the radiant bride

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.

The guests in the front pews, and the minister, responded with ripples of laughter. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride had given him back his credit card

The shipwrecked sailor

The shipwrecked sailor had spent several years on a deserted
island. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship
offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him.

When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge
handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told
him, "With the captain's compliments. He said to read
through these and let us know if you still want to be
rescued."

Good old Irish humor

Good old Irish humor

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important
meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said,
Lord take pity on me. If you find me aparking place I will go to Mass every
Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey".

Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said,
"Never mind, I found one!"
*************************************************************************

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he
meets,
"Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against
the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to
heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father.

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you
die you don't want to go to heaven?!"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group
together to go right now!"
*************************************************************************

O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd
been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother
him and he went to confession to repent.

"Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing
wood from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest.

"I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?"

O'Toole said, "Sure, Father. if you have the plans, I've got the lumber!"
****************************************************************************

Paddy was in New York, patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a
busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted,
Okay pedestrians". Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went
over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?!"
**************************************************************************
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the
obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.
"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
*****************************************************************

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding
in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath
and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir,
have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's gone and again!"

In the hospital

In the hospital

Anyone who has ever had a loved one in the hospital will enjoy this:

A woman called a local hospital. "Hello. Could you connect me to the person
who gives information about patients. I'd like to find out if a patient is
getting better, doing as expected, or getting worse."

The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient's name and room
number?"

"Sarah Finkel, room 302."

I'll connect you with the nursing station."

"3rd floor Nursing Station. How can I help You?"

"I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302."

"Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well.
In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, to be taken
off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this
improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon."

The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic .. that's wonderful
news!"

The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family
member or a very close friend!"

"Neither! I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me a thing."

Benjamin Franklin

We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid.
- Benjamin Franklin

Life Quotes

"Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes."
Lewis Grizzard

Funny Jokes - Oneliners

You can always tell a man who is a non-
conformist, because he looks just like
every other non-conformist.

My secretary stopped answering the
phone. She said, "It's always for
you."

A better deadline for our taxes than
April 15 . . . how about February
31?

Goodbye, tension ... Hello, pension!

God gives every bird it's food ... but he
doesn't throw it into its nest.

Hindsight is an exact science.

Forget the health food. I need all the
preservatives I can get.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning
much when your mouth is moving.

Forbidden fruit creates many jams.

History repeats itself anyway . . .
plagiarism saves time.

2 people in every 1 is a schizophrenic.

Forgive your enemies. It messes with
their heads.

Our government really takes care of us.
They even give us free income tax forms!

Medicine may be the only profession
that labors incessantly to destroy the
reason for its own existence.

The world has seen many spectacular
advances in communications (with
satellites and all), but the quickest is
still the "wink".

The reason that there were fewer accidents
in the horse and buggy days is that drivers
didn't have to depend wholly on their own
intelligence.

The County Water Department is hiring!
Applicants must be rude and be able to keep
customers on hold for at least 45 minutes.

Utility is when you have one telephone;
Luxury is when you have two and
Paradise is when you have none.

It's astonishing how politicians never say
anything, yet always insist they're being
misquoted!

A journey of a thousand miles begins with
a cash advance.

People seem to get nostalgic about a lot
of things they weren't so crazy about the
first time around.

At graduation time, millions of graduates
go out to seek their fortunes, while millions
of parents try to rebuild theirs.

The laws barring felons the right to vote
will gradually be changed as the politicians
begin getting paroled.

These days, if you have green money it's
gone bad.

A pessimist is an optimist who's been
to Las Vegas.

It's a wise father who burns all his old
report cards.

Average oil company profits skyrocket.
Mission accomplished!

Things always look better when you can't
see them.

Some people have all the commitment of
a kamikaze pilot on his tenth mission.

If you want the last word in an argument,
say, "You're right."

It's nice to be remembered, but it's safer
to be forgotten.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

No matter what goes wrong, there is always
somebody who knew it would.

It's a miracle that curiosity survives formal
education.

One of the best things people can have up
their sleeves is a funny bone.

Why don't Spanish channels have English
translations?

A critic is a man who knows the way but
can't drive the car.

What you don't see with your eyes, don't
invent with your mouth.

A lawyer is someone who writes an
eighty-page document and calls it a brief!

Funny Jokes - Ants

Where do ants go to eat?
At a restaurant!

What do you call an ant with five pairs of eyes?
Antteneye!

What do you call an ant with frogs legs?
An antphibian!

What kind of ants are very learned?
Pedants!

What do you call a smart ant?
Elegant!

What do you call an ant who can't play the piano?
Discordant!

What kind of ant is good at maths?
An accountant!

How come if ants are always so busy they always get time to show up at picnics?

How many ants are needed to fill an apartment?
Ten ants!

Funny Jokes - Wedding Dress

When my sister Andrea got married, she asked to wear my mother's
wedding dress. The day she tried it on for the first time I was
sitting with Mother in the living room as Andrea descended the stairs.
The gown was a perfect fit on her petite frame. Mother's eyes welled
with tears. I put my arm around her.

"You're not losing a daughter," I reminded her in time-honored
fashion. "You're gaining a son."

"Oh, forget about that!" she said with a sob. "I used to fit into that dress!"

Here's your sign

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid"
That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them
anything. It would be like, "Excuse me... oops, never mind, didn't
see your sign."

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes
and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My neighbor comes over
and says "Hey,you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or
twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we
pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of
bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them
fish?" "Nope. Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel.
There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way
to test it. Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks
good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell
us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my
sign. I don't wanna lose it.

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those
side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my
truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't
resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three
just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to
the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back
to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the
exhaust pipe, then says, Darn that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing
his sign, I could have stopped him.

I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't
you know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and
I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help
and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went
through his basic questioning..ok..no problem. I thought sure he was
clear of needing a sign...until he asked, So..is your truck stuck?" I
couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and
then back to him and said "no I'm delivering' a bridge... here's your
sign."

I stayed late at work one night and a co-worker looked at me and
said "Are you still here?" I replied, "No. I left about 10 minutes ago.
Here's your sign."

Anybody you know need a sign today?

The next time someone says something stupid ask them where their sign
is.

Funny Jokes - Roast Ghost

Funny Jokes - Roast Ghost

KAY MARTIN, a secretary to a New Zealand MP, got the
fright of her life a few weeks ago. According to the Auckland
Sunday Star, she and a friend were chatting over a drink
when they heard a chicken squawking. The bird sounded
in some distress, so they went outside to investigate,
thinking perhaps that it had escaped from one of the
neighbors. But there were no chickens anywhere.

Then Martin realized with horror that the sound was
coming from her own kitchen--coming, in fact, from the
oven, where she had put a chicken in to roast half an
hour earlier. "It was as if it was shrieking at me from
its grave," she says. "It was so bizarre I just froze."

As they approached the oven, the squawking reached
a crescendo. They took the tray out, and as the chicken
began to cool, the squawking died away. Martin
chopped the neck off and threw it in the sink. She
noticed that the vocal chords were intact.

"Steam was coming up the neck from the stuffing,"
says Martin, and this had caused the dead bird to
squawk.

She has not cooked chicken since.

Funny Jokes - Retirement Plan

Researchers at an Austrian University may face ethics charges for using human corpses as crash-test dummies.

See, that's what happens when you don't have a good social security system. People have to keep working after their dead.

You're dead and you still can't afford to retire.

Thanksgiving Quotes

More Quotes

Before you go out into the world, wash your face in the clear crystal of praise. Bury each yesterday in the fine linen and spices of thankfulness.
- Charles Spurgeon

The unthankful heart… discovers no mercies; but let the thankful heart sweep through the day and, as the magnet finds the iron, so it will find, in every hour, some heavenly blessings!
- Henry Ward Beecher

Who does not thank for little will not thank for much.
- Estonian proverb

Funny jokes - Quaker Warning

Funny jokes - Quaker Warning

A burglar broke into the house of a Quaker in the middle of the night and started to rob it. The Quaker heard the noise and went downstairs with his shotgun.

When he found the burglar he pointed his gun at him and said gently, "Friend, I mean thee no harm, but thou standest where I am about to shoot!"

Happy Thanksgiving - Martha Stewart Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving - Martha Stewart Thanksgiving

Not!

To All Our Family and Friends:

Just a note to let you know we are hoping to see you Thanksgiving Day. But.... Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. I'm telling you in advance, so don't act surprised.
Since Ms. Stewart won't be coming, I've made a few small changes:

Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries. After a trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.

Once inside, our guests will note that the entry hall is not decorated with the swags of Indian corn and fall foliage I had planned to make. Instead, I've gotten the kids involved in the decorating by having them track in colorful autumn leaves from the front yard. The mud was their idea.

The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china, or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match and everyone will get a fork. Since this IS Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the plastic Peter Rabbit plate and the Santa napkins from last Christmas.

Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I promised. Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-like decoration hand-crafted from the finest construction paper.
The artist assures me it is a turkey.

We will be dining fashionably late. The children will entertain you while you wait. I'm sure they will be happy to share every choice comment I have made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims and the turkey hotline. Please remember that most of these comments were made at 5:00 a.m. upon discovering that the turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds.

As accompaniment to the children's recital, I will play a recording of tribal drumming. If the children should mention that I don't own a recording of tribal drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them. They are lying.

We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the start of our feast. In the end, we chose to keep our traditional method. We've also decided against a formal seating arrangement. When the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you like. In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit at a separate table. In a separate room. Next door.

Now, I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not be happening at our dinner. For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private ceremony. I stress "private" meaning: Do not, under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do not send small, unsuspecting children to check on my progress. I have an electric knife. The turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason that I will eventually win. When I do, we will eat.

I would like to take this opportunity to remind my young diners that "passing the rolls" is not a football play. Nor is it a request to bean your sister in the head with warm tasty bread.

Oh, and one reminder for the adults: For the duration of the meal, and especially while in the presence of young diners, we will refer to the giblet gravy by its lesser-known name: Cheese Sauce.
If a young diner questions you regarding the origins or type of Cheese Sauce, plead ignorance. Cheese Sauce stains.

Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a choice between 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream and small fingerprints. You will still have a choice; take it or leave it. I hope you aren't too disappointed that Martha Stewart
will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. She probably won't come next year either.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!!


Thanksgiving Recipes
Thanksgiving Quotes
Thanksgiving Jokes
Thanksgiving Recipes
Thanksgiving Quotes
Thanksgiving Quotes

Funny Jokes - Chinese Laundry

Funny Jokes - Chinese Laundry

A woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry.

When it comes back there are still stains in her panties. So the next week she encloses a note to the Chinese man that says, "USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"

This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to the laundry. "USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"

Finally fed up the Chinese man responded with his own note that said, "USE MORE PAPER ON REAR END!!!"

Famous Quotes

Tickle Me Elmo

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which
makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs
when
you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory
and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00
AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the
Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open
the door and begins to rant about the new
employee.


He complains that she is incredibly slow and the
whole line is backing up, putting the entire
production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this
for himself, so the 2 men march down to the
factory
floor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that
there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory
floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by
mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of
plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little
piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and
begins to carefully sew the little package between
Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.

After several minutes of hysterics he pulls
himself
together and approaches Lena.

"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep
a
straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the
instructions I gave you yesterday..

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

Funny Jokes - Outrunning a Bear

Outrunning a Bear

Two guys are being chased by a bear, when one stops to put on his sneakers.
The other guy yells, "You idiot, you can't outrun a bear."
The first guy gasps, "I don't have to outrun a bear - I just have to outrun you."

Funny Jokes - Parrot

So there's this magician working on a small cruise
ship. He's been
doing his routines every night for a year or two
now. The audiences
appreciate him, and they change over often enough
that he doesn't have
to worry too much about new tricks. However, there's
this parrot who
sits in the back row and watches him night after
night, year after
year. Finally, the parrot figures out how the tricks
work and starts
giving it away for the audience. For example, when
the magician makes
a bouquet of flowers disappear, the parrot squawks
"Behind his back!
Behind his back!" Well, the magician get really
annoyed at this, but
he doesn't know what to do. The parrot belongs to
the Captain, so he
can't just kill it.
One day, the ship springs a leak and sinks. The
magician manages to
swim to a plank of wood floating by and grabs on.
The parrot is
sitting on the other end of the plank. The just
stare at each other
and drift. They drift for 3 days and still don't
speak. On the morning
of the fourth day, the parrot looks over at the
magician and
says: "OK, I give up. Where did you hide the ship?"

Funny Jokes - Lion TAmer

Once there was a circus that was without a doubt
the best circus in
the world because it boasted the best lion tamer in
the world. He was
spectacular, the lions would do whatever he said,
the high point of
course was that he would stick his head in a lion's
mouth.
When the circus started losing money the owner
started selling off
animals and equipment to help meet expenses.
He called the Lion Tamer into his office.
"I'd really like to keep you on, because you keep
the circus going,"
the owner said. "But I've had to sell your lions
because they cost
too much to feed. Still, you're good, and we need
you, so if you can
come up with an act with what we have left, you've
got a job."
"Well, I do need a job," the Lion Tamer said. "What
animals do you
have left?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," the owner said, "the
only animal I
have left is my faithful old Bassett hound. I'd
never sell him!"
"I'll take him," said the Tamer.
So the Lion Tamer worked with the Bassett hound and
taught him the
entire lion act.
The dog caught on right away, but there was a
problem: no way was
the Lion Tamer's head going to fit into the dog's
mouth. "My foot
will fit," the Lion Tamer said, so he tried it, and
sure enough the
dog picked that up too.
Opening night, the Lion Tamer did the act with the
Bassett hound,
and the crowd loved it. They'd never seen anything
like it before.
At the end of the act, when the Lion Tamer put his
foot into the
dog's mouth, the crowd went wild.
"Encore, encore!" the crowd yelled.
Well, the Lion Tamer hadn't thought of an encore
before, so he
thought to himself, "If one foot is good, two is
better."
So he stuck his other foot into the dog's mouth.
Well, the two feet together are almost as big as
the dog's head, so
the dog was choking and gasping, and finally out of
self-
preservation, he clamped his jaws shut, biting off
the Lion Tamer's
legs at mid-calf.
The moral of the story is:
Don't put all your legs in one Bassett.

Quotes


Joke of the Day
Funny Jokes

Funny Jokes - If Airlines Sold Paint

Funny Jokes - If Airlines Sold Paint

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?

Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.

Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?

Clerk: Our lowest price is £12 a gallon, and we have 60 different
prices up to £200 a gallon.

Customer: What's the difference in the paint?

Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.

Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that £12 paint.

Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?

Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.

Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the £200 paint.

Customer: When would I have to paint to get the £12 paint?

Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks
But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that
week and continue painting until at least Sunday.

Customer: You've got to be *&%#ing kidding!

Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.

Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!

Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell only
a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way,
the price per gallon just went to £16. We don't have any more £12 paint.

Customer: The price went up as we were talking?

Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a
day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your
paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your
paint as soon as ossible. How many gallons do you want?

Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have enough.

Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't use
it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you
already have.

Customer: WHAT?

Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall
and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the
bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.

Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already
paid you for it!

Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used,
every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems.

Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I
don't keep painting until after Saturday night!

Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the £200
paint.

Customer: But what are all these, "Paint on sale from £10 a liter"
signs?

Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half-
gallons. One £5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-
gallon to complete the room is £20. None of the cans have labels,
some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.

Customer: To hell with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!

Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your
bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone
else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall and
stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that if you
paint in only one direction, it will be £300 a gallon.

Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was £200!

Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which you
started. A hallway is different.

Customer: And if I buy £200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one
direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.

Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on
your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it now, sir.

Customer: You're insane!

Clerk: Thanks for painting with Easypaint.

Quotes

Funny Jokes - Strawberries

what did one strawberry say to the other?

your freshness got us into this jam

Funny Jokes - New Cat

Funny Jokes - New Cat

The newly-married husband came home from the office to find his young wife in floods of tears. "Darling, whatever is the matter?" he asked.

"Sweetheart," she sobbed, "The most terrible thing has happened! I cooked my very first Beef Bourguignon for you, and I got it out of the oven to season it, and the phone rang. When I came back from answering the phone," she sobbed again. "I found that the cat had eaten it!"

"Don't worry, darling," said her husband. "Don't cry.We can get a new cat tomorrow."

Be Careful What You Ask For.

Be Careful What You Ask For...

Here is a true story someone found regarding exams at Cambridge
University. It seems that during an examination one day a bright
young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him Cakes and
Ale. The following dialog ensued:

Proctor: I beg your pardon?

Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale.

Proctor: Sorry, no.

Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you
bring me Cakes and Ale.

At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred year
old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect,
and pointed to the section which read (roughly translated): "Gentlemen
sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale." Pepsi
and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat
there, writing his examination and happily slurping away.

Three weeks later, the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a
sword to the examination.

Funny Jokes - Happy Couple - Auctions and Golf

Happy Couple

A wife and husband both talked in their sleep. She loved auctions; while his hobby was golf.

The other night, during a deep sleep, the man yelled, 'Fore!'

His wife, also in a deep sleep and not missing a beat, yelled back, 'Four Fifty!'

Funny Jokes - Religious Jokes - The New Pet

Funny Jokes - Religious Jokes - The New Pet

A family that happened to be very strong in their Baptist faith,
decided they wanted to get a pet. They had one requirement -- the pet
had to be Baptist, also!

So one day they drove to the pet store where they proceeded to ask
the owner, "Do you have any Baptist dogs for sale, by any chance?"

Surprised by the question, the pet shop owner looked around his shop
and thought about it for a while and finally nodded, saying, "Wait... a... minute... yes, I think we just might have a dog that could fit your description."

The owner walks over to a group of cages and brings out a small dog
to the family, and the father says, "We need to see if this is a real Baptist dog." So the father says to the dog, "Go find a bible."

Unbelievably, the dog runs out of the pet store, down the street,
and into a church... returning with... of all things... a bible in
its mouth! He runs up to the family and plops down the book at their
feet.

Genuinely impressed, the father continues, "Let's see if this dog knows its books of the bible, tho... 'Turn to the book of Psalms,'" he commands the dog.

The dog immediately opens the bible with its snout and paws through
the pages... stopping when it reaches Psalms.

Very pleased, the father buys the dog for his family and they bring
it home. The next day, the family has visitors. Proudly, the family
shows off their little Baptist dog and the things it could do.

Finally, the friends of the family ask, "Nice! But, can it do any
other tricks that normal dogs do?"

The Baptist father wondered and said, "Hmm, I don't know. We've
never tried any other commands." He then orders the dog, "Heel."

Suddenly the dog leaps onto the father's lap and places its paw on
the man's head and starts to pray.

"Wait... a... minute!" exclaim the friends of the family.

"That dog isn't Baptist!... It's Pentecostal!"

Funny Jokes - Men

If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you are
aiming too high.

Women don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: you're sick of him.

Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies
about other things too.

A woman's work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do.

If you want a nice man go for a bald one -- they try harder.

Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature anyway.

A man who can dress himself without looking like Forest Gump is
unquestionably gay.

Men are all the same -- they just have different faces so you can tell
them apart.

Definition of a man with manners -- he gets out of the bath to go to
the bathroom.

Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will
usually find that he does.

Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five
men -- a woman.

There are a lot of words you can use to describe men -- strong,
caring, and loving -- they'd be wrong but you can still use them.

Men are like animals -- messy, insensitive and potentially violent,
but they make great pets.

Men's brains are like the prison system -- not enough cells per man.

There are only two four-letter words that are offensive to men
-"don't" and "stop" (unless they're used together).

Husbands are like children -- they're fine if they're someone else's.

If a man appears sexy, caring and smart give him a day and he will be
back to his usual self.

All men are like chickens with their heads cut off when they see
beautiful women pass by.

If your man appears happy, excited and keeps looking at you all of a
sudden he is probably checking out the women behind you.

Figuring out men is like trying to make a jigsaw puzzle in a car, once
you think you have it all put together, you find another piece but you
don't know where it goes.

Getting Senile - Aging Jokes

It's not so bad being senile; you get to meet many more people.

Senility

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up."

"That's not senility," replied the doctor.

"Senility is when you forget to zip down."

My Forgetter

My Forgetter...

My forgetter's getting better
But my rememberer is broke
To you that may seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke
For when I'm "here" I'm wondering
If I really should be "there"
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!
Oft times I walk into a room,
Say, "what am I here for?"
I wrack my brain, but all in vain
A zero, is my score.
At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!
When shopping I may see someone,
Say "Hi" and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself "who was that?"
Yes, my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.

A leter to the IRS

Dear Internal Revenue Service:

Enclosed you will find my 2005 tax return showing that I owe
$3,407.00 in taxes. Please note the attached article from the USA
Today newspaper, dated 12 November, wherein you will see the
Pentagon (Department of Defense) is paying
$171.50 per hammer and NASA has paid $600.00 per toilet seat.

I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400) and six
(6) hammers valued @ $1,029), which I secured at Home Depot,
bringing my total remittance to $3,429.00. Please apply the
overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund," as
noted on my return. You can do this inexpensively by sending them
one (1) 1.5" Phillips Head screw (see aforementioned article from
USA Today newspaper detailing how H.U.D. pays $22.00 each for
1.5" Phillips Head Screws). One screw is enclosed for your
convenience.

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look
forward to paying it again next year.

Sincerely,

A Satisfied Taxpayer

Funny Jokes - Arizona - HOTTER THAN HELL!!!

Funny Jokes - Arizona - HOTTER THAN HELL!!!

Author Unknown

The devil wanted a place on earth
Sort of a summer home
A place to spend his vacation
Whenever he wanted to roam.

So he picked out Arizona
A place both wretched and rough
Where the climate was to his liking
And the cowboys hardened and tough.

He dried up the streams in the canyons
And ordered no rain to fall
He dried up the lakes in the valleys
Then baked and scorched it all.

Then over his barren country
He transplanted shrubs from hell.
The cactus, thistle and prickly pear
The climate suited them well.

Now the home was much to his liking
But animal life, he had none.
So he created crawling creatures
That all mankind would shun.

First he made the rattlesnake
With it's forked poisonous tongue.
Taught it to strike and rattle
And how to swallow it's young.

Then he made scorpions and lizards
And the ugly old horned toad.
He placed spiders of every description
Under rocks by the side of the road.

Then he ordered the sun to shine hotter,
Hotter and hotter still.
Until even the cactus wilted
And the old horned lizard took ill.

Then he gazed on his earthly kingdom
As any creator would
He chuckled a little up his sleeve
And admitted that it was good.

Twas summer now and Satan lay
By a prickly pear to rest.
The sweat rolled off his swarthy brow
So he took off his coat and vest.

"By Golly, " he finally panted,
"I did my job too well,
I'm going back to where I came from,
Arizona is hotter than Hell. "





Famous Quotes

Funny Jokes - Speechwriter

Funny Jokes - Speechwriter

Another Bush team member is stepping down. This time it's long time speechwriter, a guy named Michael Gerson.

He was President Bush's speechwriter for seven years. Isn't that amazing? President Bush had a speechwriter?

Famous Quotes

Jokes - Funny Jokes - Mom and the cell phone

Jokes - Funny Jokes - Mom and the cell phone

When a customer left his cell phone in my store, I scrolled through his saved numbers, stopped at "Mom" and pushed send. His mother answered, and I told her what happened.

"Don't worry," she said, "I'll take care of it."

A few minutes later, the cell phone rang. It was "Mom."

"Melvin," she said, "you left your cell phone at the convenience store."

Funny Jokes and Humor - Giving the bird

Giving the bird

I was driving home from work when, out of nowhere, a bird
slammed into my windshield. The poor creature got its wing
stuck under the windshield wiper, so I tried to get it loose
by turning on the switch. On the first upswing of the
wiper, the bird flew off, slamming into the windshield of
the police car behind me.

Immediately, the cop pulled me over. He walked up and told
me he saw what happened. "I'm going to have to write you
up," he said, "for flipping me the bird."

Funny Jokes - History of Miss America

In an American history discussion group, the professor was trying to explain how societies ideal of beauty changes with time.

"For example, he said, "take the 1921 Miss America. She stood five feet one inch tall, weighed 108 pounds and had measurements of 30-25-32. How do you think she'd do in today's version of the contest?"

The class fell silent for a moment. Then one student piped up,

"Not very well."

"Why is that?" Asked the professor.

"For one thing," the student said, "She'd be way too old."

Funny Jokes
joke jokes humor funny fun funny stuff funny jokes humour comedy entertainment joking

Funny Jokes

What has a head, a tail, is brown, and has no legs?
*
*
*
***
*
*
*
***
*
*
*
***
Answer: A Penny


--------------------------


"We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great
ones to public office."
---Aesop

Funny Jokes
Funny Jokes
joke jokes

Funny Jokes - By the Light - Of the Silvery Moon

Funny Jokes - By the Light - Of the Silvery Moon

Off the coast of Newfoundland a great many fishermen do their fishing at night. They navigate solely by the light of the moon, scorning more sophisticated methods. Of course, from time to time this method fails, and shipwrecks are the result.

The Department of Fisheries was reviewing statistics one day, and was shocked to discover how many shipwrecks there were during night fishing.

When they discovered that the fishermen were navigating by the light of the moon, they promptly installed buoys near all the dangerous shoals and reefs to aid night navigation. To their surprise, when the statistics came in the following month, the shipwrecks had tripled!

The buoys were removed, and things returned to normal.

The moral of the story is you can't send a buoy to do a moon's job.


Funny Jokes
joke jokes

Funny Jokes - Waitress at the Hospital

Funny Jokes - Waitress at the Hospital

A waitress became violently ill while at work and was rushed by ambulance to the emergency room. In typical hospital fashion, she was placed on an examining table and then all but ignored for the next half-hour.

Finally, she noticed a doctor out in the hall and yelled, "Please help me!"

"Sorry," he replied, "it's not my table."



Funny Jokes
joke jokes humor funny fun funny stuff funny jokes humour comedy entertainment joking

Bubba Claus

A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated. Please read the following carefully.

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately,I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois,
Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies.

However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the SouthPole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us...

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared,flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."

5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off!" The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee on the Tooth Fairy.

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like "Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus is Coming to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be:Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox,"
Cledus T. Judd's "All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack," and Hank Williams Jr.'s "If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, You Can Shove It."

Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus North American Fairies and Elves Local 209.


Funny Jokes

joke jokes humor funny fun funny stuff funny jokes humour comedy entertainment joking

Bubba Claus

A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated. Please read the following carefully.

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately,I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois,
Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies.

However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the SouthPole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us...

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared,flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."

5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off!" The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee on the Tooth Fairy.

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like "Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus is Coming to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be:Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox,"
Cledus T. Judd's "All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack," and Hank Williams Jr.'s "If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, You Can Shove It."

Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus North American Fairies and Elves Local 209.


Funny Jokes

joke jokes humor funny fun funny stuff funny jokes humour comedy entertainment joking

Ugly Lady and the Parrot

Funny Jokes


Walking to work one day, a lady passes a pet shop where a parrot is sitting on a perch outside. The parrot takes one look at her and says: "Awwwwwk! Hey! You are one one fat ugly bitch!"

Well, you can imagine her reaction. She turns and storms away.

Coming home from work that day, she passes the parrot, who instantly recognizes her. "Awwwwwk!" it says. "Hey! You are one fat ugly bitch!"

She absolutely cannot believe this, but she controls her temper and heads home.

The next day, same thing- but twice as loud. "Awwwwwk! Hey! You are one fat ugly bitch!" the parrot says. Other pedestrians stop in shock and stare at the woman, who is mortified. Unable to take it any more, she throws open the door to the pet store, charges up to the manager, and threatens to sue the store and kill the bird if he doesn't get the parrot to cut it out.

The manager apologizes profusely and promises to have a talk with the bird.

The next day, she is walking to work when she sees the bird in its usual spot. "Awwwwwk!" it says. "Hey lady!" She pauses and scowls at the bird and yells:

"What!?!"

The bird smiles and winks at her. "You know."

Rules for Married Men

A typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you.

I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise.

I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night -- whether you're here or not."


Funny Jokes

Halloween Jokes - Halloween Humor - Funny Jokes

Halloween Jokes - Halloween Humor - Funny Jokes


Q. What do you get when you cross a pumpkin with a squash? A. a squashed pumpkin pie.

Q. What did the Mummy movie director