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7.30.2009

Song Quotes

Song Quotes

I see trees of green........ red roses too
I see ’em bloom..... for me and for you
And I think to myself.... what a wonderful world.

I see skies of blue..... clouds of white
Bright blessed days....dark sacred nights
And I think to myself .....what a wonderful world.

The colors of a rainbow.....so pretty ..in the sky
Are also on the faces.....of people ..going by
I see friends shaking hands.....sayin’.. how do you do
They’re really sayin’......I love you.”

Louis Armstrong

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The Golfer

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The Golfer...[Adult]

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the
hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.
"I have some good news and some bad news." says the surgeon. "The bad news
is that I have to remove your right arm!"

"Oh god no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the
good news?"

"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's
arm! I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant"

"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course
when he bumped into the surgeon. "Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.

Just great" says the business man. "I'm playing the best golf of my life.
My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."

"That's great." said the surgeon.

"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've
learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes
in watercolors."

"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was
such a great success. I'm glad you didn't have side affects."

"Well, just one problem," said the golfer, "every time I get an erection I
also get a headache!"

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7.28.2009

Irish farmer in a car accident

There are always 2 sides to a story!



An Irish farmer named Seamus had a car accident. In court, the lorry company's hotshot solicitor was questioning Seamus. "Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?’ asked the solicitor”.



Seamus responded: "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the . . ."



"I didn't ask for any details, the solicitor interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?"



Seamus said, " Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road . . ."



The solicitor interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."



By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Shamus' answer and said to the solicitor: "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie."



Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"



"Now what the hell would you have said?"

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Funny Jokes

Applying for a Job

A man was applying for a job as a prison guard. The warden
said, "Now these are real tough guys in here. Do you think
you can handle it?"

"No problem," the applicant replied, "If they don't behave,
out they go!"


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7.27.2009

Birthday Greetings

A fellow was very much in love with a beautiful girl.

One day she told him that the next day was her birthday. He told her he would send her a bouquet of roses... one for each year of her life. That evening he called the local florist and ordered twenty-one roses with instructions that they be delivered first thing the next morning.

As the florist was preparing the order, he decided that since the young man was such a good customer,
he would put an extra dozen roses in the bouquet.

The fellow never did find out what made the young girl so angry with him.

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A Stork's Tale

Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork.
The baby stork is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm
him. "Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing
people babies and making them happy."

The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son are
sitting in the nest, the baby stork is crying, and mother is saying
"Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's
bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."

A few days later, the stork's parents are desperate: their son is
absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the
parents ask him where he's been all night.

The baby stork says, "Oh, just scaring the crap out of college
students!"


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7.26.2009

A man is meeting a friend at a bar

A man is meeting a friend at a bar. When entering the bar he noticed two women
sitting at the bar and one looked his was and said "nine" to her friend.

Thinking positive the man thought that she just rated him (Nine Out Of Ten). The
man walked over to his friend and said "man see thoughts women over there, one
just rated me a nine out of ten?" his buddy replied "Man i Sorry to say this but
when i came in they were speaking German!"

if you don't know German nine (nein) means no



http://funnyquotations.blogspot.com/

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Funny Stories

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, an d added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank. Here is the exchange:

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you she died in
January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections. "

Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

Citibank: "Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both !"

Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?" (I really liked this part!!!!)

Citibank: "Excuse me?"

Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?"

Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor." (Duh!)

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

Citibank : "The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply." (This must be a phrase taught by the bank!)

Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"

Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)

Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

<>Family Member: "Sure." (Fax number is given )

After they get the fax:

Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."

Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep bi lling her. I don't think she will care."

Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."(What is wrong with these people?!?)

Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"

Citibank< /B>: "That might help."

Family Member: " Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69."

Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet???


Funny Stories

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Funny Jokes

A unit of soldiers was marching a long dusty march across the
rolling prairie. It was a hot blistering day and the men, longing
for water and rest, were impatient to reach the next town.

A rancher rode past. "Say, friend", called out one of the men,
"how far is it to the next town?"

"Oh, a matter of two miles or so, I reckon," called back the
rancher.

Another long hour dragged by, and another rancher was encountered.

"How far to the next town?" the men asked him eagerly.

"Oh, a good two miles." was his reply.

After nearly another hour longer of marching, a third rancher came
along. "Hey, how far's the next town?" the tired men asked him.

"Not far," was the encouraging answer, "it's only about two miles."

"Well," sighed one of the marchers, "at least we're holding our
own!"


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7.25.2009

Funny Blonde Joke

A businessman got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the
elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying,
"T-G-I-F" (letters only). He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters
only)." She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again. He
acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."
The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and
said as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time.
The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical
expression, "S-H-I-T."
The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said,
"T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"
The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."

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7.24.2009

Funny Joke

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly
to the bartender who approached her immediately.

She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As
he did, she gently caressed his fullbeard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both
hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her
hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender.
"Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her
forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her
fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered,"There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper
towels in the ladiesroom."


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7.23.2009

Funny Wrong Number Joke

WRONG NUMBER
A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead.

"Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked.

"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children."

"Is that a record?" she inquired.

"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."


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7.22.2009

Famous Jokes

The Friars of the Floral Business

Some Friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a
small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy
flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the
competition was unfair.

He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went
back and begged the Friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his
mother to go and ask the Friars to get out of business. They ignored
her, too.

So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most
vicious thug in town, to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the
Friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close
shop.

Terrified, the Friars did so - thereby proving that . . .

Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist Friars.


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7.21.2009

Funny Jokes

HOW TO STAY YOUNG


1. Try everything twice. On Madam's tombstone (of Whelan and Madam), she
said she wanted this epitaph: "Tried everything twice...loved it both
times!"


2. Keep only cheerful friends.
The grouches pull you down. (Keep this In mind if you are one of those
grouches).



3. Keep learning.
Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening,
whatever. Never let the brain get idle.
"An idle mind is the devil's workshop."
And the devil's name is Alzheimer's!


4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

And if you have a friend who makes you laugh, spend lots and lots of time
with HIM/HER.



6. The tears happen.
Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire
life
is ourself. LIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love,
whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.
Your home is your refuge.



8. Cherish your health:
If it is good, preserve it.
If it is unstable, improve it.
If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.


9. Don't take guilt trips! Take a trip to the mall, even to the next
county or to a foreign country, but NOT a guilt trip.
>>> 10. Tell the people you love that you love them at every opportunity.


And if you don't send this to at least 2 people - who cares?

But do share this with someone.

Good friends are like stars...you don't always see them,
but you know they are always there

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7.20.2009

Married Jokes

Married Jokes

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

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Losing a wife can be hard. In most cases, it is damned near impossible.

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he's finished.

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Funny Conspiracy Joke

"You must be the tenth doctor who's told me I'm
suffering from paranoia. What is this, some kind of
conspiracy?" --Baldwin

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7.19.2009

Quote of the Day - Monument

Quote of the Day...

"After I¹m dead I¹d rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I
have one."

- Cato the Elder (234-149 BC, AKA Marcus Porcius Cato)

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Funny Blind Man Joke

A woman was taking a shower. There is a
knock on the door. "Who is it?"

"Blind man!"

The woman opens the door. "Where do you
want these blinds, lady?"

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7.18.2009

Funny Jokes - How to stay young

HOW TO STAY YOUNG


1. Try everything twice. On Madam's tombstone (of Whelan and Madam), she
said she wanted this epitaph: "Tried everything twice...loved it both
times!"


2. Keep only cheerful friends.
The grouches pull you down. (Keep this In mind if you are one of those
grouches).



3. Keep learning.
Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening,
whatever. Never let the brain get idle.
"An idle mind is the devil's workshop."
And the devil's name is Alzheimer's!


4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

And if you have a friend who makes you laugh, spend lots and lots of time
with HIM/HER.



6. The tears happen.
Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire
life
is ourself. LIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love,
whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.
Your home is your refuge.



8. Cherish your health:
If it is good, preserve it.
If it is unstable, improve it.
If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.


9. Don't take guilt trips! Take a trip to the mall, even to the next
county or to a foreign country, but NOT a guilt trip.
>>> 10. Tell the people you love that you love them at every opportunity.


And if you don't send this to at least 2 people - who cares?

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Funny

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Somking in a Crowded Cafeteria

At a Cafeteria

It was afternoon in the crowded cafeteria. The elderly lady sitting at the counter was obviously upset at the cigarette smoke of the young woman beside her. Finally the older woman could take it no longer. She turned to the girl and bellowed with a loud voice "Young lady, I would rather commit adultery than smoke!"

"So would I," sighed the girl, "but you know, there just isn't time enough during a coffee break...."

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Unlucky in Love

Funny Love Quotes




Unlucky in Love

My brother is just not lucky in love. The other day he brought a girl back to his apartment and told her to make herself at home.

She did...she invited her boyfriend over

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Cigarette Smoking Carpet Installer

Problem Solved?

A carpet installer was laying new living room carpeting in a large mansion. After laboriously pulling, stretching, and tacking the carpet, he finally finished, and gratefully sat back to enjoy a cigarette.

Reaching into his shirt pocket, however, he found that his cigarettes were gone, and looking toward the center of the room, he saw a bulge the size of a cigarette pack under the new carpeting. He of course had no intention of pulling up the carpet, so instead he took a large mallet, and pounded the lump flat, so it could not be seen.

He then hopped in his truck and headed back to the office. On the way, he found his cigarettes in the glove compartment.

Just then his cellphone rang. When he answered it, he discovered it was the dispatcher from his office. The dispatcher said that the homeowner had just called them in a panic.

It seems their son's favorite pet hamster was missing. Had the carpet layer seen the hamster while he was in the house?

Cigarette Smoking Carpet Installer

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COMPUTER USER'S REBOOT POEM

THE COMPUTER USER'S REBOOT POEM

Don't you wish when life is bad and things just don't compute,
That all we really had to do was stop and hit reboot?

Things would all turn out ok, life could be so sweet
If we had those special keys Ctrl, Alt, and Delete

Your boss is mad, your bills not paid, your wife, well she's just mute,
Just stop and hit those wonderful keys that make it all reboot

You'd like to have another job but you fear living in the street?
You solve it all and start a new, Ctrl, Alt, and Delete.

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Army Helicopter Pilot - Frequent Movers

Jokes - Army Helicopter Pilot

Frequent Movers

As an Army helicopter pilot you never seem to live in one place for very long. Typically, during a move, you stay in a hotel until you can find a permanent place to have your things delivered.

The four children enjoy this greatly, although sometimes it can be a bit confusing for them.

Recently, as we were driving down an interstate and passed a Holiday Inn, our three-year-old squeaked in excitement from the back seat. "Look," he exclaimed. "There's our old house!"

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Jokes Funny Jokes - Dick Cheney

Jokes Funny Jokes


Body Armor

The U.S. military is now required to wear body armor consisting of four ceramic plates, despite temperatures of 110 degrees in Iraq.

QUESTION
The body armor was designed by:
a) one of "Dick" Cheney's buddies at Halliburton
b) one of "Dick" Cheney's hunting buddies

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No Crying over Broken Glass

Broken Glass

At the end of a particularly severe winter, we removed the protective covers from our cabin cruiser and found that the weight of the snow had broken the windshield. I drove to the local glass shop, where I paid $110 for a replacement.

The owner asked if I'd like them to install it, but I said I could handle it myself.

I managed to climb up the ladder to the deck before dropping the glass. Sheepishly I returned to the shop. The owner showed no emotion as he cut the second glass.

When I saw another $110 charge, I said, "I thought I might get a break on the second piece of glass."

"I did give you a break," he replied.

"How so?" I asked.

"I didn't laugh, did I?" he answered.


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A Groan over a Clone

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A Clone Is Grown

On the distant planet of Anthrax, the dominant population was obsessed with dental hygiene. Partly owing, of course, to the fact that they had three complete receding sets of mandibles. (a-la Alien!) They were so concerned w/ maintaining their teeth that the custom was to floss one's choppers several times a day. To achieve this goal, they grew a "Floss Plant" from which the fibers were extracted to make the necessary product. Being a scientifically advanced species, especially in the area of genetics, they developed a sub-species of workers by using their own genetic print as a starting point, I.E., clones. These clones were specifically designed to harvest the plants & were deficient in other areas such as intelligence. As long as they were supervised, they did a good job but left untended, they would usually wander aimlessly off.

No doubt, you are familiar with their well worn expression.....

A strolling Clone gathers no Floss.

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Cure for Diabetes

Bikers Against Diabetes


Managed Care Finds Cure for Diabetes;

Declaring diabetes mellitus non-existent, managed care companies nation-wide have managed to wipe out diabetes throughout the United States, it was announced today. It was explained that any patient insisting that they have diabetes will be re-diagnosed as having paranoia, and hence will be ineligible for medical care, as mental health benefits are essentially nonexistent in most managed care plans. The insurance industry also announced that their pre-existing policy of refusing to reimburse for syringes or blood glucose test strips, and discouraging patients' Primary Care Physicians from referring to endocrinologists, has been "totally vindicated."

According to an anonymous spokesman for a major managed care company, it is expected that curing diabetes, and terminating contracts with deceased endocrinologists, will allow approximately 57 more insurance company executives to claim 6-figure bonuses at the end of the current Fiscal Year, while only resulting in an additional 15 minutes loss of sleep per night for the average Primary Care Physician, and only an estimated 2,000,000 covered lives to become uncovered deaths.

You may feel free to forward or reproduce this satire, provided you include the following copyright notice:
Copyright C 1997 by the Midwest Diabetes Care Center, Inc.


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Quote of the Day - The Objective of War

Quote of the Day - The Objective of War


Quote of the Day...

"The object of war is not to die for your country, but to make the other bastard die for his."

General George Patton

The real Objective of War : Wealth and Power

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Funny Auto Repair Joke

Auto-Body Repair

One of my first assignments as a trainee in an auto-body shop was a car
needing a new fender and some door repairs.

I spent hours doing a perfect job, but when the owner came to pick it up, he
wasn't pleased.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

Pointing to the side of the car, he complained about the paint not matching,
uneven gaps between panels, and a host of other problems. He demanded an
explanation.

"The repairs were to the other side," I noted.

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Funny Riddle

Funny Riddle


You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your right side is a valley and on your left side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.

Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get your drunk self off the merry-go-round.


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7.17.2009

Funny Kindergarden Joke

Look Different

A kindergarden teacher at age 30 was talking to the children seated on the floor around her, absentmindedly she removed her glasses to clean them.

"Wow, Miss Collins!" one child exclaimed. "You look really different without your glasses on !"

Another child piped up, "I bet she looks different when she takes her teeth out, too!"

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7.16.2009

Funny Addicted to Coffee Jokes

Addicted to Coffee

You Know You're Addicted to Coffee When...

-You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

-People get dizzy just watching you.

-Instant coffee takes too long.

-You channel surf faster without a remote.

-You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

-You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

-You short out motion detectors.

-You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.

-Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

-You help your dog chase its tail.

-You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

-Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

-You ski uphill.

-You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.

-You answer the door before people knock.

-You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.


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7.15.2009

Funny Headline Jokes

Newspaper Headline Comedy

- Deaf College Opens Doors To Hearing

- Air Head Fired

- Steals Clock, Faces Time

- Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff

- Old School Pillars are Replaced By Alumni

- Bank Drive-In Window Blocked By Board

- Hospitals are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors

- Some Pieces Of Rock Hudson Sold At Auction

- Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training

- Include Your Children When Baking Cookies


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7.14.2009

EIGHT SIGNS YOU ARE TOO OLD TO BE TRICK OR TREATING

EIGHT SIGNS YOU ARE TOO OLD TO BE TRICK OR TREATING

8. You get winded from knocking on the door.

7. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

6. You ask for high fiber candy only.

5. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance
and fall over.

4. People say, “Great Keith Richards mask!” and you’re not wearing a
mask.

3. When the door opens you yell, “Trick or…” and can’t remember the
rest.

2. You have to carefully choose a costume that won’t dislodge your
hairpiece.

1. You’re the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

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7.13.2009

First Aid Joke

First Aid Joke

The class was being given a course in first aid. The question was asked, “What would you do if you had a younger sibling who swallowed a house key?”

After a pause, one of the children answered, “I’d climb through the window!”

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Funny Jokes - New Words

Funny Jokes - New Words

Arachnoleptic Fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.

Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you’re eating.

Decaflon (n.) The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Dopelar effect (n.) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them rapidly.

Extraterrestaurant (n.) An eating place where you feel you’ve been abducted and experimented on. Also known as ETry.

Faunacated (adj.) How wildlife ends up when its environment is destroyed. Hence faunacatering (n.), which has made a meal of many species.

Foreploy (n.) Any misrepresentation or outright lie about yourself that leads to sex.

Grantartica (n.) The cold, isolated place where arts companies without funding dwell.

Hemaglobe (n.) The bloody state of the world.

Intaxication (n.) Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Kinstirpation (n.) A painful inability to move relatives who come to visit.

New Words


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7.12.2009

You Look Different With Glasses on

Funny Jokes - You Look Different With Glasses on


A kindergarden teacher at age 30 was talking to the children seated on the floor around her, absentmindedly she removed her glasses to clean them.

"Wow, Miss Collins!" one child exclaimed. "You look really different without your glasses on !"

Another child piped up, "I bet she looks different when she takes her teeth out, too!"

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Natural Foods

Natural Foods

Natural Food


I used to eat a lot of natural foods and then I realized that most people die of natural causes.


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Funny Do Not Touch Joke

Do Not Touch!

Our supply clerk at the factory was in a dither. A box had been left on the loading dock with this warning printed on it: "Danger! Do Not Touch!"

Management was called, and we were told to stay clear of the box until it could be analyzed. When the foreman arrived, he donned safety goggles and gloves, and then he carefully opened the box.

Inside were 25 signs that read: Danger! Do Not Touch!

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7.11.2009

Scientists Reply to Party Invitation

Famous Scientists RSVP to Party Invitations

Funny Jokes


R.S.V.P.

As the story goes, some prominent scientists were invited to a party, and this is how they replied (warning! only avid science students will understand every reference):

* Ampere was worried he wasn't current.

* Audobon said he'd have to wing it.

* Boyle said he was under too much pressure.

* Darwin waited to see what evolved.

* Descartes said he'd think about it.

* Dr Jekyll declined -- he hadn't been feeling himself lately.

* Edison thought it would be illuminating.

* Einstein thought it would be relatively easy to attend.

* Gauss was asked to attend because of his magnetic personality.

* Hertz said in the future he planned to attend with greater frequency.

* Morse's reply: "I'll be there on the dot. Can't stop now, must dash."

* Newton planned to drop in.

* Ohm resisted the idea.

* Pavlov was drooling at the thought.

* Pierre and Marie Curie were radiating enthusiasm.

* Volta was electrified, and Archimedes buoyant at the thought.

* Watt reckoned it would be a good way to let off steam.

* Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orville could get a flight.

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Funny Children's Object Lesson Joke

The Children's Object Lesson
It was common for the preacher to invite the children to the front of the church and have a small lesson before beginning the sermon. He would bring in an item they could find around the house and relate it to a teaching from the Bible.

This particular morning, the visual aid for his lesson was a smoke detector. He asked the children if anyone knew what it meant when an alarm sounded from the smoke detector.

David, a 5 year old, immediately raised his hand and said, "It means Daddy's cooking dinner."

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7.10.2009

Summer Clearance Sale

Summer Clearance Sale

"I see you went crazy at the big summer clearance sale," Wanda comments, as she looks at all the bags of merchandise her friend, Carol just brought home from the store.

"You got that right … I almost bought their elevator ’cause it was marked down."

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7.09.2009

Funny Cowboy Jokes

Cowboy rules for:

Arizona, Texas , Colorado , Oklahoma , New Mexico , Wyoming , Montana , Utah , Idaho ,
and the rest of the Wild West are as follows:

1. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Turn your cap right, your head ain't crooked.

3. Let's get this straight: it's called a 'gravel road.' I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're gonna get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

4. They are cattle. That's why they smell like cattle. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-10 & I-40 go east and west, I-17 & I-15 goes north and south.. Pick one and go.

5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed.. We have $250,000 Combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

6. Every person in the Wild West waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of
geese/pheasants/ducks/doves are comin' in during the hunts, we WILL shoot it outa your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. Yeah. We eat trout, salmon, deer and elk. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

10. We open doors for women. That's applied to all women, regardless of age.

11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak, or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham and turkey.

12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup! Oh, yeah . . We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!

13. You bring 'Coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

14. College and High School Football is as important here as the Giants, the Yankees, the Mets, the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.

15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards - it spooks the fish.

16. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers! Refer back to #1!



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7.08.2009

Funny Overworked Joke

Overworked

When we were looking to buy property, I had this overzealous realtor show us what can only be described as a totally worn-out old farm. I mean the land had just been worked to death. The weeds on the property were hardly even growing.

The smiling super salesman said, "Now really, all this land needs is a little water, a nice cool breeze and some good people."

I replied, "Yeah, I agree. But, couldn't the same be said of Hell?"

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7.06.2009

Funny College Kids Joke

The Generosity Of College Kids

A couple college kids, Stan and Ryan, are riding to school on a Chicago subway train when a homeless man approaches and begs for spare change. Stan adamantly rejects the man in disgust while Ryan, on the other hand, pulls out his wallet and gives the man two dollars and wishes him the best.

The homeless man thanks Ryan kindly and then continues on to the other passengers. Stan is outraged by his friend's act of generosity. "What the heck did you do that?" shouts Stan. "You know he's probably only gonna use it for drugs or booze!"

Ryan replies, "And we weren't?"

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7.04.2009

Funny Jokes

Always drink upstream from the herd.
- Will Rogers

Ten soldiers wisely led will beat a hundred without a head.
- Euripides


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7.03.2009

4th of July Jokes

4th of July Jokes


Funny Jokes - 4th of July Jokes


How is a healthy person like the United States?
They both have good constitutions!

What quacks, has webbed feet, and betrays his country?
Beneduck Arnold!

What's big, cracked, and carries your luggage?
The Liberty Bellhop!

What kind of tea did the American colonists thirst for?
Liberty!

What was General Washington's favorite tree?
The infantry!

What protest by a group of dogs occurred in 1773?
The Boston Flea Party!

4th of July Quotes

What happened as a result of the Stamp Act?
The Americans licked the British!


What ghost haunted King George III?
The spirit of '76!

Did you hear about the cartoonist in the Continental Army?
He was a Yankee doodler!

Why did Paul Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington?
Because the horse was too heavy to carry!

What would you get if you crossed a patriot with a small curly-haired dog?
Yankee Poodle!

4th of July Quotes

Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell?
Yeah, it cracked me up!

What did one flag say to the other flag?
Nothing. It just waved!

What dance was very popular in 1776?
Indepen-dance!

What march would you play at a jungle parade?
"Tarzan Stripes Forever"!

Why is the Liberty Bell like a dropped Easter egg?
Because they're both cracked!

What was the craziest battle of the Revolutionary War?
The Battle of Bonkers Hill.

Fourth of July Recipes

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7.02.2009

Funny Joke

What cant ravel around the world but stay in one corner?

a stamp

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