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1.30.2007

Funny Jokes Funny quotes

President Bush says Iraq is not having a civil war. It's just part of the growth of democracy. He sees it as Shia and Sunnis exercising their rights to bear arms.
- Alan Ray


In Illinois a mental patient went on trial for threatening to castrate President Bush. He was sentenced to 7 months in prison but a federal judge let him go because you can't lock people up for threatening to castrate the president. If you could, Hillary would have been in Leavenworth 15 years ago.
- Jay Leno


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1.29.2007

The Difference Between Republicans and Democrats

The Difference Between Republicans and Democrats


A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. The Republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.

The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, he decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republican's pocket and got out twenty dollars. He kept $15 for administrative fees and gave the homeless person five.

Now you understand the difference between Republicans & Democrats.

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1.28.2007

Bike For Sale

Bike For Sale

Classified Ad from local newspaper:

06' Suzuki GSXR 1000, $10,000

This bike is perfect! It has only 1,000 miles and has had its 500 mile dealer service (Expensive).

It's been adult ridden, all wheels have always been on the ground.
I use it as a cruiser/commuter. I'm selling it because it was purchased without proper consent of a loving wife. Apparently "Do whatever you want." doesn't mean what I thought.
Call me, Steve. 800-555-5555.

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1.27.2007

Personal secretary

Personal secretary

A guy walked into his friend's office. He found his friend sitting at his desk,
looking very depressed.
"Hey, what's up with you?", he asked.
"Oh, its my wife," replied the man sadly. "She's hired a new secretary for me."
"Well, nothing wrong in that," he said, "Is she blonde or brunette?"
"Neither. He's bald."

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Male and Female procedures to get cash

Male and Female procedures to get cash

A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new
drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without
leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use
the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts After months of
careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow
the appropriate steps for your gender.

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
>2. Put down your car window.
>3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
>4 Enter amount of cash required and
>withdraw.
>5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
>6. Put window up.
>7. Drive off.
>
>**********************************************
>
>FEMALE PROCEDURE:
>
>1. Drive up to cash machine.
>2. Reverse and back up the required
>amount to align car window with the machine.
>3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
>4. Find handbag, remove all contents on
>to passenger seat to locate card.
>5. Tell person on cell phone you will call
>them back and hang up
>6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
>7. Open car door to allow easier acce ss to machine due to
>its excessive distance from the car.
>8. Insert card.
>9. Re-insert card the right way.
>10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN
>written on the inside back page.
>11. Enter PIN.
>12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
>13. Enter amount of cash required.
>14. Take a quick peeky at yourself in rear view mirror.
>15. Retrieve cash and receipt
>16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet
>and place cash inside.
>17. Write debit amount in check register
&g t;and place receipt in back of checkbook.
>18. Re-check makeup.
>19. Drive forward 2 feet.
>20. Reverse back to cash machine.
>21. Retrieve card.
>22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card
>holder, and place card into the slot provided.
>23. Give dirty look to irate male driver
>waiting behind you
>24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
>25. Redial person on cell phone.
>26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
>27. Release Parking Brake.


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U might be a "Metrosexual" if......

U might be a "Metrosexual" if......

1. You just can't walk past a Banana Republic store without making a
purchase.

2. You own 20 pairs of shoes, half a dozen pairs of sunglasses, just as many
watches and you carry a man-purse.

3. You see a stylist instead of a barber, because barbers don't do
highlights.

4. You can make her lamb shanks and risotto for dinner and Eggs Benedict for
breakfast... all from scratch.

5. You only wear Calvin Klein boxer-briefs.

6. You shave more than just your face. You also exfoliate and moisturize.

7. You would never, ever own a pickup truck.

8. You can't imagine a day without hair styling products.

9. You'd rather drink wine than beer... but you'll find out what estate and
vintage first.

10. Despite being flattered (even proud) that gay guys hit on you, you still
find the thought of actually getting intimate with another man truly
repulsive.

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1.25.2007

Wild Ride

Wild Ride

On my four-year-old daughter's first trip to Disneyland, she couldn't wait to get on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. As the car zoomed through the crazy rooms, into the path of a speeding train, and through walls that fell away at the last second, she clutched the little steering wheel in front of her.

When the ride was over, she said to me a little shakily, "Next time, you drive. I didn't know where I was going."

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You know you are living in the 21st century when you

You know you are living in the 21st century when you..............

1. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

12. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

13. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list

14. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to!! And Yes, I was laughing and I did scroll back to see that there wasn't a #9

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Scrabble Babble - Word Jumble

Scrabble Babble - Word Jumble

Someone out there either has too much
spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROO M





PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER





ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER







DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT







THE EYES: !
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE







GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE







THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS







SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME







ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY





ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT





SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S







A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE







THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE







ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE







AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay
too much time on their hands! (Probably a son-in-law).

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1.23.2007

What Men Really mean

What Men Really mean



Statement: "I'm a Romantic."
True Meaning: "I'm poor."
Statement: "You're the only girl I've ever cared about."
True Meaning: "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me."
Statement: "I really want to get to know you better."
True Meaning: "So I can tell my friends about it."
Statement: "She's kinda cute."
True Meaning: "I wouldn't kick her out of bed but a pillow over the
head might be necessary."
Statement: "I don't know if I like her."
True Meaning: "She won't sleep with me."
Statement: "Was it good for you?"
True Meaning: "I'm insecure about my manhood."
Statement: "I had a wonderful time last night."
True Meaning: "Who are you?"
Statement: "Do you love me?"
True Meaning: "I've done something stupid and you might find out."
Statement: "Do you 'really' love me?"
True Meaning: "I've done something stupid and you're going to find
out sooner or later."
Statement: "How much do you love me?"
True Meaning: "I've done something really stupid and someone's on
their way to tell you by now."
Statement: "I have something to tell you."
True Meaning: "Get tested."
Statement: "I've been thinking a lot."
True Meaning: "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."
Statement: "I think we should just be friends."
True Meaning: "You're ugly."
Statement: "I've learned a lot from you."
True Meaning: "Next!!!!"
Statement: "I'm on a long distance call, can you call me later?" True Meaning: "I gotta turn on my answering machine."

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1.18.2007

Senior Citizens

Senior Citizens


WE ARE THE LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!!!

HEARING AIDS
BAND AIDS
ROLL AIDS
WALKING AIDS
MEDICAL AIDS
GOVERNMENT AIDS
AND MOST OF ALL, MONETARY AIDS (TO OUR CHILDREN)




THE GOLDEN YEARS HAVE COME AT LAST

I CANNOT SEE
I CANNOT PEE
I CANNOT CHEW
I CANNOT SCREW
MY MEMORY SHRINKS
MY HEARING STINKS
NO SENSE OF SMELL
I LOOK LIKE HELL
MY BODY'S DROOPING
GOT TROUBLE POOPING

SO, THE GOLDEN YEARS HAVE COME AT LAST?
WELL THE GOLDEN YEARS CAN KISS MY ????

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Drinks Show Your Personality

Drinks Show Your Personality

Before you order a drink in public, you should read this! Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could 'nail' a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

PART A: WOMEN-DRINKS, WHO THEY ARE, & YOU!
Drink: Beer
Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested, she'll send YOU a drink..................

Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.
Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually, she has NO clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...this should be an easy target.
Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get
totally drunk... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad!

Drink: Tequila
No explanations required - everyone just KNOWS what happens there.

.

.

PART B: MAN-DRINKS & WHO THE MEN ARE!

THEN, there is the MALE addendum -- The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:

Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid .

Wine:
He is hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated
image to help him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid.
Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.

White Zinfandel: He's gay

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Funny Jokes - Thank you

Funny Jokes - Thank you

My heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months.
I want to wish each and every one of you a very Merry Christmas and a very prosperous New Year.

Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat shit in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.

Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains and may eat my guts out as well.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheist bastards who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave, because it causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones, because I could be
Pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants, even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls, because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from, nor send packages by UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC, because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul, because at last count, I have 363,214 angels looking out for me in addition to all of you dear friends.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven hundred of my friends and make a wish within five seconds.

I no longer have any savings, because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time)...

I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

Yes, I want! To thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large flock of pigeons with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM (Central) this afternoon and shit all over you. I know this will occur, because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's third cousin's beautician.

Merry Christmas & Happy New Year!

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1.13.2007

12 step program for Internet Addicts

12 step program for Internet Addicts

12-Step Internet Recovery Program

1. I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Internet.

2. I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

3. I will get dressed before noon.

4. I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Internet.

5. I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Internet-deprived.

6. I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Internet.

7. I will read a book... if I still remember how.

8. I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Internet.

9. I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

10. I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

11. I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Internet.

12. Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime... and the Internet will always be there tomorrow!

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1.12.2007

Funny Jokes - Sipping Vodka

Funny Jokes - Sipping Vodka

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Big Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me".

12)The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry".

13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.



Joke of the Day

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Funny Jokes - Biker Bar

Funny Jokes - Biker Bar



A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"

A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"

"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."

"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?"

"Sir," answered the little man, "it's a little four week old female puppy."

"Bull!" roared the biker, "how could your puppy kill my Doberman?"

"It appears that your dog choked on her, sir."

Lots more funny jokes



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1.05.2007

O'Toole

O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent.

"Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest.

"I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?"

O'Toole said, "Sure, Father. if you have the plans, I've got the lumber!"

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1.04.2007

Jewish Jokes - Funny Jokes - Yiddish

Jewish Jokes - Funny Jokes - Yiddish



During the first day of Hanukkah, two elderly Jewish men were sitting in a wonderful deli frequented almost exclusively by Jews in New York City. They were talking
amongst themselves in Yiddish, the colorful language of Jews who came over from Eastern Europe.

A Chinese waiter, only one year in New York, came up and in fluent, impeccable Yiddish asked them if everything was okay and if they were enjoying the holiday.

The Jewish men were dumbfounded. "Where did he ever learn such perfect Yiddish?" they both thought. After they paid the bill, they asked the restaurant manager, an old friend of theirs, "Where did our waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?"

The manager looked around and leaned in so no one else could hear and said, "Shhhh. He thinks we're teaching him English."

Cat Quotes

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Funny Jokes - Happy New Year! - Resolutions You Can Actually Keep

Funny Jokes - Happy New Year! - Resolutions You Can Actually Keep..

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Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year and yet you never keep them?

Here are some resolutions that you can actually accomplish! Enjoy! :-)

10. Read less.

9. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.

8. Stop exercising. Waste of time.

7. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.

6. Procrastinate more.

5. Drink. Drink some more.

4. Start being superstitious.

3. Spend more time at work.

2. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.

and last but not least...

1. Take up a new habit: maybe smoking



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Stormy weather

Stormy weather


Bob and his wife, Lynda, live in Wisconsin. One winter morning while
listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going
to have 4-6 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even
numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Bob's
wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer
says, "We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow today. You must park
your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can
get through. Bob's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio
announcer says "We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today.
You must park..........." then the electric power goes out. Bob's wife is
very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I
don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on
so the plow can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are
married to blondes exhibit, Bob says, "Honey, Why don't you just
leave it in the garage this time?"

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Funny Jokes - E-MAIL RESOLUTIONS FOR THE NEW YEAR

Funny Jokes - E-MAIL RESOLUTIONS FOR THE NEW YEAR

I will try to figure out why I really need 9 e-mail addresses.
I will stop sending e-mail to my wife (husband).
I resolve to work with neglected children—my own.
I will answer my snail-mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.
I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.
I will resolve to back up my 12GB hard drive daily…well once a week…okay, monthly then…or maybe.
I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I'm not a clock watcher.
When I hear “Where do you want to today?” I will not reply “MS Tech Support.”
When I hear a funny joke I will not reply,”LOL…LOL!”
I will read the manual…just as soon as I can find it.
I will think of a password other than “password.”
I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning…4:30 is much more practical.
I resolve…I resolve to…I resolve to, uh,…I resolve to, uh, get my, ER…I resolve to, uh, get my, ER, off-line work done, too!
I will stop circulating the “Good Times Virus” and “Join the Crew” e-mail.
I will read all of the mail from all the lists I have subscribed to.
I will try the e-mail version of the Mrs. Fields cookie recipe.
I will not “throw” another snowball via e-mail; at least not ‘til next year.

I will remember to protect my friends e-mail addresses by putting their addresses in the Bcc:field when I am doing a mass e-mail.
I will keep my e-mail messages neat by copy and pasting into a new message instead of forwarding one that has to be opened 10x to read!

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1.03.2007

Funny Jokes - Hard of Hearing

My grandfather is hard of hearing. He needs to read lips. I don’t mind him reading lips, but he uses one of those yellow highlighters.
- Brian Kiley

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The Director

The Director



A famous Hollywood director dies and reaches Heaven. At the proverbial gate, St. Peter meets him and explains that God would like the director to make one more movie.

The director grimaces, "But I retired years before I died. I'm tired of all the hassles involved in making movies."

"Listen," St. Peter explains, "we got Ludwig von Beethoven to write a new score for the movie..."

"You're not listening to me," the director protested. "I don't want to make any more movies."

"But we've got Leonardo de Vinci to do the set design for you," St.Peter exclaimed.

"I don't want to make any more movies!" the director insisted.

"Just look at this script," St. Peter said. "We got William Shakespeare to write it for you!"

"Well," said the director, "a score by Beethoven, set design by de Vinci, a script by Shakespeare...How can I go wrong? I'll do it!"

"Great!" exclaimed St. Peter. "There's only one small hitch... I've got a girlfriend who sings..."

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1.02.2007

Used Sheep Baseball and Alabama


I called the local newspaper's classified section to complain about
an ad I'd placed. It was obvious the person who took my information
had never spent any time on a farm. "I said 'ewes,'" I argued.
"Pardon?" replied the operator. "Ewes. It makes a difference to some
people." The ad that was placed read: "Sheep for sale -- USED."


Used Sheep Baseball
and Alabama



A newlywed couple who were both avid baseball fans attended a game at
Sox Park. They were still on their honeymoon and very affectionate,
hugging and kissing so much that they weren't able to follow the
game. After a couple of seconds of thought the wife says, "I've got
an idea, honey. You kiss me on the strikes and I'll kiss you on the
balls."



It was the first day of Third Grade in a new town for little Johnny.
As a test, his teacher went around the room and asked each of the
students to count to 50. Some did very well, counting as high as 30
or 40 with just a few mistakes. Others couldn't get past 20. Johnny,
however, did extremely well; he counted past 50, right up to 100
without any mistakes. He was so excited that he ran home and told his
Dad how well he had done. His Dad nodded and told him, "That's
because you are from Alabama, Son." The next day, in language class,
the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet. It's Grade
Three, so most could make it half way through without much trouble.
Some made it to S or T, but little Johnny rattled off the alphabet
perfectly right to the end. That evening, Johnny once again bragged
to his Dad about his prowess in his new school. His Dad, knowingly,
explained to him, "That's because you are from Alabama, Son." The
next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers.
Johnny noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed
overly "well-endowed." This confused him. That night he told his dad,
"Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger
than theirs. Is that because I'm from Alabama?" he asked. "No, Son,"
explained his Dad, "That's because you're 18."

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