Idiots of 2005

Idiots of 2005

Number One Idiot of 2005

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the
poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she
caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the
ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter
into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation
happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in
order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter
into the emergency room right away.

Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Number Two Idiot of 2005

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a
life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of
the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river,
they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out
that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that
activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at
Boeing.

Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Number Three Idiot of 2005

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch
and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While
standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to
worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police
before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and
crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank.

After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells
Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he
wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not
accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America
deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo
deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated,
the man said, "OK" and left.

He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at
Bank of America.

Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Number Four Idiot of 2005

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that
measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later
received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of
payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days
later, he received a letter from the police that contained another
picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.
Smartass... but you still get a sign.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Number Five Idiot of 2005

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all
of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a
bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter
on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the
cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The
robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because
she didn't believe him.

At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and
gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man
was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then
ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police
and gave the name and address of t he robber that he got off the license.

They arrested the robber two hours later.

This guy definitely needs a sign.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Idiot Number Six of 2005

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving
revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved,
the startled first bandit shot him.

This guy doesn't even deserve a sign.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Seven of 2005

Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that
he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some
booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head
at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It
seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event
was caught on videotape.

Yep, Here's your sign...

Jewish Haiku

Jewish Haiku

After the warm rain

the sweet smell of camellias.

Did you wipe your feet?

*****

Her lips near my ear,

Aunt Sadie whispers the name

of her friend's disease.

*****

Today I am a man.

Tomorrow I will return

to the seventh grade.

*****

Testing the warm milk

on her wrist, she sighs softly.

But her son is 25.

*****

The sparkling blue sea

reminds me to wait an hour

after my sandwich.

*****

Lacking fins or tail

the gefilte fish swims with

great difficulty.

*****

Like a bonsai tree,

your terrible posture

at my dinner table.

*****

Beyond Valium,

the peace of knowing one's child

is an internist.

*****

Jews on safari-

map, compass, elephant gun,

hard sucking candies.

*****

The same kimono

the top geishas are wearing:

I got it at Loehmann's.

*****

The shivah visit:

so sorry about your loss.

Now back to my problems.

*****

Mom, please! There is no

need to put that dinner roll

in your pocketbook.

*****

Seven-foot Jews in

the NBA slam-dunking!

My alarm clock rings.

*****

Sorry I'm not home

to take your call. At the tone

please state your bad news.

*****

Is one Nobel Prize

so much to ask from a child

after all I've done?

*****

Today, mild shvitzing.

Tomorrow, so hot you'll plotz.

Five-day forecast: feh

*****

Passover

Left the door open

for the Prophet Elijah.

Now our cat is gone.

*****

Yenta. Shmeer. Gevalt.

Shlemiel. Shlimazl. Meshuganah

Oy! To be fluent!

*****

Quietly murmured

at Saturday services,

Yanks 5, Red Sox 3.

*****

A lovely nose ring,

excuse me while I put my

head in the oven.

****

Hard to tell under the lights.

White Yarmulke or

male-pattern baldness.

First? Last....

.

67 years ago this week, the first Social Security checks went out.
The last ones will hit the post office the day before I become eligible.

Telemarketers

Funny Jokes - Telemarketers

Do you get lots of annoying calls from telemarketers?

Don't get upset about it! Use the opportunity to get a laugh!

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?"
Alternately, you can tell them, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..." When they try to get to the sell, just keep talking about your problems.

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. If they are selling a lawn service to make your grass grow better, tell them it grows to fast now and green is not your favorite color anyway.

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out GOAT blood? How about HUMAN blood?

9. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. Tell the telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can't sell to employees.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream "Oh No!" and then hang up.

12. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

13. Tell them it is dinnertime, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speakerphone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

14. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some food.

15. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

16. Ask the telemarketer if they use the product they are trying to sell. If they do, ask for a complete report. If they don't, ask them why not, since it is such a great product.

17. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

18. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up ...louder......louder...louder

19. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.

20. Tell them that you are busy and ask for their phone number so you can call them back. If they say that they don't give out their phone number or they don't take calls, then ask for the caller's personal phone number at home. If then they say that they don't like being called at home, quickly say "Bingo!" and hang up.

Funny Jokes - Blonde Jokes - OH NO!

Funny Jokes - Blonde Jokes - OH NO!

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about all his employees' well being, asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?"

To which the blonde replies: "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, says to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day...we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."

The blonde very calmly states, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know."

Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees her hysterically crying!! He rushes out to her, asking,

"What's the problem...are you gonna be ok??"

"No...." exclaims the blonde. "I just got a call from my sister.

She told me that HER mom died too!!"

Funny Jokes

Funny Jokes - Duck food?

Funny Jokes - Duck food?

One day a convenience store worker was
sitting not doing much. At 2 o'clock the
doors swing open and a duck walks in.

"Do you have any duck food?" the duck asks.

"No we don't got any duck food."

"Okay, thanks anyway", says the duck, and
walks out.

The next day at 2 o'clock the doors swing
open again, and the same duck walks in.

"Got any duck food?" he asks.

The clerk is a little annoyed, "No! We don't
have any duck food!"

"Fine." the duck says and walks out.

The third day at 2 o'clock the doors swing
open and the duck walks in and asks, "Got
any duck food?"

By now the clerk so getting very annoyed: "No"
he yells, "We don't have any duck food! We
didn't have any yesterday won't don't have any
today and we wont have any tomorrow! And if
you come in here again and ask if we have and
duck food, I'll nail your little web feet to the floor!!!!"

All the duck does is turn and walk out the door.

On the forth day at 2 o'clock the doors swing
open and the duck walks in:

"Got any nails?" the duck asks.

"No, we don't got nails."

"Well then," the duck says, "Got any duck food?"


Funny Jokes

What is Intelligence?

Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him."

So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," the boss said. "What do you mean, Intelligence’?"

The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!"

The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence." "What's intelligence?" said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."

Don't Step On The Ducks!

Three women die together in an accident and go
to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says,
"We only have one rule here in heaven ... don't
step on the ducks." So they enter heaven, and
sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and
although they try their best to avoid them, the first
woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes
St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St.
Peter chains them together and says, "Your
punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend
eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps
on a duck, and along come St. Peter, who doesn't
miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly
man. He chains them together with the same
punishment as the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not
wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man,
is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages
to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one
day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome
man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, tan, muscular,
and with good hair. St. Peter chains them together
without saying a word.

The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve
being chained to you for all of eternity?" And the guy says,
"Well, I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck."

Worms

Worms

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.

"Now, class, observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.


The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.


"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked. Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."

When I was traveling

When I was traveling

When I was traveling in Florida, I saw this woman attempting to fuel her car.
She had a whole car load of screaming kids. She kept saying, please calm down I
will take you home in a minute for supper. She was obviously very flustered.
Halfway through fueling, her purse slipped from her shoulder and landed on the
ground and everything fell out. After putting everything back in her purse she
resumed fueling her car. In the process she spilled some gas on her sleeve. She
then got in the car and started it up. As she started to pull away from the
pumps, she lit a cigarette with the same hand that she spilled gas on. I waved
at her, yelled at her, and beat her hood to try to get her to stop. I guess she
thought I better get away from this crazy person. I started up and tried to
catch up. A little ways down the road her arm caught on fire.She was waving her
arm out the window to put the fire out. I was trying to catch her to get her
pulled over so I could help. Before I had a
chance to stop her, a police officer pulled her over. He then started to write
her a ticket. I went up to the officer, I asked him why he was writing her a
ticket. I told him it was ridiculous. He told me it is very simple sir. In
Florida it is against the law to wave a firearm out the window of a moving
vehicle.

What the teacher says and (what the teacher means)

What the teacher says and (what the teacher really means).
1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information
from his classmates.
( He was caught cheating on a test).

2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and viability.
(The hyperactive monster can't stay seated for five minutes ).

3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with
fiction.
(He's definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met).

4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating
that high expectations don't intimidate her.
(The lazy thing hasn't done one assignment all term).

5. Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination.
(The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away).

6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers.
(Your son needs to stop socializing and start working).

7. Your daughter's greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions.
(Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment, she
creates a class argument).

8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers.
(He's a bully).

9. An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to
explore new territory.
(Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond).

10. I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality.
(She's so immature that we've run out of diapers).

11. Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very
expressive and open.
(He must have written the Whiner's Guide).

12. I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress
would be enhanced through a year's repetition of her learning environment.
(Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and
must repeat the 8th grade).



13. Her exuberant verbosity is awesome!
(A mouth that never stops yacking ).

THE SAHARA

THE SAHARA

A large, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks' door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to leave. "Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the skinny man.

"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the lumberjack. "Take your axe and go cut it down."

The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack's door. "I cut the tree down," said the man.

The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said, "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?"

"In the Sahara Forest," replied the puny man.

"You mean the Sahara Desert," said the lumberjack.

The little man laughed and answered back... "Oh sure, that's what they call it now!"


Jokes
Chicken Recipes
Quotes

In the coffee shop

In the coffee shop

A guy comes into a coffee shop and places his order, he says "I want three flat
tires and a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards." The waitress, not
wanting to appear stupid, goes to the kitchen and asks the cook, "This guy out
there just ordered three flat tires and a pair of headlights and pair of running
boards. What does he think, this is an auto parts store?" "No" the cook says,
"three flat tires means three pancakes and a pair of headlights is two eggs
sunny side up and running boards is 2 slices crisp bacon." "Oh," says the
waitress. She thinks about this for a while, and then she spoons up a bowl of
beans and gives it to the customer. The guy says, "What are the beans for?"
The waitress replies, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires,
headlights and running boards, you might want to gas up."



Jokes
Diabetic Recipes
Quotations

Funny Jokes - Funny Definitions

Funny Jokes - Funny Definitions


Doctor:
A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you
with his bills.

Cigarette:
A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one
end a fool on the other.

Compromise:
The art of dividing a cake in such a way that
everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Dictionary:
A place where success comes before work.

Conference Room:
A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and
everybody disagrees later on.

Classic:
A book which people praise, but do not read.

Smile:
A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office:
A place where you can relax after your strenuous home
life.

Yawn:
The only time some married men ever get to open their
mouth.

Etc. :
A sign to make others believe that you know more than
you actually do.

Committee:
Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to
decide that nothing can be done together.

Lecture:
An art of transferring information from the notes of
the Lecturer to the notes of the students without
passing through "the minds of either"

Conference:
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number
present.

Experience:
The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb:
An invention to end all inventions.

Diplomat:
A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way
that you actually look forward to the trip.

Opportunist:
A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally
falls into a river.

Optimist:
A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in
midway "See I am not injured yet."

Divorce:
Future tense of marriage.

Miser:
A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Father:
A banker provided by nature.

Criminal:
A guy no different from the rest....except that he got
caught.

Boss:
Someone who is early when you are late and late when
you are early.

Politician:
One who shakes your hand before elections and your
confidence after.

Camping in Yellowstone

Camping in Yellowstone


A group of Czechoslovakian tourists were camping in Yellowstone
National Park. While the others set up tents, a few went to gather
firewood. There were plenty of fallen branches, and they soon found
their arms full. As they were heading back to the campsite, a large
bear jumped out at them. It swallowed one of the men whole and ran
off.

Distraught, his friends found a park ranger and told him what
happened. The ranger agreed to help find their friend. After a short search,
they found two bears sleeping close to the campsite. The ranger asked the
men which one attacked their friend. Unfortunately, they didn't know.

The ranger studied the bears. After a moment, he pointed at the male bear. "That's the one that ate your friend." Then, he pulled out a knife and cut the bear open. Of course, the missing tourist wasn't
inside.

The moral of the story: Don't believe anyone who says the Czech is in the male!

Helicopter Crash

Helicopter Crash

The helicopter lost power while flying over a remote Scottish island and was forced to make an emergency landing.

Luckily, the pilot saw a small cottage nearby. He walked to it and knocked on the door.

"Is there a mechanic in the area?" he asked the woman who answered the door.

She scratched her head and thought for a few seconds.

"Nae," she finally said, pointing down the road, "but we dae hae a MacArdle and a MacKay."

older Chinese gentleman

There was an older Chinese gentleman who was getting worried
that he wasn't receiving any mail from his family back in China, He
knew they wrote to him regularly, at least once a week, but for
over a month now, he hadn't received a single message.

The problem was finally discovered when he went to the local
post office to find out if they were having a problem there...

Turns out, they'd been delivering his mail to the Wong address.

Audi Alteram Parten....

Audi Alteram Parten.....

During a Law course class, the 'Audi Alteram Parten' rule was
explained. Translated it means "To hear the other party"

After discussing the subject at great length, the lecturer asked
if anyone didn't understand the rule.

Responded one woman, "My husband!"

CLOTHING MAKE THE CHICKEN

CLOTHING MAKE THE CHICKEN
A salesman is talking to a farmer when he looks over and sees a rooster
wearing pants, a shirt, and suspenders.

He says, "What on earth is that all about?"

The farmer says, "We had a fire in the chicken coop two months ago and all
his feathers got singed off, so the wife made him some clothes to keep him
warm."

"Okay, but that was two months ago. Why does he still wear them?"

The farmer replied, "There ain't nothing funnier than watching him try to
hold down a hen with one foot and get his pants down with the other."

Chicken Recipes

Pick-up Lines

Pick-up Lines

The Sunday Times (UK) reports that a British comedian, Marc Blake, has
become teaching Britain's lovelorn men how to be funny when chatting up
women. Excerpts:

Five Best chat-up lines:

* I've run out of Viagra, can I use you?

* Try me once and what have you wasted? Six hours of your life. More if
we went for foreplay. (Only six hours?? My record is 10 hours and 33
minutes. 3 minutes of action followed by 10 and half hour of sleep -
MM)

* I want you to have my children... They're in the car outside.

* I suffer from amnesia. Do I come here often?

* I've been trying to talk to you for ages. No, I still can't do it.

----

Five worst chat-up lines:

* Are we related? Do you want to be?

* Here I am. What are your other two wishes?

* Wow, look at those puppies!

* Hi. You'll do.

* Bond. James Bond.

History Revisited.....

History Revisited.....

Answers to history tests and in Sunday school quizzes given by
children between 5th and 6th grade in Ohio. They were collected over
a period of three years by two teachers.


Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies
who all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The
climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live
elsewhere.


Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made
unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died
before he ever reached Canada but his commandos made it.


Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. He
was an actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible. It
sounds like he was sort of busy too.


The Greeks were a highly sculptured people and without them we
wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young
female moth.


Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving
people advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose of
wedlock which is apparently poisonous. After his death, his career
suffered a dramatic decline.


In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits
and threw the java. The games were messier then than they show on TV
now.


Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The
Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be
made king. Dying, he gasped out "Same to you, Brutus."


Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard
Shaw for reasons I don't really understand. The English and French
still have problems.


Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen". As a queen she was a success.
When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah!"
and that was the end of the fighting for a long while.


It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg
invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was
the circulation of blood.


Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented
cigarettes and started smoking.


Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper
which was very dangerous to all his men.


The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare.
He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never
made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote
tragedies, comedies and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.


Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He
wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton
wrote Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it.


Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress.
Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of
the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by
rubbing two cats backward and also declared, "A horse divided against
itself cannot stand." He was a naturalist for sure. Franklin died in
1790 and is still dead.


Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's Mother
died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with
his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the
Emasculation Proclamation.


On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got
Shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They
believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane
actor. This ruined Booth's career.


Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a
large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster
which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach
was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was
half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.


Bethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf that he
wrote loud music and became the father of rock and roll. He took long
walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven
expired in 1827 and later died for this.


The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and
inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing
by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to
spring up.


Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work
of a hundred men.


Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits but I don't know why.


Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of the Species. It
was very long and people got upset about it and had trials to see if
it was really true. He sort of said God's days were not just 24 hours
but without watches who knew anyhow? I don't get it.


Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do what she
did. Other women have become scientists since her but they didn't get
to find radios because they were already taken.


Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other three were in the
movies. Karl made speeches and started revolutions. Someone in the
family had to have a job, I guess.

POLITICALLY CORRECT

POLITICALLY CORRECT


*She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.

*She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

*She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

*She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

*She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

*She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

*She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

*She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

*She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

*She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.

*She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

*She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS. She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.

*She is not a TWO BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

*He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE
FACILITY.

*He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

*He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE
DESTINATIONS.

*He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

*He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL
RELATIONSHIPS.

*He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY
HORIZONTAL.

*He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.

*He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

*He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL
INVERSION.

THE FISHING TRIP

THE FISHING TRIP

A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation...

(She is speaking in a cheery voice) 'Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye.'
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, 'Who was that?'
'Oh,' she replies, 'That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you.'

UP IN SMOKE

UP IN SMOKE





A Charlotte, NC man having purchased a box of very rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against fire among other things.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of cigars and without having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the man stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason; that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The man sued......and won! In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed that the claim was frivolous.

He stated nevertheless that the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure against fire, without defining what is considered to be, "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000.00 for the rare cigars he had lost in the "fires."

HERE COMES THE BEST PART!!

After the man cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.

Funny Jokes -Murphy's other laws

Funny Jokes -Murphy's other laws

Murphy's other laws

1.Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

2.He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

3.A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

4.Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

5.Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

6.I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

7.When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

8.Seen it all, done it all. Can't remember most of it.

9.Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

10.I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

11.He's not dead. He's electroencephalographically challenged.

12.She's always late. In fact, her ancestors arrived on the "June flower."

13.You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and
used against you.

14.I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

15.Honk if you love peace and quiet.

16.Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.

17.Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

18.Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

19. It is hard to understand how a cemetery can raise its burial costs and
blame it on the higher cost of living.

20.Just remember ... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

21.The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something
right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

22.It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone
would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

23.You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

24.Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world
population.

25.If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

26.The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who
got there first.

27.Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day, Teach a man to fish and he will
sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

28.Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

29.The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.

30.A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

31.It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

32.Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

33.I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

34.I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

35.When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people
that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

36.Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until
you hear them speak.

Funny Jokes - MIRROR PICTURES

Funny Jokes - MIRROR PICTURES

After living in a remote wilderness all his life, an old codger decided it
was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror
and looks in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, "How about that!
Here's a picture of my daddy."

He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy,
didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before
leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after
her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked
into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the old gal he's runnin' after."

Dear Diary,

Dear Diary,

I felt like my body had got totally out of shape, so following my
doctor's advice, I joined a fitness club and start exercising. I
decided to start with an aerobics class for seniors.

I bent, twisted, laid down, got up, gyrated, jumped up and down, pulled
up, looked down, and perspired for an hour.

But, by the time my leotards were finally on, the class was over.

PMS

A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there.

After the service, he was approached by a woman who said "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS."

The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he would look for it.

The following week after the service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read,

"And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."

Funny Jokes - Pilot-less Technology

Pilot-less Technology!!!


There were 20 executives on board an airplane and were told that the flight that they are about to take is the first-ever to feature pilot-less technology:
It is an un-crewed aircraft. Each one of the CEOs is then told, privately, that their company's software is running the aircraft's automatic pilot system.
Nineteen of the CEOs promptly leave the aircraft, each offering a different type of excuse.
One CEO alone remains on board the jet, seeming very calm indeed. Asked why he is so confident in this first un-crewed flight, he replies:
"If it's the same software that runs my company's IT systems, this plane won't even TAKE OFF."!!

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

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COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need acomputer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do youhave?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "W" if you don't start with some straight answers! What about financial. You have anything I can track my money?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!


A few days later . . . . . . .

ABBOTT: Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START" !!!!!

STUPID QUESTIONS

STUPID QUESTIONS WITH THE SMART ANSWERS


BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.
GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??

GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple alive!

GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??

BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??

BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.

MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.

WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think,
Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
Pupil : "The moon".
Teacher : "Why?"
Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it".

Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colors do you have?"

My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.

Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman".

Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?"
David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated".

Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".
Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of a COINCIDENCE?"
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time."

In the beginning

In the beginning

In the beginning, God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and
spinach, with green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man
and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then, using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's and
Krispy Kreme.

And Satan said: "You want hot fudge with that?"

And Man said: "Yes!"

And Woman said: "I'll have one, too...with sprinkles."

And lo they gained 10 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure
that Man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the
cane, and combined them.

And Woman went from size 2 to size 14.

So God said: "Try my fresh green garden salad."

And Satan presented crumbled Bleu Cheese dressing and garlic toast on
the side.

And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said: "I have sent you heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil
in which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth deep-fried coconut shrimp, butter-dipped lobster
chunks, and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.

And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming
with potassium and good nutrition.

Then Satan peeled off the healthful skin, sliced the starchy center into
chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of
salt.

And Man packed on more pounds.

God then brought forth running shoes so that his children might lose
those extra pounds.

And Satan introduced cable TV with remote control so Man would not have
to toil changing the channels.

And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and
started wearing stretchy Lycra jogging suits.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and
still satisfy his appetite.

And Satan created McDonald's and the 99-cent double cheeseburger.

Then Satan said: "You want fries with that?"

And Man replied: "Yes! And super size 'em!"

And Satan said: " It is good."

And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed...and created quadruple by-pass surgery.

Satan chuckled and created HMOs.

WHO CAME FIRST?

WHO CAME FIRST?
A doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist were arguing about what
was the oldest profession in the world. The doctor remarked,"Well, in the
Bible it says that God created Eve from a rib taken from Adam. This clearly
required surgery so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession
in the world."

The civil engineer interrupted and said, "But even earlier in the book of
Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth
from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular
application of civil engineering. Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong;
mine is the oldest profession in the world."

The computer scientist leaned back in his chair, smiled and said
confidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?"

Funny Jokes - CLASSES FOR MEN AT THE LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS.

Funny Jokes - CLASSES FOR MEN AT THE LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS.

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY August 30, 2006
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with
Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours
beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change
Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of
Lifting The Seat and
Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? ---
Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper
and The Floor ---
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly
Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours
beginning at 7:00 PM

Class 6
Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your
Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support
Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00
PM

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With
Looking In The Right Places
And Not Turning The House Upside Down
While Screaming.
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not
Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00
PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real
Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be
determined.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly
While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between
Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and
role-playing.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be
determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing
Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays,
Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full
Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00
PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is
Used
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, locations to be
determine.


Upon completion of any of the above
courses, Diplomas will be issued to the
survivors.

Funny Jokes - THE END OF THE WORLD

Funny Jokes - THE END OF THE WORLD

When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it?

USA Today: WE'RE DEAD

The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS

National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN

Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE

Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE

Victoria's Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE

Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER

Wired: THE LAST NEW THING

Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR

Readers Digest: BYE

Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?

TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!

Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS. BY JUDGMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW
"ARMAGEDDON" DIET!

America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.

Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE

Microsoft's Web Site: IF YOU DIDN'T EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE, DOWNLOAD
SOFTWARE PATCH RAPT777.EXE.

Sun: ARMAGEDDON TOLERANT SOFTWARE NOW AVAILABLE!


Funny Jokes

AS THE FAMILY GROWS

AS THE FAMILY GROWS
FEELING THE BABY MOVE
First Child: I placed my hand on my wives tummy every chance I could for two
months waiting for that first time when I could feel the baby move. Hours
upon hours I waited until that magic moment when, I felt this little
movement. We called all of our relatives to tell them about the blessed
experience.

Second Child: When it first happened, my wife called me at the office. I
quickly ran home and felt the baby move. We included the experience in our
entire letter to our family.

Third Child: She told me the baby moved. I told her I would check it during
the next commercial break. I missed out because her mother called on the
telephone so I went on watching Monday night football. By the end of the
third quarter, I finally felt the baby move.

Fourth Child: We were in bed and I was trying to sleep. I turned to her and
said "Can't you make your tummy stay still? I'm trying to sleep." When it
became clear that the baby would be jumping around for a while, we called
the pizza man for a delivery.

THE TRIP TO THE HOSPITAL
First Child: Every time we felt the slightest Braxton-Hicks contraction, we
rushed to the hospital. I would carry my wife to the car and lay her down in
the back seat surrounded by pillows.

Second Child: We timed the contractions. By the time she had three in thirty
minutes we rushed to the hospital. She sat in the front seat, with it leaned
back and a pillow behind her head and another at her feet.

Third Child: I came home from the office as soon as she started having
regular contractions. When they were five minutes apart and hard, we went to
the hospital. I gave her a pillow to hold along the way.

Fourth Child: When she called me at the office and told me that she was
having contractions hard and five minutes apart, I told her to drive to the
hospital. I would meet her there as soon as I finished the set of
correspondence I was working on. I reminded her not to forget the pillows.

THE FIRST STEP
First Child: My wife grabbed the camera. I grabbed the Video Camera. My wife
took four rolls of film. We immediately ran out to the one-hour developing
place and had all four rolls developed with double prints. We had the best
picture blown up to 24" X 36" framed. We hung it up the entry hall. I had a
professional studio turn the four hours of video I taped into a one-hour
documentary complete with voice-over by a local anchorman.

Second Child: We took one roll of film and five minutes worth of video. The
next day we took the film and had it developed by a twenty-four hour
developing center. I took the best picture and put it into my wallet.

Third Child: We couldn't find the video camera and we only had five shots
left on the roll of film. We took all five shots but I don't remember if we
ever got the roll developed.

Fourth Child: I quickly got up and grabbed the camera. I placed it up high
so the child wouldn't grab it.

FIRST TIME THE CHILD FALLS AND GETS A CUT
First Child: My wife and I frantically ran over to the child. We swept him
up and rushed him to the emergency room. No stitches were needed but we
spent the night with him in his room just in case the bleeding started
again.

Second Child: We walked over to her, picked her up and quickly bandaged her
up. We spent the next two hours rocking her in the living room to comfort
the pain.

Third Child: I told my wife that if he was still crying in a couple of
minutes, we should go over and make sure he isn't hurt too badly. When he
didn't stop crying, we bandaged up the cut and laid him in his bed for a
while but we went on about our business.

Fourth Child: We told the child that if she were still bleeding in a few
minutes to come over here and we would see what we could do. When the child
came walking up to the door, we told her to stay outside because we didn't
want her bleeding on the carpet.

PACIFIER FALLS ON FLOOR
First Child: Mother picks it up, runs to the kitchen and disinfects it by
boiling in water for ten minutes. Then, after it cools down for ten minutes,
she gives it back to child.

Second Child: Mother picks it up, washes it off in hot water, blows on it to
cool it down, and gives it back to the child.

Third Child: Mother picks it up, licks it off, and gives it back to the
child.

Fourth child: Dog picks it up and licks it off. Mother gives it back to the
child.

The Woman You're Never Gonna Meet

The Woman You're Never Gonna Meet

She's a wonderful cook and keeps a spotless house.

She won't spend all your money; she has lots of her own.

When you're watching the game, she's quiet as a mouse.

She doesn't watch soaps or spend hours on the phone.

She never nags or bitches; she's always so sweet.

She looks good without make-up and is hotter than the law allows.

She is just perfect, and she's the girl you're NEVER going to meet!

Funny Jokes - Famous Jokes - Virus Alert

Funny Jokes - Famous Jokes - Virus Alert - Watch Out For These!

Security experts and federal government authorities warn that
offspring of the dangerous "I love you" e-mail virus are now on
the loose. As a public service, we present the following list of
"I Love You" mutations and how to recognize them.


The "I Love You, But I'm Shy" virus never actually invades your
computer, but collects data about it worshipfully from afar.

The "Love The One You're With" virus hangs around your computer,
but the whole thing is just temporary until it can find the
computer that it really wants to invade.

The "Happily Married" virus invades only one computer and stays
with it for life.

The "Unhappily Married" virus spends a long time negotiating with
a computer, finally invades it, and then strays to other computers
from time to time.

The "I Want A Divorce" virus sends repeated, hard-to-read messages
that your computer isn't working and takes half of your computer's
best data in an ugly network session.

The "Stalker" virus spends unnatural amount of time monitoring your
computer, collecting data your computer has thrown away and tries
to record all of its functions. And it writes rude messages to any
other computer with which yours connects on any regular basis.

The "Forever Single" virus causes your computer to focus solely on
other computers with which it is totally incompatible or prove
generally unavailable.

The "Deadbeat Dad" virus invades your computer, spawns an entirely
new database, then refuses to help update it as it grows.