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10.29.2006

The Farmer's Donkey

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a
well. The animal cried piteously for hours as
the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and
the well needed to be covered up anyway;
it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and
help him. They all grabbed a shovel and
began to shovel dirt into the well.
At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly.
Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally
looked down the well. He was astonished at
what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back,
the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a
step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel
dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it
off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone
was amazed as the donkey stepped up over
the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Friend, Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt.
The trick to getting out of the
well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each
of our troubles is a steppingstone.
We can get out of life's deepest wells just by not stopping,
and never giving up! Shake it off and take a
step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

Free your mind from worries -
Most never happen.

Live simply and appreciate what you have.

Give more. Expect less.

- Author Unknown


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10.28.2006

Halloween Jokes - Joke of the Day - Geriatrics Halloween

Halloween Jokes - Joke of the Day
Geriatrics Halloween



EIGHT SIGNS YOU ARE TOO OLD TO BE TRICK OR TREATING

8. You get winded from knocking on the door.

7. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

6. You ask for high fiber candy only.

5. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance
and fall over.

4. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not wearing a
mask.

3. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the
rest.

2. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your
hairpiece.

1. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

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10.26.2006

Funny Jokes - is SEX: work or play????

Funny Jokes - is SEX: work or play????


A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin
because he is not sure if sex is work or play. He asks
a priest for his opinion on this question.

The priest says after consulting the Bible, "My son,
after an exhaustive search, I am positive sex is work
and is not permitted on the Sabbath."

The man thinks, "What does a priest know about sex?"
So he goes to minister, an experience married man, for
the answer.

He queries the minister and receives the same reply.
'Sex is work and not for the Sabbath!'

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate
authority, a man of thousands of years tradition and
knowledge: a rabbi.

The rabbi ponders the question and states, "My son,
sex is definitely play."

The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when
so many others tell me sex is work?!"

The rabbi speaks softly, "If sex were work, my wife
would have the maid do it."

http://funnydirtyjokes.blogspot.com/

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10.24.2006

Funny Jokes - BLACK MAGIC???

Funny Jokes - BLACK MAGIC???



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An old man and woman were married for years even
though they hated each other. When they had a fight,
screams and yelling could be heard deep into the
night.

A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who
feared the man the most... "When I die I will dig my
way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt
you for the rest of your life!"

They believed he practiced black magic and was
responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange
sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the
respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the
funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the
wife went straight to the local bar and began to
party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her
actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors
approached in a group to ask these questions:

Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this
man who practiced black magic and stated when he
died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to
come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

The wife put down her drink and said. . .
"Nah... let the old man dig. I had him buried upside
down!"

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10.23.2006

Bathing Suit Shopping

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of
bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had
even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"
"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."

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10.19.2006

I don't like the looks of your wife...

A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like
the looks of your wife." "Me neither doc," said the husband, "But she's a
great cook and really good with the kids."

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10.17.2006

Globalization

Globalization

  An English PRINCESS Diana
  With an Egyptian Boyfriend
  Crashes in French Tunnel
  Driven in a German Car
  With a Dutch Engine,
  Driven by a dead drunk Belgian
  On Scottish Whiskey
  Followed closely by an Italian paparazzi,
  ON Japanese motorbike
  Treated by an Americano DOCTOR
  USING Brazilian Medicines
  You receive this information from an Indian American
  Reading on your computer that uses Taiwanese Chips,
  And a Korean Monitor
  Assembled by Bangladeshi WORKERS
  In a Chinese plant in Singapore
  Transported by Indian truck drivers
  Hijacked by Indonesians
  Unloaded by Sicilian Longshoremen
  And trucked to you by Mexican border crossers

Thanks Globalization
your time has come to stay

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10.14.2006

Senior personal ads seen in Florida newspapers:

Personal Ads from Seniors


FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty,
80's, slim, 5'4" (used to be 5'6"), searching for sharp-looking,
sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.


LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am
looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness
of breath not a problem.


SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and
meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our
hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.


WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated
flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.


BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro
on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy
chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my
eight-track tapes.


MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can
remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.


MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new
parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks
well.


Who says seniors don't have a sense of humor?


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Puppy Poem


This morning, I woke up & kissed my dad's head.
I peed on the carpet, then went back to bed.
"The life of a puppy, oh my, this is great."
Then I thought about breakfast," I hope it's not late."
Mom took me outside, we walked for a while.
This never fails to make Mama smile.
I sniffed of everything, that we did pass,
I ate something weird - it gave me gas.
I'm sure God loves me, I know that is true.
He gave me so many great things to chew.
Rugs, plants or rocks, I really don't care.
What I truly like best, is Dad's underwear.
That obedience book, was sort of yummy.
Though it didn't sit well on my poor puppy tummy.
I threw up a bit, but that was all right,
When Mom found it later, I was well out of sight.
I made streamers of T.P., while running at full speed.
Mom is pretty quick -- but I was still in the lead.
I flew under the bed, and Mom flew past,
She stopped-shook her head, and breathed,
"You're too fast." Mama later phoned Daddy,
and said, "It was frightening!"
That afternoon, she was sure I'd pooped lightning.
She'd sat at the computer, while I chewed the cord,
She thought I was mad, but I was just bored.
When Mama had enough, couldn't take anymore,
That's when my tushy got shoved out the door.
I love it inside, but outside is best.
Lay in the cool grass, and had a good rest.
That didn't last long, there was too much to do--
Can't quite remember where I hid Daddy's shoe.
I found an old bone, and scratched at a flea,
I watched the dumb squirrels as they jumped in a tree.
I barked at the kids, when they got off the bus.
I can't figure out why this makes Mama fuss.
I barked at the neighbor, I barked at the wind.
I barked and barked, till Mom yelled, "COME IN."
The sun dipped in the west-soon Daddy would come!
I sure love my daddy: we always have fun.
I barked at my daddy, then turned on my charms,
I woo-wooed, "Hello," then jumped in his arms.
Sitting under the table -- it's sooo hard to wait.
Daddy slipped me a goodie right off his plate.
I raced through the house, and scattered my toys,
Ricocheted off the furniture, and made lots of noise.
Mom found her purse - the one I abused.
Daddy let loose a chuckle. Mom asked "Amused??"
I cowered down low, I must be in trouble.
Dad said, "Wasn't MY boy, it must be his double!"
Mom turned off the TV, and said," Time for bed."
Dad said "Let's go boy," and patted my head.
I got in my spot, between Mom and Dad,
I thought 'bout my day and what fun I had.
Mama kicked out my bone from the covers below,
Then let loose a sigh -- a sigh deep and low.
She gave me a kiss, and snuggled me tight,
And whispered so softly, 'My darling goodnight'.







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What's the definition of the bravest man in the world

The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of perfume, then slaps his wife on the backside and says:

"You're next, fatty ."


Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is lying in bed reading.

Man says: "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."

Wife replies: "I think you'll find, that is a sheep."

Man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."



A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, "What are you doing?" She answers, "I'm moving to Sydney.

I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 a time for doing what I do for you for free."

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too I want to see how you live on $800 a year".


A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
* 2 litres of low fat milk
* a carton of eggs
* 2 litres of orange juice
* a head of lettuce
* half a dozen tomatoes
* a 500g jar of coffee
* a 250g pack of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, A drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,"You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the Drunk as to her Marital status.


Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."


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10.13.2006

A tale of a jogger

Funny Jokes - A tale of a jogger

You see there was this jogger. He was regular in his exercise and
quite punctual.

Every morning he'd follow the same route, passing the same bagel
cart. And each day he'd toss 60 cents onto the counter of the
bagel cart as he passed.

And, no, this does not define a yuppy jog-by coining...

One day he was hewing to his usual habit when he noticed that
the guy at the bagel cart had taken after him and was calling
for him to stop.

He stopped, waited for the bagel guy to catch up, and then said,
"I know, I know, you want to know why I drop 60 cents on your
counter each day, right?"

"No, that's not it," replied the bagel cart guy, "I just thought
you should know that bagels are now 75 cents each."

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10.11.2006

Top 30 Signs You've Joined a Cheap HMO

Top 30 Signs You've Joined a Cheap HMO
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
1. Pedal-powered dialysis machines.
2. Use of antibiotics deemed an "unauthorized experimental procedure,"
3. Head-wound victim in the waiting room is on the last chapter of "War and Peace,"
4. You ask for Viagra. You get a popsicle stick and duct tape.
5. Annual breast exam conducted at hooters.
6. Exam room has a tip jar.
7. You swear you saw salad tongs and a crab fork on the instrument tray just before the anesthesia kicked in.
8. "Will you be paying in eggs or pelts?"
9. Tight budget prevents acquisition of separate rectal thermometers.
10. "Take two leeches and call me in the morning,"
11. The company logo features a hand squeezing a bleeding turnip.
12. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.
13. Covered postnatal care consists of leaving your baby on Mia Farrow's doorstep.
14. Radiation treatment for cancer patients requires them to walk around with a postcard from Chernobyl in their pocket.
15."Pre-natal vitamin" prescription is a box of Tic-Tacs.
16. Chief Surgeon graduated from University of Benihana.
17. Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left when you enter the trailer park,"
18. Doctor listens to your heart through a paper towel tube.
19. Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is "an apple a day,"
20. Only participating Physicians are Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine.
21. Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
22. Plan covers only "group" gynecological exams.
23. Preprinted prescription pads that say "Walk it off, candy ass,"
24. To avoid a time consuming and expensive throat culture, the doctor just French kisses you.
25. Recycled bandages.
26. You can get your flu shot as soon as "the" hypodermic needle is dry.
27. Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to goodwill last month.
28. 24-hour claims line is 1-800-TUF-LUCK
29. Costly MRI equipment efficiently replaced by an oversized 2-sided copier.
30. Enema? The lavatory faucet swivels to face upward.

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10.10.2006

IRS

Our government really takes care of us. They even give us free income tax
forms!

Author Unknown

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10.06.2006

A Different Approach?

A Different Approach?

Trying to determine why production had declined in a plant, an
efficiency expert asked the company's human resources director, "How
many of your employees are approaching retirement age?"

"Well," replied the director, "we haven't got any going the other way."

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10.05.2006

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH !!

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH !!

It's time to reevaluate our involvement!

Every day there are news reports about more deaths. Every night
on TV there are photos of death and destruction. Why are we still
there?

We occupied this land, which we had to take by force, but it causes
us nothing but trouble. Why are we still there?

Many of our children go there and never come back. Why are we still
there?

Their government is unstable, and they have loopy leadership. Why
are we still there?

Many of their people are uncivilized. Why are we still there?

The place is subject to natural disasters, which we are supposed
to bail them out of. Why are we still there?

There are more than 1000 religious sects, which we do not
understand. Why are we still there?

Their folkways, foods and fads are unfathomable to ordinary
Americans. Why are we still there?

We can't even secure the borders. Why are we still there?

They are billions of dollars in debt and it will cost billions
more to rebuild, which we can't afford. Why are we still there?

It is becoming clear ... WE MUST PULL OUT OF CALIFORNIA !!!

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Owed Two A Spell Chequer

Owed Two A Spell Chequer:

I halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plane lee marques four my revue
Miss steaks aye ken knot sea

Eye ran this poem threw it
Your sure reel glad two no
It's vary polished in it's weigh
My chequer tolled me sew

A chequer is a bless sing
It freeze yew lodes of thyme
It helps me awl stiles two reed
And aides mi when aye rime

To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud
And wee mussed dew the best wee can
Sew flaws are knot aloud

And now bee cause my spelling
is checked with such grate flare
Their are know faults with in my cite
Of nun eye am a wear

Each frays come posed up on my screen
Eye trussed to be a joule
The chequer poured o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule

That's why aye brake in two averse
My righting wants too pleas
Sow now ewe sea wye aye dew prays
Such soft wear for pea seas

(Note: this is attributed to "Percy Dovetonsils" but I am unable to verify that
this is true.)

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CAMEL TIME

CAMEL TIME
Some Americans were touring the marketplace and one of them saw a man on the
ground brushing his camel. "Excuse me, sir," the American said. "Do you know
the time?"

The Arab looked at the American. The he reached over and held the camel's
balls, moving them slightly. "Ten after two," he said, at last.

"My word!" said the American. He caught up to his tour group and insisted
some of the others return with him, "You've never seen anything like this!"
he promised.

The group went back with him. Again he asked for the time and again the Arab
camel driver reached for the camel's balls. He seemed to be weighing them as
he moved them to and fro. Finally, he announced, "Twenty-one minutes past
two."

The others were amazed. They went on their way, but the original discoverer
of the miracle time-teller remained. He leaned over. "Listen," he confided
to the Arab. "I'll give you twenty dollars if you show me how you do that."

The Arab camel driver thought for a moment and then nodded. Pocketing the
twenty-dollar bill, he beckoned for the American to kneel down where he was.
Then he took the camel's balls and gently moved them to the side, out of the
way and said, "Do you see that clock over there?"

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10.04.2006

The Computers Swallowed Grandma


Yes, honestly, its true.
She pressed 'control' and 'enter'
And disappeared from view.
It's devoured her, completely.
The thought just makes me squirm.
Maybe she's caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.
I've searched through the recycle bin
And files of every kind.
I've even used the Internet.
But, nothing did I find.
In desperation, I asked Jeeves;
My searches to refine.
The reply, from him, was negative;
Not a thing was found 'online'.
So, if, inside your 'In Box',
My Grandma you should see ~
Please 'Scan', 'Copy', and 'Paste' her
In an e-mail back to me.
* author unknown


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10.02.2006

De frog and de snake

De frog and de snake

Boudreaux been fish'n down by de bayou all day an' he done run outa
night crawlers. He be bout reddy to leave when he seen a snake wit a big
frog in his mouf. He knowed dat dem big bass fish like frogs, so he decided
to steal dat froggie.

Dat snake, he be a cotton moufed water moccasin so he had to be real
careful or he'd get bit. He snuk up behine de snake and grabbed him roun de
haid. Dat ole snake din't lak dat one bit. He squirmed and wrapped hisself
roun Boudreaux's arm try'n to get hisself free. But Boudreaux, him, had a
real good grip on his haid, yeh.

Well, Boudreaux pried his mouf open and got de frog and puts it in his
bait can. Now, Boudreaux knows dat he cain't let go dat snake or he's gonna
bite him good, but he had a plan.

He reach into de back pocket of his bib overhauls and pulls out a pint
a moonshine likker. He pour some drops into de snake's mouf. Well, dat
snake's eyeballs roll back in his haid and his body go limp.

Wit dat Boudreaux toss dat snake into de bayou. Den he goes back to
fishin'. A while later Boudreaux dun feel
sumpin tappin' on his barefoot toe.

He slowly look down and dare dat water moccasin was

........wit' two more frogs.

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check it out

check it out

The neighbor's kid started to work at a local burger joint on a Saturday and therefore received his first paycheck that Saturday night, just so he would not be out of sync with the other workers. "Wow, look at this!" he shouted, waving his paycheck around for everybody in the family to see Ninety-seven fifty-six. Ninety-seven fifty-six.

Ninety-seven fifty-six! And for just one day! I'm gonna be rich."

"Lemme see that," said he dad. "Ah, son, that's the CHECK NUMBER!"

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