former President Bill
Clinton called Mrs. Kerry and asked if she was lonely."

EVER WONDER...

EVER WONDER...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and dishwashing liquid
made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why
don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Bad children's book titles - Bad children's book titles

Funny Jokes -

\Bad children's book titles

Children's Books That Didn't Make It

1) You're Different -- And That's Bad
2) The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
3) Robert: Dad's New Wife
4) Fun Four-Letter Words to Know and Share
5) The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
6) Kathy Was So Bad That her Mom Stopped Loving Her
7) Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
8) All Cats Go to Hell
9) The Little Sissy That Snitched
10) Why Can't Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Outlet be Friends?
11) That's It, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption.
12) Grandpa Gets a Casket
13) 101 Things You Can Do at the Bottom of the Pool
14) The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15) Controlling the Playground: Respect Through Fear
16) The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17) Strangers Have the Best Candy
18) Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19) You Were an Accident
20) Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21) Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
22) Your Nightmares Are Real
23) Where Would You Like to be Buried?
24) You've Got Hepatitis B, Charlie Brown
25) Valuable Protein and Other Nutritional Benefits of Things from Your Nose
26) Playing Dentist with Grandma's teeth
27) Eating Your Ant Farm

Funny Jokes - Efficiency

Funny Jokes - Efficiency

I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years.

She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time.

'Honey,' I suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at
once?'"

It did save time.

It used to take her 20 minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven.

Funny Jokes - Perfectly Normal

Funny Jokes - Perfectly Normal

"Now, what are you planning to do about that excess weight you're carrying around?" the doctor asked.

"I just can't seem to lose the weight," I said."Must be an overactive thyroid."

"The tests show your thyroid is perfectly normal," the doctor said. "If anything is overactive, it's your fork."

Funny Jokes - Golf Jokes

Funny Jokes - Golf Jokes

Eighteen holes of match play will teach you more about your foe than 18 years of dealing with him across a desk.
- Grantland Rice

If profanity had an influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is.
- Horace G. Hutchinson

Man blames fate for other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole in one.
- Unknown

It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
- Mark Twain

Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.
- Harry Vardon

Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at them.
- Jimmy DeMaret

May thy ball lie in green pastures - and not in still waters.
- Unknown

The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie.
- George Deukmejian

Golf appeals to the idiot and the child in us. Just how childlike golfers become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.
- John Updike

It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf.
- Robert Lynd

They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf is more complicated than that.
- Gardner Dickinson

If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork the way they do a golf club, they'd starve to death.
- Sam Snead

Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness.
- William Wordsworth

If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt.
- Dean Martin

If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don't have to waste energy going back to pick it up.
- Tommy Bolt

I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes - they'd come up sliced.
- Unknown

My handicap? Woods and irons.
- Chris Codiroli

The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flagstick on top.
- Pete Dye

I'm hitting the woods just great - but having a terrible time getting out of them!
- Unknown

The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.
- Billy Graham

If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
- Jack Lemmon

If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook. If I hit it straight, it's a miracle.
- Unknown

Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.
- Unknown

Funny Jokes - How Much?

Funny Jokes - How Much?

Three people arrive at the pearly gates and St. Peter greets them.

"You may all enter the kingdom of heaven, but you must tell me
how much your salary was per year when you died."

He turned to the first man. "Your salary?"

"Three million," said the man.

"Really?" said St. Peter. "What did you do for a living?"

"I was CEO of an internet startup company before it tanked."

"Hmm...go on in," said St. Peter. "And your salary?" he said to the
next man.

"$120,000," replied the man.

"And what did you do?"

"I was an architect."

"Okay, go on in," said St. Peter. The second man went in and St. Peter
turned to the third man. "And your salary?"

"$9,000," said the third man.

"Really?" said St. Peter. "What instrument did you play?"

Funny Jokes - What Causes It?

Funny Jokes - What Causes It?

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next
to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered
with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out
of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and
asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

Thinking to use the opportunity to teach the man a lesson, the
priest replied, "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with
cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your
fellow man."

"Well I'll be damned." the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and
apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong.
How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father, but I was just reading here that the
Pope does."

Artists From The '60's.....

Artists From The '60's.....

Some of the artists from the '60 's are revising their hits with new
lyrics to accommodate
us aging baby boomers. This is good news for " those feeling a little older
" and missing
those great old tunes


Herman's Hermits

"MRS. BROWN, YOU'VE GOT A LOVELY WALKER"



The Bee Gees

"HOW CAN YOU MEND A BROKEN HIP"



Bobby Darin

"SPLISH, SPLASH, I WAS HAVIN' A FLASH"



Ringo Starr

"I GET BY WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM DEPENDS"



Roberta Flack

"THE FIRST TIME EVER I FORGOT YOUR FACE"



Johnny Nash

"I CAN'T SEE CLEARLY NOW"



Paul Simon

"FIFTY WAYS TO LOSE YOUR LIVER"



Commodores

"ONCE, TWICE, THREE TIMES TO THE BATHROOM"



Marvin Gaye

"I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPE NUTS"



Procol Harem

"A WHITER SHADE OF HAIR"



Leo Sayer

"YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE NAPPING"



The Temptations

"PAPA'S GOT A KIDNEY STONE"



ABBA

"DENTURE QUEEN"

Funny Jokes - Medical news

Funny Jokes - Medical news

The doctor took his patient into his office and said, "I have some good news and some bad news."

The patient said, "Give me the good news first."

The doctor said, "They're going to name a disease after you."

Funny Jokes - SNORING

Funny Jokes - SNORING

A study published in "Neurology" says people who snore
are more prone to getting headaches. No reason is
given. But could it be on account of their spouses
hitting them in the head all night long trying to get them to stop snoring?

Funny Jokes - Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!!

Funny Jokes - Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!!

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch

standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of

airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all

traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate

frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to

test the strength of the windshields.



British engineers heard about the gun and were eager

to test it on the windshields of their new high speed

trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to

the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the

engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of

the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield,

smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control

console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and

embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an

arrow shot from a bow.



The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results

of the experiment, along with the designs of the

windshield and begged the US scientists for

suggestions.



You're going to love this...



NASA responded with a one-line memo............



"Defrost the chicken."


Funny Jokes
Funny Jokes

Funny Quotes

Funny Quotes

"The distinction between past, present and future is only an illusion, even if a stubborn one."
- Albert Einstein

Funny Jokes - Blonde Jokes

Funny Jokes - Blonde Jokes - EXPOSURE

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right
breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, Ma'am, are you
aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?" She says, "Why,
officer?"
"Because your breast is hanging out." He says. She looks down and says,
"OH MY God, I left the baby on the bus again!"

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees
another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I
get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down
the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind
the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his
flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned
on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"



Funny Jokes
Funny Jokes
Funny Jokes

Funny Jokes - Blonde Jokes - BLONDE ON THE SUN

Funny Jokes - Blonde Jokes - BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"


Funny Jokes

Funny Jokes - Blonde Jokes - Final Exam

Funny Jokes - Blonde Jokes - Final Exam

The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of yes/no type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin, marking the answer sheet: Yes, for Heads, and No, for Tails.

Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out. During the last few minutes she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my answers."

Funny Jokes

Funny Jokes - Blonde Jokes - Angry Blonde

Funny Jokes - Blonde Jokes - Angry Blonde

BLONDE JOKE

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is!"



My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

Funny Jokes - Bad Jokes - Signs You've Bought A Bad Car

Funny Jokes - Bad Jokes - Signs You've Bought A Bad Car

Your tinted windows are also known as Hefty Garbage Bags.

The car reaches its optimum speed when going downhill.

The hi-tech stereo system often requires a new needle.

The rearview mirror says, "Objects in Mirror Are Better Than This Piece of Junk."

The odometer on the dashboard is not as sophisticated as the everyday abacus.

Traffic Watch warns other drivers what highway you're taking.

The sticker on the windshield says, "Batteries Not Included."

You fill up the tank with Unleaded Coal.

You can only go to restaurants that offer Valet Pushing.

When you approach hitchhikers, they put their thumbs down.

Funny Jokes - Kids in church

Funny Jokes - Kids in church

A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon."How do you know what to say?" he asked."Why, God tells me." "Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
---------------
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

Funny Jokes - I LOVE MY JOB

I LOVE MY JOB
(NOT by Dr Seuss)
I love my job, I love the pay.
I love it more and more each day.
I love my boss; he is the best.
I love his boss and all the rest.

I love my office and its location.
I hate to have to go on vacation.
I love my furniture, drab and gray,
and the paper that piles up every day.

I love my chair in my padded cell.
There's nothing else I love so well.
I love to work among my peers.
I love their leers and jeers and sneers.

I love my computer and its software;
I hug it often though it don't care.
I love each program and every file,
I try to understand once in a while.

I'm happy to be here, I am, I am.
I'm the happiest slave of my Uncle Sam.
I love this work; I love these chores.
I love the meetings with deadly bores.

I love my job -- I'll say it again.
I even love these friendly men.
These men who've come to visit today.
In lovely white coats to take me away.

Funny Jokes - Dogs vs Cats

Funny Jokes - Dogs vs Cats

11. Dogs come when you call them. Cats take a message and get
back to you when they are good and ready.
10. Dogs look much better at the end of a leash.
9. Dogs will let you give them a bath without taking out a
contract on your life.
8. Dogs will bark to wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats
will quietly sneak out the back door.
7. Dogs will bring you your slippers or the evening newspaper.
Cats might bring you a dead mouse.
6. Dogs will play Frisbee with you all afternoon. Cats will take
a three-hour nap.
5. Dogs will sit on the car seat next to you. Cats have to have
their own private box or they will not go at all.
4. Dogs will greet you and lick your face when you come home from
work. Cats will be mad that you went to work at all.
3. Dogs will sit, lie down, and heel on command. Cats will smirk
and walk away.
2. Dogs will tilt their heads and listen whenever you talk. Cats
will yawn and close their eyes.
1. Dogs will give you unconditional love forever. Cats will make
you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you
were born.

Funny Jokes - COUNTRY SONG TITLES

Funny Jokes - COUNTRY SONG TITLES

* "Don't Cut through the Wheat Field Granny,
You're Going Against the Grain."
* "If you can't get an upper berth in Hawaii,
You can always get Aloha."
* "If you were the Only Girl in the World,
You would probably be my Sister."
* "It's better to have loved a short girl,
Than never to have loved a tall."
* "Every time we throw a Party,
She beats me to the Punch."

Funny Jokes - Real Teachers

Funny Jokes - Real Teachers

Real teachers buy Excedrin and Advil in bulk at Sam's or Wal-Mart.

Real teachers will eat anything left in the teacher's lounge.

Real teachers grade papers in the car, during commercials, in faculty meetings, in the bathroom, and at the end of nine weeks have even been seen grading in church.

Real teachers know that sixth graders get hormones from Santa at Christmas.

Real teachers cheer when they hear that April 1st does not fall on a school day.

Real teachers can't walk past a crowd of kids without straightening up the line.

Real teachers never sit down without first checking the seat of the chair.

Real teachers have disjointed necks from writing on boards without turning around.

Real teachers are written up in medical journals for the size and elasticity of their bladders.

Real teachers wear glasses from trying to read the fine print in the teacher's manuals.

Real teachers have been timed gulping down lunch in 2 minutes 18 seconds.

Master teachers can eat faster than that.

Real teachers can predict exactly which parents show up at open house.

Real teachers understand the importance of making sure every kid gets a Valentine.

Real teachers never teach the conjugations of "lie" and "lay" to eighth graders.