Fourth of July Quotes
Fourth of July Quotes
- Oscar Wilde
A doctor who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor looked through the list, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?!?"
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old granddaughter drinks... And believe me, it helps me sleep at night!"
A man who reeked of alcohol flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of rum was sticking out of his ripped jacket pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked "Say, Father, do you know what causes arthritis?"
The priest, disgusted by the man's appearance and behavior snapped "It's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man!"
"Well, I'll be," the man muttered and returned to his newspaper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized, "I'm sorry to have come on so strong - I didn't mean it. How long have you been suffering from arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
- Clarence Darrow
- Samuel Johnson
Funny Quotes Insults 80
I was interviewing a jeweler for a story I was writing on giving new life to old jewelry, and I asked him to tell me about his most memorable client.
"It was a divorced woman who had me make a pair of earrings from her inscribed wedding band," he remembered. "One earring read, 'with all,' and the other, 'my love.'
When I asked why she had wanted it done that way, she answered, 'To remind me the next time anyone says that to me, I should let in go in one ear and out the other.'"
Funny Jokes Texas Talk
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE): I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, and rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
Theres Roses For That
OLYMPIA, Wash. -- What kind of friends coat your apartment -- and nearly everything in it with tinfoil while you're away? Here's a hint: One of the only objects that escaped the shiny treatment was a book titled "Cruel Tricks for Dear Friends." Chris Kirk found his downtown Olympia apartment encased in aluminum foil when he returned home Monday night from a trip to Los Angeles. The walls, ceiling, cabinets and everything in between shimmered, after the prank orchestrated by Kirk's longtime friend, Luke Trerice, 26, who was staying in the apartment while Kirk was away. "He's known for large-scale strangeness," Kirk, 33, told The Olympian. "He warned me that he would be able to touch my stuff, but it didn't sound so bad." Trerice, who lives in Las Vegas, and a small group of friends draped the apartment with about 4,000 square feet of aluminum foil, which cost about $100. Not surprisingly, the idea was hatched on New Year's Eve. "It was just a spur of the moment thing," Trerice said. "I really don't even consider it art. I consider it a psychology project. ... He seems to be upbeat, so I consider this a success. " No detail was too small or too time-consuming. The toilet paper was unrolled, wrapped in foil, then rolled back up again. The friends covered Kirk's book and compact disc collections but made sure each CD case could open and shut normally. They even used foil on each coin in Kirk's spare change. And to sweeten the theme, they left silver Hershey's kisses sprinkled throughout the apartment. "The toilet was hard. The molding around the doorways took a very long time," Trerice said. Aside from "Cruel Tricks for Dear Friends," which doesn't include this particular trick, only a portrait of his girlfriend, the bed and a bath mat were left unfoiled. "He took special pains not to move anything," Kirk said. A foil-encased picture hanging outside his apartment was Kirk's first clue that something inside was amiss. "I heard him open the door and gasp and start laughing," said Beth Kelly, who lives in an apartment down the hall. "I love the quarters. It's almost more funny realizing the things that were left unwrapped." Andras Jones, who lives on the same floor, became curious about what was transpiring in Kirk's apartment as he noticed "a parade of strange characters" going in and out. Since Kirk's return the entire building has been buzzing about the transformation, Jones said. "There's a party atmosphere down by the room," Jones said. "Of course, everyone has their favorite part. I think the kitchen is just amazing." Kirk's awestruck neighbors and friends kept him up until late Monday night. He hasn't started unpacking his belongings and isn't sure when he will. " "As I was trying to sleep last night, I realized that, actually, it's creepy," Kirk said. And as for whether Trerice will ever be allowed to stay again at the apartment unsupervised, Kirk said: "I don't know. We'll see." But Trerice hopes Kirk will find a way to get him back. "I'm going to be insulted if he doesn't try," Trerice said. "It's kind of a challenge."
Driver License Picture
Funny Quotes Insults 80
It's something most of us do religiously: We eat what we want and pray we don't gain weight.
Funny Jokes 97
Blog Of The Day Awards
- Noel Coward
Funny Jokes Furniture Moving