Funny Jokes Famous Jokes

Tax Joke

2008-04-16T11:46:00.000-07:00

The attitude of Congress toward hidden taxes is
not to do away with them, but to hide them better.

Funny Jokes -

Funny Jokes

2008-04-06T19:57:00.001-07:00

THE FIVE SECRETS OF A PERFECT RELATIONSHIP.....

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, who cleans up and who has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.

Cucumber Salad Recipes

Funny Quotes - Insults

2008-04-05T08:18:00.001-07:00

Why, this fellow don't know any more about politics than a pig knows about Sunday.
- Harry S Truman (about Dwight D. Eisenhower)

Love Quotes

Funny Quotes - Insults

2008-04-05T08:17:00.001-07:00

He knows so little and knows it so fluently.
- Ellen Glasgow

Jokes

Funny Jokes

2008-04-05T08:04:00.001-07:00

Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together for people over 50:

1. A nose ring and bifocals

2. Spiked hair and bald spots

3. A pierced tongue and dentures

4. Miniskirts and support hose

5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads

6. Speedos and cellulite

7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar

8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor

9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge

10. Bikinis and liver spots

11. Short shorts and varicose veins

12. In-line skates and a walker

Benefits of Advertising

Funny Jokes - Silly Jokes

2008-04-05T08:03:00.001-07:00

I believe Dr. Kevorkian is onto something. I think hes great. Because suicide is our way of saying to God, "You cant fire me. I quit." - Bill Maher

Restaurant Reviews

Funny Quotes - Insults

2008-04-04T19:17:00.001-07:00

He'd make a lovely corpse.
- Charles Dickens

East Valley

Funny Jokes

2008-04-04T19:16:00.001-07:00

Two guys are moving about in a Wal-Mart when their carts collide. One says to the other, "Excuse me, but I'm looking for my wife."

"What a coincidence, so am I, and I'm getting a little desperate."

"Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?"

"She's tall, with dark hair, long legs, firm boobs, and a tight ass. What's your wife look like?"

"Never mind, let's look for yours!"

Arizona Advertising

Funny Jokes

2008-04-04T18:56:00.001-07:00

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
- Douglas Adams

Quotes

Funny Quotes - Insults

2008-04-04T18:55:00.001-07:00

He makes a July's day short as December.
- William Shakespeare

Bill Austin

Funny Jokes

2008-04-04T16:05:00.001-07:00

It Could Happen.....

A blonde female police officer pulls over a blonde gal, in a convertible sports car, for speeding. She walks up to the car and asks the blond for her driver's license. The blonde convertible driver searches through her purse, in vain. Finally she asks, "What does it look like?" The blonde police officer tells her, "It's that thing with your picture on it." The blonde driver searches for a few more seconds, pulls out her compact, opens it, and sure enough sees herself. She hands the compact to the blonde cop.

After a few seconds looking at the compact, the blonde cop rolls her eyes, hands the compact back to the blonde convertible driver and says, "If you would have told me you were a police officer when I first pulled you over we could have avoided this whole thing."

Quotes

Funny Quotes - Insults

2008-04-04T16:04:00.000-07:00

God was bored by him.
- Victor Hugo

Recipes

Funny Jokes

2008-04-04T14:23:00.001-07:00

Marketing 101

Several friends have asked for an explanation of Marketing. Perhaps the following examples will help clear it up:

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend. That's a Sales Rep.

Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you. That's Tech Support.

You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!" That's Spam.

Famous Quotes

Funny Quotes - Insults

2008-04-04T14:22:00.001-07:00

What has a tiny brain, a big mouth, and an opinion nobody cares about? You!
- from Murphy Brown

Famous Quotes

Funny Jokes

2008-04-04T14:21:00.001-07:00

Wackiest Warning Labels Ever

* A popular manufactured fireplace log warns: "Caution: Risk of Fire."

* A box of birthday cake candles says: "DO NOT use soft wax as ear plugs or for any other function that involves insertion into a body cavity."

* "Do not use snow blower on the roof."

* "Do not allow children to play in the dishwasher."

Famous Sayings

Funny Jokes

2008-04-04T14:20:00.001-07:00

Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together for people over 50:

1. A nose ring and bifocals

2. Spiked hair and bald spots

3. A pierced tongue and dentures

4. Miniskirts and support hose

5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads

6. Speedos and cellulite

7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar

8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor

9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge

10. Bikinis and liver spots

11. Short shorts and varicose veins

12. In-line skates and a walker

Quotes and Sayings

Funny Quotes - Insults

2008-04-04T13:50:00.003-07:00

She tells enough white lies to ice a wedding cake.
- Margot Asquith

Bikers Against Diabetes

Funny Jokes

2008-04-04T13:50:00.001-07:00

Catholic mothers

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?" She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hard bodied, well-hung, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, "My God...."

Rip's BAD Ride

Funny Quotes - Insults

2008-03-31T22:15:00.001-07:00

She never was really charming till she died.
- Terence

Famous Sayings

Funny Jokes

2008-03-31T22:14:00.001-07:00

Pet Diary

Excerpts from a Dog's Daily Diary

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE! 10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 12:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE! 4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 5:30 pm - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE! 6:00 pm - OH BOY! PLAYING BALL! MY FAVORITE! 6:30 pm - OH BOY! DAD! MY FAVORITE! 9:15 pm - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE! 9:30 pm - OH BOY! SLEEPING IN MASTER'S BED! MY FAVORITE!

Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary

Day 183 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the furniture and the drapes.

Yesterday I feigned sleeping on third stair from the top while the lights were out. This caused a catapult of my captor down the stairs to avoid stepping on me, but unfortunately there were no injuries. Will do this every night until I get results.

Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. Must try this at the top of the stairs.

In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair. Must try this on their bed.

Tomorrow I will eat another houseplant.

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless, bloody body in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of. This should strike fear into their hearts. Instead they only cooed and condescended about what a good little mouser I was. Hmmm, next time I'll bring them a baby bird.

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the suspended metal room his safety is assured, but I can wait. It is only a matter of time.

Famous Quotes

Funny Quotes - Insults

2008-03-31T20:53:00.001-07:00

She looks like something that would eat its young.
- Dorothy Parker

Famous Quotes

Funny Jokes - Silly Jokes

2008-03-31T20:52:00.001-07:00

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude theyll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob." All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Dont forget the coffee!"

Quotes

Funny Jokes

2008-03-31T20:20:00.003-07:00

Daily Affirmations for Pessimists

Don't try beating 'em or joining 'em. Either hang out by yourself or quit.

Seek, and you shall be disappointed.

Knock, and the door shall be slammed in your face.

If you don't have anything nice to say, welcome to the club.

Did you ever sit back and evaluate your life and think, "Wow, things are going just as I always wanted them to?" I didn't think so. Me either.

Spring Chicken Recipes Carnival of the Recipes

Funny Jokes

2008-03-31T20:20:00.001-07:00

Rabbit Anyone???

A young cook decided that the French would enjoy feasting on rabbits and decided to raise rabbits in Paris and sell them to the finer restaurants in the city. He searched all over Paris seeking a suitable place to raise his rabbits. None could be found. Finally, an old priest at the cathedral said he could have a small area behind the rectory for his rabbits. He successfully raised a number of them and when he went about Paris selling them, a restaurant owner asked him where he got such fresh rabbits. The young man replied, "I raise them myself, near the cathedral. In fact, I have a hutch back of Notre Dame."

Spring Chicken Recipes

Funny Quotes - Insults

2008-03-31T19:17:00.001-07:00

While he was not dumber than an ox he was not any smarter either.
- James Thurber

Diabetic Beef Recipes