Funny Jokes Famous Jokes

Funny Joke

2009-07-02T05:43:00.000-07:00

What cant ravel around the world but stay in one corner?

a stamp

Funny Jokes -

Famous Marry Joke

2009-06-30T05:41:00.000-07:00

How Do You Decide Who To Marry?

"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." Ana, age 10

“No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with." Kirsten, age 10

What Is The Right Age To Get Married?

"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person forever by then." Camille, age 10

"No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married." Freddie, age 6

How Can A Stranger Tell If Two People Are Married?

"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people." Eddie, 6

"You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." derrick, age 8

What Do You Think Your Mom And Dad Have In Common?

"Both don't want no more kids." Lori, age 8

What Do Most People Do On A Date?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. Lynnette, age 8.

"on the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." martin, age 10

What Would You Do On A First Date That Was Turning Sour?

"I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns." Craig, age 9

When Is It Ok To Kiss Someone?
"When they're rich." Pam, age 7

"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that."

Curt, age 7

"The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do." Howard, age 8

Is It Better To Be Single Or Married?

"It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them." Anita, 9

"Single is better, for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I’d just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper- changing." Kirsten, age 10

How Would The World Be Different If People Didn't Get Married?
"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?" Kelvin, age 8

"You can be sure of one thing - the boys would come chasing after us just the same as they do now." Roberta, age 7

How Would You Make A Marriage Work?
"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck." Ricky, age 10

"Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents" -Eric, age 6

"When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, 'I’ll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.' Then she says yes, but she's wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find out." -Anita, age 9

"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one." -Kelly, age 9

"My mother says to look for a man who is kind. So that's what I’ll do. I’ll find somebody who's kinda tall and kinda handsome." -Carolyn, age 8

"eighty-four. Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom." -Carolyn, age 8

"once I’m done with kindergarten, I’m going to find me a wife" -Bert, age 5

Funny Jokes -

Funny Earring Joke

2009-06-28T05:37:00.000-07:00

I have often wondered how this trend got started, I now have the answer.

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring, "he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my car."

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Funny Jokes

2009-06-26T05:37:00.000-07:00

Darwin Award Winners:

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked..... And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his Vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun,demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast . The man, frustrated, walked away.

A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage.
A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

Funny Jokes -

Funny Famous Jokes

2009-06-08T06:21:00.000-07:00

* I Love Her, But...
[A collection of men's thoughts on their women.]

..... She has an uncanny way of standing between me and the television screen. Bases loaded, two strikes, three balls. The crowd goes wild, the pitch flies...!!!! And all I can see is her butt.
Howard, Dodge City, Kan.

.....
what's mine is hers. I buy her negligees; she sleeps in my T-shirts.
When she's cold she wears my wool socks to bed, never her own. She
steals my half-used razors; new ones are too sharp. She even wears my
boxers. I'm tempted to switch to briefs just to see what she'd do.
Dave, Martha's Vineyard, Mass.

..... She makes lists.
Things to buy. Things to do. People to call. If it's not on the list,
it doesn't get done. Once, to be funny, I put "sex" on the list.
Mistake. Now it has to be on the list, or it doesn't get done.
Nick, Wheeling, W.Va.

.....
When she gets an idea in her head, there's no stopping her. And no rest
for anyone until it's done. It's not so bad when the idea is to bake
cookies, or even to go on vacation. But when it's to build a new house,
or to get pregnant, things get pretty intense.
Jim, Minneapolis

.....
She'll brush her teeth but she won't go to the dentist. She says she's
not afraid of the pain, she just doesn't want to put herself in the
hands of any fellow who'd choose to be a dentist.
Terence, Gary, Ind.

..... she's stopped shaving her legs. She says that now people will know she's a natural blonde.
Ned, Tucson, Ariz.

..... She takes her half of the bed out of the middle.
Robin, Gladwyne, Pa.

.....
After sex, I mean the second after, she continues where she left off.
Her eyes open and before you can breathe, you hear, " ... And, oh,
yeah, I have to defrost the chicken, and your mother wants you to pick
up her dry cleaning ..."
Jimmy, Fort Lauderdale, Fla.

.....
In bed I'm her high school teacher, captain of the football team, her
boss, the bad boy, a waiter, a lifeguard, a telephone repairman, a cop.
Once in a while I'd like to be me.
Neil, Orlando, Fla.

..... She wears these false eyelashes. She left 'em lying around and I slammed 'em with my newspaper, tried to kill the damn things. Scared me half to death.
Gordon, Oklahoma City, Okla.

..... Counting my wife and our teenage girls, that's four women. Somebody's always got PMS.
Everett, Little Rock, Ark.

Funny Jokes -

Funny Famous Joke

2009-06-06T06:20:00.000-07:00

Hi,

For better tomorrow of yours and your family....

Health:
1. Drink plenty of water.
2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.
4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm, and Empathy.
5. Make time to practice meditation, yoga, and prayer.
6. Play more games.
7. Read more books than you did in 2008.
8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.
9. Sleep for 7 hours.
10. Take a 10-30 minutes walk every day. And while you walk, smile.

Personality:
11. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
12. Don't have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
13. Don't over do. Keep your limits.
14. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
15. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.
16. Dream more while you are awake.
17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
18. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner with his/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.
20. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present..
21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
22. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
23. Smile and laugh more.
24. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

Society:
25. Call your family often.
26. Each day give something good to others.
27. Forgive everyone for everything.
28. Spend time with people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.
29. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
30. What other people think of you is none of your business.
31. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

Life:
32. Do the right thing!
33. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
34. GOD heals everything.
35. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
36. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
37. The best is yet to come.
38. When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it.
39. Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy.

Funny Jokes -

Funny Bad Jokes

2009-06-05T05:19:00.000-07:00

Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.

Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the Woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.

Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.

Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.

Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker .
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients.
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do

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Funny Endearments Joke

2009-06-02T05:17:00.000-07:00

Endearments

A guy was invited to some old friends' home for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

He was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years. While the wife was off in the kitchen, the guy said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names."

His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago."

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Funny Good Morning Joke

2009-06-01T05:18:00.000-07:00

GOOD MORNING

My face in the mirror
Isn't wrinkled or drawn.
My house isn't dirty.
The cobwebs are gone.
My garden looks lovely
And so does my lawn.
I think I might never...

Put my glasses back on.

Funny Jokes -

Funny Hairdryer Joke

2009-04-15T05:39:00.000-07:00

The Hairdryer- Getting a hairdryer through customs...
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?
'Of course child What may I do for you?' 'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?''I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.' 'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.' When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.' The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?' 'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is,to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'

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Funny Walmart Joke

2009-04-14T05:37:00.001-07:00

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind
him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Walmart. Just give it a urine
sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do
about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars. A lot cheaper
than a Doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Walmart.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the
urine sample.

He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm
in warm water and avoid heavy activity.
It will improve in two
weeks.
Thank you for shopping @ Walmart.

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was,

Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples
from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Walmart eager to check the results.

He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the
results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
(Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your
elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Walmart.

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Funny Sailboat Joke

2009-04-13T05:36:00.000-07:00

Capsized Sailboat

Did you hear about the lawyer on vacation whose sailboat capsized in dangerous, shark-infested waters?

He surprised his traveling companions by volunteering to swim to the far-off shore for help. As he swam, his companions were startled by the appearance of two dorsal fins -- great white sharks, heading straight toward the lawyer.

To their surprise, the sharks allowed the lawyer to take hold of their fins, and escorted him safely to shore.

When the lawyer returned with help, his companions asked him how he had managed such an incredible feat. The lawyer answered, "Professional courtesy."

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Funny Joke

2009-04-12T05:35:00.000-07:00

Final Requests

A woman in Brooklyn decided to prepare her Will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered all over Bloomingdales.

"Why Bloomingdales?

" asked the rabbi.

"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

Funny Jokes -

Funny Soccer Joke

2009-04-11T05:34:00.000-07:00

The Soccer Stars

A teacher at a school for blind kids is taking his school's soccer team to an "away game". They stop for a rest break, and to let the kids work off some energy with a little impromptu practice in a nearby pasture. The teacher is sitting in a nearby diner, explaining to another patron how it is that blind kids can play soccer.

"We made a special ball, with a bell in it, so the kids can keep track of where the ball is and what it's doing by listening for it. They're pretty good at it too."

"Very clever!" remarks the other patron.

Just then they are interrupted as another patron, who is looking out the window, says, "Hey! Are you the guy with those darn blind kids from the bus?"

"Yes," says the teacher, stung by the way "his" kids are being referred to, "what about it? You got something against blind kids?"

"Nothing, ordinarily," says the guy, still scowling out the window, "but you better get them rounded up quick! They're kicking the heck out of my best milk cow!"

Funny Jokes -

Funny God Joke

2009-04-10T05:27:00.000-07:00

God Takes a Holiday

God is tired, worn out. So he speaks to St. Peter, "You know, I need a vacation. Got any suggestions where I should go?"

St. Peter, thinking, nods his head, then says, "How about Jupiter? It's nice and warm there this time of the year."

God shakes His head before saying, "No. Too much gravity. You know how that hurts my back."

"Hmmm," St. Peter reflects. "Well, how about Mercury?"

"No way!" God mutters, "It's way too hot for me there!"

"I've got it," St. Peter says, his face lighting up. "How about going Down to Earth for your vacation?"

Chuckling, God remarks, "Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went there, had an affair with some nice Jewish girl, and they're STILL talking about it!"

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Funny Sick Jokes

2009-04-09T05:26:00.000-07:00

For the Sick

A little 9 year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.

"Mommy" she said, " Can we leave now?"

"No." her mother replied.

"Well, I think I have to throw up!"

"Well, then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."

In about 2 minutes the little girl returned to her seat.

"Did you throw up?" her mother asked.

"Yes," replied the little girl.

"Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?"

"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy," she replied. "They have a box next to the front door that says 'for the sick.'"

Funny Jokes -

Funny Joke

2009-04-08T05:25:00.000-07:00

Upholstered

Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine?

He's fully recovered.

Funny Jokes -

Funny Joke

2009-03-12T03:31:00.000-07:00

Appearances...

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose in to other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Elmer, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Elmer (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know exactly what he was doing!

Elmer, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny... he said nothing.

Later that evening, Elmer quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... walked home... and left it there all night.

Funny Jokes -

Funny Joke

2009-03-11T03:32:00.000-07:00

Louis Armstrong was flying back from Europe, and on the same plane was
then-Congressman Richard Nixon. Nixon was apparently a fan of Louis and they
chatted throughout the flight.

When they arrived in New York, Louis said to Nixon, listen I'm an old man
and I've got all this stuff to carry, why don't you carry my trumpet for me
and help me out?

And that is the story of how Richard Nixon carried Louis Armstrong's stash
of weed through customs at the New York airport.

Thanks To,
Jack Kolb
Dept. of English, UCLA

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Funny Penniless Joke

2009-03-10T03:37:00.000-07:00

People always say, "It's such a shame. He died penniless."

As if that's a terrible thing.

I don't know, it sounds like good timing to m

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Funny Little Pauly Joke

2009-03-09T03:36:00.000-07:00

Little Pauly was diligently pounding away on the keyboard of Uncle
T.O.P.'s computer, using a word processor.

"What are you doing?" Asked Uncle T.O.P.

"I'm writing a story in French," replied Pauly.

"Merveilleux! What's it about?"

Pauly: "I don't know. I can't read French."

Funny Jokes -

Famous Joke

2009-03-08T03:35:00.000-07:00

The Train Engineer and His Fireman

A steam locomotive passing through Poland one night was running
low on coal. The engineer said to his fireman, "We're coming to a
town, let's stop and send the porter out to get more coal. Can you
see the name of the town on the depot sign?"

The fireman replied, "It appears to be Danzig in the dark."

And the engineer shouted, "Buy coal, Porter!"

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Funny Joke

2009-03-07T03:22:00.000-08:00

He: "Do you take your glasses off because you think it makes you look better?"

She: "No, I take them off because it makes YOU look better!"

Funny Jokes -

Funny Political Joke

2009-03-06T06:20:00.000-08:00

"I think it's important to note that nobody hates the troops
more than decorated war hero John Kerry. We're all very, very
lucky that we have draft-dodgers like George Bush and Dick
Cheney to point that out to us."
- Jimmy Kimmel

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Funny Political Joke

2009-03-05T03:21:00.000-08:00

"Last night eight Republicans running away from President Bush
were killed when they ran head-on into eight Democrats running
away from John Kerry."
- Argus Hamilton

Funny Jokes -