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7.31.2006

Funny Jokes

Why I don't bake

Mom's Brownies Recipe:

Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.

Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.

Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Jr "no, no."

Add margarine to 2 cups sugar. Take shortening can away from Jr. and clean
cupboards.

Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.

Take shortening can away from Jr. again and bathe cat.

Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening
from cat's tail.

Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour.

Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for
ventilation.

Take telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line the call was a
mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill.

Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well.

Let cat out of refrigerator.

Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13-inch pan.

Bake 25 minutes.

Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy. Explain to kids that you have no idea
if shaved cats will sunburn. Throw cat outside while there's still time and he's
still able to run away.

Frosting

Mix the following in saucepan:

1 cup sugar

1 oz unsweetened chocolate

1/4 cup margarine

Take the darn teddy bear out of the @#$% broiler and throw it away -- far away.

Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didn't know Jr had
slipped out of the house and was heading for the street. Put Jr in playpen.

Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes.

Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Billy having stuck a garden hose in
man's front door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined carpet.

Tie Billy to clothesline.

Remove burned brownies from oven

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Funny Jokes

Lemons

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too
qualified for the job. Look Miss," said the foreman, "Have you any actual
experience in picking lemons?" "Well, as a matter of fact, yes!" she replied.
"I've been divorced three times."

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Funny Jokes - Scared to Fly

Funny Jokes - Scared to Fly

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," he explained.

"Did you fix the noise?" asked the passenger.

"No. It just took us awhile to find a new pilot."


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Funny Jokes - Exercising

Funny Jokes - Exercising

Two overweight middle-aged women were on their daily walk. They were discussing how hard it is to lose weight as one gets older.

One woman complained that she remained apple-shaped, no matter what she did or how much exercise she got.

The other woman said that no matter how much she exercised, there was too much fat on her backside and thighs, and it seemed like it was there to stay.

Her friend agreed, saying, "It's true, it's true. The lard sure works in mysterious ways."

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Funny Jokes - The Ten Commandments

TEN COMMANDMENTS

Despite how you may have personally felt about the issue, there was a good logical reason for removing the Ten Commandments monument from the Alabama Supreme Court building.

You cannot post things like "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery," and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians.

It creates a hostile work environment.

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7.30.2006

Funny Jokes - Income Tax Jokes

Funny Jokes - Income Tax Jokes

April 15th in the U.S.A..... TAXES DUE!!

------------------------
The IRS makes mistakes; taxpayers are negligent.
------------------------
George Washington never told a lie...
But then, he never had to file a Form 1040.
------------------------
America is the land of opportunity.
Everybody can become a taxpayer.
------------------------
If you want to foil the IRS computer,
fill out your 1040 form using Roman numerals.
------------------------
The attitude of Congress toward hidden taxes is
not to do away with them, but to hide them better.
------------------------
Q: What is the difference between a terrorist and a tax inspector?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.
------------------------
The income tax forms have been simplified beyond all understanding.
------------------------
It's too bad for the middle income person. They earn too much
to avoid paying taxes and make too little to afford paying them.
------------------------
It's strange how a person with no sense of humor can
come up with such funny answers on his/her tax return.
------------------------
Regardless of who wins the election, they
have to raise taxes to pay for the damage.
------------------------
Unquestionably, there is progress everywhere. The average
American now pays out as much in taxes as he once received
in wages.
------------------------
Another American invention: the permanent Temporary Tax.
------------------------
The meek may inherit the earth, but probably just in time
to see it sold for taxes.
------------------------
Of course you can't take it with you... and with high taxes,
lawyer's fees, and funeral expenses you can't leave it behind
either.
------------------------
The best things in life are still free, but
tax experts are working overtime on the problem.
------------------------
There's a new "tax cocktail" on the market...
Two drinks and you withhold nothing.
------------------------
I know a man who says he's going to invest his money
in taxes - it's the only sure thing to go up.
****************
What would a tax form be without rhetorical questions?

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Funny Jokes - Taxes Jokes - I.R.S. COMMENTS

Funny Jokes - Taxes Jokes - I.R.S. COMMENTS

A Dutchman was explaining the red, white, and blue Netherlands flag to an American. "Our flag is symbolic of our taxes. We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bills and blue after we pay them."

The American nodded. "It's the same in the USA only we see stars too!"

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Funny Jokes - A Special Ring

Funny Jokes - A Special Ring

A white haired man walked into a jeweler's shop late one Friday, with a beautiful young lady on his side.

"I'm looking for a special ring for my girlfriend" he said.

The jeweler looks through his stock, and takes out an outstanding ring priced at $5,000.

"I don't think you understand ... I want something very unique," he said.

At that, the jeweler went and fetched his special stock from the safe.

"Here's one stunning ring at $40,000."

The girls' eyes sparkled, and the man said that he would take it.

"How are you paying?"

"I'll pay by check, but of course the bank would want to make sure that everything is in order, so I'll write a check and you can phone the bank tomorrow, then I'll fetch the ring on Monday".

Monday morning a very pissed off jeweler phones the man. " You lied. There's no money in that account"

"I know, but can you imagine what a fantastic weekend I had?"

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Funny Jokes - Procreation

Funny Jokes - Procreation

Two mothers are talking about a friend who has just given birth to triplets.

"You know, that only happens one in 12,000 times," says one.

"Amazing," says the other. "How did she ever find time to do any housework?"

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Funny Jokes - Playground Injury

Funny Jokes - Playground Injury

One weekend a boy was staying with his cousin and while at the playground when he fell off the swing and hit his head. Worried that he might have a concussion, his aunt checked him all night. Every hour, she'd gently shake him and ask, "What's your name?"

Soon, he began moaning in protest each time she entered the room.

When she went in at 5:00 A.M., she found something white on his forehead. Leaning close, she saw a crayon-scrawled message taped to his forehead.

It read: "My name is Daniel."

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Funny Jokes - Blind Humor - The Bumpy Road to Salvation

Funny Jokes - Blind Humor - The Bumpy Road to Salvation

One Sunday morning Sue took a friend of hers who is blind to church with her. Several of the children in the congregation were fascinated with her Braille Bible. One of the adults came over to see what had excited the kids so much.

Sue's friend told the woman, "I was showing the children how bumpy the road to salvation is."

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Funny Jokes - Redneck medical practice

Funny Jokes - Redneck medical practice

A couple of good ol' boys Cleatis and Billy-Bob from down Georgia ways are out in the woods on a possum hum when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The Cleatis starts to panic, then whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He frantically blurts out to the operator, "O my gawd! Help! My bud Billy-Bob just died. He jest keeled over. He's dead, I tell ya! What can I do?"

The operator, trying to calm him says, "Take it easy. I can help. Just listen to me and follow my instructions. First, lets make sure he's dead."

There's a short pause, and then the operator hears a gun shot.

Cleatis comes back on the line and says, "OK, now what?"

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Funny Jokes - Golf Jokes - Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods

Funny Jokes - Golf Jokes - Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Woods turns to Wonder and says,

"How's the singing career going?"

Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"

Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that going right now."

Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."

Tiger says, "You play golf?"

Wonder says, "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."

Woods says, "But you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball toward him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball toward his voice."

"But how do you putt?" asks Woods.

"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball toward his voice."

Woods asks, "What's your handicap?"

Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."

Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."

Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, when would you like to play?"

Stevie says, "Pick a night."



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Funny Jokes - Reunion

Funny Jokes - Reunion


A friend of mine is responsible for alumni relations at his high-school alma mater.

Last fall, a member of the Class of 1986 returned the standard alumni questionnaire with this response:

Marital Status - Not good

Wife's Name - Plaintiff

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Funny Jokes - Easter Jokes - Ether bunnies

Funny Jokes - Easter Jokes - Ether bunnies

Ether bunnies

ETHER BUNNIES

Knock,knock.
Who's there?
Ether
Ether who?
Ether bunny.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Anna
Anna who?
Anna nother ether bunny.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Juan
Juan who?
Juan more ether bunny.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Stella
Stella who?
Stella nother ether bunny.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Justin
Justin who?
Justin other Ether Bunny.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Samoa
Samoa who?
Samoa Ether Bunnies.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Beryl
Beryl who?
Beryl of ether bunnies.

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Sherwood.
Sherwood who?
Sherwood like to see another ether bunny.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Dewey
Dewey who?
Dewey have to listen to any more ether bunny jokes?

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Consumption.
Consumption who?
Consumption be done about all these ether bunnies?

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Cargo
Cargo who?
Cargo "beep, beep"...run over all the ether bunnies.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Orange
Orange who?
Orange you glad it's not another ether bunny joke?

Funny Jokes - Easter Jokes - Ether bunnies

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Funny Jokes - Military Wisdom.....

Military Wisdom.....

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you
least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of
your unit." -Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

"Aim towards the Enemy." -Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
-U.S. Marine Corps

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are
guaranteed to always hit the ground." -U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
-Infantry Journal

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you
just bombed." -U.S. Air Force Manual

"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never
encountered automatic weapons." -Gen. Mac Arthur

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
-Infantry Journal

"You, you, and you....Panic. The rest of you, come with me."
-U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

"Tracers work both ways."
-U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five second fuses only last three seconds." -Infantry Journal

"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever
volunteer to do anything." -U. S Navy Swabbie

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
-David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."
-Infantry Journal

"No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection."
-Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper... once." -Anon

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
-Unknown Marine Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
-Your Buddies

"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him."
-U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

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What the Easter bunny taught me

What the Easter bunny taught me

ALL I EVER NEEDED TO KNOW ABOUT LIFE I LEARNED FROM THE EASTER BUNNY

Don't put all of your eggs in one basket.
Walk softly and carry a big carrot.
Everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
There's no such thing as too much candy.
All work and no play can make you a basket case.
A cute little tail attracts a lot of attention.
Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day.
Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits.
Some body parts should be floppy.
Keep your paws off other people's jellybeans.
Good things come in small sugar-coated packages.
The grass is always greener in someone else's basket.
An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare.
To show your true colors - you have to come out of your shell.
The best things in life are still sweet and gooey.
Author Unknown

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Funny Jokes - BRINGING HOME A SECOND

BRINGING HOME A SECOND

When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this:

"Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, 'We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'"

One of the women spoke up immediately. "Does she cook???"

Recipes

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Katrina Victims At The Pearly Gates

Katrina Victims At The Pearly Gates

St Peter looked up and over 1000 folks from New Orleans were converging on the Pearly Gates.

Never having had more than one or two persons a day from New Orleans before, he ran to God and asked him what to do.

God told him, "Don't worry, St Peter. There's been a terrible flood in New Orleans. That's the reason for the large number of New Orleanians showing up at once."

St Peter ran back to the Pearly Gates and then ran right back to God yelling, "They're gone, they're gone!"

God said calmly, "St Peter, those 1000 people from New Orleans could not be gone that quickly."

St Peter said, "No, the Pearly Gates! They're gone!"

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Marriage Jokes - Funny Jokes

Marriage Jokes - Funny Jokes

When you see a married man open the car door for his wife, one of two things is true; either the car is new, or the wife.

Before you marry, a man will stay awake all night thinking about something you said; after you marry, he'll fall asleep before you finish.

Getting married is grand; getting un-married, about a hundred grand.

Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, a good cook, economical, and great in bed; but by law, you can only have one.

A man is not complete until he's married; then he's finished

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7.28.2006

Funny Jokes - A middle-aged woman

A middle-aged woman

seemed sheepish as she

visited her gynecologist.


"Come now," coaxed the doctor,

"you've been seeing me for years!

There's nothing you can't tell me."

"This one's kind of strange..."

"Let me be the judge of that,"

the doctor replied.

"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies."


"I see."

"That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were nickels in the bowl."



"That night," she went on, "I went again,

plink-plink-plink, and there were dimes and this morning there were quarters ! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!," she implored,

"I'm scared out of my wits!"


The gynecologist put a comforting

hand on her shoulder.
"There, there, it's nothing to be scared about."







~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Ready for this?)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(I'm warning you.....)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Still not too late....delete now!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~












"You're simply going through the change!

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Funny Jokes - And God Created Dog and Cat

Funny Jokes - And God Created Dog and Cat

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to
'Where do pets come from?'

Adam said, 'Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day.
Now I do not see you any more. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me
to remember how much you love me.'



And God said 'No problem. I will create a companion for you that will be
with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you so that you
will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or
childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you
are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself.'

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good
animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam
and it wagged its tail.

And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom
and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'

And God said, 'No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a
reflection of my love for you his name will be a reflection of my own name,
and you will call him Dog.'

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam
was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord
and said, 'Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens
like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed
taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well.'

And the Lord said, 'No problem. I will create for him a companion who will
be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind
him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of
adoration.'

And God created Cat to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam.
And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the
Supreme Being. And Adam learned humility.

And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn't care one way or the other.

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Funny Jokes - NASCAR Wine Tasting

Funny Jokes - NASCAR Wine Tasting

The Top 8 Signs You're at a NASCAR Wine Tasting...

8. Everyone dumps a little wine on the ground and says "Good Ol' Number 3" whenever Dale Earnhardt is mentioned.

7. For slower drinking, the glasses have restrictor plates.

6. You won the raffle and scored the only, and highly coveted bottle of Chateau Talladega 96 octane.

5. The winning wine this week is the #3 bottle, sponsored by Tide, Miller Light, NAPA Auto Parts and Rogaine.

4. "The corkscrew was working really well today, but then Billy bumped me while I was trying to open the Merlot, but that's just wine tasting."

3. The winning Oklahoma vintner swears that 10W30 means "bottled on October 30."

2. Later in the day, you see 30 cars weaving around the track at ten miles an hour with their left blinkers on.

And the #1 Sign You're at a NASCAR Wine Tasting...

1. No one's really interested in the wine -- they're all just waiting to see someone drop a bottle!



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7.27.2006

Funny Jokes - IRS SCAM

Funny Jokes - IRS SCAM

IRS SCAM - WARNING! PLEASE READ IMMEDIATELY! THIS IS SERIOUS!

If you get an envelope from a company called the Internal Revenue Service, DO NOT OPEN IT! This group operates a scam around this time every year. Their letter claims that you owe them money, which they will take and use to pay for the operation of essential functions of the United States government.

This is untrue! The money the IRS collects is used to fund various inefficient and pointless social engineering projects. This organization has ties to another shady outfit called the Social Security Administration, who claim to take money from your regular paychecks and save it for your retirement. In truth, the SSA uses the money to pay for the same misguided make-work projects the IRS helps mastermind.

These scam artists have bilked honest, hard working Americans out of billions of dollars. Don't be among them!

FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW

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7.26.2006

Dogs And Computers -- Similar?



Dogs And Computers -- Similar?

* Favorite Food
Dogs: kibbles
Computers: bits

* After destruction of personal property
D: dog not found
C: file not found

* Favorite trick
D: roll over
C: play dead

* Comic-page hero
D: Dogbert
C: Dilbert

* Widely ignored government mandate
D: leash law
C: Communications Decency Act

* Waste disposal tool
D: pooper-scooper
C: uninstaller (necessary only on Win-tel machines!)

* Method of marking territory
D: lifting leg
C: "Designed for Windows 2000"

* Unique behavior
D: lick and drag
C: click-and-drag

* Estimated lifespan
D: 12 years
C: 12 months

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Funny Jokes - Marriage Jokes

Funny Jokes - Marriage Jokes

An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman in her twenties and is contemplating a proposal.

"Do you think she'd marry me if I tell her I'm 45?" he asked a friend.

"Your chances are better," said the friend, "if you tell her you're 90."

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John Kerry and Late Night Comedians

John Kerry and Late Night Comedians

Late night Comedians and Talk Show hosts are having a Field Day

"In his speech last night, John Kerry said this was the beginning of
the end of the Bush administration. I agree. It may take another
five years, but this is it."

"John Kerry will be the Democratic nominee for
president. Democrats finally found someone who is Al Gore without
the flash and the sizzle."

"Kerry has already begun his search for a running
mate. They say that because John Edwards still has $50 million in
campaign money, Kerry might pick him. Pick him? Hey, for $50
million, Kerry will marry him"



"Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the
ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions
than Paris Hilton."

"According to a new study, Botox injections can help back pain. So
you see, that's why John Kerry had all that Botox - his back was
killing him from all that flip-flopping on issues."


"The Democrats are all over this. Democratic
strategists feel John Kerry's war record means he can beat Bush.
They say when it comes down to it voters will always vote for a war
hero over someone who tried to get out of the war. I'll be sure to
mention that to Bob Dole when I see him."

"They had a profile of John Kerry on the news and they said his
first wife was worth around $300 million and his second wife, his
current wife, is worth around $700 million. So when John Kerry says
he's going after the wealthy in this country, he's not just talking.
He's doing it!"

"In a new issue of Esquire magazine, they revealed that before he
was married to Teresa Heinz, Senator John Kerry dated Morgan
Fairchild, Michelle Phillips, Catherine Oxenberg and Dana Delany.
Finally a Democratic presidential candidate with good taste in
women." Jay Leno

"John Kerry's victory over Howard Dean has completely changed the
presidential race around. Now instead of the rich white guy from
Yale who lives in the White house facing off against the rich white
guy from Yale who lives in Vermont, he may have to face the rich
white guy from Yale who lives in Massachusetts. It's a
whole different game."


"John Kerry is recovering nicely after having prostate surgery. But
the doctors did tell him it would be several months before he could
be sexually active again. All the other Democratic candidates have
been very supportive. Joe Lieberman called to wish him the best.
The Rev. Al Sharpton called to offer prayers. Former President Bill
Clinton called Mrs. Kerry and asked if she was lonely."

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EVER WONDER...

EVER WONDER...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and dishwashing liquid
made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why
don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

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Bad children's book titles - Bad children's book titles

Funny Jokes -

\Bad children's book titles

Children's Books That Didn't Make It

1) You're Different -- And That's Bad
2) The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
3) Robert: Dad's New Wife
4) Fun Four-Letter Words to Know and Share
5) The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
6) Kathy Was So Bad That her Mom Stopped Loving Her
7) Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
8) All Cats Go to Hell
9) The Little Sissy That Snitched
10) Why Can't Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Outlet be Friends?
11) That's It, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption.
12) Grandpa Gets a Casket
13) 101 Things You Can Do at the Bottom of the Pool
14) The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15) Controlling the Playground: Respect Through Fear
16) The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17) Strangers Have the Best Candy
18) Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19) You Were an Accident
20) Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21) Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
22) Your Nightmares Are Real
23) Where Would You Like to be Buried?
24) You've Got Hepatitis B, Charlie Brown
25) Valuable Protein and Other Nutritional Benefits of Things from Your Nose
26) Playing Dentist with Grandma's teeth
27) Eating Your Ant Farm

Funny Jokes

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Funny Jokes - Efficiency

Funny Jokes - Efficiency

I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years.

She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time.

'Honey,' I suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at
once?'"

It did save time.

It used to take her 20 minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven.

Funny Jokes

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Funny Jokes - Perfectly Normal

Funny Jokes - Perfectly Normal

"Now, what are you planning to do about that excess weight you're carrying around?" the doctor asked.

"I just can't seem to lose the weight," I said."Must be an overactive thyroid."

"The tests show your thyroid is perfectly normal," the doctor said. "If anything is overactive, it's your fork."

Funny Jokes

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Funny Jokes - Golf Jokes

Funny Jokes - Golf Jokes

Eighteen holes of match play will teach you more about your foe than 18 years of dealing with him across a desk.
- Grantland Rice

If profanity had an influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is.
- Horace G. Hutchinson

Man blames fate for other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole in one.
- Unknown

It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
- Mark Twain

Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.
- Harry Vardon

Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at them.
- Jimmy DeMaret

May thy ball lie in green pastures - and not in still waters.
- Unknown

The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie.
- George Deukmejian

Golf appeals to the idiot and the child in us. Just how childlike golfers become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.
- John Updike

It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf.
- Robert Lynd

They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf is more complicated than that.
- Gardner Dickinson

If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork the way they do a golf club, they'd starve to death.
- Sam Snead

Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness.
- William Wordsworth

If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt.
- Dean Martin

If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don't have to waste energy going back to pick it up.
- Tommy Bolt

I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes - they'd come up sliced.
- Unknown

My handicap? Woods and irons.
- Chris Codiroli

The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flagstick on top.
- Pete Dye

I'm hitting the woods just great - but having a terrible time getting out of them!
- Unknown

The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.
- Billy Graham

If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
- Jack Lemmon

If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook. If I hit it straight, it's a miracle.
- Unknown

Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.
- Unknown

Funny Jokes

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Funny Jokes - How Much?

Funny Jokes - How Much?

Three people arrive at the pearly gates and St. Peter greets them.

"You may all enter the kingdom of heaven, but you must tell me
how much your salary was per year when you died."

He turned to the first man. "Your salary?"

"Three million," said the man.

"Really?" said St. Peter. "What did you do for a living?"

"I was CEO of an internet startup company before it tanked."

"Hmm...go on in," said St. Peter. "And your salary?" he said to the
next man.

"$120,000," replied the man.

"And what did you do?"

"I was an architect."

"Okay, go on in," said St. Peter. The second man went in and St. Peter
turned to the third man. "And your salary?"

"$9,000," said the third man.

"Really?" said St. Peter. "What instrument did you play?"

Funny Jokes

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7.25.2006

Funny Jokes - What Causes It?

Funny Jokes - What Causes It?

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next
to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered
with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out
of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and
asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

Thinking to use the opportunity to teach the man a lesson, the
priest replied, "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with
cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your
fellow man."

"Well I'll be damned." the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and
apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong.
How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father, but I was just reading here that the
Pope does."

Funny Jokes

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Artists From The '60's.....

Artists From The '60's.....

Some of the artists from the '60 's are revising their hits with new
lyrics to accommodate
us aging baby boomers. This is good news for " those feeling a little older
" and missing
those great old tunes


Herman's Hermits

"MRS. BROWN, YOU'VE GOT A LOVELY WALKER"



The Bee Gees

"HOW CAN YOU MEND A BROKEN HIP"



Bobby Darin

"SPLISH, SPLASH, I WAS HAVIN' A FLASH"



Ringo Starr

"I GET BY WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM DEPENDS"



Roberta Flack

"THE FIRST TIME EVER I FORGOT YOUR FACE"



Johnny Nash

"I CAN'T SEE CLEARLY NOW"



Paul Simon

"FIFTY WAYS TO LOSE YOUR LIVER"



Commodores

"ONCE, TWICE, THREE TIMES TO THE BATHROOM"



Marvin Gaye

"I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPE NUTS"



Procol Harem

"A WHITER SHADE OF HAIR"



Leo Sayer

"YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE NAPPING"



The Temptations

"PAPA'S GOT A KIDNEY STONE"



ABBA

"DENTURE QUEEN"

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Funny Jokes - Medical news

Funny Jokes - Medical news

The doctor took his patient into his office and said, "I have some good news and some bad news."

The patient said, "Give me the good news first."

The doctor said, "They're going to name a disease after you."

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7.24.2006

Funny Jokes - SNORING

Funny Jokes - SNORING

A study published in "Neurology" says people who snore
are more prone to getting headaches. No reason is
given. But could it be on account of their spouses
hitting them in the head all night long trying to get them to stop snoring?

Funny Jokes

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Funny Jokes - Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!!

Funny Jokes - Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!!

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch

standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of

airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all

traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate

frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to

test the strength of the windshields.



British engineers heard about the gun and were eager

to test it on the windshields of their new high speed

trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to

the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the

engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of

the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield,

smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control

console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and

embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an

arrow shot from a bow.



The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results

of the experiment, along with the designs of the

windshield and begged the US scientists for

suggestions.



You're going to love this...



NASA responded with a one-line memo............



"Defrost the chicken."


Funny Jokes
Funny Jokes

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Funny Quotes

Funny Quotes

"The distinction between past, present and future is only an illusion, even if a stubborn one."
- Albert Einstein

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7.23.2006

Funny Jokes - Blonde Jokes

Funny Jokes - Blonde Jokes - EXPOSURE

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right
breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, Ma'am, are you
aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?" She says, "Why,
officer?"
"Because your breast is hanging out." He says. She looks down and says,
"OH MY God, I left the baby on the bus again!"

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees
another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I
get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down
the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind
the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his
flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned
on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"



Funny Jokes
Funny Jokes
Funny Jokes

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Funny Jokes - Blonde Jokes - BLONDE ON THE SUN

Funny Jokes - Blonde Jokes - BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"


Funny Jokes

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Funny Jokes - Blonde Jokes - Final Exam

Funny Jokes - Blonde Jokes - Final Exam

The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of yes/no type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin, marking the answer sheet: Yes, for Heads, and No, for Tails.

Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out. During the last few minutes she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my answers."

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Funny Jokes - Blonde Jokes - Angry Blonde

Funny Jokes - Blonde Jokes - Angry Blonde

BLONDE JOKE

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is!"



My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."


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7.21.2006

Funny Jokes - Bad Jokes - Signs You've Bought A Bad Car

Funny Jokes - Bad Jokes - Signs You've Bought A Bad Car

Your tinted windows are also known as Hefty Garbage Bags.

The car reaches its optimum speed when going downhill.

The hi-tech stereo system often requires a new needle.

The rearview mirror says, "Objects in Mirror Are Better Than This Piece of Junk."

The odometer on the dashboard is not as sophisticated as the everyday abacus.

Traffic Watch warns other drivers what highway you're taking.

The sticker on the windshield says, "Batteries Not Included."

You fill up the tank with Unleaded Coal.

You can only go to restaurants that offer Valet Pushing.

When you approach hitchhikers, they put their thumbs down.

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7.20.2006

Funny Jokes - Kids in church

Funny Jokes - Kids in church

A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon."How do you know what to say?" he asked."Why, God tells me." "Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
---------------
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

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Funny Jokes - I LOVE MY JOB

I LOVE MY JOB
(NOT by Dr Seuss)
I love my job, I love the pay.
I love it more and more each day.
I love my boss; he is the best.
I love his boss and all the rest.

I love my office and its location.
I hate to have to go on vacation.
I love my furniture, drab and gray,
and the paper that piles up every day.

I love my chair in my padded cell.
There's nothing else I love so well.
I love to work among my peers.
I love their leers and jeers and sneers.

I love my computer and its software;
I hug it often though it don't care.
I love each program and every file,
I try to understand once in a while.

I'm happy to be here, I am, I am.
I'm the happiest slave of my Uncle Sam.
I love this work; I love these chores.
I love the meetings with deadly bores.

I love my job -- I'll say it again.
I even love these friendly men.
These men who've come to visit today.
In lovely white coats to take me away.

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7.19.2006

Funny Jokes - Dogs vs Cats

Funny Jokes - Dogs vs Cats

11. Dogs come when you call them. Cats take a message and get
back to you when they are good and ready.
10. Dogs look much better at the end of a leash.
9. Dogs will let you give them a bath without taking out a
contract on your life.
8. Dogs will bark to wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats
will quietly sneak out the back door.
7. Dogs will bring you your slippers or the evening newspaper.
Cats might bring you a dead mouse.
6. Dogs will play Frisbee with you all afternoon. Cats will take
a three-hour nap.
5. Dogs will sit on the car seat next to you. Cats have to have
their own private box or they will not go at all.
4. Dogs will greet you and lick your face when you come home from
work. Cats will be mad that you went to work at all.
3. Dogs will sit, lie down, and heel on command. Cats will smirk
and walk away.
2. Dogs will tilt their heads and listen whenever you talk. Cats
will yawn and close their eyes.
1. Dogs will give you unconditional love forever. Cats will make
you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you
were born.

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Funny Jokes - COUNTRY SONG TITLES

Funny Jokes - COUNTRY SONG TITLES

* "Don't Cut through the Wheat Field Granny,
You're Going Against the Grain."
* "If you can't get an upper berth in Hawaii,
You can always get Aloha."
* "If you were the Only Girl in the World,
You would probably be my Sister."
* "It's better to have loved a short girl,
Than never to have loved a tall."
* "Every time we throw a Party,
She beats me to the Punch."

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7.18.2006

Funny Jokes - Real Teachers

Funny Jokes - Real Teachers

Real teachers buy Excedrin and Advil in bulk at Sam's or Wal-Mart.

Real teachers will eat anything left in the teacher's lounge.

Real teachers grade papers in the car, during commercials, in faculty meetings, in the bathroom, and at the end of nine weeks have even been seen grading in church.

Real teachers know that sixth graders get hormones from Santa at Christmas.

Real teachers cheer when they hear that April 1st does not fall on a school day.

Real teachers can't walk past a crowd of kids without straightening up the line.

Real teachers never sit down without first checking the seat of the chair.

Real teachers have disjointed necks from writing on boards without turning around.

Real teachers are written up in medical journals for the size and elasticity of their bladders.

Real teachers wear glasses from trying to read the fine print in the teacher's manuals.

Real teachers have been timed gulping down lunch in 2 minutes 18 seconds.

Master teachers can eat faster than that.

Real teachers can predict exactly which parents show up at open house.

Real teachers understand the importance of making sure every kid gets a Valentine.

Real teachers never teach the conjugations of "lie" and "lay" to eighth graders.

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Why My Dog Doesn't Use My Computer

Why My Dog Doesn't Use My Computer

1. T0o0p hqa5rxd 6tt0[o 6ty[p3e 2w9igtjh ;pa3wds
( Too hard to type with paws)

2. "Sit" and "stay" were hard enough; "delete" and "save"
are out of the question.

3. Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work.

4. Carpal Paw Syndrome.

5. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway he's browsing
(www.purina.com)

6. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.

7. Can't help attacking the screen when he hears,
"you've got mail".

8. Too messy to mark every Web site he visits.

9. Fetch command not available on all platforms.

10. Can't stick his head out of Windows 2000.

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7.17.2006

NOAH'S ARK:

Funny Jokes -


NOAH'S ARK:


Noah's Ark Everything I need to know, I learned from Noah's Ark...
ONE: Don't miss the boat.
TWO: Remember that we are all in the same boat.
THREE: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
FOUR: Stay fit. When you're 60 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
FIVE: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
SIX: Build your future on high ground.
SEVEN: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
EIGHT: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
NINE: When you're stressed, float awhile.
TEN: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.
ELEVEN: No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting.

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Funny Jokes - Stupid q's with smart answers.

Funny Jokes
Funny Jokes - Stupid q's with smart answers.

BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.

GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??

GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple

GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??

BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??

BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??


SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.

MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick .

WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think, Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.

Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and no one else ?"
Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".

Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
Pupil : "The moon".
Teacher : "Why?"
Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it".

Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"
Pupil : "A teacher".

My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.

Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot!"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman".

Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?"
David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated" .

Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".

Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died".

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7.16.2006

Funny Jokes - God

Funny Jokes - God

"Dilemma Solved"

God is talking to one of his angels.

He says, "Boy, I just created a 24-hour
period of alternating light and darkness
on Earth."

The angel says, "What are you going
to do now?"

God says, "Call it a day."

Funny Jokes - God Jokes

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Funny Jokes - PMS

Funny Jokes - PMS

--
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. Pimples May Surface
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. People Make me Sick
8. Pardon My Sobbing
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
13. Potential Murder Suspect

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Irish Jokes - Funny Jokes - The Errand

Irish Jokes - Funny Jokes - The Errand

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. "S' cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?"

"Nothin", said the Irishman, "me wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"

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Funny Jokes - The Worst Country Song Lyrics...

The Worst Country Song Lyrics...

1. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure.

2. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

3. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling.

4. I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don't Run So I Figure We Got An Even Deal.

5. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You.

6. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well.

7. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win.

8. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here

9. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin' On My Back and Cryin' Over You

10. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now.

11. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head).

12. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You.

13. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him.

14. Please Bypass This Heart.

15. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly.

16. If the Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.


Communist Quotes

Blog of the Day Awards

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7.15.2006

Funny Jokes - Quotes Taken from actual performance evaluations:

Funny Jokes - Quotes Taken from actual performance evaluations:

"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and now shows signs of starting to dig."

"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."

"I would not allow this employee to breed."

"This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

"When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."

"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

"This employee should go far -- and the sooner he gets kicked out the exit, the better."

Joke of the Day
Funny Jokes



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7.14.2006

Funny Jokes - Blonde gets bank loan

Funny Jokes - Blonde gets bank loan

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the
loan officer.

She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and
needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of
security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to
a new Mercedes Benz SL 500. The car is parked on the street
in front of the bank. She has the title, and everything
checks out.

The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh
at the blonde for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral
against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into
the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns. She repays the $5,000
and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had
your business, and this transaction has worked out very
nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we
checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park
my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be
there when I return?"

Finally, a smart blonde joke!

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Funny Jokes - Close shave

Funny Jokes - Close shave

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

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7.13.2006

Funny Jokes - Florida Drug Problem

Funny Jokes - Florida Drug Problem



The State of Florida had a problem.

The drug busts over the years had filled their storage areas with Marijuana.

It was decided the only option was to burn all of the Marijuana on hand.

The eventful day a huge mound of Marijuana was torched.

The fire raged and the smoke of the weed raised in a large cloud.

At this time a flock of Terns flew through this cloud.

A group of forest rangers were sent out to assure the well-being of the Terns.

They followed this flock until they finally landed.

The rangers sneaking upon the terns were able to observe and issue a report that read:



Not a Tern was left unstoned.

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Funny Jokes - Theme Songs for Bible Characters....

Funny Jokes - Theme Songs for Bible Characters....
Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"
Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"
Lazarus: "The Second Time Around"
Esther: "I Feel Pretty"
Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"
Moses: "The Wanderer"
Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"
Samson: "Hair"
Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"
Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"
Joshua: "Good Vibrations"
Peter: "I'm Sorry"
Esau: "Born To Be Wild"
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!"
The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star"
Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale"
Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away"
Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive"
Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"

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Funny Jokes and Arizona Humor - Morris had died.

Morris had died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out Morris' Last Will and Testament.
"To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 150 acres of land, and 2 million dollars.

To my son Barry, I leave my Big Lexus and the new Jaguar and $250,000..
To my daughter Shirley, I leave my yacht and $250,000.

And to my brother-in-law Aaron, who always insisted that health is better than wealth,

I leave my treadmill."
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A little lemon and seltzer will remove those pesky ink stains after you've been fingerprinted. - Martha Stewart

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7.11.2006

Funny Jokes - Waitress

Funny Jokes - Waitress

A new, inexperienced waitress said she was concerned about being able to carry the heavy trays and serve from them. A co-worker explained that there were tray stands placed throughout the restaurant.

The nervous beginner served all her lunches successfully and afterward asked a table of two if everything had been all right.

"It was fine, honey," replied one man, "but my friend and I have to leave now. Could he please have his walker back?"

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Funny Jokes - Are You A Republican?

Funny Jokes - Are You A Republican?

You Might Be A Republican If...

- You've ever tried to prove that Jesus was a capitalist and opposed to
welfare.
- You're a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.
- You think "proletariat" is a type of cheese.
- You've named your kids "Deduction One" and "Deduction Two".
- You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were just
allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.
- You've ever referred to someone as "my (insert racial or ethnic minority
here) friend".
- You think Huey Newton is a cookie.
- The only union you support is the Baseball Players, because heck, they're
richer than you.
- You think you might remember laughing once as a kid.
- You once broke loose at a party and removed your neck tie.
- You call mall rent-a-cops "jack-booted thugs".
- You've ever referred to the moral fiber of something.
- You've ever uttered the phrase,"Why don't we just bomb the
sons-of-bitches?"
- You've ever said, "I can't wait to get into business school."
- You've ever called a secretary or waitress "Tootsie".
- You answer to "The Man".
- You don't think "The Simpsons" is all that funny, but you watch it because
that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.
- You fax the FBI a list of "Commies in my Neighborhood."
- You've argued that art has a "moral foundation set in Western values."
- When people say "Marx," you think "Groucho."
- You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.
- You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks your
home.
- Vietnam made a lot of sense to you.
- You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of racism in
America.
- You've ever said "Civil liberties, schmivil schmiberties."
- You've ever said "Clean air? Looks clean to me."
- You've ever called education a luxury.
- You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.
- You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductible.
- You came of age in the '60s and don't remember Bob Dylan.
- You own a vehicle with an "Ollie North: American Hero" sticker.
- You're afraid of the "liberal media."
- You ever based an argument on the phrase, "Well, tradition dictates...."
- You ever told a child that "Oscar the Grouch lives in a trash can because
he is lazy and doesn't want to contribute to society."
- You've ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, when
they don't even have shoes.
- You confuse Lenin with Lennon.
- You've ever yelled, "Hey hippie, get a haircut!"

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Funny Jokes - Cyanide

Funny Jokes - Cyanide

A woman walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.

The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"


The woman then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacists eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy", I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, and they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"

Then the woman reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacists wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, hell, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."

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7.10.2006

Funny Jokes - Updated Home economics

Funny Jokes - Updated Home economics

The following is from an actual 1950's Home Economics textbook
intended for High School girls, teaching them how to prepare for married life
(2000's update follows).

1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to
have a delicious meal - on time. This is a way of letting him know that you
have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men
are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part
of the warm welcome needed.

2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be
refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair
and be fresh- looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.
Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a
lift.

3. Clear away clutter. Make one last trip through the main part
of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books,
toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will
feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift
too.

4. Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the
children's hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.

5. Minimise the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all
noise of washer, dryer, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be
quiet. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.

6. Some DONT'S: Don't greet him with problems or complaints.
Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with
what he might have gone through that day.

7. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable
chair or suggest he lay down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a
low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.

8. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but
the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.

9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you
out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to understand
his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax.

10. The Goal: try to make your home a place of peace and order
where your husband can relax.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Now the updated version for the 2000's woman

1. Have dinner ready. Make reservations ahead of time. If your
day becomes too hectic just leave him a voice mail message regarding
where you'd like to eat and at what time. This lets him know that your day has been crappy and gives him an opportunity to change your mood.

2. Prepare yourself. A quick stop at the "LANCOME" counter on
your way home will do wonders for your outlook and will keep you from becoming irritated every time he opens his mouth. (Don't forget to use his
credit card!)

3. Clear away the clutter. Call the housekeeper and tell her
that any miscellaneous items left on the floor by the children can be placed
in the Goodwill box in the garage.

4. Prepare the children. Send the children to their rooms to
watch television or play Nintendo. After all, both of them are from his
previous marriages.

5. Minimise the noise: If you happen to be home when he
arrives, be in the bathroom with the door locked.

6. Some DONT'S: Don't greet him with problems and complaints.
Let him speak first, and then your complaints will get more attention and
remain fresh in his mind throughout dinner. Don't complain if he's late for
dinner, simply remind him that the leftovers are in the fridge and
you left the dishes for him to do.

7. Make him comfortable: Tell him where he can find a blanket
if he's cold. This will really show you care.

8. Listen to him: But don't ever let him get the last word.

9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you
out to dinner or other places of entertainment; go with a friend or go
shopping (use his credit card). Familiarize him with the phrase "Girls' Night
Out!"

10. The Goal: Try to keep things amicable without reminding him
that he only thinks the world revolves around him. Obviously he's wrong, it revolves around you.

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Funny Jokes - Country Lane

Funny Jokes - Country Lane



A husband and wife were driving down a
country lane on their way to visit some friends.
They came to a muddy patch in the road and
the car became bogged. After a few minutes
of trying to get the car out by themselves, they
saw a young farmer coming down the lane,
driving some oxen before him.

He stopped when he saw the couple in trouble
and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50.
The husband accepted and minutes later the
car was free.

The farmer turned to the husband and said,
"You know, you're the tenth car I've helped
out of the mud today."

The husband looks around at the fields
incredulously and asks the farmer,"When
do you have time to plough your land? At
night?"

"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night
is when I put the water in the hole."

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Dear Diary

Dear Diary...

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, but this week, I got a call from the contractor who installed them.

He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them. Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told ME last year ... namely, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

Helllooooo? It's been a year! (I told him.)

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I
finally just hung up.... He didn't call back. Guess I won that stupid argument

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Funny Quotes - A First Class Blonde

Funny Quotes - A First Class Blonde

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section. The stewardess tells her she must move to economy because she doesn't have a first class ticket.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

The stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the woman to leave and she says, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

The stewardesses don't know what to do because they have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off, so they get the co-pilot.

The co-pilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the economy section.

The head stewardess asks the co-pilot what he said to get her to move.

The co-pilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."

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Funny Jokes - Brain Teasers

Funny Jokes - Brain Teasers

1. There is one word in the English language that is always
pronounced incorrectly. What is it?

2. A man gave one son 10 cents and another son was given 15 cents.
What time is it?

3. A boat has a ladder that has six rungs, each rung is one foot
apart. The bottom rung is one foot from the water. The tide rises at
12 inches every 15 minutes. High tide peaks in one hour. When the
tide is at it's highest, how many rungs are under water?

4. There is a house with four walls. Each wall faces south. There is
a window in each wall. A bear walks by one of the windows. What
color is the bear?

5. Is half of two plus two equal to two or three?

6. There is a room. The shutters are blowing in. There is broken
glass on the floor. There is water on the floor. You find Sloppy
dead on the floor. Who is Sloppy? How did Sloppy die?

7. How much dirt would be in a hole 6 feet deep and 6 feet wide that
has been dug with a square edged shovel?

8. If I were in Hawaii and dropped a bowling ball in a bucket of
water which is 45 degrees F, and dropped another ball of the same
weight, mass, and size in a bucket at 30 degrees F, both of them at
the same time, which ball would hit the bottom of the bucket first?
Same question, but the location is in Canada?

9. What is the significance of the following: The year is 1978,
thirty-four minutes past noon on May 6th.

10. What can go up a chimney down, but can't go down a chimney up?
(hint... chim chimminy)

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the
other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them
all in the center field?

12. What is it that goes up and goes down but does not move?

~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Answers To Brain Teasers"

1. The word "incorrectly." {Almost cracked your brain, didn't you?}

2. 1:45. The man gave away a total of 25 cents. He divided it
between two people. Therefore, he gave a quarter to two.

3. None, the boat rises with the tide. Duh.

4. White. If all the walls face south, the house is at the North
pole, and the bear, therefore, is a polar bear.

5. Three. Well, it seems that it could almost be either, but if you
follow the mathematical orders of operation, division is performed
before addition. So... half of two is one. Then add two, and the
answer is three.

6. Sloppy is a (gold)fish. The wind blew the shutters in, which
knocked his goldfish-bowl off the table, and it broke, killing him.
{Poor Sloppy.}

7. None. No matter how big a hole is, it's still a hole: the absence
of dirt. (And those of you who said 36 cubic feet are wrong for
another reason, too. You would have needed the length measurement
too. So you don't even know how much air is in the hole.)

8. Both questions, same answer: the ball in the bucket of 45 degree
F water hits the bottom of the bucket last. Did you think that the
water in the 30 degree F bucket is frozen? Think again. The question
said nothing about that bucket having anything in it. Therefore,
there is no water (or ice) to slow the ball down...

9. The time and month/date/year American style calendar are
12:34, 5/6/78.

10. An umbrella.

11. One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one
big stack.

12. The temperature.

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Funny Jokes - Definition of Outdoor Barbecuing

Funny Jokes - Definition of Outdoor Barbecuing
---------------------------------

It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion.

(1) The woman goes to the store.
(2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill.
(4) The man places the meat on the grill.
(5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
(7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
(8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
(10) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

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7.05.2006

Funny Jokes - Sunday Sermon

Funny Jokes - Sunday Sermon

Sunday after church a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."

Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.

He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming".

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Funny Jokes - No Parking

Funny Jokes - No Parking

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment.

FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES."

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note. "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job.

LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION."

Famous Quotes


Quotes

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Funny Jokes - I'm not unemployed, I'm a Consultant

Funny Jokes - I'm not unemployed, I'm a Consultant

By way of Gautam Ghosh's Blog we get a Funny T-shirt SLOGAN "I'm not unemployed, I'm a Consultant" as well as a link to Scott Adams' take on "The Perfect Job."

The Perfect Job
The Dilbert Blog: The Perfect Job

According to the news, former FEMA head Michael Brown is starting a disaster preparedness consulting firm. Readers of Dilbert could have predicted this. If you’re infamous for being slow to act, your best bet is a job that bills by the hour. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that he used to be a lawyer.

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Funny Jokes - Proper Punctuation Matters!

Proper Punctuation Matters!

A woman is feeling poorly and sends a telegram to her husband on a business trip to come home as soon as possible,
"NOT GETTING ANY BETTER. COME HOME."

Imagine the husband's surprise when he received,
"NOT GETTING ANY. BETTER COME HOME."


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Joke of the Day

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What.... Is It Cleveland???

What.... Is It Cleveland???

The U.S. Postal Service issued a stamp honoring the one hundredth
anniversary of the first flight by the Wright Brothers.

The first man in powered flight was from Ohio.

The first man ever to orbit Earth was from Ohio.

And the first man on the moon was from Ohio.

It sounds like a lot of people are trying to get out of Ohio.

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7.04.2006

Funny Jokes - Wake up, Teach.!

Funny Jokes - Wake up, Teach.!

An English teacher often wrote little notes on student essays.

Often she worked late, and as the hours passed, her handwriting deteriorated.

One day a student came to her after class with an essay that had been returned.

"I can't make out this comment you wrote on my paper."

The teacher took the paper and, after studying it, sheepishly replied, "It says that you should write more legibly!"

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Happy Wife

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only
friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every
morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make
her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was
making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly
natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would
blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving
morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound
asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck,
gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and,
gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his
underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later, she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was
followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran
into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears
in her eyes!

After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About
twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants
with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were
right." All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and
today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two
fingers, I think I got most of them back in."

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Funny Jokes - Doctors & Lawyers

Funny Jokes - Doctors & Lawyers

A lawyer and a doctor are at a party. A woman approaches the
doctor and asks him how she should treat a particular ailment. The doctor offers
an opinion.
After the woman walks away, the doctor asks the lawyer, "Do you think
I should send her a bill?"

"Of course." says the lawyer. "She asked for your advice and no doubt will act
on it."

On Monday morning the doctor arrives at his office and issues the
woman a $50.00 bill.

That afternoon he receives a $100.00 bill from the lawyer.

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7.03.2006

Funny Jokes - All banged up....

Funny Jokes - All banged up....

"What happened to you?" asked a hospital visitor to the heavily
bandaged man sitting up in bed.

"Well, I went to the Amusement Park over the weekend and decided to
take a ride on the roller coaster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it but it was very small and I couldn't make it out. I was so curious that I decided to
go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see what
the sign said.
"By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third
time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better
view."

"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the
visitor.

"Yes."

"What did it say?"

"Don't stand up in the car!"

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Funny Jokes - Bubba Dead

Funny Jokes - Bubba Dead

Hubert called the obituary section of a local newspaper.

He inquired, "Tell me, how much would it cost to have an obitualry printed?"

The ad clerk politely told him, "It would be $5 a word, sir!"

"That's fine," said Hubert, after a moment of adding.

"Then write, 'Bubba died.'" he dictated to the clerk.

"Oh, that's all?" asked the clerk, anticipating a big write-up.

"Yes, that's it. And charge the $10 to my credit card, please."

"Hold it Sir, I am sorry, but I should have informed you that the ad must be a minimum of five words."

Hubert got annoyed at the failure of his calculations. He blasted the clerk, "Yes, you should have told me that right away!!"

After a moment of updating his cost versus benefit, he loudlly dictated again, "OK, write, "Bubba dead, truck for sale."

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Funny Jokes - Real Ads

Funny Jokes - Real Ads

~Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals and smacks included.

~Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

~Stock up and save. Limit: one.

~Semi-annual After-Christmas sale.

~3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

~Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

~For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

~Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home.

~We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

~Great dames for sale.

~Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

~Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

~Vacation special: have your home exterminated.

~Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.







Fourth of July Quotes
Fourth of July Quotes
Fourth of July Quotes

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Funny Jokes - Sex Education

Funny Jokes - Sex Education

A unit in sex education was about to begin, and each student had to bring in a
permission slip in order to take it. A boy handed in his slip and explained to
the teacher, "My mom says I can take the course as long as there's no homework."

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Humor and Funny Jokes - Letter from the Tooth Fairy

Humor and Funny Jokes - Letter from the Tooth Fairy

Dear _________________ :

Thank you for leaving one [1] tooth under your pillow last night.

While we make every attempt to leave a monetary reward in the case
of lost or stolen children's teeth, we were unable to process your
request for the following reason(s) indicated below:

( ) the tooth could not be found

( ) it was not a human tooth

( ) we do not think that pieces of chicken bone are very funny

( ) we were unable to approach the tooth due to excessive odor

( ) the tooth has previously been redeemed for cash

( ) the tooth did not originally belong to you

( ) the tooth fairy does not process fingernails

( ) your request has been forwarded to the Nerve Ending Fairy for
appropriate action

( ) you were overheard to state that you do not believe in the tooth
fairy

( ) you are age 12 or older at the time your request was received

( ) the tooth is still in your mouth

( ) the tooth was guarded by a vicious fairy-eating dog at the time
of our visit

( ) no night light was on at the time of our visit

( ) the snacks provided for the tooth fairy were not satisfactory,
or were missing

( ) we discovered evidence of unsafe tooth extraction as follows:
[ ] string
[ ] pliers
[ ] gunpowder
[ ] hammer marks
[ ] chisel
[ ] part of skull attached to tooth
[ ] no dental care
( ) other:

Thank you for your request, and we look forward to serving you in
the future.

Sincerely, The Tooth Fairy






Funny Jokes
Funny Jokes
Funny Jokes

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Funny Jokes - Humor and Funny Jokes - Kids' Deep Thoughts

Funny Jokes - Humor and Funny Jokes - Kids' Deep Thoughts

-- Apparently from an actual newspaper contest where entrants age 4 to 15 were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey." --

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is
why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to
wash clothes on the last day of their life? -- Age 15

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept
the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. -- Age 13

Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting
just any old yokel vote. -- Age 10

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese.
Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock.
That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out. -- Age 6

Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if
you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest
number you could come up with! --Age 6

As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a
few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple
of days saved up. -- Age 7

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher.
That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. -- Age 15

It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an
accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it,
the blood would be right there. -- Age 5

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize
world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be
until the looting started. -- Age 15


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Funny Jokes - Fourth of July Jokes - Quick! Hide the Fireworks!

Funny Jokes - Fourth of July Jokes - Quick! Hide the Fireworks!

One year, Johnny's family was having an "extended family" 4th of July cookout at their home. One of the special treats that year was lighting the fireworks (Roman candles, bottle rockets, missile batteries, etc.) they had bought out of state (they're illegal in their state, of course!).

Just before they were to arrive, a cousin called, saying his neighbors' plans had just fallen through and asking if he bring them along to the picnic -- they even had extra food to bring. "Sure, the more the merrier!"

When the cousin arrived with his neighbors, it was discovered that the head of that family was a police officer.

Johnny's father turned as innocently as he could to his son and whispered to him to grab the paper bag of fireworks sitting in the kitchen and hide them somewhere quickly. Johnny disappeared, and the father changed the topic to food for the day. This family had brought some chicken to grill, so the father told them the gas grill was all set to use out back -- they just had to turn on the gas and push the ignition button with the lid still closed.

They headed out to the back as Johnny returned through the front door. The father hurried to him and said, "Whew, that was close! That man's a police officer, and he almost saw the fireworks. Did you hide them real well?"

"Oh, yeah, nobody will ever think to look in the grill!"

Fourth of July Quotes

Fourth of July Quotes

Fourth of July Quotes

Fourth of July Quotes


Fourth of July Jokes

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7.01.2006

Funny Jokes - DYING MAN

Funny Jokes - DYING MAN

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He
lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.
"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman
checks the crowd----no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.
"A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again.

Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age.

"Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."

The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice:

"B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72. . ."




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Funny Jokes - Humor and Funny Jokes - Emotional Extremes

Funny Jokes - Humor and Funny Jokes - Emotional Extremes

The aspiring psychiatrists from various colleges were attending their first class on emotional extremes.

"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, to the student from the University of Houston, "What is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the UH student.

"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from the University of Texas.

"Elation," said she.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas A&M, "how about the opposite of woe?

"The Aggie replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."



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