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6.30.2007

They'll Be Provided

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They'll Be Provided

An old school preacher was describing the events of Judgement Day
and, of course, using Biblical phraseology whenever he could.

"Oh, my friends," he intoned, "imagine the suffering of the sinners
as they find themselves cast into the outer darkness, removed from
the presence of the Lord and given to eternal flames. My friends,
at such a time there will be weeping, wailing and a great gnashing
of teeth!"

At this point, one of the elders of the congregation interrupted
to ask, "But Reverend, what if one of those hopeless sinners has
no teeth?"

The preacher crashed his fist on the pulpit, "My friends, the Lord
is not put out by minor details. Rest assured, if necessary ...
teeth will be provided!"

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6.29.2007

22 Ways To Be An Outstanding Democrat

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22 Ways To Be An Outstanding Democrat


1. You have to be against capital punishment, but support abortion on demand.

2. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.

3. You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese and North Korean communists.

4. You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding.

5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical documented changes in the earth's climate and more affected by soccer moms driving SUV's.

6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural.

7. You have to believe that the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.

8. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th-graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.

9. You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but loony activists who have never been outside of San Francisco do.

10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.

11. You have to believe that Mel Gibson spent $25 million of his own money to make The Passion of the Christ for financial gain only.

12. You have to believe the NRA is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.

13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.

14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, Gen. Robert E. Lee, and Thomas Edison & A.G. Bell.

15. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides are not.

16. You have to believe that Hillary Clinton is normal and is a very nice person.

17. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.

18. You have to believe conservatives telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and a sex offender belonged in the White House.

19. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites, and bestiality should be constitutionally protected, and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.

20. You have to believe that illegal Democratic Party funding by the Chinese Government is somehow in the best interest to the United States.

21. You have to believe that this message is a part of a vast, right wing conspiracy.

22. You have to believe that it's okay to give Federal workers off on Christmas Day but it's not okay to say "Merry Christmas."

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6.26.2007

Hearing Aid Funny Joke

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Hearing Aid Funny

Helen and I laughed when John, a neighbor, told us how his hearing aid occasionally emits a high-pitched squeal that can be heard by anyone near him. His granddaughter was sitting on his lap one day when the device started to beep.

Surprised, little Lorraine looked up at him and said, "Oh, Grampa, you've got e-mail!"

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6.23.2007

Funny Jokes - Funny Puns

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THE ABILITY TO MAKE AND UNDERSTAND PUNS IS THE HIGHEST LEVEL OF LANGUAGE DEVELOPMENT. Here are the 10 first place winners (according to someone) in the International Pun Contest:

1.) A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The flight attendant looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2.) Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!

3.) Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it immediately sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4.) Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5.) Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6.) A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in t he lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said," I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7.) A woman has identical twins and is forced to give them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're identical twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8.) A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to clo s e down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9.) Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

And finally,

10.) There was the person who sent ten different puns to friends with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Sports
Recipes
Quotes

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6.22.2007

Funny Jokes - Mollusk Research

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Mollusk Research

Then there is researcher Peter Fong, who has given new meaning to the
expression "happy as a clam." The Gettysburg College biologist
stumbled onto the fact that mollusks reproduce at 10 times their
normal rate if Prozac is dumped in the water.

Fong was pursuing research on the basic nervous system of fingernail
clams when he discovered that if he dumped the antidepressant into
the water, the clams would start reproducing madly.

"It's a piece of wonderful science and it sounds utterly ridiculous
at the same time," Abrahams said.

Traffic was backed up almost to a standstill this morning as I drove
to work. I turned on the radio to listen to my favorite rock station
but they were playing Rock-a-billy which I absolutely detest.

So I decided to ram the dial for something better and happened to
tune in a local talk show host who was ranting about government waste
of funds on useless research projects. He was objecting to congress
funding a project to a team in Gettysburg, PA , that was feeding
clams and other mollusks large doses of Prozac to determine its
effect on these sea dwellers. He cited this as an example of
government waste.

I immediately phoned him on my cellular phone and found myself on the
air. The host was very unhappy when I told him that this research was
very important as it was essential to determine if Prozac was
effective as a mussel relaxant.

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6.21.2007

25th Wedding Anniversary

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25th Wedding Anniversary

At the banquet of Tom and Susan's 25th wedding anniversary, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the
benefits of a marriage of such long duration.

"Tell us, Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"

Tom responded, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance,
meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness -- and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."

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6.16.2007

NEW FDA TEST

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NEW FDA TEST
-----------------------------------
Yesterday, scientists for the FDA suggested that men should take
a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a
recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in
beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.

To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It
was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked
excessively without making sense, became overly emotional,
couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing,
and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.

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A Fly

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A Fly

One afternoon while I was visiting my library, I noticed a group of
preschoolers gathered for story time. The book they were reading was: "THERE WAS
AN OLD LADY WHO SWALLOWED A FLY".

After the librarian finished the first page, she asked the children, "Do you
think she'll die?"

"Nope," a little girl in the back said. "I saw this last night on 'FEAR
FACTOR'.

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6.13.2007

Sick Leave...

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Sick Leave...




I urgently needed a few days off work, But, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "Crazy" then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling & made funny noises. My co-worker
(who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, so that the Boss might think I was "Crazy" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, "What in the name of good GOD are you doing?"

I told him I was a light bulb. He said, "You are clearly stressed out. Go home & recuperate for a couple of days."

I jumped down & walked out of the office... When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, The Boss asked her "...And where do you think you're going?!"

(You're going to love this....)
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She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!!

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6.12.2007

Pete & Gladys

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Pete & Gladys

Pete and Gladys were looking at a new living room suite in
the furniture store.

Pete said to the salesman, "We really like it, but I don't
think we can afford it."

The salesman said, "You just make a small down payment, and
then you don't make another payment for six months."

Gladys wheeled around with her hands on her hips and said,
"Who told you about us?"

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6.09.2007

Crosby's Still

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Crosby's Still

Sometime back during prohibition Bing and Bob developed a powerful thirst for some moonshine.

Bing said, "I have a brother who lives up in the Carolina hills who has just finished setting up a little operation. Perhaps he'd let us try out some of his first batch of hooch."

The two buddies hit the road to Carolina and tracked down Bing's brother just as he was drawing off the first bottle of 'shine.

"Here, try this and tell me if you think it's aged enough," said the novice moonshiner.

Bob, took a swig, made a sour face, and quickly pronounced,

"Crosby's still's mash is young."

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