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Abdicate - V. to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Balderdash - v. a rapidly receding hair line.

Bustard - n. a very rude bus driver.

Coffee - n. a person who is coughed upon.

Flabbergasted - adj. appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Flatulence - n. the emergency vehicle that picks up after you are run over by a steamroller.

Lymph - v. to walk with a lisp.

Negligent - adj. describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in a nightie.

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Funny Jokes - By The Book

The only thing the police had to go on was the book. It was the one
and only clue to the death of the young woman who lived alone in the
apartment above the alley.

Not a nice neighbourhood but that wasn't reason enough to be killed.

She'd been found by a friend earlier that evening.

There was some evidence of a struggle but the body was unmarked
except for a bruise on the left side of her head. Whoever did it used
the book to deliver the fatal blow. The corner was clearly dented and
some of the victim's hair was embedded in the cover.

The investigating officers concluded that it was probably a lover's
quarrel, but Chief Coltrane wasn't convinced.

''You say the book was the murder weapon?" He levelled his gaze at
the junior officers.

''That's right sir.''

''She have a boyfriend?''

''Still looking, sir, but the friend says she wasn't seeing anybody
on a regular basis.''

"Interesting,'' mused the Chief. He thought for a moment. ''You
hotshots get the name of the book?''

The officers looked around sheepishly. Then one of them said, "I
might have it in my notes.''

He took out his pad and thumbed the pages. He breathed a sigh of
relief when he found the title.

''Here it is right here, 'Mathematics 101 - An Introductory Text."'

He shot the Chief a questioning look.

Coltrane closed his eyes and shook his head. ''I was afraid of that.''

The officers were puzzled. ''Afraid of what?''

''A text book case,'' he answered, ''We got us a math murderer on
our hands.''

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Funny Jokes - Relationships - It all depends on your major!


It all depends on your major!

PSYCHOLOGY - Girl accuses guy of just using her as a substitute for
his Mother.

SOCIOLOGY - Each claims to have been oppressed in the relationship.

ARCHAEOLOGY - One tries to bury the past, and accuses the other of
trying to dig it up.

THEATRE - "OH! Life is... ENDED... as we KNOW it!"

BIOLOGY - "You just wanted to get in my genes!"

PHYSICS - Both resign themselves to the fact that what goes up must
come down.

JOURNALISM - "Today was the end of an era. Jack, 19, and Jill, 18,
called an end to their relationship of 2 weeks..."

WOMEN'S STUDIES - "HE did it!"

BUSINESS - Both decide that they're spending way too much money
together, and that it's simply cheaper to be single.

HISTORY - Each party gets "historical" and argues the breakup was
caused by something the other party did in the past.

GEOGRAPHY - Both people decide to simply move far away to avoid each

ANATOMY - "I never liked your body anyway."

ECONOMICS - Each party demands more than the other can supply.

MATHEMATICS - He felt she was too negative and she found him to be
irrational .

PHYSICAL EDUCATION - "It just didn't work-out."

POLITICAL SCIENCE - She discovered he had a mandate.

MUSIC - He felt her organ play was uninspired.

ART - Their break-up was not a pretty picture.

ACCOUNTING - Their time alone was too taxing.

CHEMISTRY - There was no solution to their problems.

EDUCATION - He failed to learn a lesson.

ZOOLOGY - "He/she is a pig!"

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Paris Hilton

Paris Hilton got arrested the other night for DUI. She got 3 points on her license. Thats more than she got on her SATs.

They did her blood test and found her blood type is O-NO!

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Barbies 4 Sale

Barbies 4 Sale :)

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he remembers that
it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks the
salesperson, "How much is the Barbie on the display window?"

The salesperson answers, "Which one? We have:

Work out Barbie for 19.95,

Shopping Barbie for $19.95,

Beach! Barbie for $19.95,

Disco Barbie for $19.95,

and Divorced Barbie for $265.95

The amazed father asks:

"What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"

The salesperson annoyingly answers:

"Sir..., "Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's
Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and One of Ken's Friends.

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It's Soooo Hot .

It's Soooo Hot . . . . . mychataddress
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It's Soooo Hot . . . .

This IS AZ in summer!

The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.

The trees are whistling for the dogs.

The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance. (TRUE!)

Hot water now comes out of both taps. (TRUE!)

You can make sun tea instantly.

You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron. (TRUE!)

The temperature drops below 95° F (35° C)
and you feel a little chilly. (TRUE!)

You discover that in August it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car. (TRUE!)

You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add
butter, salt and pepper.

Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled

The cows are giving evaporated milk.

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Dear Tech Support

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the
new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and
valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other
programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker
Night 10.3, Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my
favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the
uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

A Troubled User. ______________________________________

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a
Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is
designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete
Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 . It is impossible to uninstall, or
purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow
this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I
recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest
installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because
ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will
return to normal anyway. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be
very high maintenance . Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as
Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the
system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to
improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I
recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !
WARNING!!! DO NOT , under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short
Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause
irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

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Funny Jokes - Gates of Heaven

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.
She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her "Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.


The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.


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A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation.

The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open one of these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope.

The message read, "Blame your predecessor." The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO.

Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.

The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."

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The New Patio

The New Patio

My husband, Ray, was attempting to build a patio for the
first time. He bought 100 cement blocks. Laying them out
in a pattern, he discovered the chosen area was too small.

He stacked the blocks against the house and cleared more
space. The next day Ray put the cement blocks back down,
only to find that the ground was too hard to keep the
patio level.

He ordered a truckload of sand to be delivered the following
morning. Again he stacked the 100 blocks against the house.

Observing all this, our 'nosey' next-door neighbor asked,
"Hey! Ray, are you going to put that patio away 'EVERY'

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Man of the House

Man of the House

A man had just finished reading the book Man of the House while riding the commuter train home from work.

When he reached home, he stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing his finger in her face, he said, "From now on I want you to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law! You are to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife thought for a moment and responded, "The funeral director is my guess."

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Poor Casey

Poor Casey

Casey came home from the doctor looking very worried.
His wife said, "What's the problem?"

He said, "The doctor told me I have to take a pill every day
for the rest of my life."

She said, "So what? Lots of people have to take a pill every day
their whole lives."

He said, "I know, but he only gave me four pills!"

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Gems of Wisdom

following gems of wisdom were gleaned from test papers and essays from elementary, junior high, high school, and college students of USA. As one teacher noted, "It is truly astonishing what weird stuff our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades!"

1. "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin.
Hydrogin is gin and water."

2. "Blood flows down one leg and up the other."

3. "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them

4. "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

5. "Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."

6. "To prevent milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow."

7. "The parts of speech are lungs and air."

8. "The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes."

9. "A census taker is a man who goes from house to house increasing the

10. "Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris."

11. "The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and
you sit on the bottom."

12. "The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top
and plural at the bottom."

13. "Iron was discovered because someone smelt it."

14. "Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners."

15. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote
loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone
was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

16. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire's in
the East and the sun sets in the West.

17. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the fall
when the apples are falling off the trees.

18. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice
for the same offence.

19. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

20. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

21. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel.
Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very

22. The Greeks were a hi ghly sculptured people, and without them we
wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female

23. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.

24. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years.

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A Brain

Funny Jokes - A Brain

A brain walks into a bar and asks for a pint.

The barmaid says

"Sorry we can't serve you."

"You're out of your head."

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Blonde Jokes

Blonde Jokes

4 hightech blonde inventions:
---Waterproof towel
---Solar powered flashlight
---Book on how to read
----Pedal powered wheel chair.
Why did the blonde cut the sides of the capsule before taking it?
To avoid side effects.
A blonde man proposed to a girl. The girl said, "I'm a year older than you."
Blonde man said, "OK, no problem, I'll marry you next year."
Why was the blonde writing the exam near the door? Because it was an entrance exam.
A blonde's son: Dad, there is some one at the door collecting donations for a swimming pool.
Blonde dad: Give him a glass of water.
Blonde:I am a proud father, my son is in medical college.
Redhead: Really, what is he studying?
Blonde: He is not studying, they are studying him.

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Proverbs R Us
A first grade teacher had twenty-five students
in her class and she presented each child in
her class the first half of a well known proverb
and asked them to come up with the
remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe
these were actually done by first graders.
Their insight may surprise you. While reading
these keep in mind that these are first graders,
6-year-olds, because the last one is classic!

1 Don't change horses...............................
until they stop running.

2. Strike while the...........................................
bug is close.

3. Its always darkest before.......................
Daylight Saving Time.

4. Never underestimate the power of......

5. You can lead a horse to water but.................

6. Don't bite the hand that..... looks dirty.

7. No news is.................impossible.

8 A miss is as good as a....................................

9. You can't teach an old dog new ..................

10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll ...............
stink in the morning.

11. Love all, trust ............................................

12. The pen is mightier than the.......................

13. An idle mind is.....................................
the best way to relax.

14. Where there's smoke there's......

15. Happy the bride who...gets all the presents.

16. A penny saved is ............................................
not much.

17. Two's company, three's ..............................
the Musketeers.

18. Don't put off till tomorrow what...........
you put on to go to bed.

19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with
you, cry....... and you have to blow your nose.

20. There are none so blind as......
Stevie Wonder.

21. Children should be seen and not ......
spanked or grounded.

22. If at first you don't succeed................
get new batteries.

23. You get out of something only what you........
see in the picture on the box.

24. When the blind lead the blind .......................
get out of the way.

..... and the WINNER!

25. Better late than............pregnant.

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An orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. There is a long stretch in the symphony where the basses don't have anything to do. So they were allowed to go backstage during this time. When they got backstage, one suggested that they go to a bar across the street. After a couple beers, one player said they should go back. But another player said that he had tied a string around the last few pages of the conductor's score. That way, they would have a little extra time. Finally, after a couple more drinks, the bass players went back to the symphony. But they could tell right away that they were in trouble. It was the bottom of the Ninth, the basses were loaded and the score was tied.

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An atheist was quite incensed over the preparation for Easter and Passover holidays and decided to contact the local ACLU about the discrimination inflicted on atheists by the constant celebrations afforded to Christians and Jews with all their holidays while the atheists had no holidays for them to celebrate. The ACLU jumped on the opportunity to once again pick up the cause of the downtrodden and assigned their sharpest attorney to the case.

The case was brought up before a learned judge who after listening to the passionate presentation by the ACLU representative, promptly banged his gavel and said, "Case dismissed!"

The ACLU lawyer stood up and objected to the ruling and said, "Your honor, how can you dismiss this case? Surely the Christians have Christmas, Easter and many other observances. And the Jews, why in addition to Passover they have Yom Kippur and Hanukkah ... and yet my client and all other atheists have no such holiday!"

The judge leaned back in his chair and simply said, "Obviously your client is too confused to know about or for that matter even celebrate the atheists holiday!"

The ACLU lawyer pompously said, "We are aware of no such holiday for atheists ... just when might that be?"

The judge said, "Well it comes every year at the same time ... April 1st!"

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Left Something To Be Desired

As a trail guide in a national park, Danny ate with the rest of the seasonal staff in a rustic dining hall, where the food left something to be desired. When they were finished with their meals, they scraped the remains into a garbage pail and stacked the plates for the dishwasher.

One worker, apparently not too happy after his first week on the job, was ahead of Danny in line. As he slopped an uneaten plate of food into the garbage, Danny heard him mutter, "Now STAY there this time."

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Marriage Jokes - The Ten Commandments of Marriage - Funny Jokes

Marriage Jokes - The Ten Commandments of Marriage - Funny Jokes

Commandment 1.
Marriages are made in heaven. But, so are thunder and
Commandment 2.
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word
you say, talk in your sleep.
Commandment 3.
Marriage is grand —- and divorce is at least 100 grand!
Commandment 4.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the
man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.
Commandment 5.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of
one thing :
Either the car is new or the wife is.
Commandment 6.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one;
The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Commandment 7.
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about
something you say.
After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Commandment 8.
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical,
and a good cook.
But the law allows only one wife.
Commandment 9.
Marriage and love are purely matters of chemistry.
That is why a wife treats her husband like toxic waste.
Commandment 10..
A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished.




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Food Jokes - A Guide To Food Spoilage For Bachelors

A Guide To Food Spoilage For Bachelors.....

Eggs: When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg
is probably past its prime.

Meat: If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a 3
block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.

Flour: If it's spoiled.

Lettuce: Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom
of the vegetable crisper without Comet. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when
it turns liquid.

Raisins: Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.

Potatoes: Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches or dense, leafy

Chip dip: If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the
floor, it has gone bad.

Unmarked item: You know its well beyond its prime when you're tempted
to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking,
Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them.

Frozen food: Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the
defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be
spoiled (or wrecked, anyway) by the time you pry them out with a
hammer and knife.

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Public Service Announcement

Public Service Announcement

In a press release today, the National Institute of Health has
announced the discovery of a potentially dangerous substance
in the hair of dogs. This substance, called "amo-bacter canis"
has been linked with the following symptoms in female humans:

Reluctance to cook
Reluctance to perform housework
Reluctance to wear anything but jeans or sweats
Reluctance to work except in support of a dog
Physical craving for contact with dogs (may be an addiction)
Beware: If you come in contact with a female human affected by
this substance, be prepared to talk about dogs for hours on end.

This has been a Public Service Announcement

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The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers
to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting,
or changing of one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are this year's winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders
the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts
until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that
stops bright ideas from penetrating.
The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down
in the near future.

6. Appears to have been lost in one of the forwards.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and
the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

12. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all
these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and
it's like, a serious bummer.

13. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the
day Consuming only things that are good for you.

14. Glibido: All talk and no action.

15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter
when they come at you rapidly.

16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just
after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets
into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm
in the fruit you're eating.

Glenn Reynolds won the Blog of the Day Awards on Labor Day.

Will he pick up his Award or "diss" the Judges opinions?

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In the hospital

In the hospital

Anyone who has ever had a loved one in the hospital will enjoy this:

A woman called a local hospital. "Hello. Could you connect me to the person
who gives information about patients. I'd like to find out if a patient is
getting better, doing as expected, or getting worse."

The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient's name and room

"Sarah Finkel, room 302."

I'll connect you with the nursing station."

"3rd floor Nursing Station. How can I help You?"

"I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302."

"Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well.
In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, to be taken
off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this
improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon."

The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic .. that's wonderful

The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family
member or a very close friend!"

"Neither! I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me a thing."

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Star Trek

Star Trek

The Iranian ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and
walked out into the lobby where he met the United States ambassador,
John Bolton.

They exchanged pleasantries and as they walked the Iranian said, "You
know I have just one question about what I have seen in America."

Ambassador Bolton said, "Well anything I can do to help you, I will."

The Iranian whispered, "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it
there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, and Sulu who
is Chinese, but no Iranians.
My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Arabs
or Muslims on Star Trek."

Bolton laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador and whispered
back, "It's because it takes place in the future."

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Mystery Photo

A old businessman enters a tavern, sits down
at the bar, and orders a double martini
on the rocks. After he finishes the drink,
he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he
orders the bartender to prepare another
double martini.

After he finishes that one, he again peeks
inside his shirt pocket and orders the
bartender to bring another double martini.

The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring
ya' martinis all night long. But you gotta tell
me why you look inside your shirt pocket
before you order a refill."

The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a
photo of my wife. When she starts to look
good, then I know it's time to go home."

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Marriage Experiences

Marriage Experiences

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
~ Milton Berle

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than
electronic banking. It's called marriage."
~ James Holt McGavran

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must
be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
~ David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let
him keep her.
~ Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just
can't face each other, but still they stay together.
~ Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you
get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
~ Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
~ Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is,
"What does a woman want?
~ Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
~ Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go
to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft
music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
~ Henry Youngman

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
~ Sam Kinison

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the
second one didn't."
~ Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong,
admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
~ Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget
it once... - Anonymous

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
~ Rodney Dangerfield

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
~ Anonymous

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he
received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can
have mine." - Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy "You're lucky,
mine's still alive." - Anonymous

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Comebacks to the age old question - "Why aren't you married yet?"

You haven't asked yet.

I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.

What? And spoil my great life?

Because I just love hearing this question.

It gives my mother something to live for.

My fiance is awaiting parole.

I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss America.

I'm waiting until I get to be your age.

It didn't seem worth a blood test.

I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.

I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.
What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?

I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.

Why aren't you thin?

I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial

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The Real Garden Of Eden

The Real Garden Of Eden

One day, God and Adam were walking in the Garden of Eden. God told
Adam that it was time to populate the Earth.
"Adam, you can start by kissing Eve."
"Lord, what is a kiss?" asked Adam.
God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush and kissed her.
A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord!
That was great! What's next?"
"Adam, I now want you to caress Eve."
"Lord, what is caress?" asked Adam.
God explained, then Adam took Eve behind the bush and caressed her.
A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord
that was even better than a kiss! What's next?"
"Here is what gets the deed done. I now want you to make love to Eve."
"Lord, what is make love?" asked Adam.
God explained, then Adam took Eve behind the bush.
A few seconds later, Adam returned and asked, "Lord, what is a headache?"

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The Atheist

The Atheist

An atheist was walking through the woods. He said
to himself:
"What majestic trees!"
"What powerful rivers!"
"What beautiful animals!"
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes
behind him.
He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charging towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path.
He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer.
He tripped & fell on the ground
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of
him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!!!"
Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.
"You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist, and
even credit creation to cosmic accident."
"Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to
suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the
BEAR a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice.
The light went out.
The sounds of the forest resumed.
And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head
& spoke:
"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through
Christ our Lord, Amen"

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