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Funny Jokes - Famous Jokes - Jesus

The Catholic Church's air conditioning broke down,
so they had to hire a man to crawl around in the
ducts and figure out what was wrong. As the man
peeked down through one of the vents in the
sanctuary, he saw little old Mrs. Murphy kneeling
by the altar, apparently saying her rosary. Since
the man was a fundamental Baptist, he thought it'd
be funny to try and mess with the woman's mind. In
his best authoritative voice, he said, "This is
Jesus. Your prayers will be answered."

The little old woman didn't even blink, just kept
on saying her prayers. The man decided maybe she
didn't hear him, and tried again. "This is Jesus,
the Son of God! Your prayers will be answered!"

Again, she didn't react at all. Mustering up a
big breath of air, the man decided to try again.

The woman looks up and says, "SHUT UP! I'M

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Funny Jokes Famous Jokes - Funny Jokes - Clanger

The beautiful eighteen-year-old girl sobbed hysterically at the funeral service
of her seventy-five-year-old husband. She confided in a friend, "We had such a
happy marriage for the three months it lasted. Every Sunday morning he would
make love to me, keeping time with the rhythm of the church bells."

She sobbed again, then added, "If that fire engine hadn't clanged by, he'd be
alive today."

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For those of you who are not "fortunate" enough to live in
California, here is a copy of the California Driver's Exam, and for
those of you who do, study real hard. This is a new exam. Since
driving conditions (and culture) are unique in Los Angeles, you may
not have realized that the California Department of Motor Vehicles
has now issued a special application and driver's test solely for
the Los Angeles Metropolitan Area.



Name:___________________ Stage name: _____________
Therapist name:_________________

Sex: ___ male ___ female ___
formerly male ___ formerly female ____ both _____

*If female, indicate breast implant size: _______
Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate
a motor vehicle in any way? Yes___ No ___

Please list brand of cell phone: ________.
*If you don't own a cell phone, please

Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Red [ ] Orange [ ] Green [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ]
Skinhead [ ]

Please check activities you perform while driving: (Check all that
[ ] Eating
[ ] Drinking Starbucks coffee
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Shaving (male or female)
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the back-seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[X] Snorting cocaine (already checked for your convenience)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop
[ ] Discharging firearms / Reloading
Please indicate how many times:
a) you expect to shoot at other drivers _____
b) how many times you expect to be shot at while driving ____

If you are the victim of a carjacking, you should immediately:
a) Call the police to report the crime.
b) Call Channel 9 News to report the crime, then watch your car on
the news in a high-speed chase.
c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against the cellular phone
company for 911 call not going through.
d) Call your therapist.

In the event of an earthquake, you should :
a) stop your car.
b) keep driving and hope for the best.
c) immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones.
d) pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 9.

In the instance of rain, you should:
a) never drive over 5 MPH.
b) drive twice as fast as usual.
c) you're not sure what "rain" is.

Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ______.

Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
a) Prozac
b) Zovirax
c) Lithium
d) Zanax
e) Valium
f) Zoloft
g) All of the above
h) None of the above
*If none, please explain: __________________.

Length of daily commute:
a) Less than 1 hour
b) 1 hour
c) 2 hours
d) 3 hours
e) 4 hours or more
* If less than 1 hour, please explain:____________________.

When stopped by police, you should:
a) pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready.
b) try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405 Freeway.
c) have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus
ensuring yourself a hefty lawsuit.

When turning, you should always signal your intentions by:
a) using your directional signals.
b) what is a "directional signal"?

Which part of your car will wear out most often?
a) the wiper blades
b) the belts
c) the horn

Automatic door locks are good for:
a) security
b) convenience
c) messing with the heads of people trying to get in

The "bright" setting on your headlights is for:
a) dark, poorly lit roads
b) flashing to get the car ahead to move out of the way
c) revenge!

Your rear view mirror is for:
a) watching for approaching cars
b) watching for approaching police cars
c) checking your hair

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Funny Jokes Famous Jokes - Custody

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their
children posed a problem.

The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought
the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his
justification. After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and
replied, "Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes
out, does the Pepsi belong to me or the machine?"

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Funny Jokes - Famous Jokes - Driving Blonde

Funny Jokes - Driving Blonde

A couple of blondes went on vacation in Colorado. They flew to Denver and rented
a car to sight see. One of the sights was a bridge that was more than 1,000 feet
above the river.

Walking out onto the bridge, they noticed it swaying in the wind. Soon after, a
car went past and the wood-plank roadway moved beneath their feet.

"I don't think I want to drive the car across this bridge," one blonde said to
the other.

"What are you worried about?" the second replied. "It's a rental."

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Funny Jokes Famous Jokes - The Doctor Visit

Funny Jokes - The Doctor Visit

A man goes to consult a specialist about his medical problem.

After the visit the man asks, "How much do I owe you?"

"My fee is five hundred dollars," replies the physician.

"Five hundred dollars? That's impossible. No one charges that much!"

"In your case," the doctor replies, "I suppose I could adjust my fee
to three hundred."

"Three hundred dollars? For one visit? Ridiculous."

"Well, then, could you afford two hundred?"

"Who has that kind of money?"

"Look, replies the doctor," growing irritated, "Just give me fifty
bucks and get out."

"I can give you twenty," says the man. "Take it or leave it."

"I don't understand you," says the doctor. "Why did you come to the
most expensive doctor in New York if you have no money?"

"Listen, Doctor", says the patient, "When it comes to my health,
nothing is too expensive."

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Funny Jokes Famous Jokes - Broken Seal

Funny Jokes - Broken Seal

When the mother returned from the grocery store, her small son pulled
out the box of animal crackers he had begged for, then he spread the
animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter.

"What are you doing?" his mom asked.

"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy

"I'm looking for the seal."

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Funny Jokes - Vultures

Two vultures boarded a plane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess
stops them and says "Sorry sir, only one carrion per passenger."

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Funny Jokes - Famous Jokes - MAP READING

Funny Jokes - MAP READING

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.

After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the
teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23
degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be
eating alone."

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MEDICAL INSURANCE EXPLAINED (Research done by the AARP Legal Department)

MEDICAL INSURANCE EXPLAINED (Research done by the AARP Legal Department)

Q. What does HMO stand for?

A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "HEY MOE." Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eye.


Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?

A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. The doctors basically fall into two categories--those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan. But don't worry, the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day's drive away and a diploma from a third world country.


Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?

A. No. Only those you need.


Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?

A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.


Q What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?

A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.


Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?

A. Poke yourself in the eye.


Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick?

A. You really shouldn't do that.


Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his/her office?

A. Hard to say, but considering that all your risking is the $20 co-payment, there's no harm in giving it a shot.


Q. Will health care be different in the next century?

A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.

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Government Cows

You have two cows.

Your rich neighbor has ten thousand cows. In an election year, he
gives two of those cows to his congressman. He gives two each to his
senators, and each member of his family gives two cows to the
president's re-election campaign.

The following April, the government comes and takes one of your
cows, and gives it to your rich neighbor.

In February, your other cow dies because someone dumped industrial
waste in the aquifer. You can't sue, though, because a "no lawsuits
over dead cows" clause was recently added to an omnibus
appropriations bill.

The state comes and asks for your cow, because its budget is in
shambles. You don't have any cows anymore. The state takes your

While walking to the homeless shelter, you notice your rich neighbor
putting his cows in semi- trucks. "Where are these cows going?" you
ask a driver.

"Can't say," he replies. "It's a matter of national security."

"Seriously?" you ask, incredulous.

"Nah, just joshin' you," he says. "These here are being shipped off
to an overseas cow shelter. He's tired of giving his cows to the

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The grasshopper

A grasshopper goes into a neighborhood bar. The bartender looks at
him and says, "I am delighted to see you here. Do you know that we
have a drink named after you?"

The grasshopper pauses for a minute and replies, "Why did you name a
drink 'Fred'?"

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Funny Jokes Famous Jokes - Farming

We were looking to buy property and this over zealous realtor showed
us what can only be described as a totally worn-out old farm.

I mean the land had just been worked to death. The weeds were hardly
even growing. The smiling super salesman said, "Now really, all this
land needs is a little water, a nice cool breeze and some good people."

I replied, "Yeah, I agree, but couldn't the same be said of Hell?"

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Funny Jokes - Laws of Golf

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to
come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the
supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a
summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately
by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases
with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot
be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the
golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one
does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing
partners must solemnly chant "You looked up" -- or else invoke the
wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems
himself as an instructor.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to
humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it
works against you?

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of power at the farthest point
from the clubhouse.

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than
anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into
will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a
convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.

LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same sleeve tend to follow one another,
particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law 3).

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt."
Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an
easy one, sucker."

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the
one who beats you.

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust
your score to what it really should be.

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until

LAW 21: Absolutely, positively no more than one mulligan per hole.
Unless you really need it.

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Lines from Star Wars that can be improved if you
substitute the word "Pants"

A tremor in the pants. The last time I felt this was in the presence
of my old master.

You are unwise to lower your pants.

We've got to be able to get some reading on those pants, up or down.

She must have hidden the plans in her pants. Send a detachment down
to retrieve them. See to it personally Commander.

These pants may not look like much, kid, but they've got it where it

I find your lack of pants disturbing.

These pants contain the ultimate power in the Universe. I suggest we
use it.

Han will have those pants down. We've got to give him more time!

General Veers, prepare your pants for a surface assault.

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Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and
car keys to teenage boys.

P. J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

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funny Jokes - Tax time

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said,
"Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die, you will
have my remains cremated."

"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with
your ashes?"

The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail
them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope,
'Now, you have everything.'"

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Lawyer Jokes

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?

They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't
figure out which side to spit on.

How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?

She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.

How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.

How many lawyer jokes are there?
Only three. The rest are true stories.

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Funny Jokes - Jury Selection

An important and very well publicized murder trial was soon to begin. In preparation for the trial, the tiresome jury selection process took place, each side hotly contesting and dismissing potential jurors.

One prospective juror, Roland was called for his question session.

He was asked, "Home owner?"

Roland replied, "Yes, I am."

Then he was asked, "Married or single?"

Roland responded, "Married for twenty plus years."

Then he was asked if he had, "Formed or expressed an opinion..."

And before he could finish with "... on this case", Roland blurted out, "Not in twenty plus years, Your Honor."

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A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and
I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" The
man replied, "My wife is poisoning me." The Rabbi, very surprised by
this, asks, "How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you,
I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?" The Rabbi then
offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out
and I'll let you know."A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says.
"Well, I spoke to your wife. spoke to her on the phone for three hours.
You want my advice?" The man said yes, and the Rabbi replied, "Take the

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Funny Jokes - Bad language

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher'shand. He said,
"Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!"

The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use such language."

The man said, "I was so damn impressed with that sermon I put five thousanddollars in the offering plate!"

The preacher said, "No shit?"

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