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2.27.2007

Southernness - Southern WomenSouthernness - Southern Women

Southern women appreciate their natural assets:
Clean skin.
A winning smile.
That unforgettable Southern drawl.

Southern women know their manners:
"Yes, ma'am."
"Yes, sir."
"Why, no, Billy!"

Southern women have a distinct way with fond expressions:
"Y'all come back!"
"Well, bless your heart."
"Drop by when you can."
"How's your Momma?"

Southern women know their summer weather report:
Humidity
Humidity
Humidity

Southern women know their vacation spots:
The beach
The rivuh
The crick

Southern women know the joys of June, July, and August:
Colorful hi-heel sandals
Strapless sun dresses
Iced sweet tea with mint

Southern women know everybody's first name:
Honey
Darlin'
Shugah

Southern women know the movies that speak to their hearts:
Fried Green Tomatoes
Driving Miss Daisy
Steel Magnolias
Gone With The Wind

Southern women know their religions:
Baptist
Methodist
Football

Southern women know their country breakfasts:
Red-eye gravy
Grits
Eggs
Country ham
Mouth-watering homemade biscuits with momma's homemade jelly

Southern women know their cities dripping with Southern charm:
Chawl'stn
S'vanah
Foat Wuth
N'awlins
Addlanna

Southern women know their elegant gentlemen:
Men in uniform
Men in tuxedos
Rhett Butler

Southern girls know their prime real estate:
The Mall
The Country Club
The Beauty Salon

Southern girls know the 3 deadly sins:
Having bad hair and nails
Having bad manners
Cooking bad food

More Suthen-ism's:
Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a

conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.
_____

Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens,

peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."
_____

Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of

"yonder."
_____

Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, as in:"Going

to town, be back directly."
_____

Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request

for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in

the middle of the table.
_____

All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is… They might not use

the term, but they know the concept well.
_____

Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a

neighbor who's got trouble- is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl

of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also

know to add a large banana puddin'!
_____

Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near"

and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road"

can be 1 mile or 20.
_____

Only a Southerner both knows and understands the difference between

redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.
_____

No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn

signal is actually going to make a turn.
_____

A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an

adverb.
_____

Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines... and when we're

"in line," we talk to everybody!
_____

Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're

related, even if only by marriage.
_____

In the South, y'all is singular, all y'all is plural.
_____

Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
_____

Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are

perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that

fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
_____

When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know

you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
_____

Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and" sweet milk." Sweet tea

indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea

unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.
_____

And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old

ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart"

... and go your own way.
_____

To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southerness:

Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the

morning. Bless your heart!
_____

And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this

Southern stuff, ... bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes

on Southernness as a second language!
_____

And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long

time, all y'all need a sign to hang on y'all's front porch that reads,

"I ain't from the South, but I got here as fast as I could."


Southern girls know men may come and go, but friends are fahevah!!!

Now......Shugah, send this to someone who was raised in the South or wish

they had been!!!

If you're a Northern transplant, Bless your little heart, fake it…
We know you got here as fast as you could- J


Sayings
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2.26.2007

Don't Despair

Don't Despair



Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home! one evening. Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent.

Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.

Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention and tossed it out the window to him. The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.

The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.

"What's this?" she asked.

"That's the $8,000 you have coming Sister," he replied.
"Don't Despair paid 80-to-1."

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2.25.2007

Funny Jokes - Sleeping with Mom

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Sleeping with Mom

Ever notice how a 4 year old's voice is louder than
200 adult voices?
Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just
when a storm hit
with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I
came into my bedroom
about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my
wife. They had
apparently been scared by the loud storm. I resigned
myself to sleep
in the guest bedroom that night.
The next day, I talked to the children, and
explained that it was OK
to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I
was expected
home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They
said OK.
After my next trip several weeks later my wife and
the children
picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time.
Since the plane
was late, everyone had come into the terminal to
wait for my plane's
arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting
for their
arriving passengers.
As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and
came running
shouting,
"Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"
As waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good
news?"
"Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this
time!" Alex shouted.
The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the
waiting area
looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched
the rest of the
area to see if they could figure out exactly who his
Mom was.


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Commandment 1.Marriages are made in heaven. But, so
again, are thunder and lightning.
Commandment 2. If you want your wife to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in
your sleep.
Commandment 3. Marriage is grand -- and divorce is
at least 100 grand!
Commandment 4. Married life is very frustrating. In
the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the
woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks
and the man listens.In the third year, they both speak
and the neighbors listen.
Commandment 5. When a man opens the door of his car
for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the
car is new or the wife is.
Commandment 6. Marriage is when a man and woman
become as one. The trouble starts when they try to
decide which one.
Commandment 7. Before marriage, a man will lie awake
all night thinking about something you say. After
marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Commandment 8. Every man wants a wife who is
beautiful,
understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the
law allows only one wife.
Commandment 9. Marriage and love are purely a matter
of
chemistry. That is why a wife treats her husband like
toxic waste.
Commandment 10. A man is incomplete until he is
married. After that, he is finished



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2.23.2007

MENSA INVITATIONAL

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MENSA INVITATIONAL

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any
word from the Dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one
letter, and supplying a new definition.

The 2006 winners are:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying (or building) a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize
that it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas
from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking
down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting
laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who
doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

12. Karmageddon: It's when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes,
and then the Earth explodes and it's a serious bummer.

13. Decafalon: (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day, consuming
only things that are good for you.

14. Glibido: All talk and no action.

15. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come
at you rapidly.

16. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've
accidentally walked through a spider web.

17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom
at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit
you're eating.

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The Difference Between Men and WomenThe Difference Between Men and Women


Q: What is the difference between a woman and a man?

A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
The Difference Between Men and Women


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2.20.2007

Bubba went to a psychiatristBubba went to a psychiatrist. "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I
think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."


"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me
three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears."


"How much do you charge?"


"Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor.



"I'll sleep on it," said Bubba.

Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street. "Why didn't you ever come
to see me about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist.

"Well $80 a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A
bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I
went and bought me a new pickup!"

"Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!"

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One Day To LiveOne Day To Live

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife
Carolyn that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of
course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Honey, now
only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?"
Carolyn agreed and again they made love.

Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only
eight hours of life left. He touched Carolyn 's shoulder and said,
"Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed,
then afterward s he rolled over and fell asleep.

Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed
and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped
his wife on the shoulder to wake her up
"Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Barry,

I have to get up in the morning --but you don't!"

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Bubba Becomes a CatholicBubba Becomes a Catholic..

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill
and cook a scrumptious venison steak. Unfortunately, all of Bubba's
neighbors were Catholic. And since it was Friday, they were forbidden
to eat meat.

They complained to Bubba, but he just laughed and said, "I wuz born a
Baptist and I wuz raised a Baptist. And we eat meat whenever we want
to."

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a
problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their
priest.

The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a
Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass to
join the church. And as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he
said, "Bubba, you were born a Baptist, and you were raised a Baptist,
but now you are a Catholic."

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved... until Friday night arrived.
Once again, the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the
neighborhood. The neighbors immediately called the priest, who rushed
into Bubba's yard. As he clutched his rosary and prepared to scold
Bubba, the priest stopped short and stared in amazement.

There stood Bubba, carefully sprinkling a small bottle of holy water
over the grilling meat and chanting, "You wuz born a deer, you wuz
raised a deer, but now you a catfish."



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2.18.2007

Why, Why, Why Funny Jokes

Why, Why, Why
do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......



The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

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2.15.2007

Fat Jokes

Fat Jokes



A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy Lunchtime.

They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with Pager. As they waited patiently, the little boy said loudly, "Gee, she's Fat!"

The mother bent down and whispered in the little boys ear to be quiet.

A couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread his hands as far as they would go and announced; "I'll bet her butt is this wide!"

The fat woman turns around and glares at the little boy. The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet. After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the line. Just then her pager begin to emit a beep, beep, beep.

The little boy yells out, "Run for your life, she's backing up!"

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2.11.2007

Funny Jokes - Bad LuckI busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five

Steven Wright

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2.05.2007

Canadian Jokes

Canadian Jokes

A French guest who was staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper. "Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.
"Toilette pepper!"

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Hell

Hell

... A rather bad man dies and meets Satan in a room with three doors. Satan explains, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that you have to spend eternity behind one of these doors. But, the good news is that you can take a peek behind each and take your choice."
So, the man opened the first door and saw a room full of people, standing on their heads on a concrete floor. Not very nice, he thought.
Opening the second door, he saw a room full of people standing on their heads on a wooden floor. Better, he thought, but best to check the last door.
Upon opening the last door, he saw a room full of people, standing waist-deep in excrement and sipping coffee.
"Of the three, this one looks best," he said and waded in to get something to drink while Satan closed the door.

A few minutes later the door opened, Satan stuck his head in and said, "Ok, coffee break`s over, back on your heads!"

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2.04.2007

Bible Jokes - Religious Jokes

Bible Jokes - Religious Jokes



Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?
A. Ruthless.

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.



Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.



Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.



Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.



Q.. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.



Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.



Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan - The banks were always overflowing.



Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.



Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark ?
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck. ( Groan...)



PS... Did you know it's a sin for a woman to make coffee?
Yup, it's in the Bible. It says . . "He-brews"


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