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Funny Jokes - Christmas in Los Angeles

Christmas Jokes -

Christmas in Los Angeles is always interesting. Seeing carolers dressed in Bermuda shorts...groping their way through the smog singing: "It came upon a midnight clear."

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Funny Jokes - Police Officer's Christmas

Funny Jokes -

'Twas the night before Christmas
and throughout the substation,
Not a deputy stirred,
they were all on vacation.

The stockings were hung
on the wall with great care,
Next to some T-shirts
and old underwear.

I was working the night shift
compiling stats,
Answering the phone,
and feeding the rats.

When all of a sudden
there arose such a clatter,
I leapt from my desk
to see what was the matter!

I opened the door
with a creak and a crick,
And saw a jolly red fat man
I knew must be St. Nick.

I had seen his picture
a time or two,
He was wanted:
Article 27 - Section 342.

I threw open the door
and commanded him "Freeze!
Put your hands on you head
and get down on your knees!"

But he turned and he ran,
up the chimney he flew,
With me in pursuit,
toward Booth St. I knew.

When we got to the roof
Santa made for his sleigh,
Throwing down toys
and blocking my way.

As I got to the peak,
he threw down some crack,
I slipped and I fell
landing flat on my back.

To my front I was faced
with a toy M-1 tank,
And Pink Power Rangers
covering my flank.

"On Dasher, on Dancer!",
he cried loud and clear.
Then I got off three rounds
and dropped the lead deer.

And I heard Santa say
as he sailed into the blue,
"Merry Christmas to all!
My Lawyers will sue!"

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Funny Jokes - Christmas Morning

Funny Jokes -
Every Christmas morning, when my kids were little, I read them the nativity
story out of the big family bible.

When the youngest was old enough to talk, she asked me what a stable was.

I thought for a moment how to explain it to her in terms she could
understand, then told her, "It's something like your sister's room, but
without a stereo."

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Funny Jokes - Watchdog

Funny Jokes -
Tonight's my first night as a watchdog,
And here it is Christmas Eve.
The children are sleeping all cozy upstairs,
While I'm guarding the stockin's and tree,
What's that now - footsteps on the rooftop?
Could it be a cat or a mouse?
Who's this down the chimney?
A thief with a beard,
And a big sack for robbin' the house?
I'm barkin', I'm growlin', I'm bitin' his butt.
He howls and jumps back in his sleigh.
I scare his strange horses, they leap in the air,
I've frightened the whole bunch away.
Now the house is all peaceful and quiet again,
The stockin's are safe as can be.
Won't the kiddies be glad when they wake up tomorrow,
And see how I've guarded the tree.

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Funny Jokes - Bank Lobby

Funny Jokes - Bank Lobby

During the years that I was home with my three children, I
occasionally had to handle banking business for our
family-owned corporation. One of those times my youngest was
only two weeks old and the older ones were three and four
years old. With trepidation I entered the bank lobby with
all three children in tow, hoping that they would behave
appropriately for that business climate, and was dismayed to
see several people in each teller's line.

As I held the baby, I swayed and bounced to keep her relaxed
and quiet. After a few minutes, my four-year-old daughter,
who was holding my skirt, looked up and asked, "Mommy, why
are you doing that?"

Then, after a short pause, her face lit with revelation and
she asked knowingly, "Do you need to go potty?"
It's a shame bank lobbies can be so quiet!

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