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11.30.2007

Funny Jokes - Famous Jokes - The wrong color - This is sick!

A woman went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly
departed husband.

The instant she saw him she started crying.

One of the undertakers strides up to provide comfort in this somber
moment. Through her tears she explains that she is upset because her
dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his dying wish to
be buried in a blue suit.

The undertaker apologizes and explains that traditionally, they
always put the bodies in a black suit, but he'd see what he could
arrange. The next day she returned to the undertakers to have one
last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day. When
the undertaker pulls back the curtain, she manages to smile through
her tears as Albert is resplendent in a smart blue suit.

She says to the undertaker "Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you
get that beautiful blue suit?"

"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your
husband's size was brought in & he was wearing a blue suit. His wife
explained that she was very upset as he had always wanted to be
buried in a black suit," the undertaker replied.

The wife smiled at the man.

He continued, "After that, it was simply a matter of swapping the
heads."

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11.29.2007

Funny Jokes - Famous Jokes - Jokes - Two Women Meet in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! My name is Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I
began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about
you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my
husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But
instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that
I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and
searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet
and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere,
and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack
and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive!

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11.28.2007

Funny Jokes - Famous Jokes - Jokes - Scared to Fly

Funny Jokes - Scared to Fly

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and
returned to the gate. After an hour long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," he explained.

"Did you fix the noise?" asked the passenger.

"No. It just took us awhile to find a new pilot."

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11.27.2007

Funny Jokes - Famous Jokes - Jokes - Procreation

Funny Jokes - Procreation

Two mothers are talking about a friend who has just given birth to
triplets.

"You know, that only happens one in 12,000 times," says one.

"Amazing," says the other. "How did she ever find time to do any
housework?"

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11.26.2007

Funny Jokes - Famous Jokes - Jokes - Marriage

When you see a married man open the car door for his
wife, one of two things is true; either the car is
new, or the wife.

Before you marry, a man will stay awake all night
thinking about something you said; after you marry,
he'll fall asleep before you finish.

Getting married is grand; getting un-married, about
a hundred grand.

Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, a good
cook, economical, and great in bed; but by law, you
can only have one.

A man is not complete until he's married; then he's
finished

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11.21.2007

You Know You Have Had Too Much Coffee When...

You Know You Have Had Too Much Coffee When...
*Juan Valdez names his donkey after you

*You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked

*You grind your coffee beans in your mouth

*You sleep with your eyes open

*You have to watch videos in fast-forward

*You lick your coffee pot clean

*Your eyes stay open when you sneeze

*The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse

*You can type sixty words a minute with your feet

*You can jump-start your car without cables

*Your only sources of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low"

*You don't sweat, you percolate


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11.19.2007

Funny Jokes - Famous Jokes - Jokes - Olie's Chinese Restaurant

Funny Jokes - Olie's Chinese Restaurant

You know how every now and then you find an incongruity in business
names?
Well, here's a doozy. "Olafsen's Chinese Restaurant" Upscale
restaurant, too, that had obviously been in business a while. I asked myself
what on earth someone of obvious Norwegian heritage was doing opening up a
Chinese restaurant, unless maybe it was by marriage.

Ate there and it was delicious. Asked the Maitre D', who was obviously
oriental, about the name. Turns out he was the son of the owner.

When his dad was a young man he emigrated to America. As he was standing in
line for immigration services the employee was taking names and filling out
the forms for the people who didn't write English. He had just finished with a
Norwegian group, moved down to his dad and asked his name and he told him:

Sam Ting.

And the rest is history.

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11.16.2007

Funny Jokes - Funny Joke - CHICKEN???

Funny Jokes - CHICKEN???


One day a State Trooper was pulling off
an expressway near Chicago. When he
turned onto the street at the end of the ramp,
he noticed someone at a chicken place
getting into his car. The driver placed the
bucket of chicken on top of his car, got in
and drove off with the bucket still on top
of his car.

So the trooper decides to pull him over
and perform a community service by giving
the driver his chicken.

He pulled the guy over, walked up to the car,
pulled the bucket off the roof and offered it
to the driver. The driver looks at the trooper
and says, "No thanks, I just bought some."

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11.15.2007

Funny Jokes - Famous Jokes - Jokes - Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!!

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch

standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of

airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all

traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate

frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to

test the strength of the windshields.



British engineers heard about the gun and were eager

to test it on the windshields of their new high speed

trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to

the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the

engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of

the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield,

smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control

console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and

embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an

arrow shot from a bow.



The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results

of the experiment, along with the designs of the

windshield and begged the US scientists for

suggestions.



You're going to love this...



NASA responded with a one-line memo............



"Defrost the chicken."

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11.14.2007

Funny Jokes - Famous Jokes - Jokes - Blonde Jokes - Angry Blonde

Funny Jokes - Blonde Jokes - Angry Blonde


A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde
female neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the
mailbox.

She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box
and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the
house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out
again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed
harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To
which she replied, "There certainly is!"



My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."


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11.13.2007

Funny Jokes - Famous Jokes - Jokes - Are You A Blue Neck?

Blue Necks are Northerners -- the opposite of Rednecks. Because of
Redneck jokes, here are some takes on how Southern folks look at Northerners (or
how Northerners sometimes think of themselves;)
YOU JUST MIGHT BE A BLUE NECK IF... ..Instead of referring to two or more
people as "Y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.
..You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."
..You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY.
..You would never stop to buy something somebody was cooking on the side of the
road. (e.g., boiled peanuts, not road kill, Dummy!)
..You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce correctly.
..For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes-au-gratin to grits.
..You don't know what a moon pie is. You have probably never watched a moon pie
in a microwave. Awesome!
..You've never had an RC Cola.
..You've never, ever eaten okra -- fried, boiled, or pickled.
..You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
..You have no idea what a polecat is.
..You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on your dog.
..You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV
fishing show.
..You drink either "Pop" or "Soda"- instead of "Cokes."
..You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-'n-knife show.
.. You have never been hep'd.
..You think more money should go to important scientific research at your
university than to pay the salary of the head football coach
..You have never gone to a family reunion to pick up women.
..You don't even have one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.
..You couldn't find the eye of the stove if your life depended on it.
..You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
.You have more than one professional sports team in your home state.
..You call binoculars opera glasses.
..You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road
and stopping.
..You can't spit without opening your mouth.
..You don't know anyone with at least two first names (i.e., Joe Bob, Faye
Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Joe Dan, Mary Alice)
..You don't know any women with male names (i.e., Tommie, Bobbie, Freddie,
Johnnie, Jimmie, Ricki)
..You don't have Maw-maw's, Me-maws, Pawpaw's or Pappaw's.
..You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
..None of your fur coats are homemade.


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11.12.2007

Funny Jokes - Famous Jokes - Jokes - Old Goats

A group of Wisconsin senior citizens were traveling by tour bus
through Austria. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide
led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that
goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where
many goats were grazing.

"These" she explained "are the older goats put out to pasture when they
no longer produce." She then asked, "What do you do in Wisconsin with
your old goats?" A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus
tours!"

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11.09.2007

Funny Jokes - Famous Jokes - Jokes - God

"Dilemma Solved"

God is talking to one of his angels.

He says, "Boy, I just created a 24-hour
period of alternating light and darkness
on Earth."

The angel says, "What are you going
to do now?"

God says, "Call it a day."


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11.08.2007

Funny Jokes - Famous Jokes - Jokes - Are You A Republican?

Funny Jokes - Are You A Republican?

You Might Be A Republican If...

- You've ever tried to prove that Jesus was a capitalist and opposed
to
welfare.
- You're a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.
- You think "proletariat" is a type of cheese.
- You've named your kids "Deduction One" and "Deduction Two".
- You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people
were just
allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.
- You've ever referred to someone as "my (insert racial or ethnic
minority
here) friend".
- You think Huey Newton is a cookie.
- The only union you support is the Baseball Players, because heck,
they're richer than you.
- You think you might remember laughing once as a kid.
- You once broke loose at a party and removed your neck tie.
- You call mall rent-a-cops "jack-booted thugs".
- You've ever referred to the moral fiber of something.
- You've ever uttered the phrase,"Why don't we just bomb the
sons-of-bitches?"

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11.07.2007

Funny Jokes - Famous Jokes - Jokes - The Time

Funny Jokes - The Time

A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his
destination.

He decided to stop at the next city he came to, and park somewhere quiet so he
could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he
chose happened to be on one of the city's major jogging routes.

No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his
window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.

"Yes?"

"Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?" The man looked at the
car clock and answered, "8:15." The jogger said thanks and left.

The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock
on the window and another jogger. "Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?"

"8:25!"

The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by
and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him.

To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window
saying, "I do not know the time!"

Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was
another knock on the window.

"Sir, sir? It's 8:45!"

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11.06.2007

Funny Jokes - Famous Jokes - Sunday Sermon

Funny Jokes - Sunday Sermon

Sunday after church a Mom asked her very young daughter what the
lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get
your quilt."

Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor
stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday
school lesson was about.

He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming".


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11.05.2007

Funny Jokes - Famous Jokes - Manhole

One day this man was jumping up and down on a manhole cover,
screaming at the top of his lungs, "Seventeen!! Seventeen!!"
Intrigued by the man's insane behavior, another man walks over to
him and asks why he is doing that.
The first man responded, "It's a blast.You have to try it. Jump as high as you
can and scream 'Seventeen!!' as loud as humanly possible. You get such a rush.
Try it."
Reluctantly, the second man gets on the manhole cover and barely
hops and says, "Seventeen?" very timidly.
The first one says, "No, no, no. You're doing it wrong. Jump higher.
Yell louder."
So, the second man begins jumping a little higher and speaking
louder than normal. Finally he says, "Hey, you know, I am getting a little
bit of a rush. Seventeen!! Seventeen!!"
The man jumps higher and higher, screaming louder and louder. The
first man, once the second had jumped high enough, yanked the manhole
cover out from under the second, causing him to fall down the manhole.
The first man replaced the cover and, once again, began jumping and
screaming, "Eighteen!! Eighteen!!"

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11.02.2007

Funny Jokes Famous Jokes - Funny Jokes - All banged up....

Funny Jokes - All banged up....

"What happened to you?" asked a hospital visitor to the heavily
bandaged man sitting up in bed.

"Well, I went to the Amusement Park over the weekend and decided to
take a ride on the roller coaster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop,
I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it but it was
very small and I couldn't make it out. I was so curious that I decided to
go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see what
the sign said.
"By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third
time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better
view."

"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the
visitor.

"Yes."

"What did it say?"

"Don't stand up in the car!"


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11.01.2007

Funny Jokes Famous Jokes - Funny Jokes - Bargain

Hubert called the obituary section of a local newspaper.

He inquired, "Tell me, how much would it cost to have an obitualry printed?"

The ad clerk politely told him, "It would be $5 a word, sir!"

"That's fine," said Hubert, after a moment of adding.

"Then write, 'Bubba died.'" he dictated to the clerk.

"Oh, that's all?" asked the clerk, anticipating a big write-up.

"Yes, that's it. And charge the $10 to my credit card, please."

"Hold it Sir, I am sorry, but I should have informed you that the ad must be
a minimum of five words."

Hubert got annoyed at the failure of his calculations. He blasted the clerk,
"Yes, you should have told me that right away!!"

After a moment of updating his cost versus benefit, he loudlly dictated again,
"OK, write, "Bubba dead, truck for sale."

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