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7.28.2009

Funny Jokes

Applying for a Job

A man was applying for a job as a prison guard. The warden
said, "Now these are real tough guys in here. Do you think
you can handle it?"

"No problem," the applicant replied, "If they don't behave,
out they go!"


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7.27.2009

Funny Jokes

A Stork's Tale

Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork.
The baby stork is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm
him. "Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing
people babies and making them happy."

The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son are
sitting in the nest, the baby stork is crying, and mother is saying
"Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's
bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."

A few days later, the stork's parents are desperate: their son is
absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the
parents ask him where he's been all night.

The baby stork says, "Oh, just scaring the crap out of college
students!"


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7.25.2009

Funny Blonde Joke

A businessman got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the
elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying,
"T-G-I-F" (letters only). He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters
only)." She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again. He
acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."
The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and
said as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time.
The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical
expression, "S-H-I-T."
The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said,
"T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"
The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."

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7.24.2009

Funny Joke

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly
to the bartender who approached her immediately.

She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As
he did, she gently caressed his fullbeard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both
hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her
hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender.
"Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her
forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her
fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered,"There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper
towels in the ladiesroom."


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7.23.2009

Funny Wrong Number Joke

WRONG NUMBER
A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead.

"Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked.

"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children."

"Is that a record?" she inquired.

"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."


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7.22.2009

Famous Jokes

The Friars of the Floral Business

Some Friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a
small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy
flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the
competition was unfair.

He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went
back and begged the Friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his
mother to go and ask the Friars to get out of business. They ignored
her, too.

So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most
vicious thug in town, to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the
Friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close
shop.

Terrified, the Friars did so - thereby proving that . . .

Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist Friars.


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7.21.2009

Funny Jokes

HOW TO STAY YOUNG


1. Try everything twice. On Madam's tombstone (of Whelan and Madam), she
said she wanted this epitaph: "Tried everything twice...loved it both
times!"


2. Keep only cheerful friends.
The grouches pull you down. (Keep this In mind if you are one of those
grouches).



3. Keep learning.
Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening,
whatever. Never let the brain get idle.
"An idle mind is the devil's workshop."
And the devil's name is Alzheimer's!


4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

And if you have a friend who makes you laugh, spend lots and lots of time
with HIM/HER.



6. The tears happen.
Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire
life
is ourself. LIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love,
whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.
Your home is your refuge.



8. Cherish your health:
If it is good, preserve it.
If it is unstable, improve it.
If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.


9. Don't take guilt trips! Take a trip to the mall, even to the next
county or to a foreign country, but NOT a guilt trip.
>>> 10. Tell the people you love that you love them at every opportunity.


And if you don't send this to at least 2 people - who cares?

But do share this with someone.

Good friends are like stars...you don't always see them,
but you know they are always there

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7.20.2009

Funny Conspiracy Joke

"You must be the tenth doctor who's told me I'm
suffering from paranoia. What is this, some kind of
conspiracy?" --Baldwin

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7.19.2009

Funny Blind Man Joke

A woman was taking a shower. There is a
knock on the door. "Who is it?"

"Blind man!"

The woman opens the door. "Where do you
want these blinds, lady?"

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7.18.2009

Funny Auto Repair Joke

Auto-Body Repair

One of my first assignments as a trainee in an auto-body shop was a car
needing a new fender and some door repairs.

I spent hours doing a perfect job, but when the owner came to pick it up, he
wasn't pleased.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

Pointing to the side of the car, he complained about the paint not matching,
uneven gaps between panels, and a host of other problems. He demanded an
explanation.

"The repairs were to the other side," I noted.

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7.17.2009

Funny Kindergarden Joke

Look Different

A kindergarden teacher at age 30 was talking to the children seated on the floor around her, absentmindedly she removed her glasses to clean them.

"Wow, Miss Collins!" one child exclaimed. "You look really different without your glasses on !"

Another child piped up, "I bet she looks different when she takes her teeth out, too!"

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7.16.2009

Funny Addicted to Coffee Jokes

Addicted to Coffee

You Know You're Addicted to Coffee When...

-You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

-People get dizzy just watching you.

-Instant coffee takes too long.

-You channel surf faster without a remote.

-You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

-You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

-You short out motion detectors.

-You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.

-Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

-You help your dog chase its tail.

-You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

-Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

-You ski uphill.

-You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.

-You answer the door before people knock.

-You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.


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7.10.2009

Summer Clearance Sale

Summer Clearance Sale

"I see you went crazy at the big summer clearance sale," Wanda comments, as she looks at all the bags of merchandise her friend, Carol just brought home from the store.

"You got that right … I almost bought their elevator ’cause it was marked down."

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3.11.2009

Funny Joke

Louis Armstrong was flying back from Europe, and on the same plane was
then-Congressman Richard Nixon. Nixon was apparently a fan of Louis and they
chatted throughout the flight.

When they arrived in New York, Louis said to Nixon, listen I'm an old man
and I've got all this stuff to carry, why don't you carry my trumpet for me
and help me out?

And that is the story of how Richard Nixon carried Louis Armstrong's stash
of weed through customs at the New York airport.

Thanks To,
Jack Kolb
Dept. of English, UCLA

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3.10.2009

Funny Penniless Joke

People always say, "It's such a shame. He died penniless."

As if that's a terrible thing.

I don't know, it sounds like good timing to m

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3.09.2009

Funny Little Pauly Joke

Little Pauly was diligently pounding away on the keyboard of Uncle
T.O.P.'s computer, using a word processor.

"What are you doing?" Asked Uncle T.O.P.

"I'm writing a story in French," replied Pauly.

"Merveilleux! What's it about?"

Pauly: "I don't know. I can't read French."


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3.08.2009

Famous Joke

The Train Engineer and His Fireman

A steam locomotive passing through Poland one night was running
low on coal. The engineer said to his fireman, "We're coming to a
town, let's stop and send the porter out to get more coal. Can you
see the name of the town on the depot sign?"

The fireman replied, "It appears to be Danzig in the dark."

And the engineer shouted, "Buy coal, Porter!"


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2.26.2009

Funny Computer Joke

FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! (it comes bundled with the software).

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2.25.2009

Funny Physics Joke

A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated
concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.

"Why do we have to learn this stuff?" one young man blurted out.

"To save lives," the professor responded before continuing the lecture.

A few minutes later the student spoke up again. "So how does physics
save lives?"

The professor stared at the student for a long time without saying a
word. Finally the professor continued.

"Physics saves lives," he said, "because it keeps certain people out of
medical school."

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2.20.2009

Famous Joke

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his
grandmother and found a water pistol. He squealed with de-
light and headed for the nearest sink.
I was not so pleased.

I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you
remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"

Mom smiled and then replied, "I remember."

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2.08.2009

Funny Jokes

The college football player knew his way around the locker
room better than he did the library, so when my husband's
co-worker saw the gridiron star roaming the stacks looking
confused, she asked how she could help.

"I have to read a play by Shakespeare," he said.

"Which one?" she asked.

He scanned the shelves and answered, "William."
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2.07.2009

Famous Joke

Dental Work

A guy went to his dentist for a checkup, and the dentist saw that his dental
plate was all corroded.

The dentist asked, "What have you been doing? Have you changed your diet or
anything?"

The patient said, "I've discovered Hollandaise sauce and eat it every chance
I get. Maybe that's what's causing the problem."

The dentist answered, "Oh, I see. In that case, I'll make you a new plate
out of chrome."

The patient was puzzled. "Chrome? Why chrome?" he asked.

The dentist answered, "Because there's no plate like chrome for the
Hollandaise."

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2.06.2009

Funny Joke

Muldoon's dog died

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic!?

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12.20.2008

Funny Jokes - Christmas in Los Angeles

Christmas Jokes -

Christmas in Los Angeles is always interesting. Seeing carolers dressed in Bermuda shorts...groping their way through the smog singing: "It came upon a midnight clear."

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12.19.2008

Funny Jokes - Police Officer's Christmas

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THE POLICE OFFICER'S CHRISTMAS

'Twas the night before Christmas
and throughout the substation,
Not a deputy stirred,
they were all on vacation.

The stockings were hung
on the wall with great care,
Next to some T-shirts
and old underwear.

I was working the night shift
compiling stats,
Answering the phone,
and feeding the rats.

When all of a sudden
there arose such a clatter,
I leapt from my desk
to see what was the matter!

I opened the door
with a creak and a crick,
And saw a jolly red fat man
I knew must be St. Nick.

I had seen his picture
a time or two,
He was wanted:
Article 27 - Section 342.

I threw open the door
and commanded him "Freeze!
Put your hands on you head
and get down on your knees!"

But he turned and he ran,
up the chimney he flew,
With me in pursuit,
toward Booth St. I knew.

When we got to the roof
Santa made for his sleigh,
Throwing down toys
and blocking my way.

As I got to the peak,
he threw down some crack,
I slipped and I fell
landing flat on my back.

To my front I was faced
with a toy M-1 tank,
And Pink Power Rangers
covering my flank.

"On Dasher, on Dancer!",
he cried loud and clear.
Then I got off three rounds
and dropped the lead deer.

And I heard Santa say
as he sailed into the blue,
"Merry Christmas to all!
My Lawyers will sue!"

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12.18.2008

Funny Jokes - Christmas Morning

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Every Christmas morning, when my kids were little, I read them the nativity
story out of the big family bible.

When the youngest was old enough to talk, she asked me what a stable was.

I thought for a moment how to explain it to her in terms she could
understand, then told her, "It's something like your sister's room, but
without a stereo."

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12.17.2008

Funny Jokes - Watchdog

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WATCHDOG
Tonight's my first night as a watchdog,
And here it is Christmas Eve.
The children are sleeping all cozy upstairs,
While I'm guarding the stockin's and tree,
What's that now - footsteps on the rooftop?
Could it be a cat or a mouse?
Who's this down the chimney?
A thief with a beard,
And a big sack for robbin' the house?
I'm barkin', I'm growlin', I'm bitin' his butt.
He howls and jumps back in his sleigh.
I scare his strange horses, they leap in the air,
I've frightened the whole bunch away.
Now the house is all peaceful and quiet again,
The stockin's are safe as can be.
Won't the kiddies be glad when they wake up tomorrow,
And see how I've guarded the tree.

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4.16.2008

Tax Joke

The attitude of Congress toward hidden taxes is
not to do away with them, but to hide them better.

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3.18.2008

ON INNER STRENGTH

I love the confidence that makeup gives me.
Tyra Banks

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Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

Mrs. Pauly and her friend were talking about their labor-saving devices
as they pulled into our driveway. Her friend said, "I love my new
garage-door opener." "I love mine too," my wife replied, and she honked
the horn three times. That was the signal for me to come out and open
the garage...!

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