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12.27.2007

Funny Jokes - Famous Jokes - Play with words

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

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ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~





DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:




ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE


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Funny Jokes - Famous Jokes - Play with words

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~





DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:




ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

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12.26.2007

Funny Jokes - Famous Jokes - Engineers

What's the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons.

Civil engineers build targets.


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12.21.2007

Funny Jokes - Famous Jokes - Confession

A priest was being honored at his retirement
dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading
local politician and member of the congregation
was chosen to make the presentation and give a
little speech at the dinner.

He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his
own few words while they waited. "I got my first
impression of the parish from the first confession
I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to
a terrible place. The very first person to enter my
confessional told me he had stolen a television
set and, when questioned by the police, was able
to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from
his parents, embezzled from his employer, had
an affair with his boss' wife, and had taken illegal drugs.


I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew
that my people were not all like that and I had,
indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and
loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician
arrived full of apologies at being late. He
immediately began to make the presentation
and gave his talk. "I'll never forget the first day
our parish priest arrived," said the politician.
"In fact, I had the honor of being the first one
to go to him in confession."


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12.20.2007

Funny Jokes - Famous Jokes - Mortuary

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles
on their faces. The coroner calls the police to show them what's happened.

A Detective Inspector is sent and is taken straight to the first body.
"Englishman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his
mistress. Hence the enormous smile Inspector", says the Coroner.

The DI is taken to the second dead man. "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand
pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning,
hence the smile."

"Nothing unusual here", thinks the DI, and asks to be shown the last
body.
"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Irishman, 30,
struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
To which the coroner replies: "Thought he was having his picture taken."


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12.19.2007

Funny Jokes - Famous Jokes - The Real Man Test

Note: All "real men" answer "C" to all of these questions. Knowing this, women
will have come far in understanding men and enriching their own lives if they
carefully review the "C" answers.

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the
first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present
you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing
all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and
poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire
Earth.

You decide to:

A. Present it to the President of the United States.

B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.

C. Take it apart.



2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the
most?

A. Innocence.

B. Idealism.

C. Cherry bombs.



3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for
narrow-minded social conventions.

B. When he is the Pope. (Not on the lips.)

C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really
sportsman-like way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have
him killed.

4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

A. A cat.

B. A dog.

C. A dog that eats cats.



5. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and
intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon
the two of you are taking it easy. You're watching a football game; she's
reading the papers when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that
she thinks she really loves you, but, she can no longer bear the uncertainty of
not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether
you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of
future together. What do you say?

A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't
want to rush it.

B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you can not honestly say
that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't
want to hurt her by holding out false hope.

C. That you cannot believe the Broncos called a draw play on third and
seventeen.



6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend
the rest of your life with her, sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has
to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?

A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.

B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when
she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing through her hair and the stars in
her eyes, you tell her.

C. Tell her what?


7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your
three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:

A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"

B. "They're in school already?"

C. "There are three of them?"



8. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large
that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.

B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be
handled with tweezers.

C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the
garbage regularly in case somebody and we are not naming names, but this would
be his wife is quietly trying to discard his underwear (which she is frankly
jealous of because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it
than with her).



9. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that
Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally
got to the Promised Land?

A. He was being tested.

B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got
there.

C. He refused to ask for directions.



10. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?

A. Democracy.

B. Religion.

C. Remote control.


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12.18.2007

Funny Jokes - Famous Jokes - Grandma

After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks
and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children
getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a
towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with
stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a
trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

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12.13.2007

Funny Jokes - Famous Jokes - Re-Marry

A woman confided to her girlfriend, "My ex-husband wants to marry me again."

The friend said, "How flattering."

The woman replied, "Not really. I think he's after the money I married him for."

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12.12.2007

Funny Jokes - Famous Jokes - Criminal Justice

Funny Jokes - Criminal Justice


A man was charged with stealing a Ferrari, and after a long trial, the
jury acquitted him. Later that day he came back to the judge who had
presided at the hearing.

"Your honor," he said, "I want you to issue a warrant of arrest for
that dirty lawyer of mine."

"Why?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. What do you want to
have him arrested for?"

"Well, your honor," the man replied, "I didn't have the money to pay
his fee, so he went and took the car I stole!"

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12.10.2007

Funny Jokes - Famous Jokes - Unnatural Laws

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands
become coated with grease your nose will
begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when
dropped, will roll to the least accessible
corner.

Law of probability: The probability of being
watched is directly proportional to the
stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong
number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were
late for work because you had a flat tire, the
very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic
lanes), the one you were in will start to move
faster than the one you are in now. (works
every time)

Bath Theorem: When the body is fully
immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters: The probability of
meeting someone you know increases when
you are with someone you don't want to be
seen with.

Law of the Result: When you try to prove to
someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the
itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Theatre Rule: At any event, the people
whose seats are furthest from the aisle
arrive last.

Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to
a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you
to do something which will last until the
coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only
two people in a locker room, they will have
adjacent lockers.

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of
an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face
down on a floor covering are directly
correlated to the newness and cost of the
carpet/rug.

Law of Location: No matter where you go,
there you are.

Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible
if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product
that you really like, they will stop making it.



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12.07.2007

Funny Jokes - Famous Jokes - The Bragging Cowboy

Funny Jokes - THE BRAGGING COWBOY

Three cowboys were hanging out in the bunkhouse. "I know that smart
aleck
Tex," said the first. "He's going to start bragging about that new
foreign
car he bought as soon as he gets back."

"Not Tex," the second cowboy replied. "He'll always be just a good ol'
boy.
When he walks in, I'm sure all he'll say is hello."

"I know Tex better than either of you," said the third. "He's so smart,
he'll figure out a way to do both. Here he comes now."

Tex swung open the bunkhouse door, walks in and shouts, "Audi,
partners!"


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12.06.2007

Funny Jokes - Famous Jokes - Werds

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly
answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run
over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by
proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with
Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that,when
you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by
Jewish men.

The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any
word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one
letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright
ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little
sign of breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.

3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
person who doesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

9. Karmageddon (n): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these
really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like,a
serious bummer.

10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
they come at you rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your
bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in
the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.


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12.05.2007

Funny Jokes - Famous Jokes - Kinda Dirty

Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform
sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but
nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian
medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." That said, he
throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing
blue smoke.

Then he says, "This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a
year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it will rise for as long as you
wish" The guy asks, "What happens when I don't want to continue?" The
medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and
it will go down. But be warned - it will not work again for another
year."

Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess. That
night he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on
his most exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her
says, "123."

He suddenly becomes more aroused than any previous time in his life -
just as the medicine man had promised. Joyce, who had been facing
away, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"

And now you know why you shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition.


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12.04.2007

Funny Jokes - Famous Jokes - Eyesight

A woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all
strung out. She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this
morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled
up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out,
and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?" The
doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, "Well, I can
tell you one thing... there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."



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12.03.2007

Funny Jokes - Famous Jokes - Jewish Mothers

Q: What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers?
A: "Is ANYTHING all right?"

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