Funny Quotes - Insults

She never was really charming till she died.
- Terence



Famous Sayings

Funny Jokes

Pet Diary

Excerpts from a Dog's Daily Diary

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE! 10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 12:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE! 4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 5:30 pm - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE! 6:00 pm - OH BOY! PLAYING BALL! MY FAVORITE! 6:30 pm - OH BOY! DAD! MY FAVORITE! 9:15 pm - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE! 9:30 pm - OH BOY! SLEEPING IN MASTER'S BED! MY FAVORITE!

Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary

Day 183 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the furniture and the drapes.

Yesterday I feigned sleeping on third stair from the top while the lights were out. This caused a catapult of my captor down the stairs to avoid stepping on me, but unfortunately there were no injuries. Will do this every night until I get results.

Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. Must try this at the top of the stairs.

In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair. Must try this on their bed.

Tomorrow I will eat another houseplant.

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless, bloody body in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of. This should strike fear into their hearts. Instead they only cooed and condescended about what a good little mouser I was. Hmmm, next time I'll bring them a baby bird.

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the suspended metal room his safety is assured, but I can wait. It is only a matter of time.

Famous Quotes

Funny Quotes - Insults

She looks like something that would eat its young.
- Dorothy Parker



Famous Quotes

Funny Jokes - Silly Jokes

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude theyll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob." All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Dont forget the coffee!"



Quotes

Funny Jokes

Daily Affirmations for Pessimists

Don't try beating 'em or joining 'em. Either hang out by yourself or quit.

Seek, and you shall be disappointed.

Knock, and the door shall be slammed in your face.

If you don't have anything nice to say, welcome to the club.

Did you ever sit back and evaluate your life and think, "Wow, things are going just as I always wanted them to?" I didn't think so. Me either.

Spring Chicken Recipes Carnival of the Recipes

Funny Jokes

Rabbit Anyone???

A young cook decided that the French would enjoy feasting on rabbits and decided to raise rabbits in Paris and sell them to the finer restaurants in the city. He searched all over Paris seeking a suitable place to raise his rabbits. None could be found. Finally, an old priest at the cathedral said he could have a small area behind the rectory for his rabbits. He successfully raised a number of them and when he went about Paris selling them, a restaurant owner asked him where he got such fresh rabbits. The young man replied, "I raise them myself, near the cathedral. In fact, I have a hutch back of Notre Dame."



Spring Chicken Recipes

Funny Quotes - Insults

While he was not dumber than an ox he was not any smarter either.
- James Thurber



Diabetic Beef Recipes

Funny Quotes - Insults

Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them.
- Joseph Heller "Catch-22"



Diabetic Meals

Funny Quotes - Insults

She has discovered the secret of perpetual middle age.
- Oscar Levant



Diabetic Beef Recipes

Funny Quotes - Insults

His features resembled a fossilized wash rag.
- Alan Brien



Cabbage Soup

Funny Jokes

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

-Rita Rudner-

Diabetic Recipes

Funny Jokes

You know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I wanted to say, "No, it's for company!"



Diabetic Recipes

Funny Jokes

How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity In The Workplace

- Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.) - Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.) - Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No I'm sorry I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi." - Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. e.g. "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom." - "Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this. - While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive." - Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle. - Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document. - Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes. - Insist that your e-mail address be: "zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com - Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that. - Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company's products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement. - Suggest that beer be put in the soda machine. - Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing. - Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN." - Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many." - Develop an unnatural fear of staplers. - For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you can catch in your mouth. - Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc... in the lunchroom, when people complain that there was none... Just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that." - Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. - Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark 17 inch paper, 99 copies. - In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors." - If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others. - When driving colleagues around insist on keeping your car wind- shield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep 'em tuned up." - Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think." - Practice making fax and modem noises. - Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss. - Make beeping noises when a large person backs up. - Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy." - Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing. - Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room. - Shout random numbers while someone is counting. - Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area, and insist to others that you "like it that way." - Staple papers in the middle of the page. - Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise. - TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE. - type only in lowercase. - Dont use any punctuation either - Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now." - As much as possible, skip rather than walk. - Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. - When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat. - Ask people what gender they are. - While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet. - Sit in your car in the parking lot at lunch time pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. - Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles"



Diabetic Beef Recipes

Funny Jokes

Grandma's Boyfriend

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm really happy with the TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, "Hello, son, is your grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, but she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

Diabetic Recipes

Funny Quotes - Insults

She was a master at making nothing happen very slowly.
- Clifton Fadiman



Cabbage Soup

Funny Quotes - Insults

Being attacked by him is like being savaged by a dead sheep.
- Dennis Healy



Diabetic Meals

Funny Jokes

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?



Ask Amy

Funny Quotes - Insults

He is a self-made man and worships his creator.
- John Bright



Life Quotes

Funny Quotes - Insults

While he was not dumber than an ox he was not any smarter either.
- James Thurber



Sayings

Funny Quotes - Insults

Little things affect little minds.
- Benjamin Disraeli



Quotes

Funny Jokes

Mid-Life

I've had a few thoughts of my own and would like to share them with you. Whether you are pushing 40, 50, 60 (or maybe even just pushing your luck) you'll probably relate.

Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.

In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.

Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear without turning around.

Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless.

Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen honey, even the Roman empire fell and those will too."

Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're sitting on our biggest ones.

Mid-life is when you look at your-know-it-all, beeper-wearing teenager and think: "For this I have stretch marks?"

In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact the only thing we can retain is water.

Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand McNally -- more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin.

Mid-life means that you become more reflective...You start pondering the "big" questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?

But mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important.

We realize that breasts sag, hips expand and chins double, but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile. Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now for the body you had way back when?

Maybe our bodies simply have to expand to hold all the wisdom and love we've acquired.

Diabetic Beef Recipes

Funny Jokes - Silly Jokes

TV commercials now show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. - Jerry Seinfeld



Diabetic Beef Recipes

Funny Quotes - Insults

Never enter a battle of wits unarmed.



Inspirational Speeches

Funny Quotes - Insults

She's good, being gone.
- William Shakespeare



Funny Quotes

Funny Jokes

It is with the saddest heart that we must pass on the following news item:

Please join us in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, The California Raisins, Betty Crocker, The Hostess Twinkies and Cap'n Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, his children, John and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.



Famous Quotes

Funny Jokes

Blind Date

Joe sets up Michael to go on a blind date with a friend of his. But Michael is a little worried about going out with someone he's never seen before. "What do I do if she's ugly?" says Mike, "I'll be stuck with her all night." "Don't worry," Joe says, "just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don't just shout 'Aaaaaauuuggghhh!' and fake an asthma attack." So that night, Mike knocks at the girl's door and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how beautiful and sexy she is. He's about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts:

..."Aaaaaauuuggghhh



Quotationsyfm

Funny Quotes - Insults

His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.
- Mae West



Phraseshm

Funny Jokes

Church quickie

There was a church that had problems with outsiders parking in its parking lots, so they put up a sign:

CHURCH CAR PARK - FOR MEMBERS ONLY Trespassers will be baptized!

Quotes

Funny Quotes - Insults

He couldn't ad-lib a fart after a baked-bean dinner.
- Johnny Carson (about Chevy Chase)



Joke of the Day

Funny Quotes - Insults

You're a parasite for sore eyes.
- Gregory Ratoff



Famous Quotes

Funny Quotes - Insults

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
- Groucho Marx



Life Quotes

Funny Jokes

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

Sayings

Funny Jokes

TEACHER: Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE? JOHNNY: Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time

TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? SAM: No sir, I do'nt have to, my Mom is a good cook.

TEACHER: Desmond your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his? DESMOND: No teacher, it's the same dog!

TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? PUPIL: A teacher.

SYLVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark? FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write? SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.

Famous Sayings

Funny Quotes - Insults

I wish I'd known you when you were alive.
- Leonard Louis Levinson



Submit Your Blog

Funny Quotes - Insults

Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.
- Ashleigh Brilliant



Life Quotes

Funny Quotes - Insults

Wagner's music is better than it sounds.
- Mark Twain



Clean Jokes

Funny Jokes

Job application

Johnny and Jerry had applied for jobs at a large company and had to take an intelligence test. Though both of them found the test a breeze, except that they admitted to being momentarily stumped by the final question: "Name a 14 letter word for someone in charge of a plant."

"How did you answer that last one?" asked Jerry. "I thought it was tough at first.... then I thought of Superintendent."

"I think I got it right too," Johnny said. "But I wrote down Horticulturist."

Best Blogs of 2008

Funny Quotes - Insults

His mind is so open that the wind whistles through it.
- Heywood Braun



Pancake Day

Famous Quotes

Jealousy arises from a lack of confidence, not in others, but in oneself
Famous Quotes - Eugene Cloutier



Blog Award Winners

Famous Quotes

Error of opinion may be tolerated where reason is left free to combat it
- Thomas Jefferson



Super Tuesday

Absence Quotes

It takes time for the absent to assume their true shape in our thoughts. After death they take on a firmer outline and then cease to change.

Colette, The Captain, Earthly Paradise (1966)



Diabetic Recipes

Abundance Quotes

Talent is always conscious of its own abundance, and does not object to sharing.

- Alexander Solzhenitsyn



Diabetic Recipes

Funny Jokes

Doctor's Orders

On doctor's orders, Marvin had moved to Arizona. Two weeks later, he was dead. His body was shipped back home, where the undertaker prepared it for the services. Marvin's brother came in to make sure everything was taken care of.

"Would you like to see the body?" the undertaker asked.

"I might as well take a look at it before the others get here."

The undertaker led him into the next room and opened the top half of the casket. He stood back and proudly displayed his work.

"He looks good," the brother said. "Those two weeks in Arizona were just the thing for him."

Best Award Sites

Funny Quotes - Insults

They don't hardly make 'em like him any more - but just to be on the safe side, he should be castrated anyway.
- Hunter S. Thompson



Andrew Warde High School

Funny Jokes

Two guys in a bar .......................

One says, "Did your hear the news? Our mate is dead!" "My God, what happened to him?" "Well, he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom, he hit the pavement, the the car flipped up and he flew through the sunroof. Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window." "Gosh, what a horrible way to die!" "No, no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So he landed in my upstairs bedroom and he was all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spotted the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and he reached up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He was just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe came crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones." "Damn it, what a way to go, that's terrible!" "No, no, that didn't kill him. He survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off himself and he crawled out onto the landing where he tried to pull himself up on the banister but, under his weight, the banister broke and he went falling down to the first floor. In mid-air, all the broken spindles fell on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him." "Hell, now that is the most unfortunate way to go!" "No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he was on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawled into the kitchen, tried to pull himself up on the cooker, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water. Whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off." "Man, what a way to go!" "No, no, he survived that, he survived that! He was lying on the floor, covered in boiling water and he spotted the phone and tried to pull himself up to call for help, but instead he grabbed the light switch and pulled the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted with a wallop -- 10,000 volts shot through him." "Now that is one awful way to go!" "No, no, he survived that, he..." "Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?" "I shot him!" "You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?" "Damnit man, he was wrecking my house!"

Mt. Everest

Funny Quotes - Insults

A sharp tongue is no indication of a keen mind.



Asian Bloggers

Funny Jokes

more fast thinking

This young guy was working in the produce section of the supermarket, and an older guy comes up: "Young man, I'd like to buy a half of a head of lettuce." "Gee, sir, we don't usually sell it that way. Let me ask my manager."

He goes into the back room and yells, "Hey, Mr. Benwa, there's some jerk out here who wants to buy a HALF A HEAD of lettuce." He turns around, and there's the customer right at his shoulder. "... and this fine gentleman would like to buy the other half."

After the satisfied customer leaves with his half a head of letuce, Mr. Benwa says, "That was some fast thinking, son. Where did you learn that? Where did you grow up?"

"Aw, 'tweren't nuttin. I grew up in Moose Jaw. It' s little town up in Canada. It's not famous for anything except that everybody there is either a prostitute or a hockey player."

Mr. Benwa glares at the kid: "I'll have you know that my WIFE comes from Moose Jaw." "Gee, that's great! What team did she play on?"

Italian Recipes

Funny Jokes

aHaaaHAA!!!

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together, when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to her lover," into the closet!", and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom and discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him. "I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator. "What are you doing in there?" the husband asked. "I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied. "And where are your clothes?" asked the husband. The man looked down at himself and said,........ "Those little bastards!"

Italian Pastas

Funny Quotes - Insults

She has breasts of granite and a mind like a Gruyere cheese.
- Billy Wilder (about Marilyn Monroe)



Recipes Search

Funny Jokes

Speaking In Different Tongues.....

How to say 'I love you' in 25 languages.....

English: I Love You

Spanish: Te Amo

French: Je T'aime

German: lch Liebe Dich

Japanese: Ai Shite Imasu

Italian: Ti Amo

Chinese: Wo Ai Ni

Swedish: Jag Alskar

Alabama,Arkansas. Kansas, Oklahoma, Texas, North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Idaho, Missouri, Mississippi, Montana, Louisiana, Virginia, West Virginia, Kentucky, parts of Florida: Nice Ass, Get in the truck.

Italian Soups

Funny Quotes - Insults

She never lets ideas interrupt the easy flow of her conversation.
- Jean Webster



Italian Recipes

Funny Quotes - Insults

He'd make a lovely corpse.
- Charles Dickens



Italian Soups

Funny Quotes - Insults

He is so stupid you can't trust him with an idea.
- John Steinbeck



Famous Recipes

Funny Quotes - Insults

We've been through so much together, and most of it was your fault.
- Ashleigh Brilliant



Italian Rice

Funny Jokes

Small Town

I hadn't fully realized how much everyone in a small town knows everyone else's business until I moved back in with my husband after a short separation. Included in my mail one day was an envelope forwarded from my prior address. Instead of affixing an official change-of-address sticker, someone in the post office simply wrote on the other side of the envelope, "She moved back."

Humor and Jokes

Funny Jokes

Two guys in a bar .......................

One says, "Did your hear the news? Our mate is dead!" "My God, what happened to him?" "Well, he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom, he hit the pavement, the the car flipped up and he flew through the sunroof. Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window." "Gosh, what a horrible way to die!" "No, no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So he landed in my upstairs bedroom and he was all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spotted the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and he reached up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He was just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe came crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones." "Damn it, what a way to go, that's terrible!" "No, no, that didn't kill him. He survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off himself and he crawled out onto the landing where he tried to pull himself up on the banister but, under his weight, the banister broke and he went falling down to the first floor. In mid-air, all the broken spindles fell on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him." "Hell, now that is the most unfortunate way to go!" "No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he was on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawled into the kitchen, tried to pull himself up on the cooker, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water. Whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off." "Man, what a way to go!" "No, no, he survived that, he survived that! He was lying on the floor, covered in boiling water and he spotted the phone and tried to pull himself up to call for help, but instead he grabbed the light switch and pulled the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted with a wallop -- 10,000 volts shot through him." "Now that is one awful way to go!" "No, no, he survived that, he..." "Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?" "I shot him!" "You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?" "Damnit man, he was wrecking my house!"



Jokes

Funny Quotes - Insults

He is so mean, he won't let his little baby have more than one measle at a time.
- Eugene Field



Humor and Jokes

Funny Jokes

Stolen Vehicle...

The young rancher came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?

The young rancher answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."



Jokes

Funny Quotes - Insults

Her body has gone to her head.
- Barbara Stanwyck (about Marilyn Monroe)



Funny Jokes

Funny Jokes

Rhyming

Sunday dinner with my mother Louise, my father Fred, and my three siblings were always lively. On one occasion all of us, except my mother were in a silly mood and we began requesting, in rhyme, items at the table. "Please pass the meat, Pete."

"May I have a peas, Louise?"

"I'd give you the moon for a spoon."

After several minutes of this, my mother had heard enough. "Stop this nonsense now!" she shouted. "It's Sunday, and I would like to enjoy my dinner with some good conversation, and not all this chatter."

Then she sat down, still in a huff, turned to my father and snapped, "Please pass the bread, Fred."

She was not amused when we all burst out laughing.

Funny Jokes

Funny Jokes

I was having trouble with the idea of turning 30 and was oversensitive to any signs of advancing age. When I found a prominent gray hair in my bangs, I pointed to my forehead. "Have you seen this?" I indignantly asked my husband. "What?" he asked. "The wrinkles?"

Funny Jokes

Funny Jokes

Customer: "Do you serve crabs here?" Waiter: "We serve anyone, please sit down!"

Jokes

Funny Quotes - Insults

He looked like a half-melted rubber bulldog.
- John Simon



Humor and Jokes

Funny Quotes - Insults

She's a vacuum with nipples.
- Otto Preminger (about Marilyn Monroe)



Jokes and Humor

Funny Quotes - Insults

She had much in common with Hitler, only no mustache.
- Noel Coward



Jokes

Funny Quotes - Insults

If you don't like my opinion of you - improve yourself!



Funny Jokes

Funny Quotes - Insults

He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.
- Oscar Wilde



Homophones Song

Funny Jokes

Bereavement

A bereaved widow is at her husband's funeral. "We were married thirty- five years before he died." She said, dabbing away the tears. "Never had an argument in all those years."

"Amazing," said a woman next to her. "How did you do it?"

"I outweighed him by forty pounds and he was a coward."

Homophones Song

Funny Quotes - Insults

He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.
- Samuel Johnson



Homonym Lists

Funny Jokes

The smart employee

Faced with hard times, the company offered a bonus of one hundred dollars to any employee who could come up with a way of saving money. The bonus went to a young woman in accounting who suggested limiting future bonuses to ten dollars.



Teaching Spelling

Funny Jokes

I'm starting a diet <> I'm no longer going to be my blubber's keeper

Jokes

Funny Quotes - Insults

God was bored by him.
- Victor Hugo



Jokes

Funny Jokes

Tunes for oldies

Bobby Darin - "Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash"

Herman's Hermits - "Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker"

The Beatles - "I Get by with a Little Help from Depends"

Marvin Gaye - "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"

The Bee Gees - "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"

The Temptations - "Papa's Got a Kidney Stone"

Nancy Sinatra - "These Boots Aren't Made for Bunions"

Paul Simon - "Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver"

Roberta Flack - "The First Time Since I Forgot Your Face"

ABBA - "Denture Queen"

Leo Sayer - "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"

Commodores - "Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom"

Johnny Nash - "I Can't See Clearly Now"

Quotes

Funny Quotes - Insults

We'll get along fine as soon as you realize I'm God.



Jokes

Funny Jokes

burp

Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they's suin' them cigarette companies fer causin' people to git cancer?"

"Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer.

"And now someone is suin' them fast food restaurants fer makin' them fat an' cloggin' their arteries with all them burgers an' fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?"

"Sure is, Bubba."

"And that lady sued McDonald's for millions when she was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?"

"Yep."

"And that football player sued that university when he gradiated and still couldn't read?"

"That's right," said the lawyer. "But why are you asking?"

"Well, I was thinkin' . What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?

Funny Jokes

Funny Jokes

If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise.

Humor and Jokes

Funny Jokes

Catholic mothers

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?" She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hard bodied, well-hung, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, "My God...."

Easter Recipes

Funny Jokes

Spelling

Two men are sitting in a bar. One says to the other, "I think it's spelled W-H-H-O-O-O-M-B."

The other man replies, "No, wouldn't it be more like W-H-H-H-O-O-M-M-B-B?"

The waitress is walking by and says, "You guys are both idiots! It's spelled W-O-M-B, you jerks!" and she storms off.

The one man turns to his friend and says, "How do you like that? She's heard an elephant fart too!"

Chocolate Recipes

Funny Jokes

Please Be Patient.....

A German farmer with relatives in the US promised them some fresh pork sausages made by hand from his very own stock of pigs. But as the weeks went by, they gave him a call to complain that the package had not yet arrived. He told them, "Don't worry. The wurst is yet to come."



Diabetic Recipes

Funny Jokes

Catholic mothers

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?" She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hard bodied, well-hung, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, "My God...."

Chicken Recipes
Turkey Recipes

Funny Jokes

We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made.

-M. Acklam

Potato Recipes

Funny Jokes

You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

Famous Quotes

Funny Quotes - Insults

He was so narrow minded that if he fell on a pin it would blind him in both eyes.
- Fred Allen



Quotes

Funny Jokes

ARE YOU LONESOME TONIGHT? (Senior Citizen Version)

Are you lonesome tonight? Does your tummy feel tight? Did you bring your mylanta and tums?

Does your memory stray, To that bright sunny day, When you had all your teeth and your gums?

Is your hairline receding? Your eyes growing dim? Hysterectomy for her, And its prostate for him.

Does your back give you pain? Do your knees predict rain? Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

Is your blood pressure up? Good cholesterol down? Are you eating your low fat cuisine?

All that oat bran and fruit, Metamucil to boot. Helps you run like a well oiled machine.

If it's football or baseball, He sure knows the score. Yes, he knows where it's at But forgets what it's for.

So your gallbladder's gone, But your gout lingers on, Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

When you're hungry, he's not, When you're cold, he is hot, Then you start that old thermostat war.

When you turn out the light, He goes left and you go right, Then you get his great symphonic snore.

He was once so romantic, So witty and smart; How did he turn out to be such A cranky old fart?

So don't take any bets, It's as good as it gets, Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?



Quotation of the Day

Funny Quotes - Insults

To err is Truman.
- A popular joke in 1946



Cheese Recipes

Funny Quotes - Insults

Writers are interesting people, but often mean and petty.
- Lillian Hellman



Chinese Recipes

Funny Jokes

A Day At The Beach...

Two lobsters were sunbathing on the beach. The lady lobster suggested that the gentleman lobster to get them an ice cream each. Having purchased two ice cream cones, Mr. Lobster made his way back to the beach, deciding on the way to eat his ice cream. By the time he has finished the ice cream he realized that his lady friend's ice cream had started to melt all down his claw, so he licked it up and ended up eating it. When he arrived back at the beach his lady lobster friend exclaimed, "Where are the ice creams?" "Well" he said. "I decided to eat mine. Then yours melted, so I ate that too." His lady friend was incensed and cried, "How could you be so shellfish!"

Easter Recipes

Funny Jokes

Wish's

May we get a clean bill of health from our dentist, our psychiatrist, our ophthalmologist, our cardiologist, our gastroentologist, our urologist, our proctologist, our gynecologist, our podiatrist, our plumber and the IRS.

May our hair, our teeth, our facelift, our Abs, our honey cakes, and our stocks not fall and may our blood pressure, our triglycerides, our cholesterol, our white blood count, our weight and our mortgage interest rates not rise.

May we find a way to travel from anywhere to anywhere in the rush hour in less than an hour and when we get there, may we find a free parking space. And if we need to use a parking space designated for the handicapped may we find one without shopping carts in it.

May we be awestruck by the universe's sense of humor as we realize that a professional wrestler could become a President of the United States.

May what we see in the mirror delight us and what others see in us, delight them. May someone love us enough to forgive our faults, be blind to our blemishes and tell the world about our virtues.

May the telemarketers wait until after we finish dinner to call us. May our checkbooks and budgets balance and may they include generous amounts for charity.

May we remember to say "I love you" at least once a day to our spouse, our child, our parent, all of our significant others but not our boss, our intern, our nurse, our masseur, our hairdresser or our tennis instructor. May we remember to be nice to other people who, after all, out~number us by 5.4 billion.

May we live in a world at peace, with awareness of love in every sunset, flower, baby's smile, lover's kiss, and every wonderful astonishing beat of our heart. Happiness comes through doors we didn't even know we'd left open.

Potato Recipes

Funny Quotes - Insults

What has a tiny brain, a big mouth, and an opinion nobody cares about? You!
- from Murphy Brown



Potatoes Recipes

Funny Jokes

Confession....

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm telling everybody."

Easter Egg Coloring

Funny Jokes

Rabbit Anyone???

A young cook decided that the French would enjoy feasting on rabbits and decided to raise rabbits in Paris and sell them to the finer restaurants in the city. He searched all over Paris seeking a suitable place to raise his rabbits. None could be found. Finally, an old priest at the cathedral said he could have a small area behind the rectory for his rabbits. He successfully raised a number of them and when he went about Paris selling them, a restaurant owner asked him where he got such fresh rabbits. The young man replied, "I raise them myself, near the cathedral. In fact, I have a hutch back of Notre Dame."



Easter Quotes

Funny Quotes - Insults

He is a self-made man and worships his creator.
- John Bright



Easter Eggs Recipes

Funny Jokes

Spelling

Two men are sitting in a bar. One says to the other, "I think it's spelled W-H-H-O-O-O-M-B."

The other man replies, "No, wouldn't it be more like W-H-H-H-O-O-M-M-B-B?"

The waitress is walking by and says, "You guys are both idiots! It's spelled W-O-M-B, you jerks!" and she storms off.

The one man turns to his friend and says, "How do you like that? She's heard an elephant fart too!"

Recipes for Easter

Funny Jokes

Giving New Life

I was interviewing a jeweler for a story I was writing on giving new life to old jewelry, and I asked him to tell me about his most memorable client.

"It was a divorced woman who had me make a pair of earrings from her inscribed wedding band," he remembered. "One earring read, 'with all,' and the other, 'my love.'

When I asked why she had wanted it done that way, she answered, 'To remind me the next time anyone says that to me, I should let in go in one ear and out the other.'"



Jokes for Easter

Funny Jokes

You know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I wanted to say, "No, it's for company!"

Jokes for Easter

Funny Jokes

Bereavement

A bereaved widow is at her husband's funeral. "We were married thirty- five years before he died." She said, dabbing away the tears. "Never had an argument in all those years."

"Amazing," said a woman next to her. "How did you do it?"

"I outweighed him by forty pounds and he was a coward."

Easter Sayings

Funny Quotes - Insults

He was humane but not human.
- e e Cummings (about Ezra Pound)



Easter Recipe

Funny Quotes - Insults

You have a good and kind soul. It just doesn't match the rest of you.
- Norm Papernick



Recipes

Funny Quotes - Insults

While you remain at home your hair is at the hairdresser's; you take out your teeth at night and sleep tucked away in a hundred cosmetics boxes - even your face does not sleep with you.
- Martial, 1st Century AD (to a female friend)



Recipes

Funny Quotes - Insults

Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberrys!
- Monty Python and the Holy Grail



Carnival of the Recipes

Funny Quotes - Insults

You're a good example of why some animals eat their young.
- Jim Samuels



Easter Recipe

Funny Jokes

I don't have an attitude problem; you have a perception problem.

Easter Recipes

Funny Jokes

How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity In The Workplace

- Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.) - Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.) - Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No I'm sorry I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi." - Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. e.g. "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom." - "Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this. - While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive." - Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle. - Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document. - Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes. - Insist that your e-mail address be: "zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com - Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that. - Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company's products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement. - Suggest that beer be put in the soda machine. - Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing. - Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN." - Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many." - Develop an unnatural fear of staplers. - For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you can catch in your mouth. - Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc... in the lunchroom, when people complain that there was none... Just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that." - Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. - Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark 17 inch paper, 99 copies. - In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors." - If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others. - When driving colleagues around insist on keeping your car wind- shield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep 'em tuned up." - Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think." - Practice making fax and modem noises. - Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss. - Make beeping noises when a large person backs up. - Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy." - Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing. - Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room. - Shout random numbers while someone is counting. - Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area, and insist to others that you "like it that way." - Staple papers in the middle of the page. - Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise. - TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE. - type only in lowercase. - Dont use any punctuation either - Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now." - As much as possible, skip rather than walk. - Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. - When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat. - Ask people what gender they are. - While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet. - Sit in your car in the parking lot at lunch time pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. - Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles"



Easter Recipes

Funny Jokes

I don't have an attitude problem; you have a perception problem.

Recipes for Easter

Funny Quotes - Insults

Age cannot wither her, nor custom stale her infinite sameness.
- David Shipman



Easter Egg Recipes

Funny Jokes

His new blonde wife

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Susie, something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone.

He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features. Susie was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.

The next day Susie went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. "Hi Susie," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"

Susie replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."!

"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.

"How did you know I was at Walmart?"



Love Quotations

Funny Jokes

If at first you don't fricassee, fry, fry a hen.

Beef Recipes

Funny Jokes - Silly Jokes

I went to a restaurant with a sign that said they served breakfast at any time. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance. - Steven Wright



Carnival of the Recipes

Funny Jokes

I've tried to convince myself it really isn't quite this bad.

There was a time in history when life was quite a blast. Now I fully understand "Living in the Past."

We used to go to weddings, football games and brunches. Now we go to funeral homes, and after funeral brunches.

We used to have hangovers, from parties that were gay. Now we suffer body aches to while the night away.

We used to go out dining, and couldn't get our fill. Now we ask for doggie bags, come home and eat our pills.

We used to travel to places near and far. Now we get sore butts from riding in the car.

We used to go out shopping for all new clothes to show. Now we never bother, there is no place to go.

We used to go to taverns and drink a little booze. Now we stay at home alone and watch the evening news.

That, my friend is how it is, And so my tale is told. If you haven't guessed it, we are just getting old.



Apple Recipes

Funny Quotes - Insults

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
- Eleanor Roosevelt



Beef Back Ribs

Funny Quotes - Insults

He was one of those men who possess almost every gift, except the gift of the power to use them.
- Charles Kingsley



Apple Recipes

Funny Quotes - Insults

Useless as a pulled tooth.
- Mary Roberts Rinehart



Barbeque Recipes

Funny Jokes - Silly Jokes

A Jewish man is walking on the beach when he discovers a bottle containing a genie. He rubs it and a genie comes out, promises to grant him one wish. He says, "Peace in the Middle East, that's my wish." The genie looks concerned, then says "No, I'm sorry, that's just not possible. Some things just can't be changed. Do you have another wish?" The guys says 'Well...for my whole life I've never received oral sex from my wife. That would be my wish." The genie pauses for another moment and then says, "How would you define peace?"



Beef Back Ribs

Funny Quotes - Insults

Mind is so open that the wind whistles through it.
- Heywood Braun



Cajun Recipes

Funny Jokes

Job application

Johnny and Jerry had applied for jobs at a large company and had to take an intelligence test. Though both of them found the test a breeze, except that they admitted to being momentarily stumped by the final question: "Name a 14 letter word for someone in charge of a plant."

"How did you answer that last one?" asked Jerry. "I thought it was tough at first.... then I thought of Superintendent."

"I think I got it right too," Johnny said. "But I wrote down Horticulturist."

Round Steak

Funny Quotes - Insults

He was distinguished for ignorance; for he had only one idea and that was wrong.
- Benjamin Disraeli



Easter Jokes

Funny Jokes

Ben and Luke

Ben Kenobi and Luke Skywalker are having dinner at a Japanese restaurant. Ben picks up the chopsticks and starts eating. Luke is having problems, there is food all over his face, his cloths, and the table, but none in his mouth.

"What should I do?" he asks Ben.

"Use the forks, Luke!"



Funny Joke of the Day

Funny Quotes - Insults

Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?
- Groucho Marx



Easter Jokes

Funny Quotes - Insults

She's the kind of woman who climbed the ladder of success - wrong by wrong.
- Mae West



Easter Sayings

Jokes - Pirate Jokes

Jokes - Pirate Jokes by famous People

Q: Why dont pirates get carpal tunnel syndrome?

A: Because they practice ... Arrrgghonomics.

Pirate Jokes



Free Jokes

ON INNER STRENGTH

I love the confidence that makeup gives me.
Tyra Banks

Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

Mrs. Pauly and her friend were talking about their labor-saving devices
as they pulled into our driveway. Her friend said, "I love my new
garage-door opener." "I love mine too," my wife replied, and she honked
the horn three times. That was the signal for me to come out and open
the garage...!

Funny Jokes

Little Johnny at Sunday School

Upon picked him up after Sunday School, Little Johnny's mother asked him about the lessons that day. He replied with the expected recitation of the Bible stories that the teacher had read to the class, but were shocked when Johnny told them that the class had sung a hymn "about a constipated cross-eyed bear". Upset and angered by this, Little Johnny's father confronted the Sunday School teacher, demanding to know, "the meaning of this." "Oh no, Mr. Wilson," replied the teacher, " the hymn was called, 'TheConsecrated Cross is Bare.'"



Quotes

Funny Quotes - Insults

He was a solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trilogy.
- Mark Twain



Jokes

Funny Quotes - Insults

Stay with me; I want to be alone.
- Joey Adams



Funny Joke

Funny Jokes

Birth control pills for granny

A doctor who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor looked through the list, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?!?"

"Yes, they help me sleep at night."

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!"

She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old granddaughter drinks... And believe me, it helps me sleep at night!"

Jokes

Funny Jokes

What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with an atheist? Someone who rings your doorbell for absolutely no reason at all!

Coloring Easter Eggs

Funny Jokes

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

Coloring Easter Eggs

Funny Jokes

Words with Two Meanings...

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n. Female......Any part under a car's hood. Male..........The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female......Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. Male.........Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. Female......The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. Male..........Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. Female......A desire to get married and raise a family. Male...........Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. Female......A good movie, concert, play or book. Male.........Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. Female......An Embarrassing byproduct of indigestion. Male..........A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. Female......The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. Male......Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. Female.......A device for changing from one TV channel to another. Male......A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes

Easter Jokes

Funny Jokes

Scottish

To be told with a Scotish brogue and add gestures when telling this - don't know how it will "read".

One day this young, very large, very handsome member of the Elite Scots Black Guard comes into the local Apothecary.

He goes up to the counter, with his kilt swinging from side-to-side with each huge stride. Hung around his waist is a small leather pouch, which he places on the counter, and from it he withdraws a roll of snow-white cotton batting. As he unrolls the batting, the Apothecarian sees a neatly placed stretched out condom.

Finally the Guardsman speaks: Whoo much ta be rrrepairrrin' ma rrubberr?

The Druggist tells him an amount, at which time the skinflint Guardsman lets out a loud "Hrrumpp", neatly rolls the batting, replaces it in the pouch, pulls the draw-string tight, and STOMPS from the Apothecary, with his kilt fairly flying in the breeze.

As with all good jokes, the scene is repeated on Day #2.

On Day #3, when he opens the pouch and unrolls the batting, the Apothecarian sees a new shiny coin, and the Guardsman speaks: The Rrreggiment has authorrizzed me to purrrchase a new one!

Easter Quotes

Funny Jokes

He who knows not and knows he knows not is a wise man. He who knows not and knows not he knows not is a fool.

James Volpe

Funny Jokes

Small Town

I hadn't fully realized how much everyone in a small town knows everyone else's business until I moved back in with my husband after a short separation. Included in my mail one day was an envelope forwarded from my prior address. Instead of affixing an official change-of-address sticker, someone in the post office simply wrote on the other side of the envelope, "She moved back."



William Campbell

Funny Quotes - Insults

His ignorance covers the world like a blanket, and there's scarcely a hole in it anywhere.
- Mark Twain



Scottsdale Job Network
Virginia Chang

Funny Quotes - Insults

If I found her floating in my pool, I'd punish my dog.
- Joan Rivers



Easter Quotes

Funny Quotes - Insults

You have all the characteristics of a popular politician: a horrible voice, bad breeding, and a vulgar manner.
- Aristophanes



Quotes
Quotes and Sayings

Funny Quotes - Insults

Her skin was white as leprosy.
- S. T. Coleridge



St Patrick's Day Recipes
Corned Beef and Cabbage Recipes

Funny Jokes

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

Diabetic Recipes
Recipes for Diabetics

Funny Jokes

Be careful . . . a pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the a_ _.

Quotes
Quotes

Funny Jokes

Why do people make a list ranking snakes by the potency of their venom? Is it more prestigious to be killed by number one than number seventeen?

Quotes
Recipes

Funny Quotes - Insults

The gods too are fond of a joke.
- Aristotle



Quotes
Quotes

Funny Quotes - Insults

He must have killed a lot of men to have made so much money.
- Moliere



Recipes
Quotes

Funny Quotes - Insults

She could carry off anything; and some people said that she did.
- Ada Leverson



Easter Recipes

Funny Quotes - Insults

He writes his plays for the ages--the ages between five and twelve.
- George Nathan (about George Bernard Shaw)



Easter Recipes

Funny Jokes

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. -Rita Rudner

Funny Quotes

Funny Quotes - Insults

He is brilliant - to the top of his boots.
- David Lloyd George



Magic Reindeer Food
Fruit Jokes

Funny Quotes - Insults

He was about as useful in a crisis as a sheep.
- Dorothy Eden



Famous Quotes
Funny Jokes

Peace Quotes

Quotes about Peace

We look forward to the time when the Power of Love will replace the Love of Power. Then will our world know the blessings of peace.

- William Gladstone



Jewish Recipes

Science Quotes and Scientist Quotes

Science Quotes

Quotes About Science

Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind.

- Albert Einstein



Diabetic Recipes

Funny Jokes

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

-Rita Rudner-

Recipes

Funny Jokes

A laugh is a smile with fireworks

Ah, another good day; my ISP is still working! A laugh is a smile with fireworks! Hookd on fonix reelly workd fer mee! A watchmaker is someone who doesn't charge extra for working over time. American kids have Nintendo; Japanese children have homework Don't be pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway. HowCanIBeCreativeWithSuchALimitedAmountOfSpaceToWorkWith? Go to work in your underwear and the dream will go away. Hocus Pocus' doesn't work anymore; I think they changed the password. I support Merit Pay and Piece Work for politicians. I'd whistle while I work, but all I know are happy songs. This eFriendship works out b/c I am Gemini and you are ridiculous. Please weight...Spell Checker at work.



Easter Jokes

Funny Jokes

I've tried to convince myself it really isn't quite this bad.

There was a time in history when life was quite a blast. Now I fully understand "Living in the Past."

We used to go to weddings, football games and brunches. Now we go to funeral homes, and after funeral brunches.

We used to have hangovers, from parties that were gay. Now we suffer body aches to while the night away.

We used to go out dining, and couldn't get our fill. Now we ask for doggie bags, come home and eat our pills.

We used to travel to places near and far. Now we get sore butts from riding in the car.

We used to go out shopping for all new clothes to show. Now we never bother, there is no place to go.

We used to go to taverns and drink a little booze. Now we stay at home alone and watch the evening news.

That, my friend is how it is, And so my tale is told. If you haven't guessed it, we are just getting old.



Business Directory Listings

Funny Quotes - Insults

He is the very pineapple of politeness.
- Richard Brinsley Sheridan



Physical Fitness

Funny Jokes

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow.



Mashed Cauliflower

Funny Quotes - Insults

While you remain at home your hair is at the hairdresser's; you take out your teeth at night and sleep tucked away in a hundred cosmetics boxes - even your face does not sleep with you.
- Martial, 1st Century AD (to a female friend)



Sauteed Scallops

Funny Quotes - Insults

Like the little man on top of the wedding cake.
- Harold Ickes



Deep Fried Turkey

Funny Quotes - Insults

She's the sort of woman who lives for others - you can tell the others by their hunted expression.
- C. S. Lewis



Thanksgiving Recipes

Funny Jokes

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. "What type of bra?" asked the clerk. "Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?" "Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour and material imaginable. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from." Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them. The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...

The Catholic type supports the masses.

The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,

The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and

The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."

Meatloaf Recipes

Funny Quotes - Insults

If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?
- Charles Pierce



Love Quotes

Funny Jokes

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

Diabetic Recipes

Funny Jokes

The Elephant

A man is playing the piano softly one night in a downtown bar. In walks an elephant (told you) who goes over to the pianist, and suddenly starts to cry. "There, there", says the pianist "Do you recognise the song?" "No, no," says the elephant "I recognise the keys."



Diabetic Recipes

Funny Jokes

Spelling

Two men are sitting in a bar. One says to the other, "I think it's spelled W-H-H-O-O-O-M-B."

The other man replies, "No, wouldn't it be more like W-H-H-H-O-O-M-M-B-B?"

The waitress is walking by and says, "You guys are both idiots! It's spelled W-O-M-B, you jerks!" and she storms off.

The one man turns to his friend and says, "How do you like that? She's heard an elephant fart too!"

Pancake Recipes

Funny Quotes - Insults

In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.
- Charles, Count Talleyrand



Easter Recipes

Funny Quotes - Insults

He makes a July's day short as December.
- William Shakespeare



Famous Recipes

Funny Jokes

The stork family sat down to dinner and the Daddy stork said, "Mama, what did you do today?" She said, "I made a young couple very happy this afternoon. What did you do?" The Daddy stork said, "I did the same thing. I made a married couple very happy also." The Mama stork looked at the baby stork and asked, "What did you do today?" The baby stork said, "I scared the Heck out of some college students!"

Pizza Recipes

Funny Quotes - Insults

He was trying to save both his faces.
- John Gunther



Top Secret Recipes

Funny Jokes

Three wishes

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. Picking it up, he pulls out the cork. Sure enough, out pops a huge blue genie.

The genie says, "Thank you for freeing me from my prison. In return, I will grant you three wishes."

The man says, "Perfect. I always dreamed of this, and I know exactly what I want. First, I want ten million dollars in a Swiss bank account." Suddenly, there is a flash of light, and a detailed list with Swiss Bank account numbers appears in his hand.

He continues. "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here."

There is another flash of light, and a bright red Ferrari appears right next to him.

He goes on. "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women."

A final blaze of light, and he turns into a box of chocolates.

Easter Recipes

Funny Jokes

Mid-Life

I've had a few thoughts of my own and would like to share them with you. Whether you are pushing 40, 50, 60 (or maybe even just pushing your luck) you'll probably relate.

Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.

In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.

Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear without turning around.

Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless.

Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen honey, even the Roman empire fell and those will too."

Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're sitting on our biggest ones.

Mid-life is when you look at your-know-it-all, beeper-wearing teenager and think: "For this I have stretch marks?"

In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact the only thing we can retain is water.

Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand McNally -- more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin.

Mid-life means that you become more reflective...You start pondering the "big" questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?

But mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important.

We realize that breasts sag, hips expand and chins double, but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile. Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now for the body you had way back when?

Maybe our bodies simply have to expand to hold all the wisdom and love we've acquired.

Easter Jokes

Funny Quotes - Insults

He's the type of man who will end up dying in his own arms.
- Mamie Van Doren (about Warren Beatty)



Chocolate Recipes

Funny Jokes

Little Known Illnesses

Little Known Illnesses.

AFROPHOBIA: Fear of the return of the 70's hair styles.

PSEUDONYMHOMANIA: Compulsive desire to have a lot of sex under an assumed name.

DEJA FLU: The feeling that one has had this cold before.

HYPOCOINDRIA: Fear of not having correct change.

HAIRPIECE SWIMPLEX: Rash caused by wearing a toupee in a pool.

HERPES CINEPLEX: Rash caused by movie tickets priced at $9.50.

CELESTIAL SEASONINGS AFFECTIVE DISORDER: Herbal-tea addiction.

VISACARDITIS: The heart-stopping sensation brought on by exceeding your credit limit.

ALPOPLEXY: Canine feeding disorder.

STREISAND-BROLIN SYNDROME: Excessive displays of affection.

SONSTROKE: An attack during the reading of a will.

ROSWELL-BABY SYNDROME: Irrational fear that one's infant might be an alien.

OREOPOROSIS: Disorder caused by too many cookies, not enough milk.

Mexican Recipes
Thomas Edison Biography

Funny Quotes - Insults

She ran the whole gamut of emotions from A to B.
- Dorothy Parker (about Katherine Hepburn)



Famous People - Shakespeare

Funny Jokes - Silly Jokes

Theres always one of my uncles who watches a boxing match with me and says "Sure. Ten million dollars. You know, for that kind of money, Id fight him." As if someone is going to pay $200 a ticket to see a 57-year-old carpet salesman get hit in the face once and cry. - Larry Miller



Blonde Jokes

Funny Jokes

What did God say after creating Eve? "Practice makes perfect."



Chicken Soup Recipes

Funny Jokes

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man. -Mark Twain

Diabetic Recipes

Funny Quotes - Insults

You're a mouse studying to be a rat.
- Wilson Mizner



Corned Beef and Cabbage

Funny Quotes - Insults

She should get a divorce and settle down.
- Jack Paar



Famous Recipes

Funny Quotes - Insults

He had delusions of adequacy.
- Walter Kerr



Braised Oxtail

Funny Quotes - Insults

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
- Mark Twain



Tempe Arizona

Funny Quotes - Insults

That's not writing, that's typing.
- Truman Capote



Funny Jokes

Funny Jokes

What Does Love Mean???

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?" The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford." ...Chris - age 7 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day." ...Mary Ann - age 4 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones." ...Lauren - age 4 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." ...Karen - age 7

Funny Quotes - Funny Jokes

Funny Jokes - Silly Jokes

I feel sorry for people who dont drink or do drugs. Because someday theyre going to be in a hospital bed, dying, and they wont know why. - Redd Foxx



Famous Quotes

Funny Quotes - Insults

She could carry off anything; and some people said that she did.
- Ada Leverson



Great Quotes

Funny Jokes

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance and to turn around three times before lying down.

-Robert Benchley

Sayings About Best Friends

Funny Jokes

Blind Date

Joe sets up Michael to go on a blind date with a friend of his. But Michael is a little worried about going out with someone he's never seen before. "What do I do if she's ugly?" says Mike, "I'll be stuck with her all night." "Don't worry," Joe says, "just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don't just shout 'Aaaaaauuuggghhh!' and fake an asthma attack." So that night, Mike knocks at the girl's door and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how beautiful and sexy she is. He's about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts:

..."Aaaaaauuuggghhh

Famous Sayings

Funny Quotes - Insults

The gods too are fond of a joke.
- Aristotle



Famous Quotes

Funny Jokes

How do you get fresh air into a Russian church? You click on an icon, and a window opens.

Jokes Blog

Funny Jokes

Diets are for women who not only kept their girlish figure but doubled it.

A diet is when you have to go to some length to change your width.



Famous Quotes

Funny Jokes

Giving New Life

I was interviewing a jeweler for a story I was writing on giving new life to old jewelry, and I asked him to tell me about his most memorable client.

"It was a divorced woman who had me make a pair of earrings from her inscribed wedding band," he remembered. "One earring read, 'with all,' and the other, 'my love.'

When I asked why she had wanted it done that way, she answered, 'To remind me the next time anyone says that to me, I should let in go in one ear and out the other.'"

Housewife Blog

Funny Quotes - Insults

He was a solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trilogy.
- Mark Twain



Funny Awards