Funny Jokes at http://www.Jokes-Joke.com/


Funny Jokes Search


Funny Quotes . Funny Quotes . Funny Stories

Funny Jokes Famous Jokes - Funny Jokes and Famous Jokes

Enter your email address:

Delivered by FeedBurner

Add to Google Reader or Homepage Subscribe in a reader

9.28.2007

Funny Jokes - New job

New job

Say, Joe," a man said to his friend, "how do you like your new job?"

"It's the worst job I have ever had." "How long have you been there?" asked his
buddy.

"About three months." Said Joe. "Why don't you quit?" said his friend.

"No way. This is the fist time in 25 years that I have looked forward to going
home after work.'

Funny Jokes -

Funny Jokes

| 0 comments links to this Funny Joke

9.27.2007

Funny Jokes - Diet Humor

The most fattening thing you can put in an ice cream sundae is a
spoon.

Funny Jokes -

Funny Jokes

| 0 comments links to this Funny Joke

9.26.2007

Lose weight

To help a friend lose weight, I told her that she should
switch to lower-fat foods, including skim milk. When she
said her family would drink only whole milk, I suggested
that she keep their regular container and refill it with
skim milk. This worked for quite a while, until her daughter
asked one morning whether the milk was okay.

"Sure, it's fine," my friend answered, fearing she had been
found out. "Why do you ask?"

The daughter explained, "Well, according to the expiration
date, this milk expired two years ago!"

Funny Jokes -

Funny Jokes

| 0 comments links to this Funny Joke

9.25.2007

A. A. A. D. D.

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.
... As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.
... As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.
... I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
... I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.
... So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I takeout the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only 1 check left.
... My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.
... I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
... As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered. I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
... I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
... Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
... At the end of the day:

* the car isn't washed
* the bills aren't paid
* there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter
* the flowers don't have enough water,
* there is still only 1 check in my check book,
* I can't find the remote,
* I can't find my glasses,
* and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

... Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.
... I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check
my e-mail.
... Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.


Funny Jokes -

Funny Jokes

| 0 comments links to this Funny Joke

9.24.2007

Return policy

Without realizing it, I walked right into a police stakeout
at my local Blockbuster. When a young man stepped out the
door, a group of officers pounced, cuffing him and hustling
him into a squad car.

Seeing my astonished frozen expression, one cop came over
and said, "When they say the movie is due by noon the next
day... they mean it!"

Funny Jokes -

Funny Jokes

| 0 comments links to this Funny Joke

9.21.2007

A Bit Of Irish Humor

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth,
sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his
attention but the drunk just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds
three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin,
there's no paper on this side either."


Funny Jokes -

Funny Jokes

| 0 comments links to this Funny Joke

9.20.2007

Mom's Special Brownie Recipe

Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.

Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan. Remove teddy bear
from oven and tell Jr., "No, no."

Add margarine to 2 cups sugar. Take shortening can
away from Jr. and clean cupboards.

Measure 1/3 cup cocoa. Take shortening can away from
Jr. again and bathe cat. Apply antiseptic and bandages
to scratches sustained while removing shortening from
cat's tail.

Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups
sifted flour. Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and
open all doors and windows for ventilation. Take
telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line
the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to
have direct dialed call removed from bill.

Measure 1 tsp. salt, ½ cup nuts and beat all
ingredients well. Let cat out of refrigerator. Pour
mixture into well-greased 9x13-inch pan.

Bake 25 minutes. Rescue cat and take razor away from
Billy. Explain to kids that you have no idea if shaved
cats will sunburn. Throw cat outside while there's
still time and he's still able to run away.

FROSTING Mix the following in saucepan: 1 cup sugar,
1 oz unsweetened chocolate, 1/4 cup margarine Take the
darn teddy bear out of the broiler and throw it away
-- far away. Answer the door and meekly explain to
nice policeman that you didn't know Jr. had slipped
out of the house and was heading down the street. Put
Jr. in playpen.

Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring
constantly for 2 minutes. Answer door and apologize to
neighbor for Billy having stuck a garden hose in man's
front door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined
carpet.

Remove burned brownies from oven. Collapse
and call the baker for delivery.


Funny Jokes -

Funny Jokes

| 0 comments links to this Funny Joke

9.19.2007

Pirate Jokes

Funny Jokes -

Pirate Jokes

In celebration of "Talk Like a Pirate Day" which is celebrated on September 19 each year, we bring you our favorite Pirate Joke which is on display over at Famous People Blog in this Pirate Jokes post.

Funny Jokes

| 0 comments links to this Funny Joke

Temperature's Rising

Temperature's Rising

TWO good ol' boys were discussing the summer heat. "It's been so hot
at my place that I've had to give my chickens shaved ice to keep them
from laying hard-boiled eggs," said one.

"That's nothin'," said the other. "This morning I saw my dog chasing a
jackrabbit up the road, and they were both walking."

Funny Jokes -

Funny Jokes

| 0 comments links to this Funny Joke

9.18.2007

Robert E. Lee

A very gentle Southern lady was driving across the Savannah River Bridge in Georgia one day. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixing (ready) to jump.

She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, "Please don't jump. Think of your dear mother and father."

He replied, "Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."

She said, "Well, think of your wife and children."

He replied, "I'm not married, and I don't have any kids."

She said, "Well, think of Robert E. Lee."

He replied, "Who's Robert E. Lee?"

She replied, "Well bless your heart, just go ahead and jump, you dumb Yankee."



Funny Jokes -

Funny Jokes

| 0 comments links to this Funny Joke

9.17.2007

Take heed...

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table, she had a near death experience.
Seeing God, she asked, " Is my time up"? God said, "No. You have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction and a tummy tuck.
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well look even nicer.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied, "Girrrlllllll, I didn't even recognize you!"



Funny Jokes -

Funny Jokes

| 0 comments links to this Funny Joke

9.14.2007

How Do You Want Your Eggs?

Seniors

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'Seniors'

Special' was two
eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99. "Sounds

good," my wife said.
But I don't want the eggs."

"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine

cents because you
re ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.

"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" My wife

asked
incredulously. "I'll take the special."

"How do you want your eggs?"

"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied.
She took the two eggs home.


Funny Jokes -

Funny Jokes

| 0 comments links to this Funny Joke

Morris and his wife Esther went to the county fair every year, and every
year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."

Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty
quid, and fifty quid is fifty quid."One year Esther and Morris went to the
fair, and Morris said, Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride in
that helicopter, I may never get another chance."To this, Esther replied,
"Morris, that helicopter ride is fifty quid, and fifty quid is fifty
quid."The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks, I'll make you a
deal. I'll take both of you for a ride.

If you can stay quiet for the whole time and not say a word, I won't
charge you, but if you say one word, it's fifty quid."Morris and Esther
agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He
did his dare-devil act over and over again, but still no sound.When they
landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "My word, I did everything I
could to get you to cry out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"Morris
replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther
fell out, but you know... fifty quid is fifty quid."

Funny Jokes -

Funny Jokes

| 0 comments links to this Funny Joke

9.13.2007

Language Jokes

An Iranian was at Toronto's International Air Terminal, outside of
immigration, awaiting his cousin's arrival into the Canada.


When the cousin finally exited customs, he happily greeted his waiting
relative in Farsi, the language of their native country.


The other Iranian waved him away contemptuously and said, "Hey, we're
in Canada now... speak French


Funny Jokes

Blog Awards

Funny Jokes

| 0 comments links to this Funny Joke

An elephant was drinking at a watering hole when a turtle approached. The elephant looked at the turtle for a minute and then gave it a swift kick. The turtle flew through the air and landed several hundred feet away.

A zebra standing close by asked, "Why did you kick that turtle?"

"Well," the elephant replied, "That turtle bit my foot 20 years ago.That was payback."

"How do you know it was the same turtle?"

The elephant looked at the zebra a minute and said, "I have turtle recall."

(Ugh!)

Jokes

Funny Jokes -

Funny Jokes

| 0 comments links to this Funny Joke

9.12.2007

Gramma

Shopping with Gramma

A young boy went to the store with his grandmother. On the way home, he looked at the items she had purchased. He found a package of panty hose and began to sound out the words "queen size." Excited, the boy turned to his grandmother and exclaimed,"Look, Grandma! You wear the same size as your bed."


Funny Jokes -

Funny Jokes

| 0 comments links to this Funny Joke

9.11.2007

Men and directions!

A little boy was waiting on his mother to come out of a
store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked,
"Son, can you tell me where the post office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure, just go straight down the
street a couple of blocks and turn to your right."

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new
preacher in town, and I'd like for you to come to church on
Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle, "Awww, come on; you
don't even know the way to the post office!"


Funny Jokes -

Funny Jokes

| 0 comments links to this Funny Joke

9.10.2007

Graduates

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"



Funny Jokes -

Funny Jokes

| 0 comments links to this Funny Joke

9.07.2007

Oxymoron

Oxymoron Definition: A rhetorical figure of speech in which
incongruous or contradictory terms are combined.

EXAMPLE: "Oxymoron": Removing the Ten Commandments from the
courthouse while making someone swear to tell the truth, the whole
truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God... while your hand
is on the Bible.



Funny Jokes -

Funny Jokes

| 0 comments links to this Funny Joke

9.06.2007

School

Tommy had reached school age. His mother managed with a
blast of propaganda to make him enthusiastic about the idea.
She bought him lots of new clothes, told him of the new
friends he'd meet, and so on.

When the first day came, Tommy eagerly went off and came
back home with a lot of glowing reports about school.

The next morning when his mother woke him up, he asked,
"What for?" She told him it was time to get ready for
school.

"What? Again?" he asked.





Funny Jokes -

Funny Jokes

| 0 comments links to this Funny Joke

9.05.2007

Blowing in the wind

"This house," said the real estate salesman, "has both its
good points and its bad points. To show you I'm honest, I'm
going to tell you about both.

"The disadvantages are that there is a chemical plant one
block south and a slaughterhouse a block north."

"What are the advantages?" inquired the prospective buyer.

"The advantage is that you can always tell which way the
wind is blowing."

Funny Jokes -

Funny Jokes

| 0 comments links to this Funny Joke

9.04.2007

Bill Cosby

“Sex education may be a good idea in the schools, but I don't believe the kids
should be given homework.”

Bill Cosby

Funny Jokes -

Funny Jokes

| 0 comments links to this Funny Joke