Funny Jokes - Famous Jokes - Diary of a Mad Digital Homeowner

Diary of a Mad Digital Homeowner

Nov 28:
Moved in to my new digitally-maxed out Hermosa Beach house at last.
Finally, we live in the smartest house in the neighborhood.
Everything's networked. The cable TV is connected to our phone,
which is connected to my personal computer, which is connected to
the power lines, all the appliances and the security system.
Everything runs off a universal remote with the friendliest
interface I've ever used. Programming is a snap. I'm like,
totally wired.

Nov 30:
Hot Stuff! Programmed my VCR from the office, turned up the
thermostat and switched on the lights with the car phone, remotely
tweaked the oven a few degrees for my pizza. Everything nice & cozy
when I arrived. Maybe I should get the universal remote surgically
attached.

Dec 1:
Had to call the SmartHouse people today about bandwidth problems.
The TV drops to about 2 frames/second when I'm talking on the
phone. They insist it's a problem with the cable company's
compression algorithms. How do they expect me to order things from
the Home Shopping Channel?

Dec 8:
Got my first SmartHouse invoice today and was unpleasantly
surprised. I suspect the cleaning woman of reading Usenet from the
washing machine interface when I'm not here. She must be down-
loading one hell of a lot of GIFs from the binary groups, because
packet charges were through the roof on the invoice.

Dec 3:
Yesterday, the kitchen CRASHED. Freak event. As I opened the
refrigerator door, the light bulb blew. Immediately, everything
else electrical shut down -- lights, microwave, coffee maker --
everything. Carefully unplugged and replugged all the appliances.
Nothing. Call the cable company (but not from the kitchen phone).
They refer me to the utility. The utility insists that the problem
is in the software. So the software company runs some remote
telediagnostics via my house processor. Their expert system claims
it has to be the utility's fault. I don't care, I just want my
kitchen back. More phone calls; more remote diag's.

Turns out the problem was "unanticipated failure mode": The network
had never seen a refrigerator bulb failure while the door was open.
So the fuzzy logic interpreted the burnout as a power surge and
shut down the entire kitchen. But because sensor memory confirmed
that there hadn't actually been a power surge, the kitchen logic
sequence was confused and it couldn't do a standard restart. The
utility guy swears this was the first time this has ever happened.
Rebooting the kitchen took over an hour.

Dec 7:
The police are not happy. Our house keeps calling them for help.
We discover that whenever we play the TV or stereo above 25
decibels, it creates patterns of micro-vibrations that get
amplified when they hit the window. When these vibrations mix
with a gust of wind, the security sensors are actuated, and the
police computer concludes that someone is trying to break in. Go
figure.

Another glitch: Whenever the basement is in self-diagnostic mode,
the universal remote won't let me change the channels on my TV.
That means I actually have to get up off the couch and change the
channels by hand. The software and the utility people say this
flaw will be fixed in the next upgrade -- SmartHouse 2.1. But
it's not ready yet.

Finally, I'm starting to suspect that the microwave is secretly
tuning into the cable system to watch Bay Watch. The unit is
completely inoperable during that same hour. I guess I can live
with that. At least the blender is not tuning in to old I Love
Lucy episodes.


Funny Jokes

Funny Jokes - Famous Jokes - "Irish Prayer"

"Irish Prayer"

Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he
slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running
down his leg. "Please Lord," he implored, "let it be blood!!"

Funny Jokes

Funny Jokes - Famous Jokes - Elderly

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very
elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"
"98," she replied. "Two years older than me."
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home is it?"

Funny Jokes

Funny Jokes - Famous Jokes - Lawyers

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people
couldn't figure out which side to spit on.


How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.


How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.

Funny Jokes

Funny Jokes - Famous Jokes - Top 45 Oxymorons:

Top 45 Oxymorons:

45. Act naturally
44. Found missing
43. Resident alien
42. Advanced BASIC
41. Genuine imitation
40. Airline Food
39. Good grief
38. Same difference
37. Almost exactly
36. Government organization
35. Sanitary landfill
34. Alone together
33. Legally drunk
32. Silent scream
31. Living dead
30. Small crowd
29. Business ethics
28. Soft rock
27. Butt Head
26. Military Intelligence
25. Software documentation
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
22. Childproof
21. "Now, then ..."
20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct Life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased
10. Computer security
9. Political science
8. Tight slacks
7. Definite maybe
6. Pretty ugly
5. Twelve-ounce pound cake
4. Diet ice cream
3. Working vacation
2. Exact estimate
1. Microsoft Works

Funny Jokes

Funny Jokes - Famous Jokes - Community Service

One night a teenage girl brought her new boy-friend
home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by
his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots,
tattoos and pierced nose.

Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and
confessed their concern.

"Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't
seem very nice."

"Mom," replied the daughter, "if he wasn't nice, why
would he be doing 5000 hours of community service?"

Funny Jokes -

Funny Jokes - Famous Jokes - A Joyous Day!

A Joyous Day!

A mother traveled 2,000 miles to be with her only son
on the day he was to receive his Air Force wings and
also get married.

"It was wonderful," she said later. "It isn't every day
that a mother watches her son receive his wings in
the morning and have them clipped in the evening."

Funny Jokes

Funny Jokes - Famous Jokes - Cousin Bubba Joe Ain't so Dumb after All

COUSIN BUBBA JOE AIN'T SO DUMB AFTER ALL

Bubba Joe's first military assignment was to a military induction
center, and,because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of
advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI
insurance to which they were entitled.

Before long the Captain in charge of the induction center began
noticing that Bubba was getting a 99% sign up for the top GI insurance.

This was odd, because it would cost these poor inductees
nearly $30.00 per month more for their higher coverage
than what the government was already granting.

The Captain decided that he would not ask Bubba Joe about his selling
techniques but that he would sit in the back of the room and observe
Bubba's sales pitch.

Bubba Joe stood up before his latest group of inductees and stated,
"If you have the normal GI insurance and go to Iraq and are killed,
the government pays your beneficiary $6,000.

"If you take out the supplemental GI insurance (which will cost you an
additional $30.00 per month), the government pays your beneficiary
$200,000.

"NOW," Bubba concluded, "which bunch do you think Bush
is gonna send into battle first?"


Funny Jokes

Funny Jokes - Famous Jokes - Audit

Audit

A man was called in for an audit by the IRS..He asked his accountant for
advice on what to wear. "Wear your worst clothing and an old pair of
shoes. Let them think you're a pauper, " the Accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice:
"Don't let them intimidate you. Wear your best suit and an expensive tie."

Confused, the man went to his Rabbi who would surely know the correct answer.
He told him of the conflicting advice he had received, and asked what he
should do.

"Let me tell you a story," replied the Rabbi. "A woman, about to be married,
asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. Her mother advised; wear
a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck and wool
socks."

But when the woman asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice: "Wear
your sexiest negligee, with a V-neck right down to your navel."The man did
not understand. "But Rabbi, what does all this have to do with my problem with
the IRS?"

"It doesn't matter what you wear," replied the Rabbi, "you're going to get
screwed."


Funny Jokes

Funny Jokes - Famous Jokes - Cat

Even overweight cats instinctively know the cardinal rule when
fat, arrange yourself in slim poses.
- John Weitz

Funny Jokes

Funny Jokes - Famous Jokes - Cat

Cat owners, beware ...

A woman is enjoying a good game of golf with her girlfriends one
day.

"Oh, No! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's
going to be really ticked if it's not ready on time."
When she gets home, she realizes she doesn't have enough time to
go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted
lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens
the can of cat food, stirs in the egg and garnishes it with the
lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up.

She greets her husband and then watches in horror as he sits down
to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband is really enjoying his
dinner.
"Darling, this the best dinner you have made for me in forty years
of marriage. You can make this for me any old day.

Needless to say, every golf day from then on, the woman made her
husband the same dish. She told her golf partners about it and
they were all horrified.

"You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.

Two months later, her husband died. The women were sitting around
when one of them said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding
him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit
there so calmly knowing you murdered your husband?"
The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the
window sill while he was licking his behind."


Funny Jokes

Funny Jokes - Famous Jokes - Written by a man!

Written by a man!

Dear Diary,

I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so
much. And I have never figured out the whole 'Venus and Mars' thing. I've also
never figured out why men think with their head while women think with their
heart. And I've yet to figure out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a
state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do". One evening last week, my wife
and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she
eventually says: "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me". I said:
"WHAT??????" So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet
dread. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a
Woman. I'm thinking: "What was her first clue?". I finally realize that nothing
was going to happen that night, so I went to sleep. The very next day, we went
shopping at a big, unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she
tried on three different very expensive outfits. She could not decide which one
to take so I told her to take all three of them. She then tells me that she
wants matching shoes worth $200.00 a pair to which I say ok. And then we go to
the jewelry dept. where she gets a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell
you.......she was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of
a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I think she was testing me when she
asked for a tennis bracelet because she does not even play tennis. I think I
threw her for a loop when I told her that it was ok. She was so excited by all
of this when she finally said: "I'm ready to go to the cash register". I could
hardly contain myself when I blurted out: "No, honey I don't feel like buying
all this stuff now." You should have seen her face......it went completely
blank. I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a
while". And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added,
"You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man". I figure that I
won't be having sex again until sometime after the spring of 2016.

Funny Jokes

Funny Jokes - Famous Jokes - Life of Riley

Life of Riley

A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a long-time
resident who's very old. The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.
The old-timer says, " Look at me. I'm old and worn out. But I used to
live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine
cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of
France."

The new inmate asked, "What happened?"

"One day Riley reported his credit cards missing."

Funny Jokes

Funny Jokes - Famous Jokes -Valentine Candy Heart Messages For Wall Street

Valentine Candy Heart Messages For Wall Street


1. I'm long you.

2. Let's do a reverse split.

3. Let me be your full-service broker.

4. I'm into after-hours trading.

5. I want to cover your shorts.

6. You're Microsoft.

7. Let's play FTSE (Footsie).

8. I'm into bond-age, and stocks.

9. Let's show each other our Intimate Brands.

10. Kiss Intel. (Get it? Kiss and tell, kiss Intel, kiss and
Intel... aw forget it.)

11. High liquidity, high volume.

12. I crave active management.

13. Fannie Mae, but I won't.

14. Don't worry, I've fixed my income.

15. I've got a gross domestic product.

16. I've had problems with inflation.

17. Is this forever, or just a one-time charge?

18. I'm too tired for a secondary offering.

19. Warning I have high turnover.

20. You speed up my ticker.

21. I'd like to caress your Mellon.

22. Sorry, I'm not into pork bellies.

23. I prefer to do it on the pink sheets.


Funny Jokes

Funny Jokes - Famous Jokes - The Veracity of Lawyers

The veracity of lawyers

A young boy walked up to his father and asked,
"Dad? Does a lawyer ever tell the truth?"

The Father thought for a moment. "Yes Son," he replied,
"Sometimes a lawyer will do anything to win a case."

Funny Jokes

Funny Jokes - Famous Jokes - Telephone Answering System.....

Telephone Answering System.....

This is the answering machine message the Pacific Palisades High School
(California) staff voted to record on their school telephone answering
system. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring
students
and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and
missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents
who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades
even though those children were absent 15 to 30 times during the
semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes.


"Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your
school. In order to assist you in connecting with the right staff
member, please listen to all your options before making a selection:

To lie about why your child is absent -- Press 1

To make excuses for why your child did not do his work -- Press 2

To complain about what we do -- Press 3

To swear at staff members -- Press 4

To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in
your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you -- Press 5

If you want us to raise your child -- Press 6

If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone -- Press 7

To request another teacher for the third time this year -- Press 8

To complain about bus transportation -- Press 9

To complain about school lunches -- Press 0

If you realize this is the real world and your child must be
accountable/responsible for his/her own behavior, class work,
homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your children's
lack of effort, hang up and have a nice day!"

Funny Jokes

Funny Jokes - Famous Jokes - A well planned life

A well planned life

Two senior ladies met for the first time since graduating from high
school. One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school,
did you manage to live a well planned life?"

"Oh yes," said her friend. "My first marriage was to a millionaire;

My second marriage was to an actor; my third marriage was to a
preacher; now I'm married to an undertaker."

Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well
planned life?"

"One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four to
go."

Funny Jokes

Funny Jokes - Famous Jokes - Cards...

Cards...

A rabbi, a minister, and a priest were playing poker when the police raided
the game. Turning to the priest, the lead police officer said, "Father
Murphy, were you gambling?"

Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispered, "Lord, forgive me for what
I am about to do." To the police officer, he then said, "No, officer; I was
not gambling."

The officer then asked the minister, "Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?"
Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replied, "No, officer; I was
not gambling."

Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asked, "Rabbi Goldstein, were you
gambling?"

Shrugging his shoulders, the Rabbi replied . . . "With whom?"

Funny Jokes

Funny Jokes - Famous Jokes - Dogs

Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive
evidence that you are wonderful.

Funny Jokes

Funny Jokes - Famous Jokes - Woman's Perfect Breakfast

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

Funny Jokes