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Beethoven's Ninth

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Beethoven's Ninth

Several years ago, the Los Angeles Philharmonic Orchestra had scheduled Beethoven's Ninth under the baton of Zubha Mehta. At the last moment Mehta became ill and it was necessary to find a substitute.

They were able to convince Professor Theodore Badder from U. C. L. A.
Classical Music Department, an expert in Beethoven's Symphonies and a noted conductor in his own right, to pinch-hit.

The Fourth Movement of Beethoven's Choral Symphony, as it is better known, is unusual in several ways.

First it uses not only a chorus but several soloists as instruments during the famous "Ode to Joy" in the fourth movement.

Second, the bass players hate playing Beethoven's 9th. There's a long segment in this movement where the bass viols don't have a thing to do, not a single note for page after page!

It had been decided that during this performance, after the bass players had played their parts in the opening of the last movement that they were to quietly lay down their instruments and leave the stage rather than sit on their stools looking and feeling dumb for twenty minutes.

Well, once they got backstage, someone suggested that they have a few brews.

They had quickly downed the first couple beers when one said, "Shouldn't we be getting back to our seats? It'd be awfully embarrassing if we were late."

Another (presumably the one who suggested drinking in the first
place) replied, "Oh, I anticipated we could use a little more time, so I tied a string around the pages of the conductor's score. Batter has had to slow the tempo way down while he waves the baton with one hand and fumbles with the string with he other."

So they had another round and when finally returned to their chairs a little tipsy by now one look at their conductor's face told them they were in serious trouble.

And if you thought things couldn't get worse, both first stand players soon passed out right in their chairs!

Batter was furious and on the verge of completely losing it, as he began making gestures at the musicians while trying to finish the piece while flipping tied pages.

After all, It was the last of the Ninth, Thee Badder was a pinch- hitter, the score was tied, the basses were loaded, and two men were out.

Diabetic Recipes

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not so bright

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Two not so bright drop-outs were driving a semi down a road when they came to a viaduct. The sign said 10 feet zero inches, so they got out to measure their truck. Unfortunately, their truck was just over 12 feet high. They didn't know what to do, when finally one of them looked both directions and said, "I don't see no cops, let's go for it.!"

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Famous Quotes and Famous Sayings on

Funny Jokes - Famous Quotes and Famous Sayings on

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Kid Wisdom

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Kid Wisdom

When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" Don't

Never tell your mom her diet's not working.

Stay away from prunes.

Don't pull your dad's finger when he tells you to.

Never leave your three-year-old brother in the same room as
your school assignment.

If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.

Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick.

Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.

When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when
she's on the phone.

famous quotes

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A Potpourri

A Potpourri

Notice! Take lettuce from top of stack, or heads will roll!

Well, if Jerry Springer isn't educational TV, why does it
make me feel so much smarter?

A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in
like a computer.

I tried to get in touch with my inner child but he isn't
allowed to talk to strangers.

I have to take my paycheck to the bank. it's too little to
go by itself.

We're lucky to have C-SPAN. Not many countries can
watch their government inaction.

Mountaintop Glue-Ru: "Stick to it! Stick with it! Stick it
out! Stick to your guns! Stick up for yourself! ..."

I must be following my diet too closely. I keep gaining on it.

Welcome to Megacomputer's 24-hour helpline. If you have
been waiting LESS than 24 hours, please remain on the line.

Whenever I'm in a mood to watch the world go by, I just
keep to the posted speed limit.

"You should communicate with your muscles."

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Harold arrived at his brother's house and was surprised to find the youngest child Timmy, helping his parents bake cupcakes. When the cupcakes were baked Timmy's mom asked him to ice them. When he finished Timmy brought his creations into the living room to show the grownups.

Harold admired Timmy's icing efforts and said, "The cupcakes look delicious, Tim." Harold bit into a cupcake and smiled. "Timmy these are so good," he exclaimed. Taking another cupcake he added, "These cupcakes are so beautiful, how did you get them iced so evenly and smooth?"

As Harold took another large bite Timmy replied, "It was easy! I licked them."

Famous Quotes
Easter Recipes

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Slap to Steven

Funny Jokes - Slap to Steven

A Chinese man walks into a bar in America late one night and sses Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.

Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get out of here."

The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor, it was the Japanese".

"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.

In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, "You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship."

Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."

The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all
the same."


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Funny Jokes - A Mother Always Knows

Funny Jokes - A Mother Always Knows

Tony excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married. Tony says, "Just for fun, Mom, I'm going to bring over two other female friends in addition to my fiancée, and you have to try and guess which one I'm going to marry."

The next day, Tony brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.

He then says, "Okay, Mom. Guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."

"That's amazing! You're right, how did you know?"

His mother folds her arms across her chest and says, "I don't like her."

Famous Sayings

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Why I hate driving in Los Angeles

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Why I hate driving in Los Angeles

1. You must first learn to pronounce the city
name, it is L A

2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00am to noon.
The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00pm. Friday's
rush hour starts on Thursday morning.

3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways
is 85 mph. On the 105 or 110, your speed is expected
to match the highway number. Anything less is
considered "Wussy".

4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere.
L A has its own version of traffic rules. For example,
cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a
four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go
second. However, in Malibu, SUV-driving, cell
phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.

5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you
will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.

6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It's
another offense that can get you shot.

7. Road construction is permanent and continuous
in all of L A and Orange counties. Detour barrels are
moved around for your entertainment pleasure during
the middle of the night to make the next day's driving
a bit more exciting.

8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as
drunks, skunks, dogs, cats, barrels, cones, celebs,
rubberneckers shredded tires, cell phoners, deer and
other road kill, and the coyotes feeding on any of
these items.

9. Map quest does not work here, none of the roads
are where they say they are or go where they say they
do and all the freeway off and on ramps are moved each

10. If someone actually has their turn signal on,
wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know
it has been "accidentally activated."

11. If you are in the left lane and only driving
70 in a 55-65 mph zone, you are considered a road
hazard and will be "flipped off" accordingly. If you
return the flip, you'll be shot.

12. Do not try to estimate travel time, just leave
Monday afternoon for Tuesday appointments, by noon
Thursday for Friday and right after church on Sunday
for anything on Monday morning.

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Too dumb to be a criminal.

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Too dumb to be a criminal.

A German bank robber has been advised by a judge to go straight because
he lacks the talent for crime.

Marko N, 28, from Dusseldorf, was already waiting outside the bank he
was planning to rob before it opened in the morning.

Dressed in shorts, a sleeveless shirt and a woollen hat, he soon
attracted attention as he spent three hours plucking up the courage to
go inside.

When he finally went into the bank, he pulled his hat down over his
face but he couldn't see because he had cut the eyeholes in the wrong

Ripping off the cap in frustration, he walked straight past a security
camera, providing what Judge Wolfram Schnorr mockingly praised as
"first-class pictures".

The would-be robber then threatened a cashier with a pistol-shaped
lighter, but she told him to get lost.

He took her advice but was immediately arrested by police officers
waiting for him outside.

At his trial at Dusseldorf district court, Judge Schnorr advised Marko
N against trying again. "You'd be better off giving up robbing banks.
You are clearly untalented for the job," he said.

Marko N received a one year suspended prison sentence, the Express
newspaper reports.

Famous Quotess Diabetic Meals

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Funny Jokes - Today's Rules for City Driving

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Today's Rules for City Driving

1. Never, EVER slow down when a light turns yellow. If
you're within half a block of a stop light when it turns
yellow, put the pedal to the metal.

2. When attempting to enter a street from any parking lot,
make sure that at least the front third of your car is
sticking out into the nearest lane.

3. When it starts raining, completely lose your ability to
drive and act as if you've never done it before.

4. Using your turn signals is absolutely prohibited, except
in limited circumstances, such as when you're five feet from
the corner. NEVER use your signal when you're making a right
turn and someone is waiting to pull out into YOUR lane.

5. A red light is not TRULY red until five seconds after the
yellow light goes out.

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Don't step on ducks!

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Don't step on ducks!

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest old man she ever saw. St.
Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.
Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on, young, very tall and muscular. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The man says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

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Funny Jokes - Wisconsin

The United States is the land of my birth
The strongest and wealthiest country on earth.
But the states aren't all equal, I'm sorry to say...
Wisconsin's the pick of the 50 today.
I like S. Dakota, Montana and Maine.
But it's here in Wisconsin I proudly remain.
With walleyes and fish fries and hot apple pie
And the Badgerland motto:
Eat Cheese or Die!
We've got forests and prairies
Breweries and dairies
Skiing on water and skiing on snow
>From Big Bend to Bayfield
Potosi to Plainfield
The lucky ones live in Wisconsin.
Arizona's too dry,
Colorado's too high
In Alaska you'll freeze and in Georgia you'll fry.
Hawaii's so distant it's barely existent,
California is crumbling; let's all wave good-bye.
Nevada's too empty, the deserts don't tempt me
In Kansas a forest is just one lonesome tree.
New York is an anthill, a flesh-and-blood landfill,
And too many lawyers run loose in DC.
We've got silos and steeples
And down-to-earth people.
Holsteins a-plenty and Guernseys galore.
>From Lone Rock to Lena,
New Glarus to Neenah,
The lucky ones live in Wisconsin.
Minnesota and Michigan, they're both our special friends.
We get along fine with the people next door.
Illinois on the other hand,
I couldn't remember.
It's flat as a pancake and spoiled to the core.
The Flatlanders visit us year after year.
Clogging the highways and killing our deer.
They root for the White Sox, they frighten our livestock.
We hide all the children whenever they're here.
We've got sweet corn and bratwurst
Chicago's a lot worse
Our cheddar is better,
our butter's the best.
>From Monroe to Milwaukee,
Waupun to Wausaukee,
The lucky ones live in Wisconsin.
In Wisconsin there's no slackers,
Oh, and we've got the Packers.
Yes, from Kewaskum to Algoma,
Two Rivers to Tomah,
The lucky ones live in Wisconsin !!!!!!!!

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Old man Murphy and his wife went for a stroll in the park. They sat down on a bench to rest for awhile, and soon began to overhear voices coming from a secluded spot nearby.

Suddenly, Mrs. Murphy realized that the young man they were hearing was about to propose! Not wanting to be eavesdropping during such an intimate moment, she gently nudged her husband and whispered, "Whistle to let that young couple know that someone can hear them."

"Whistle?" Murphy replied. "Why should I whistle? Nobody whistled to warn me?"

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Retirement Jokes - FAQ on Retirement

FAQ on Retirement

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday.

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids
will want to store stuff

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to
work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Mon to Fri. Nothing, Sat & Sun I rest.

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1) Your job interferes with your drinking.
2) Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
3) Career won't progress beyond Senator.
4) The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
5) Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
6) Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
7) You can focus better with one eye closed.
8) The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
9) Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
10) Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, forget dinner!
11) You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
12) You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
13) Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
14) At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."

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Irish Jokes - Funny Jokes

Irish Jokes - Funny Jokes

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.
- Alex Levine

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A touching storyIn 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a
young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to
face the man and, with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teen-aged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one
of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Mbembe summoned up his courage...

He waited until there were no people to be seen, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure.

He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe's legs and slammed him against the railing, then stomped him several times
crushing the poor bastard to death.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

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Drink, Steal, Swear and LieDrink, Steal, Swear and Lie


I met this guy while I was in Memphis and he has a motto he lives by everyday.

He said listen carefully and live by these 4 rules: Drink, Steal, Swear, and Lie.

I was shaking my head no, but he then told me to listen while he explained his four rules.

So here they are:

1. Drink from the everlasting cup every day.

2. Steal a moment to help someone that is in worse shape than you are.

3. Swear that you will be a better person today than yesterday.

4. And last, but not least, when you lie down at night
thank God you live in America and have freedom.

Live simply...
Love generously...
Care deeply...
Speak kindly...
Leave the rest to God.

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