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5.29.2008

Funny Jokes

Two nuns ran out of gas on the highway and flagged down a truck to obtain some. The truck driver was more than willing to oblige them but said that he didn't have a receptacle to use for the transfer. "That's all right," said one of the nuns. "We do. Sister and I are returning from a nursing assignment and there's a bedpan in our car." So the truck driver siphoned out some gasoline and went on his way and the nuns embarked on the task of pouring it slowly and carefully into the tank of their car to avoid spilling any of the precious liquid. A passing motorist slowed down to see what the women were doing. "Christ!" he exclaimed to his companion. "That's what I call FAITH!"

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5.25.2008

Funny Jokes - Silly Jokes

My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather. - Jackie Mason



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So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.



Bill Austin

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5.21.2008

Funny Jokes - Silly Jokes

TV commercials now show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. - Jerry Seinfeld



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Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how is manifests itself:

I decide to wash my car. As I start toward to the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first, but then I think that since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my checkbook off the table and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, o I go to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking. I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I'd better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water, and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight, when we go to watch TV, we will be looking for the remote, but nobody will remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day; the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook,

I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to close friends you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.

Don't laugh - if this isn't you yet, your day is coming! And if I have sent this to you before....well, now you know why you're getting it again.

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Funny Quotes - Insults

He's the kind of man who picks his friends - to pieces.
- Mae West



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She was what we used to call a suicide blonde - dyed by her own hand.
- Saul Bellow



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Nude painting

Redneck Billy Joe Bob, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew and soon people from all over the country were coming to him for paintings. One day, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house in a stretch limo.

She asked Billy Joe Bob if he would paint her in the nude. This was the first time anyone had made this request. The beautiful lady said money was no object, she was willing to pay $50,000.

Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Billy Joe Bob asked the lady to wait while he went in the house and conferred with his wife.

In a few minutes he returned and told the lady he was willing to do it. However, he would have to leave his socks on so he would have some place to wipe his brushes.

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