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12.28.2006

Top 30 Signs You've Joined a Cheap HMO

Top 30 Signs You've Joined a Cheap HMO

1. Pedal-powered dialysis machines.
2. Use of antibiotics deemed an "unauthorized experimental procedure,"
3. Head-wound victim in the waiting room is on the last chapter of
"War and Peace,"
4. You ask for Viagra. You get a popsicle stick and duct tape.
5. Annual breast exam conducted at hooters.
6. Exam room has a tip jar.
7. You swear you saw salad tongs and a crab fork on the instrument
tray just before the anesthesia kicked in.
8. "Will you be paying in eggs or pelts?"
9. Tight budget prevents acquisition of separate rectal thermometers.
10. "Take two leeches and call me in the morning,"
11. The company logo features a hand squeezing a bleeding turnip.
12. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.
13. Covered postnatal care consists of leaving your baby on Mia
Farrow's doorstep.
14. Radiation treatment for cancer patients requires them to walk
around with a postcard from Chernobyl in their pocket.
15."Pre-natal vitamin" prescription is a box of Tic-Tacs.
16. Chief Surgeon graduated from University of Benihana.
17. Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left when you
enter the trailer park,"
18. Doctor listens to your heart through a paper towel tube.
19. Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is "an
apple a day,"
20. Only participating Physicians are Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine.
21. Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
22. Plan covers only "group" gynecological exams.
23. Preprinted prescription pads that say "Walk it off, candy ass,"
24. To avoid a time consuming and expensive throat culture, the doctor
just French kisses you.
25. Recycled bandages.
26. You can get your flu shot as soon as "the" hypodermic needle is
dry.
27. Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to
goodwill last month.
28. 24-hour claims line is 1-800-TUF-LUCK
29. Costly MRI equipment efficiently replaced by an oversized 2-sided
copier.
30. Enema? The lavatory faucet swivels to face upward.

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Q and A


Q. ] What did Noah say as he was loading the Ark?
A. ] Now I herd everything. --The Placebo Page

---

Wry bread: The loaf with the crooked smile.

---

Copper Nitrate- What policemen get paid for working
overtime in the evening.

---

The Indian: "How do I love thee? Without reservation."

Famous Recipes
BOTDA
Chicken Recipes
Quotes
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Famous Quotes

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Top Ten Things a Consultant Shouldn't Tell a Client



Top Ten Things a Consultant Shouldn't Tell a Client

10. That was my first guess as well, but then I really thought about it.

9. You should see the hotel I'm staying at.

8. Hey, I just realized I was in junior high when you started working here.

7. I like this office space. I'll have them put me in here when you're gone.

6. My rental car looks nicer than that junker you're driving.

5. Sure it'll work; I learned it in business school.

4. So what do you need me to tell you?

3. Of course it's right; the spreadsheet says so.

2. I could just tell you the answer, but we're committed to a three month project.

1. What are you, stupid?

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12.25.2006

THE FIRE

THE FIRE
During an ecumenical gathering someone rushed in and shouted, "The building is on fire!" Immediately...
The METHODISTS gathered in the corner and prayed
The BAPTISTS cried, "Where is the water?"
The QUAKERS quietly praised God for the blessing that fire brings
The LUTHERANS posted a notice on the door declaring the fire was evil
The ROMAN CATHOLICS passed a collection plate
The EPISCOPALIANS formed a procession and marched out
The CONGREGATIONALISTS shouted, "Every man for himself...."
The FUNDAMENTALISTS shouted. "It's the vengeance of God!"
The JEWS posted symbols on the door hoping that the fire would pass
The JEHOVAH' S WITNESSES passed out literature about the fire
The MORMONS ran late-night TV commercials for free videos of the fire
The CHRISTIAN SCIENTISTS agreed among themselves that there was not a fire
The SCIENTOLOGISTS charged admission to the fire, and
The PRESBYTERIANS appointed a chairperson who was to appoint a committee to look into the matter and make a written report to the voting assembly.

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Signalman Test

Signalman Test

Billy Bob wanted a job as a signalman on the railways. He was
told to meet the inspector at the signal box for his test.

The inspector asked, "What would you do if you realized that 2
trains were heading for each other on the same track?"

Billy Bob replied, "I would switch the points for one of the
trains."

"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.

"Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Billy Bob, "and
I'd use the manual lever over there."

"What if that had been struck by lightning?"

"Then," Billy Bob continued, "I'd run back into the signal box and
phone the next signal box."

"What if the phone was being used or busy?"

"Well in that case," persevered Billy Bob, "I'd rush down out of
the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing
up there."

"What if that was vandalized?"

"Oh, well then I'd run into the village and get my uncle." Billy
Bob answered.

"Your uncle?! Why would you get your uncle??"

"Heck, he's never seen a train crash before."

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Favorite Types of Jokes

Favorite Types of Jokes

Tiffany Wimberley asked, "What is your favorite kind of humor?"

Here are some of the answers she got:

Veteranerians: Shaggy Dog Stories

Olympic swimmers: Tom Swifties

Hockey Players: Slapstick

Track Stars: Running gags

Swingers: Conundrums

Architects: Top Ten Lists

Eye Doctors: Sight gags

Swingers: Conundrums

Adult Entertainers: Comic strips

Lawyers: Bar jokes

Farmers: Corny jokes

Nannys: Dry humor

Nymphomaniacs: Satyre and Boners

Kidnappers: Gags

Twins: Doubletalk

Door to Door Salesmen: Knock-Knock Jokes

Silverware makers: Spoonerisms

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What Is A Friend?

What Is A Friend?

A friend may be like a bra - lifting you up - but a GREAT friend is like a
pair of Jockey shorts: They keep your private things private, and they cover
your backside.

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THE CURSED DIAMOND

THE CURSED DIAMOND
A buxom blonde wore, at a charity ball, an enormous diamond. "It happens to be the third most famous diamond in the whole world," she boasted. "The first is the Hope Diamond, then comes the Kohinoor and then comes this one, which is called Lipshitz."

"What a diamond!"

"How lucky you are!"

"Wait, wait, nothing in life is all mazel," said the diamonded lady. "Unfortunately, with this famous Lipshitz diamond you must take the famous Lipshitz curse!"

The ladies buzzed and asked, "And what's the Lipshitz curse?"

"Mr Lipshitz," sighed the lady.

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Stupid and Clever

A stupid man's report of what a clever man says is never accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.

Bertrand Russell

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New Wine

New Wine

Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot Grigio wines have developed a
new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic. It is expected to
reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bath-
room during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as Pinot More.

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Think YOU'RE In A Rut?

Think YOU'RE In A Rut?

The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4
feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that
gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England,
and the US railroads were built by English expatriates.

Why did the English people build them like that? Because the
first rail lines were built by the same people who built the
pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.
Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the
tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for
building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Okay! Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Well, if
they tried to use any other spacing the wagons would break on
some of the old, long distance roads, because that's the spacing of
the old wheel ruts.

So who built these old rutted roads? The first long distance
roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of
their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the
ruts? The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear
of destroying their wagons, were first made by Roman war
chariots. Since the chariots were made for or by Imperial Rome,
they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

Thus, we have the answer to the original questions. The United
State standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the
original specification for an Imperial Roman army war chariot.
Specs and Bureaucracies live forever.
So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what
horse's a__ came up with it, you may be exactly right. Because
the Imperial Roman chariots were made to be just wide enough to
accommodate the back-ends of two war horses.

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Favorite Types of Humor for the Masses

Favorite Types of Humor for the Masses

Ice Cream Man - Good Humor
Disabled - Accident Jokes
Wordsmiths - Puns
Hairdresser - Blonde Jokes
Ministers - Definitions from Devil's Dictionary
Jews - Doctor Jokes
PTA - Skits
Diplomat - Subtle
English Teachers - Deviation from Spelling
Boxers - Punch Lines
Car Dealers - Bumper Stickers
My Lawn Guy - Edgy
Gastroenterologist - Fart Jokes
College Students - Course Humor
Fox News - Political
Politicians - Absurd
Convenience Store Worker - Quickies
Batman - Action!
Baseball - Foul!
Gardener - Dirty
Consultants - And now for something completely different
Media - Nonsense
Medical Clinic - Paradox
NAACP - Black Humor
Shakespearian Actors - The Metaphorical Twist
Bureaucrat - Kafkaesque
Plumber - Toilet
Yellow Page Workers - Name Dropping
Children - Naiveté
Illegal Aliens - Ridicule
The Spontaneous - Surprise humor
English as a 2nd Language Student - Mimic
Laundry Workers - Irony
Crew from Seinfeld - Situation Comedy
Movie Maker - Imagery
Wrestlers - Macho

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Successful Women What!?

Successful Women What!?

I read a survey the other day. It said that the 'successful woman'
was one who made $38,500 per year. One of the questions on the
survey was "How many times do you like to make love?" The most
popular answer was twice a day.

Twice a day? That's two times, seven days a week, 356 days a year!
Why, that's 738 times a year!

You show me a woman who makes love 738 times a year, and I'll show
you a woman who makes a LOT more than $38,500 a year!

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A Different Approach?

A Different Approach?

Trying to determine why production had declined in a plant, an
efficiency expert asked the company's human resources director, "How
many of your employees are approaching retirement age?"

"Well," replied the director, "we haven't got any going the other way."

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A man's brain replacement

A man's brain replacement

A man was at his doctor's office planning his brain replacement surgery. He was
told that a male brain replacement would cost him approximately $50,000. He
also was told that a female replacement would cost only $3,000. He was curious
about the difference of the cost and was told that the male brain would not have
been used very much but, the female brain would be used and very probably
completely used.

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Golf Jokes - You Had To Be!

You Had To Be!

A parish priest was invited to play golf with two friends. Although
he said his game was terrible, he went along anyway.

At the first tee, another golfer joined them to make a foursome.
So as not to make the stranger nervous, the priest insisted they
introduce him as "Ron." On the fourth hole, the other golfer
turned to Ron and asked him what he did for a living.

Confronted, Ron admitted that he was a Catholic priest.

"I knew it!" the stranger exclaimed. "The way you play golf and
don't swear, you had to be a priest!"

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Help Comes In Many Forms...

Help Comes In Many Forms...

Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was
asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring
child. The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbour was
an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man
cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his
lap and just sat there. When his mother asked him what he had said to the
neighbour, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry."

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12.24.2006

Funny Jokes - Cat Jokes - Why Cats Are Better Than Women

Funny Jokes - Cat Jokes

Why Cats Are Better Than Women


A cat doesn't know what a remote control is.
A cat loves you until it dies.
You don't have to tell your cat you love it - it knows you do.
A cat likes to be petted, anywhere, anytime.
Cats don't expect breakfast in the morning.
Cats don't ly, quibble, argue, pout.
Everything you do is interesting.
Cats need little space, a sunny spot in the window will do.
Cats don't smoke, drink, do drugs.
You don't have to tell a cat it's pretty.
A cat doesn't care if you haven't shaved for two days.
A cat doesn't want to borrow money from you.
Cats love to scrap bills and taxforms.
You don't need to buy your cat expensive presents on it's birthday.
You don't need to buy your cats mother expensive presents on her birthday.

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12.23.2006

Funny Jokes - Christmas Jokes - Holiday Jokes

Funny Jokes - Christmas Jokes - Holiday Jokes

Which Holiday Relative Are You?

Please circle the letter that best describes your response below.



Funny Jokes - Funny Sayings


1. When dinner is served, what do you say?
A. Is the turkey done? How are the mashed potatoes? Could I
make some more gravy?
B. I get first pick! I paid for that turkey.
C. Who needs their wine topped off?
D. I want to open presents first.
E. Please pass the salad, and no, I'm not dating anybody.
F. Why is everybody here? It's not my birthday, is it?
G. Are you going to finish that? I'll be glad to finish
that for you.

2. When opening gifts, what do you say?
A. I'm going to save this pretty wrapping paper.
B. I paid $57.95 for that and he's playing with the box!
Play with the toy!!
C. I don't need another 12-step book.
D. This stinks! I wanted a pokeasurusmon game.
E. Oh, great. Another tablecloth. I can use this while
eating take-out every night.
F. This is a wonderful hat. I can keep my government
secrets in here.
G. Woo Hoo! I love my new toy! I'm so excited.

3. What do you think when shopping for gifts?
A. I'm making good money now -- this year it's fabulous
gifts for everyone.
B. Do I look like I'm made of money?
C. Vermouth for everyone, and jars of olives for stocking
stuffers.
D. You mean I have to "buy" presents?
E. This sweater is a lovely shade of cobalt, but it needs
to be more of a cerulean.
F. A banana for Peggy Sue. A hula-hoop for Betty, and some
bobby socks for Jude.
G. I wish I were in the mall with them and not locked in
this car by myself.

4. What is your holiday attire like?
A. A green dress, red blouse, and Christmas tree earrings.
B. The same thing I wear every holiday.
C. I always notice my shirt is on backwards halfway through
dinner.
D. I have to wear a clip-on bow tie and itchy wool pants.
E. Something black that shows a little leg.
F. My pajamas and a fez.
G. Fur.

5. How do you decorate the house during the holidays?
A. You can never have too many wreaths, I always say.
B. It's time to string up the lights again?! Geez!
C. Airline-size liquor bottles strung together are a
beautiful holiday decoration.
D. I string popcorn together so I can eat it after
Christmas.
E. Why decorate when I am never home?
F. Why would I want to decorate the "horse"?
G. I like to leave lots of homemade surprises behind the
couch.

6. If you were a reindeer, what would your name be?
A. Cleaner.
B. Whiner.
C. Rudolph the RED NOSED reindeer.
D. Broken.
E. Vixen.
F. Burden.
G. Sniffer.

7. What is your favorite outdoor winter activity?
A. I love sleigh rides with the whole family.
B. Leave me alone. I'm watching football.
C. Frozen snow makes a great margarita mix.
D. I'm gonna peg people with snow balls.
E. Anatomically correct snowmen and lots of them.
F. I run through the sprinklers without any clothes on.
G. Making yellow snow is lots of fun.

-----

If you circled "A" three or more times, you are "Uber
Mother." Mom, sit down! The meal is perfect, the house is
perfect, and the gifts are perfect. So knock back a few
shots of eggnog and chill!

If you circled "B" three or more times, you are "The
Irritable Father." You put the "Bah" in "Bah humbug" and the
"Grrr" in Grinch. Lighten up.

If you circled "C" three or more times, you are "The Tipsy
Aunt." It's time to start drinking your eggnog straight,
honey.

If you circled "D" three or more times, you are "The Whiny
Grandchild." You're so spoiled. Stop complaining about
getting underwear instead of toys. When I was your age, we
had to make our own underwear out of leaves.

If you circled "E" three or more times, you are "The
Career-Minded Daughter." For you, life is one big party.
Just remember... tick tock tick tock.

If you circled "F" three or more times, you are "Grand
Pappy." We've been talking and feel it's time you move into
a nice place where people can take care of you. No, put that
down -- you don't need that to talk to the mother ship.

If you circled "G" three or more times, you are "The Family
Dog." You're such a good boy... yes you are... yes you
are...

If you circled "none" three or more times, you probably need
to see a therapist.

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12.18.2006

Funny Jokes - A tale of a jogger

A tale of a jogger

You see there was this jogger. He was regular in his exercise and
quite punctual.

Every morning he'd follow the same route, passing the same bagel
cart. And each day he'd toss 60 cents onto the counter of the
bagel cart as he passed.

And, no, this does not define a yuppy jog-by coining...

One day he was hewing to his usual habit when he noticed that
the guy at the bagel cart had taken after him and was calling
for him to stop.

He stopped, waited for the bagel guy to catch up, and then said,
"I know, I know, you want to know why I drop 60 cents on your
counter each day, right?"

"No, that's not it," replied the bagel cart guy, "I just thought
you should know that bagels are now 75 cents each."

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Funny Jokes - Superstition

Funny Jokes - Superstition

Don't you know it's bad luck to be superstitious?

I thank my lucky stars I'm not superstitious!

Superstition, n. - Another person's religion

HEALTH FOOD
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic doesn't work anymore.
Here, eat this root

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Relationships

Relationships


I'm feeling a little sad today ...My wife left me...!! I guess I
just don't understand women. After the last child was born, my wife
told me that we had to start cutting back on expenses -- and that I
had to give up drinking beer.

I was not a big drinker; maybe a 12 pack on weekends..., and a couple
of cold ones during the week on the way home from work. Anyway, I
gave it up but I noticed the other day she came home from grocery
shopping and when I looked at the receipt, I saw $45 for makeup.
I said, "Hey, wait a minute! I've given up beer and you haven't given
up anything!"
She said, "I buy that makeup, just so I can look pretty for you."
I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!" Somehow I don't
think she'll be coming back...!!
Women, go figure..

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12.17.2006

Perspective...

Perspective...

As I was driving home from work one day, I stopped to watch a local
Little League baseball game that was being played in a park near my
home. As I sat down behind the bench on the first-base line, I asked one
of the boys what the score was. "We're behind 14 to nothing," he answered
with a smile. "Really," I said. "I have to say you don't look very
discouraged." "Discouraged?" the boy asked with a puzzled look on his
face. "Why should we be discouraged? We haven't been up to bat yet."

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12.15.2006

Don't Mensa your words

Don't Mensa your words

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners:


1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

5. Cashtration (n! .): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked t! hrough a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

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12.14.2006

Everything ends this way

Funny Jokes -

Everything ends this way in France - everything. Weddings, christenings, duels, funerals, swindlings, diplomatic affairs - everything is a pretext for a good dinner.
Jean Anouilh (1910-1987) French dramatist, screenwriter

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12.13.2006

NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS

NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS

FORMER FEMA CHIEF VOWS TO MAKE NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS BY MARCH 1
Michael Brown Apologizes For Delay

Former Federal Emergency Management Agency director Michael Brown said today
that he had not yet made his New Year's resolutions for 2006 but vowed to
have them done by March 1 "at the very latest."

Mr. Brown apologized for the delay at a Washington press conference that was
originally called for ten o'clock this morning but was not actually held
until four in the afternoon.

The former FEMA chief, visibly embarrassed by not having made his New Year's
resolutions in a timely fashion, said that he had been "caught unawares" by
the change in years.

"I turned on the TV and saw that ball dropping, and I was like, holy cow, I
better get on this," Mr. Brown said.

Despite his delay in making his resolutions, Mr. Brown said he expects 2006
to be a big year for him and his new disaster preparedness consulting firm,
adding, "By the end of 2006, the name Michael Brown will be synonymous with
disaster."

At the White House, President Bush briefly commented on Mr. Brown's delay in
making his New Year's resolutions, telling reporters, "I'm sure that
whenever Brownie eventually makes them he'll do a heckuva job."

For his part, Mr. Brown gave reporters a sneak peek at his list of
resolutions, saying that number one on the list would be "Get things done
sooner" and that number two was "Remember to buy more Post-its."

Elsewhere, legal experts called the trial of former Iraqi dictator Saddam
Hussein "the trial of the century," explaining that it would take at least
that long to complete.

© Andy Borowitz
borowitzreport.com

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12.11.2006

OVERSLEEPING

OVERSLEEPING

One day a man took the train from Paris to Frankfurt. When he got on he said to the ticket man, "Sir, I really need you to do me a favor. I have to get off this train in Mannheim, but I'm very tired and it is for sure that I'll fall asleep. What I'd like you to do is wake me up in Mannheim. I have to close a business deal there and it is very important for my career. I'll give you a 100 francs to be sure I get off the train there. But I warn you, sometimes when people wake me up I can get really violent. No matters what I do or say, you have to get me off this train in Mannheim. Is that clear?"

The ticket man agreed and took the 100 francs. Later as the man had said, he'd fallen asleep. When he woke up, he realized that he was now in Frankfurt. He was so mad at the ticket man that he ran over to him and started yelling, "Are you STUPID or something??? I paid you 100 francs so you'd be sure to wake me up in Mannheim and you didn't! You've ruined my career!! I want my money back you stupid idiot!!!"

While the man was yelling at the ticket guy, two other guys that were also on the train, stood there watching. One turns to the other and says to him, "Look at this guy. He really is angry!"

The second man replied, "Yeah, almost as mad as the guy they made get off the train in Mannheim."

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12.10.2006

A Teenager Is

A Teenager Is...

...someone who can't remember to walk the dog each day but
never forgets a phone number he heard once.

...a weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy
bars before breakfast.

...someone who receives her allowance on Monday, spends it
on Tuesday, and borrows it from her best friend on
Wednesday.

...someone who can pick out the voice of a friend from three
blocks away, but can't hear his mother calling from the next
room.

...a computer whiz who can operate any new gadget within
seconds but can't make the bed.

...a connoisseur of two types of fine music: loud and very
loud.

...a person who can bike for miles but is usually too tired
to help with the dishes.

...a romantic who never falls in love more than twice a
week.

...your own reality show but with fewer commercials.

...painfully funny at many times. At other times a teenager
is just painful.

...someone who will pitch in and help clean every room in
the house, as long as it's the neighbor's house.



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The Shrinking Man

A scientist named Walter invented a shrinking ray.

He tried it on himself, and it worked. Unfortunately he couldn't
reverse the process, and he was stuck being the size of a normal
man's thumb.

He had a loyal lab assistant who worked with him, though, so his
diminutive size didn't affect Walter's work too much.

Still, after a while, Walter began to long for female companionship.

His lab assistant thought up a highly unethical plan. He planned to
get a couple of ladies of the night, shrink them down to Walter's
size, and keep them shrunk until they could figure out a way to
reverse the process.

The lab assistant went to Times Square and tried to get the young
ladies, but it was trickier than it seemed. They were reluctant to
travel all the way to the lab, but the lab assistant offered to
double their usual rate, so they finally agreed.

As soon as they stepped into the lab, the assistant turned on the
shrinking ray. There was a flash of light and a puff of smoke, and
when the air had cleared --- the prostitutes were exactly the same
size as they were before.

"What's the big idea? Eek!" One of the prostitutes saw Walter
scurrying across the floor and squashed him flat with her shoe.

Walter was dead, and the experiment was ruined. This was all because
the lab assistant forgot what everyone already knows: ...

... You can lead the whores to Walter, but you can't make 'em shrink.

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A vampire bat

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, covered in fresh
blood. He parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some
sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and started
hassling him about where he'd got it. He told them to piss off
and let him get some sleep.

However, they persisted until he finally gave in. "Okay, follow
me," he said as he flapped out of the cave with hundreds of bats
behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest
of trees.

Finally he slowed and all the other bats excitedly milled around
him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"YES, YES, YES!" all the other bats screamed in a frenzy.

"GOOD," shouted the bat, "BECAUSE I DIDN'T!!!"

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12.09.2006

Funny Jokes and Humor - New Boat

Funny Jokes and Humor - New Boat

My friend wanted a boat more than anything. His wife kept refusing, but he bought one anyway. "I'll tell you what," he told her. "In the spirit of compromise, why don't you name the boat?"

Being a good sport, she accepted. When her husband went to the dock for his maiden voyage, this is the name he saw painted on the side: "For Sale."


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There's No Place Like Home for the Holidays

Oh There's No Place Like Home

Oh, there's no place like home for the holidays
'Cause no matter how far away you roam
When you pine for the sunshine
Of a friendly face
For the holidays, you can't beat
Home, sweet home

I met a man who lives in Tennessee
And he was headin' for Pennsylvania
And some home made pumpkin pie
>From Pennsylvania folks a travelin' down
To Dixie'’s sunny shore
>From Atlantic to Pacific, gee
The traffic is terrific


Oh there's no place like home
For the holidays, 'cause no matter
How far away you roam
If you want to be happy in a million ways
For the holidays, you can't beat
Home, sweet home



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Funny Jokes - Did you see that?

Funny Jokes -

Two guys are out hunting deer. The first guy says, "Did you see that?"

"No," the second guy says.

"Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead," the first guy says.

"Oh," says the second guy.

A couple of minutes later, The first guy says, "Did you see that?"

"See what?" the second guy asks.

"Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over
there."

"Oh."

A few minutes later the first guy says: "Did you see that?"

By now, the second guy is getting aggravated, so he says, "Yes, I did!"

And the first guy says: "Then why did you step in it?"

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12.05.2006

A minute

A minute

Q. How long is a minute?

A. It depends on which side of the bathroom door that you're on!

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12.04.2006

Affirmations for Pessimists

Affirmations for Pessimists


Don't try beating 'em or joining 'em. Either hang out by yourself or quit.

Seek, and you shall be disappointed.

Knock, and the door shall be slammed in your face.

If you don't have anything nice to say, welcome to the club.

Did you ever sit back and evaluate your life and think, "Wow, things are
going just as I always wanted them to?" I didn't think so - me either.

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Affirmations for Pessimists

Affirmations for Pessimists


Don't try beating 'em or joining 'em. Either hang out by yourself or quit.

Seek, and you shall be disappointed.

Knock, and the door shall be slammed in your face.

If you don't have anything nice to say, welcome to the club.

Did you ever sit back and evaluate your life and think, "Wow, things are
going just as I always wanted them to?" I didn't think so - me either.

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12.01.2006

IMPORTANT STOCK WARNING

IMPORTANT STOCK WARNING:

Normally we avoid discussing any advice regarding buying or selling of stock, but we felt

this is important enough to share and warn you since this explosive situation might prove

to be yet another ENRON.

Please review any holdings you might have in the following stocks: American Can,

Interstate Water, National Gas Company, Northern Tissue Company.

I advise you to sit tight on your American Can, hold your Water, and let go of your Gas.

You may be interested to know that Northern Tissue touched a new bottom today, and

millions were wiped clean!

It's a tough market out there. Be careful.

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