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8.31.2006

Idiots of 2005

Idiots of 2005

Number One Idiot of 2005

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the
poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she
caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the
ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter
into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation
happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in
order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter
into the emergency room right away.

Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Number Two Idiot of 2005

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a
life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of
the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river,
they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out
that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that
activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at
Boeing.

Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Number Three Idiot of 2005

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch
and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While
standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to
worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police
before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and
crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank.

After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells
Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he
wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not
accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America
deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo
deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated,
the man said, "OK" and left.

He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at
Bank of America.

Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Number Four Idiot of 2005

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that
measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later
received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of
payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days
later, he received a letter from the police that contained another
picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.
Smartass... but you still get a sign.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Number Five Idiot of 2005

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all
of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a
bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter
on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the
cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The
robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because
she didn't believe him.

At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and
gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man
was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then
ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police
and gave the name and address of t he robber that he got off the license.

They arrested the robber two hours later.

This guy definitely needs a sign.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Idiot Number Six of 2005

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving
revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved,
the startled first bandit shot him.

This guy doesn't even deserve a sign.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Seven of 2005

Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that
he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some
booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head
at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It
seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event
was caught on videotape.

Yep, Here's your sign...

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8.30.2006

Jewish Haiku

Jewish Haiku

After the warm rain

the sweet smell of camellias.

Did you wipe your feet?

*****

Her lips near my ear,

Aunt Sadie whispers the name

of her friend's disease.

*****

Today I am a man.

Tomorrow I will return

to the seventh grade.

*****

Testing the warm milk

on her wrist, she sighs softly.

But her son is 25.

*****

The sparkling blue sea

reminds me to wait an hour

after my sandwich.

*****

Lacking fins or tail

the gefilte fish swims with

great difficulty.

*****

Like a bonsai tree,

your terrible posture

at my dinner table.

*****

Beyond Valium,

the peace of knowing one's child

is an internist.

*****

Jews on safari-

map, compass, elephant gun,

hard sucking candies.

*****

The same kimono

the top geishas are wearing:

I got it at Loehmann's.

*****

The shivah visit:

so sorry about your loss.

Now back to my problems.

*****

Mom, please! There is no

need to put that dinner roll

in your pocketbook.

*****

Seven-foot Jews in

the NBA slam-dunking!

My alarm clock rings.

*****

Sorry I'm not home

to take your call. At the tone

please state your bad news.

*****

Is one Nobel Prize

so much to ask from a child

after all I've done?

*****

Today, mild shvitzing.

Tomorrow, so hot you'll plotz.

Five-day forecast: feh

*****

Passover

Left the door open

for the Prophet Elijah.

Now our cat is gone.

*****

Yenta. Shmeer. Gevalt.

Shlemiel. Shlimazl. Meshuganah

Oy! To be fluent!

*****

Quietly murmured

at Saturday services,

Yanks 5, Red Sox 3.

*****

A lovely nose ring,

excuse me while I put my

head in the oven.

****

Hard to tell under the lights.

White Yarmulke or

male-pattern baldness.

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First? Last....

.

67 years ago this week, the first Social Security checks went out.
The last ones will hit the post office the day before I become eligible.

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8.29.2006

Telemarketers

Funny Jokes - Telemarketers

Do you get lots of annoying calls from telemarketers?

Don't get upset about it! Use the opportunity to get a laugh!

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?"
Alternately, you can tell them, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..." When they try to get to the sell, just keep talking about your problems.

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. If they are selling a lawn service to make your grass grow better, tell them it grows to fast now and green is not your favorite color anyway.

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out GOAT blood? How about HUMAN blood?

9. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. Tell the telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can't sell to employees.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream "Oh No!" and then hang up.

12. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

13. Tell them it is dinnertime, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speakerphone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

14. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some food.

15. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

16. Ask the telemarketer if they use the product they are trying to sell. If they do, ask for a complete report. If they don't, ask them why not, since it is such a great product.

17. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

18. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up ...louder......louder...louder

19. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.

20. Tell them that you are busy and ask for their phone number so you can call them back. If they say that they don't give out their phone number or they don't take calls, then ask for the caller's personal phone number at home. If then they say that they don't like being called at home, quickly say "Bingo!" and hang up.

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Funny Jokes - Blonde Jokes - OH NO!

Funny Jokes - Blonde Jokes - OH NO!

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about all his employees' well being, asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?"

To which the blonde replies: "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, says to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day...we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."

The blonde very calmly states, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know."

Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees her hysterically crying!! He rushes out to her, asking,

"What's the problem...are you gonna be ok??"

"No...." exclaims the blonde. "I just got a call from my sister.

She told me that HER mom died too!!"

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Funny Jokes - Duck food?

Funny Jokes - Duck food?

One day a convenience store worker was
sitting not doing much. At 2 o'clock the
doors swing open and a duck walks in.

"Do you have any duck food?" the duck asks.

"No we don't got any duck food."

"Okay, thanks anyway", says the duck, and
walks out.

The next day at 2 o'clock the doors swing
open again, and the same duck walks in.

"Got any duck food?" he asks.

The clerk is a little annoyed, "No! We don't
have any duck food!"

"Fine." the duck says and walks out.

The third day at 2 o'clock the doors swing
open and the duck walks in and asks, "Got
any duck food?"

By now the clerk so getting very annoyed: "No"
he yells, "We don't have any duck food! We
didn't have any yesterday won't don't have any
today and we wont have any tomorrow! And if
you come in here again and ask if we have and
duck food, I'll nail your little web feet to the floor!!!!"

All the duck does is turn and walk out the door.

On the forth day at 2 o'clock the doors swing
open and the duck walks in:

"Got any nails?" the duck asks.

"No, we don't got nails."

"Well then," the duck says, "Got any duck food?"


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8.28.2006

What is Intelligence?



Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him."

So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," the boss said. "What do you mean, Intelligence’?"

The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!"

The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence." "What's intelligence?" said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."

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8.27.2006

Don't Step On The Ducks!



Three women die together in an accident and go
to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says,
"We only have one rule here in heaven ... don't
step on the ducks." So they enter heaven, and
sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and
although they try their best to avoid them, the first
woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes
St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St.
Peter chains them together and says, "Your
punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend
eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps
on a duck, and along come St. Peter, who doesn't
miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly
man. He chains them together with the same
punishment as the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not
wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man,
is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages
to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one
day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome
man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, tan, muscular,
and with good hair. St. Peter chains them together
without saying a word.

The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve
being chained to you for all of eternity?" And the guy says,
"Well, I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck."


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8.25.2006

Worms

Worms

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.

"Now, class, observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.


The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.


"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked. Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."

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When I was traveling

When I was traveling

When I was traveling in Florida, I saw this woman attempting to fuel her car.
She had a whole car load of screaming kids. She kept saying, please calm down I
will take you home in a minute for supper. She was obviously very flustered.
Halfway through fueling, her purse slipped from her shoulder and landed on the
ground and everything fell out. After putting everything back in her purse she
resumed fueling her car. In the process she spilled some gas on her sleeve. She
then got in the car and started it up. As she started to pull away from the
pumps, she lit a cigarette with the same hand that she spilled gas on. I waved
at her, yelled at her, and beat her hood to try to get her to stop. I guess she
thought I better get away from this crazy person. I started up and tried to
catch up. A little ways down the road her arm caught on fire.She was waving her
arm out the window to put the fire out. I was trying to catch her to get her
pulled over so I could help. Before I had a
chance to stop her, a police officer pulled her over. He then started to write
her a ticket. I went up to the officer, I asked him why he was writing her a
ticket. I told him it was ridiculous. He told me it is very simple sir. In
Florida it is against the law to wave a firearm out the window of a moving
vehicle.

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8.23.2006

What the teacher says and (what the teacher means)



What the teacher says and (what the teacher really means).
1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information
from his classmates.
( He was caught cheating on a test).

2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and viability.
(The hyperactive monster can't stay seated for five minutes ).

3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with
fiction.
(He's definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met).

4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating
that high expectations don't intimidate her.
(The lazy thing hasn't done one assignment all term).

5. Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination.
(The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away).

6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers.
(Your son needs to stop socializing and start working).

7. Your daughter's greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions.
(Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment, she
creates a class argument).

8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers.
(He's a bully).

9. An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to
explore new territory.
(Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond).

10. I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality.
(She's so immature that we've run out of diapers).

11. Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very
expressive and open.
(He must have written the Whiner's Guide).

12. I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress
would be enhanced through a year's repetition of her learning environment.
(Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and
must repeat the 8th grade).



13. Her exuberant verbosity is awesome!
(A mouth that never stops yacking ).



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8.19.2006

THE SAHARA

THE SAHARA

A large, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks' door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to leave. "Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the skinny man.

"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the lumberjack. "Take your axe and go cut it down."

The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack's door. "I cut the tree down," said the man.

The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said, "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?"

"In the Sahara Forest," replied the puny man.

"You mean the Sahara Desert," said the lumberjack.

The little man laughed and answered back... "Oh sure, that's what they call it now!"


Jokes
Chicken Recipes
Quotes

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In the coffee shop

In the coffee shop

A guy comes into a coffee shop and places his order, he says "I want three flat
tires and a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards." The waitress, not
wanting to appear stupid, goes to the kitchen and asks the cook, "This guy out
there just ordered three flat tires and a pair of headlights and pair of running
boards. What does he think, this is an auto parts store?" "No" the cook says,
"three flat tires means three pancakes and a pair of headlights is two eggs
sunny side up and running boards is 2 slices crisp bacon." "Oh," says the
waitress. She thinks about this for a while, and then she spoons up a bowl of
beans and gives it to the customer. The guy says, "What are the beans for?"
The waitress replies, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires,
headlights and running boards, you might want to gas up."



Jokes
Diabetic Recipes
Quotations

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Funny Jokes - Funny Definitions

Funny Jokes - Funny Definitions


Doctor:
A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you
with his bills.

Cigarette:
A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one
end a fool on the other.

Compromise:
The art of dividing a cake in such a way that
everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Dictionary:
A place where success comes before work.

Conference Room:
A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and
everybody disagrees later on.

Classic:
A book which people praise, but do not read.

Smile:
A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office:
A place where you can relax after your strenuous home
life.

Yawn:
The only time some married men ever get to open their
mouth.

Etc. :
A sign to make others believe that you know more than
you actually do.

Committee:
Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to
decide that nothing can be done together.

Lecture:
An art of transferring information from the notes of
the Lecturer to the notes of the students without
passing through "the minds of either"

Conference:
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number
present.

Experience:
The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb:
An invention to end all inventions.

Diplomat:
A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way
that you actually look forward to the trip.

Opportunist:
A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally
falls into a river.

Optimist:
A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in
midway "See I am not injured yet."

Divorce:
Future tense of marriage.

Miser:
A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Father:
A banker provided by nature.

Criminal:
A guy no different from the rest....except that he got
caught.

Boss:
Someone who is early when you are late and late when
you are early.

Politician:
One who shakes your hand before elections and your
confidence after.

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Camping in Yellowstone

Camping in Yellowstone


A group of Czechoslovakian tourists were camping in Yellowstone
National Park. While the others set up tents, a few went to gather
firewood. There were plenty of fallen branches, and they soon found
their arms full. As they were heading back to the campsite, a large
bear jumped out at them. It swallowed one of the men whole and ran
off.

Distraught, his friends found a park ranger and told him what
happened. The ranger agreed to help find their friend. After a short search,
they found two bears sleeping close to the campsite. The ranger asked the
men which one attacked their friend. Unfortunately, they didn't know.

The ranger studied the bears. After a moment, he pointed at the male bear. "That's the one that ate your friend." Then, he pulled out a knife and cut the bear open. Of course, the missing tourist wasn't
inside.

The moral of the story: Don't believe anyone who says the Czech is in the male!

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8.18.2006

Helicopter Crash

Helicopter Crash

The helicopter lost power while flying over a remote Scottish island and was forced to make an emergency landing.

Luckily, the pilot saw a small cottage nearby. He walked to it and knocked on the door.

"Is there a mechanic in the area?" he asked the woman who answered the door.

She scratched her head and thought for a few seconds.

"Nae," she finally said, pointing down the road, "but we dae hae a MacArdle and a MacKay."


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older Chinese gentleman

There was an older Chinese gentleman who was getting worried
that he wasn't receiving any mail from his family back in China, He
knew they wrote to him regularly, at least once a week, but for
over a month now, he hadn't received a single message.

The problem was finally discovered when he went to the local
post office to find out if they were having a problem there...

Turns out, they'd been delivering his mail to the Wong address.

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Audi Alteram Parten....

Audi Alteram Parten.....

During a Law course class, the 'Audi Alteram Parten' rule was
explained. Translated it means "To hear the other party"

After discussing the subject at great length, the lecturer asked
if anyone didn't understand the rule.

Responded one woman, "My husband!"

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CLOTHING MAKE THE CHICKEN

CLOTHING MAKE THE CHICKEN
A salesman is talking to a farmer when he looks over and sees a rooster
wearing pants, a shirt, and suspenders.

He says, "What on earth is that all about?"

The farmer says, "We had a fire in the chicken coop two months ago and all
his feathers got singed off, so the wife made him some clothes to keep him
warm."

"Okay, but that was two months ago. Why does he still wear them?"

The farmer replied, "There ain't nothing funnier than watching him try to
hold down a hen with one foot and get his pants down with the other."

Chicken Recipes

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Pick-up Lines

Pick-up Lines

The Sunday Times (UK) reports that a British comedian, Marc Blake, has
become teaching Britain's lovelorn men how to be funny when chatting up
women. Excerpts:

Five Best chat-up lines:

* I've run out of Viagra, can I use you?

* Try me once and what have you wasted? Six hours of your life. More if
we went for foreplay. (Only six hours?? My record is 10 hours and 33
minutes. 3 minutes of action followed by 10 and half hour of sleep -
MM)

* I want you to have my children... They're in the car outside.

* I suffer from amnesia. Do I come here often?

* I've been trying to talk to you for ages. No, I still can't do it.

----

Five worst chat-up lines:

* Are we related? Do you want to be?

* Here I am. What are your other two wishes?

* Wow, look at those puppies!

* Hi. You'll do.

* Bond. James Bond.

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8.17.2006

History Revisited.....

History Revisited.....

Answers to history tests and in Sunday school quizzes given by
children between 5th and 6th grade in Ohio. They were collected over
a period of three years by two teachers.


Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies
who all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The
climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live
elsewhere.


Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made
unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died
before he ever reached Canada but his commandos made it.


Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. He
was an actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible. It
sounds like he was sort of busy too.


The Greeks were a highly sculptured people and without them we
wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young
female moth.


Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving
people advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose of
wedlock which is apparently poisonous. After his death, his career
suffered a dramatic decline.


In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits
and threw the java. The games were messier then than they show on TV
now.


Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The
Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be
made king. Dying, he gasped out "Same to you, Brutus."


Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard
Shaw for reasons I don't really understand. The English and French
still have problems.


Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen". As a queen she was a success.
When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah!"
and that was the end of the fighting for a long while.


It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg
invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was
the circulation of blood.


Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented
cigarettes and started smoking.


Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper
which was very dangerous to all his men.


The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare.
He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never
made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote
tragedies, comedies and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.


Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He
wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton
wrote Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it.


Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress.
Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of
the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by
rubbing two cats backward and also declared, "A horse divided against
itself cannot stand." He was a naturalist for sure. Franklin died in
1790 and is still dead.


Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's Mother
died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with
his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the
Emasculation Proclamation.


On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got
Shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They
believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane
actor. This ruined Booth's career.


Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a
large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster
which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach
was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was
half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.


Bethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf that he
wrote loud music and became the father of rock and roll. He took long
walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven
expired in 1827 and later died for this.


The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and
inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing
by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to
spring up.


Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work
of a hundred men.


Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits but I don't know why.


Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of the Species. It
was very long and people got upset about it and had trials to see if
it was really true. He sort of said God's days were not just 24 hours
but without watches who knew anyhow? I don't get it.


Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do what she
did. Other women have become scientists since her but they didn't get
to find radios because they were already taken.


Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other three were in the
movies. Karl made speeches and started revolutions. Someone in the
family had to have a job, I guess.

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POLITICALLY CORRECT

POLITICALLY CORRECT


*She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.

*She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

*She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

*She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

*She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

*She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

*She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

*She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

*She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

*She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.

*She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

*She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS. She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.

*She is not a TWO BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

*He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE
FACILITY.

*He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

*He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE
DESTINATIONS.

*He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

*He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL
RELATIONSHIPS.

*He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY
HORIZONTAL.

*He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.

*He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

*He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL
INVERSION.

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8.14.2006

THE FISHING TRIP

THE FISHING TRIP

A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation...

(She is speaking in a cheery voice) 'Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye.'
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, 'Who was that?'
'Oh,' she replies, 'That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you.'

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UP IN SMOKE

UP IN SMOKE





A Charlotte, NC man having purchased a box of very rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against fire among other things.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of cigars and without having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the man stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason; that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The man sued......and won! In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed that the claim was frivolous.

He stated nevertheless that the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure against fire, without defining what is considered to be, "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000.00 for the rare cigars he had lost in the "fires."

HERE COMES THE BEST PART!!

After the man cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.

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Funny Jokes -Murphy's other laws

Funny Jokes -Murphy's other laws

Murphy's other laws

1.Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

2.He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

3.A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

4.Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

5.Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

6.I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

7.When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

8.Seen it all, done it all. Can't remember most of it.

9.Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

10.I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

11.He's not dead. He's electroencephalographically challenged.

12.She's always late. In fact, her ancestors arrived on the "June flower."

13.You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and
used against you.

14.I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

15.Honk if you love peace and quiet.

16.Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.

17.Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

18.Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

19. It is hard to understand how a cemetery can raise its burial costs and
blame it on the higher cost of living.

20.Just remember ... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

21.The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something
right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

22.It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone
would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

23.You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

24.Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world
population.

25.If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

26.The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who
got there first.

27.Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day, Teach a man to fish and he will
sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

28.Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

29.The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.

30.A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

31.It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

32.Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

33.I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

34.I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

35.When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people
that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

36.Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until
you hear them speak.

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Funny Jokes - MIRROR PICTURES

Funny Jokes - MIRROR PICTURES

After living in a remote wilderness all his life, an old codger decided it
was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror
and looks in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, "How about that!
Here's a picture of my daddy."

He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy,
didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before
leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after
her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked
into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the old gal he's runnin' after."

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8.13.2006

Dear Diary,

Dear Diary,

I felt like my body had got totally out of shape, so following my
doctor's advice, I joined a fitness club and start exercising. I
decided to start with an aerobics class for seniors.

I bent, twisted, laid down, got up, gyrated, jumped up and down, pulled
up, looked down, and perspired for an hour.

But, by the time my leotards were finally on, the class was over.

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PMS

A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there.

After the service, he was approached by a woman who said "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS."

The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he would look for it.

The following week after the service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read,

"And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."

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Funny Jokes - Pilot-less Technology

Pilot-less Technology!!!


There were 20 executives on board an airplane and were told that the flight that they are about to take is the first-ever to feature pilot-less technology:
It is an un-crewed aircraft. Each one of the CEOs is then told, privately, that their company's software is running the aircraft's automatic pilot system.
Nineteen of the CEOs promptly leave the aircraft, each offering a different type of excuse.
One CEO alone remains on board the jet, seeming very calm indeed. Asked why he is so confident in this first un-crewed flight, he replies:
"If it's the same software that runs my company's IT systems, this plane won't even TAKE OFF."!!

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COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

Abbot and Costello 101 mychataddress
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COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need acomputer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do youhave?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "W" if you don't start with some straight answers! What about financial. You have anything I can track my money?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!


A few days later . . . . . . .

ABBOTT: Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START" !!!!!



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STUPID QUESTIONS

STUPID QUESTIONS WITH THE SMART ANSWERS


BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.
GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??

GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple alive!

GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??

BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??

BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.

MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.

WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think,
Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
Pupil : "The moon".
Teacher : "Why?"
Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it".

Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colors do you have?"

My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.

Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman".

Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?"
David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated".

Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".
Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of a COINCIDENCE?"
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time."

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8.12.2006

In the beginning

In the beginning

In the beginning, God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and
spinach, with green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man
and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then, using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's and
Krispy Kreme.

And Satan said: "You want hot fudge with that?"

And Man said: "Yes!"

And Woman said: "I'll have one, too...with sprinkles."

And lo they gained 10 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure
that Man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the
cane, and combined them.

And Woman went from size 2 to size 14.

So God said: "Try my fresh green garden salad."

And Satan presented crumbled Bleu Cheese dressing and garlic toast on
the side.

And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said: "I have sent you heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil
in which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth deep-fried coconut shrimp, butter-dipped lobster
chunks, and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.

And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming
with potassium and good nutrition.

Then Satan peeled off the healthful skin, sliced the starchy center into
chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of
salt.

And Man packed on more pounds.

God then brought forth running shoes so that his children might lose
those extra pounds.

And Satan introduced cable TV with remote control so Man would not have
to toil changing the channels.

And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and
started wearing stretchy Lycra jogging suits.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and
still satisfy his appetite.

And Satan created McDonald's and the 99-cent double cheeseburger.

Then Satan said: "You want fries with that?"

And Man replied: "Yes! And super size 'em!"

And Satan said: " It is good."

And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed...and created quadruple by-pass surgery.

Satan chuckled and created HMOs.

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WHO CAME FIRST?

WHO CAME FIRST?
A doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist were arguing about what
was the oldest profession in the world. The doctor remarked,"Well, in the
Bible it says that God created Eve from a rib taken from Adam. This clearly
required surgery so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession
in the world."

The civil engineer interrupted and said, "But even earlier in the book of
Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth
from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular
application of civil engineering. Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong;
mine is the oldest profession in the world."

The computer scientist leaned back in his chair, smiled and said
confidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?"

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8.11.2006

Funny Jokes - CLASSES FOR MEN AT THE LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS.

Funny Jokes - CLASSES FOR MEN AT THE LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS.

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY August 30, 2006
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with
Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours
beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change
Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of
Lifting The Seat and
Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? ---
Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper
and The Floor ---
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly
Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours
beginning at 7:00 PM

Class 6
Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your
Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support
Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00
PM

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With
Looking In The Right Places
And Not Turning The House Upside Down
While Screaming.
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not
Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00
PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real
Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be
determined.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly
While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between
Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and
role-playing.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be
determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing
Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays,
Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full
Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00
PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is
Used
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, locations to be
determine.


Upon completion of any of the above
courses, Diplomas will be issued to the
survivors.

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8.09.2006

Funny Jokes - THE END OF THE WORLD

Funny Jokes - THE END OF THE WORLD

When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it?

USA Today: WE'RE DEAD

The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS

National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN

Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE

Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE

Victoria's Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE

Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER

Wired: THE LAST NEW THING

Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR

Readers Digest: BYE

Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?

TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!

Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS. BY JUDGMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW
"ARMAGEDDON" DIET!

America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.

Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE

Microsoft's Web Site: IF YOU DIDN'T EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE, DOWNLOAD
SOFTWARE PATCH RAPT777.EXE.

Sun: ARMAGEDDON TOLERANT SOFTWARE NOW AVAILABLE!


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AS THE FAMILY GROWS

AS THE FAMILY GROWS
FEELING THE BABY MOVE
First Child: I placed my hand on my wives tummy every chance I could for two
months waiting for that first time when I could feel the baby move. Hours
upon hours I waited until that magic moment when, I felt this little
movement. We called all of our relatives to tell them about the blessed
experience.

Second Child: When it first happened, my wife called me at the office. I
quickly ran home and felt the baby move. We included the experience in our
entire letter to our family.

Third Child: She told me the baby moved. I told her I would check it during
the next commercial break. I missed out because her mother called on the
telephone so I went on watching Monday night football. By the end of the
third quarter, I finally felt the baby move.

Fourth Child: We were in bed and I was trying to sleep. I turned to her and
said "Can't you make your tummy stay still? I'm trying to sleep." When it
became clear that the baby would be jumping around for a while, we called
the pizza man for a delivery.

THE TRIP TO THE HOSPITAL
First Child: Every time we felt the slightest Braxton-Hicks contraction, we
rushed to the hospital. I would carry my wife to the car and lay her down in
the back seat surrounded by pillows.

Second Child: We timed the contractions. By the time she had three in thirty
minutes we rushed to the hospital. She sat in the front seat, with it leaned
back and a pillow behind her head and another at her feet.

Third Child: I came home from the office as soon as she started having
regular contractions. When they were five minutes apart and hard, we went to
the hospital. I gave her a pillow to hold along the way.

Fourth Child: When she called me at the office and told me that she was
having contractions hard and five minutes apart, I told her to drive to the
hospital. I would meet her there as soon as I finished the set of
correspondence I was working on. I reminded her not to forget the pillows.

THE FIRST STEP
First Child: My wife grabbed the camera. I grabbed the Video Camera. My wife
took four rolls of film. We immediately ran out to the one-hour developing
place and had all four rolls developed with double prints. We had the best
picture blown up to 24" X 36" framed. We hung it up the entry hall. I had a
professional studio turn the four hours of video I taped into a one-hour
documentary complete with voice-over by a local anchorman.

Second Child: We took one roll of film and five minutes worth of video. The
next day we took the film and had it developed by a twenty-four hour
developing center. I took the best picture and put it into my wallet.

Third Child: We couldn't find the video camera and we only had five shots
left on the roll of film. We took all five shots but I don't remember if we
ever got the roll developed.

Fourth Child: I quickly got up and grabbed the camera. I placed it up high
so the child wouldn't grab it.

FIRST TIME THE CHILD FALLS AND GETS A CUT
First Child: My wife and I frantically ran over to the child. We swept him
up and rushed him to the emergency room. No stitches were needed but we
spent the night with him in his room just in case the bleeding started
again.

Second Child: We walked over to her, picked her up and quickly bandaged her
up. We spent the next two hours rocking her in the living room to comfort
the pain.

Third Child: I told my wife that if he was still crying in a couple of
minutes, we should go over and make sure he isn't hurt too badly. When he
didn't stop crying, we bandaged up the cut and laid him in his bed for a
while but we went on about our business.

Fourth Child: We told the child that if she were still bleeding in a few
minutes to come over here and we would see what we could do. When the child
came walking up to the door, we told her to stay outside because we didn't
want her bleeding on the carpet.

PACIFIER FALLS ON FLOOR
First Child: Mother picks it up, runs to the kitchen and disinfects it by
boiling in water for ten minutes. Then, after it cools down for ten minutes,
she gives it back to child.

Second Child: Mother picks it up, washes it off in hot water, blows on it to
cool it down, and gives it back to the child.

Third Child: Mother picks it up, licks it off, and gives it back to the
child.

Fourth child: Dog picks it up and licks it off. Mother gives it back to the
child.

Funny Jokes

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The Woman You're Never Gonna Meet


The Woman You're Never Gonna Meet

She's a wonderful cook and keeps a spotless house.

She won't spend all your money; she has lots of her own.

When you're watching the game, she's quiet as a mouse.

She doesn't watch soaps or spend hours on the phone.

She never nags or bitches; she's always so sweet.

She looks good without make-up and is hotter than the law allows.

She is just perfect, and she's the girl you're NEVER going to meet!

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Funny Jokes - Famous Jokes - Virus Alert

Funny Jokes - Famous Jokes - Virus Alert - Watch Out For These!

Security experts and federal government authorities warn that
offspring of the dangerous "I love you" e-mail virus are now on
the loose. As a public service, we present the following list of
"I Love You" mutations and how to recognize them.


The "I Love You, But I'm Shy" virus never actually invades your
computer, but collects data about it worshipfully from afar.

The "Love The One You're With" virus hangs around your computer,
but the whole thing is just temporary until it can find the
computer that it really wants to invade.

The "Happily Married" virus invades only one computer and stays
with it for life.

The "Unhappily Married" virus spends a long time negotiating with
a computer, finally invades it, and then strays to other computers
from time to time.

The "I Want A Divorce" virus sends repeated, hard-to-read messages
that your computer isn't working and takes half of your computer's
best data in an ugly network session.

The "Stalker" virus spends unnatural amount of time monitoring your
computer, collecting data your computer has thrown away and tries
to record all of its functions. And it writes rude messages to any
other computer with which yours connects on any regular basis.

The "Forever Single" virus causes your computer to focus solely on
other computers with which it is totally incompatible or prove
generally unavailable.

The "Deadbeat Dad" virus invades your computer, spawns an entirely
new database, then refuses to help update it as it grows.

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8.08.2006

Funny Jokes - THE BLESSING

Funny Jokes - THE BLESSING

The Sunday School teacher asked, "Now, Johnny, tell me, do you say prayers before eating?"

"No sir," he replied. "We don't have to. My Mom is a good cook!"

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THE TITHING

Funny Jokes - THE TITHING

A little boy in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed around the offering plates.

When they came near his pew, the boy said loudly, "Don't pay for me, Daddy. I'm under five."

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Funny Jokes

Funny Jokes -

JUST CURIOUS

Little Johnny asked his grandma how old she was.

Grandma answered, "39 and holding."

Johnny thought for a moment and then said, "And how old would you be if you let go?"

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Funny Jokes - MATRIMONIAL PROPOSAL

Funny Jokes - MATRIMONIAL PROPOSAL

The prospective father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you support a family?"

The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no. I was just planning to support your daughter. T he rest of you will have to fend for yourselves."

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Funny Jokes - PALM SUNDAY

Funny Jokes - PALM SUNDAY

It was Palm Sunday and because of a sore throat five-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter. When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm branches. The boy asked what they were for.

"People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by."

"Wouldn't you know it," the boy fumed, "the one Sunday I don't go, He shows up!"

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8.07.2006

Funny Jokes - Jackson jokes

Funny Jokes - Jackson jokes

Q: How are a grocery sack and Michael Jackson different?
A: One is made of plastic and dangerous for children to play with. The other is used to store groceries.

Q: Whats the best part of 28-year olds for Michael Jackson?
A: That there are 20 of them.

Janet Jackson was pulled over by the police. Her right headlight was out.

Q: What are they going to do if they catch Michael Jackson with another 8-year old boy?
A: Give him his own parish.

Victoria's Secret is having a Janet Jackson Spring sale: All bras are half off.

Joke of the Day

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Funny Jokes - Religious jokes:

Funny Jokes - Religious jokes

Q: Why can't Episcopalians play chess?
A: They can't tell the difference between a Bishop and a Queen

Lutherans get rid of squirrels by baptizing them and making them
members. Then they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Q: How do you get a Unitarian family to leave town?
A: You burn a question mark on their front lawn.

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Funny Jokes - LETTER TO A MOTHER

Funny Jokes - LETTER TO A MOTHER

A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter over the bed.With
the worst premonition, she reads it with trembling hands:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I eloped with
my new boyfriend. I found real passion and he is so nice, with all his
piercing and tattoos and his big motorcycle. But is not only that mom,
I'm
pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the
woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my
dreams.
I've learned that marihuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it
for
us and his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and
ecstasies
we may want. In the meantime, we'll pray for the science to find the AIDS
cure, for Ahmed to get better, he deserves it. Don't worry Mom, I'm 15
years
old now and I know how to take care of myself.
Some day I'll visit for you to know your grandchildren. Your daughter,
Judith
PS: Mom, it's not true. I'm at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to
show
you that there are worst things in life than the school's report card
that's
in my desk's drawer...I love you!

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8.06.2006

Funny Jokes - No love bites

Funny Jokes - No love bites

A couple who'd been married for over 50 years were sitting on the sofa, when the wife said, "Dear, do you remember how you used to sit close to me?"

He moved over and sat close to her.

"Dear," she continued, "do you remember how you used to hold me tight?" He reached over and held her tight.


"And," she went on, "do you remember how you used to hug me and kiss me and nibble on my ear?"

With that, her husband got up and started to walk out of the room.


"Where are you going?" she asked.

"Well," answered the husband, "I have to get my teeth."

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8.05.2006

Funny Jokes - Why parents drink

Funny Jokes - Why parents drink



A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day.

Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello?"

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he' s busy," whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A helicopter," answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a helicopter."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle.........

"ME."

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Funny Jokes - Embarrassing Medical Exams

Embarrassing Medical Exams

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs ---and I was in the wrong one. Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX.

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient. Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart." Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch, the nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

5.. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered..."Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive." Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly." Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn." Submitted by RN no name

AND FINALLY!!!............
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener". Dr. Wouldn't submit his name





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8.04.2006

Funny Jokes - The Boat Race - Americans and Japanese

Funny Jokes - The Boat Race - Americans and Japanese

The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance levels. On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile. The American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommend corrective action.

The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering.

After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team. So as race day neared again the following year, the American team's management structure was completely reorganized.

The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers, and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive.

The next year, the Japanese won by TWO miles!!!

Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.



Inspirational Quotes

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Funny Jokes - Grandmas & Kids

Funny Jokes - Grandmas & Kids

After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks
and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children
getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a
towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with
stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a
trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
-------------------------------------------
A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was
like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it
hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries
in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said,
"I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
-----------------------------------------
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you
and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked,"No, how are we
alike? "You're both old," he replied.
-------------------------------------------
A little 4 yr. old girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word
processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I
don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
-------------------------------------------
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to
test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell
me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued.
At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should
try to figure out some of these yourself!"
------------------------------------
A Sunda y school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to
discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.
Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers
off thy neighbor's wife,"
-------------------------------------------
Our five-year-old grandson couldn't wait to tell his grandfather about the movie
we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea." The scenes with
the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed. In the middle of the
telling, my husband interrupted, "Mark! What caused the submarine to sink?" With
a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Grampa, it was the 20,000 leaks!!"
-------------------------------------------
When my grandson, Billy, and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights
off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few
fire flies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no
use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
------------------------------------------
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure."
"Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm four to six."
------------------------------------------
A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma,
guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a
little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "How
do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' of
'baby' to 'i' and add 'es' " (What English Teacher wouldn't love that one?)
-------------------------------------------
Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," sa id a teacher.
The small boy wrote: "The Fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher
took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she
asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."
------------------------------------------
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one
day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck
was a Dalmatian. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him
to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No, said another, " he's just for
good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs",
she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My three year old walked into the kitchen and announced she'd figured it out:
"When I get older and have babies, you'll be their grandmother." I was impressed
with her deductive reasoning until she went on with a glint in her eye: "...that
is if you live long enough."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mommy Test
I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the
ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I
asked her not to do that.
"Why?" my daughter asked. "Because it's been laying outside; you don't know
where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs," I replied. At this point,
my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know
all this stuff?" "Uh," I was thinking quickly, "All Moms know this stuff. It's
on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy." We
walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this
new information. "Oh...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you
have to be the daddy" "Exactly!" I replied back with a big smile on my face and
joy in my heart.


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What I want in a man


What I Want In A Man!

Original List:
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer thing
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover



What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)

1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week




What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)

1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends




What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)


1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends




What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)


1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend





What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)


1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.

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Funny Jokes - United States Redneck Special Forces

Funny Jokes - United States Redneck Special Forces

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces. These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma, Tennessee and Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:

1. The season opened today.

2. There is no limit.

3. They taste just like chicken.

4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.

5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

6. Their favorite movie is "BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN."

We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday!

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Funny Jokes - Camels

Funny Jokes - Camels

A mother and baby camel are talking one
day when the baby camel asks, "Mom,
why have I got these huge three toed feet?"

The mother replies, "Well son, when we
trek across the desert your toes will help
you to stay on top of the soft sand."

"OK," said the son.

A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom,
why have I got these great long eyelashes?"

"They are there to keep the sand out of your
eyes on the trips through the desert."

"Thanks Mom," replies the son.

After a short while, the son returns and asks,
"Mom, why have I got these great big humps
on my back??" The mother, now a little
impatient with the boy replies, "They are
there to help us store water for our long
treks across the desert, so we can go
without drinking for long periods."

"That's great Mom, so we have huge feet
to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to
keep the sand from our eyes and these
humps to store water, but Mom..."

"Yes, son?"

"Why the heck are we in the San Diego zoo?"


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8.03.2006

Funny Jokes - Job Applicants

Funny Jokes - Job Applicants

How to Match Job Applicants to Appropriate Positions

Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open
window.
Then send 2 or 3 candidates into the room and close the door.
Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours, and then analyze the situation :

If they are counting the bricks, put them in the accounting department.

If they are recounting them, put them in auditing.

If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in engineering.

If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in planning.

If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in operations.

If they are sleeping, put them in security

If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in information technology.

If they are sitting idle, put them in human resources.

If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been
moved, put them in sales.

If they have already left for the day, put them in marketing.

If they are staring out of the window, put them in strategic planning.

If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved,
congratulate them and put them in top management.

Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they
can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Congress.


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8.02.2006

Brain Dead?

Brain Dead?

A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner.
The attorney asked, "Before you signed the death certificate had you
taken the man's pulse?"
The coroner said, "No."
The attorney then asked, "Did you listen for a heart beat?"
"No."
"Did you check for breathing?"
"No."
"So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps
to make sure the man was dead, had you?"
The coroner, now tired of the brow beating said, "Well, let me put it
this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I
know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."

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DO RE MI DRINK, by Homer J. Simpson.

DO RE MI DRINK, by Homer J. Simpson.

*ahem* La la la la.... *ahem* LAAAAAAA!!

DO...... the stuff... that buys me beer...
RAY..... the guy that sells me beer...
ME...... the guy... who drinks the beer,
FAR..... a long way to get beer...
SO...... I'll have another beer...
LA...... I'll have another beer...
TEA..... no thanks, I'm drinking beer...
That will bring us back to... (Looks into an empty glass)
D'OH!

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DO RE MI DRINK, by Homer J. Simpson.

DO RE MI DRINK, by Homer J. Simpson.

*ahem* La la la la.... *ahem* LAAAAAAA!!

DO...... the stuff... that buys me beer...
RAY..... the guy that sells me beer...
ME...... the guy... who drinks the beer,
FAR..... a long way to get beer...
SO...... I'll have another beer...
LA...... I'll have another beer...
TEA..... no thanks, I'm drinking beer...
That will bring us back to... (Looks into an empty glass)
D'OH!

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Scotch & Water

Scotch & Water

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two
drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on
this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today."

The bartender says "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a
drink. In fact, this one is on me." As the lady finishes her drink, the
lady to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."

The old lady says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two
drops of water." "Coming up," says the bartender. As she finishes that
drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too."

The old lady says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with
two drops of water." "Coming right up," the bartender says. As he
gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the
Scotch with only two drops of water?"

The old lady replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to
hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue."

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The Nuns

The Nuns

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible
language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it." "When did you use
this awful language?" asks the elder nun.

"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going
to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the
fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushesand
grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away." "Is THAT when you swore?"
asks the Mother Superior again.

"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came
down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"And Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.

"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew
near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball." "Did you swear THEN?" asked
Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled
onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole." The two nuns were
silent for a moment.

Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the putt, didn't you?


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Insurance Companies.....

Insurance Companies.....

Four insurance companies are in competition. One comes up with the slogan
"Coverage from the cradle to the grave."
The Second one tries to improve on that with "Coverage from the womb to the
tomb."

Not to be outdone, the third one comes up with "From the sperm to the
worm."

The fourth insurance company really thought hard and almost gave up the
race, but finally came up with "From the erection to the resurrection."

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8.01.2006

To Forgive



Early in their marriage, my Dad did something really
stupid. My Mom chewed him out for it. He apologized,
they made up.

However, from time to time, my Mom mentioned what he
had done.

"Honey," my Dad finally said one day, "why do you keep
bringing that up? I thought your policy was 'forgive
and forget.'"

"It is," she said. "I just don't want you to forget
that I've forgiven and forgotten."

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To be young again...

To be young again.....

A three year old boy in his bath examined his testicles and asked,
"Mommy, are these my brains?" Mom said, "Not yet, honey."

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Things my mother taught me

Things my mother taught me

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going
to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and! I'll gi ve you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, They are going to freeze that
way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23 My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. My mother taught me JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

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Why it's nice to be a dog. - Funny Jokes - Dog Jokes

Why it's nice to be a dog. - Funny Jokes - Dog Jokes


No one expects you to take a bath every day.

Your friends never expect you to pay for lunch, dinner, or anything else
for that matter.

When it's raining, you can lie around the house all day and never worry
about being fired.

If it itches, you can reach it.

And, no matter what itches, no one is offended if you scratch it in
public.

You can wear a fur coat and no one thinks you're insensitive.

If you grow hair in weird places, no one notices.

You never get in trouble for putting your head in a stranger's lap

Having big feet is considered an asset.

If you gain weight, it's someone else's fault.

No one tells you to wipe your nose because it's wet.

No matter where you live, you own the place.

Your mate never complains because you whine.

Puppy love can last.

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Funny Jokes - A short history of medicine:

A short history of medicine:

I have an earache...

2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.

1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.

1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.

1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.

1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.

2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

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Funny Jokes - HOW TO STAY YOUNG

Funny Jokes - HOW TO STAY YOUNG

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height.
Let the doctor worry about them. That is why you pay him/her.

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening,
whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's
workshop." And the devil's name is
Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is
with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets,
keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable,
improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to
a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments
that take our breath away.

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