Funny Joke

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly
to the bartender who approached her immediately.

She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As
he did, she gently caressed his fullbeard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both
hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her
hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender.
"Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her
forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her
fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered,"There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper
towels in the ladiesroom."


Funny Jokes -

Famous Jokes

The Friars of the Floral Business

Some Friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a
small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy
flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the
competition was unfair.

He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went
back and begged the Friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his
mother to go and ask the Friars to get out of business. They ignored
her, too.

So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most
vicious thug in town, to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the
Friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close
shop.

Terrified, the Friars did so - thereby proving that . . .

Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist Friars.


Funny Jokes -

Funny Jokes

HOW TO STAY YOUNG


1. Try everything twice. On Madam's tombstone (of Whelan and Madam), she
said she wanted this epitaph: "Tried everything twice...loved it both
times!"


2. Keep only cheerful friends.
The grouches pull you down. (Keep this In mind if you are one of those
grouches).



3. Keep learning.
Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening,
whatever. Never let the brain get idle.
"An idle mind is the devil's workshop."
And the devil's name is Alzheimer's!


4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

And if you have a friend who makes you laugh, spend lots and lots of time
with HIM/HER.



6. The tears happen.
Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire
life
is ourself. LIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love,
whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.
Your home is your refuge.



8. Cherish your health:
If it is good, preserve it.
If it is unstable, improve it.
If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.


9. Don't take guilt trips! Take a trip to the mall, even to the next
county or to a foreign country, but NOT a guilt trip.
>>> 10. Tell the people you love that you love them at every opportunity.


And if you don't send this to at least 2 people - who cares?

But do share this with someone.

Good friends are like stars...you don't always see them,
but you know they are always there

Funny Jokes -

Funny Conspiracy Joke

"You must be the tenth doctor who's told me I'm
suffering from paranoia. What is this, some kind of
conspiracy?" --Baldwin

Funny Jokes -

Funny Blind Man Joke

A woman was taking a shower. There is a
knock on the door. "Who is it?"

"Blind man!"

The woman opens the door. "Where do you
want these blinds, lady?"

Funny Jokes -

Funny Auto Repair Joke

Auto-Body Repair

One of my first assignments as a trainee in an auto-body shop was a car
needing a new fender and some door repairs.

I spent hours doing a perfect job, but when the owner came to pick it up, he
wasn't pleased.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

Pointing to the side of the car, he complained about the paint not matching,
uneven gaps between panels, and a host of other problems. He demanded an
explanation.

"The repairs were to the other side," I noted.

Funny Jokes -

Funny Kindergarden Joke

Look Different

A kindergarden teacher at age 30 was talking to the children seated on the floor around her, absentmindedly she removed her glasses to clean them.

"Wow, Miss Collins!" one child exclaimed. "You look really different without your glasses on !"

Another child piped up, "I bet she looks different when she takes her teeth out, too!"

Funny Jokes -

Funny Addicted to Coffee Jokes

Addicted to Coffee

You Know You're Addicted to Coffee When...

-You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

-People get dizzy just watching you.

-Instant coffee takes too long.

-You channel surf faster without a remote.

-You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

-You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

-You short out motion detectors.

-You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.

-Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

-You help your dog chase its tail.

-You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

-Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

-You ski uphill.

-You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.

-You answer the door before people knock.

-You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.


Funny Jokes -

Funny Headline Jokes

Newspaper Headline Comedy

- Deaf College Opens Doors To Hearing

- Air Head Fired

- Steals Clock, Faces Time

- Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff

- Old School Pillars are Replaced By Alumni

- Bank Drive-In Window Blocked By Board

- Hospitals are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors

- Some Pieces Of Rock Hudson Sold At Auction

- Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training

- Include Your Children When Baking Cookies


Funny Jokes -

Funny Do Not Touch Joke

Do Not Touch!

Our supply clerk at the factory was in a dither. A box had been left on the loading dock with this warning printed on it: "Danger! Do Not Touch!"

Management was called, and we were told to stay clear of the box until it could be analyzed. When the foreman arrived, he donned safety goggles and gloves, and then he carefully opened the box.

Inside were 25 signs that read: Danger! Do Not Touch!

Funny Jokes -

Funny Children's Object Lesson Joke

The Children's Object Lesson
It was common for the preacher to invite the children to the front of the church and have a small lesson before beginning the sermon. He would bring in an item they could find around the house and relate it to a teaching from the Bible.

This particular morning, the visual aid for his lesson was a smoke detector. He asked the children if anyone knew what it meant when an alarm sounded from the smoke detector.

David, a 5 year old, immediately raised his hand and said, "It means Daddy's cooking dinner."

Funny Jokes -

Summer Clearance Sale

Summer Clearance Sale

"I see you went crazy at the big summer clearance sale," Wanda comments, as she looks at all the bags of merchandise her friend, Carol just brought home from the store.

"You got that right … I almost bought their elevator ’cause it was marked down."

Funny Jokes

Funny Cowboy Jokes

Cowboy rules for:

Arizona, Texas , Colorado , Oklahoma , New Mexico , Wyoming , Montana , Utah , Idaho ,
and the rest of the Wild West are as follows:

1. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Turn your cap right, your head ain't crooked.

3. Let's get this straight: it's called a 'gravel road.' I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're gonna get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

4. They are cattle. That's why they smell like cattle. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-10 & I-40 go east and west, I-17 & I-15 goes north and south.. Pick one and go.

5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed.. We have $250,000 Combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

6. Every person in the Wild West waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of
geese/pheasants/ducks/doves are comin' in during the hunts, we WILL shoot it outa your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. Yeah. We eat trout, salmon, deer and elk. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

10. We open doors for women. That's applied to all women, regardless of age.

11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak, or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham and turkey.

12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup! Oh, yeah . . We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!

13. You bring 'Coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

14. College and High School Football is as important here as the Giants, the Yankees, the Mets, the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.

15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards - it spooks the fish.

16. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers! Refer back to #1!



Funny Jokes -

Funny College Kids Joke

The Generosity Of College Kids

A couple college kids, Stan and Ryan, are riding to school on a Chicago subway train when a homeless man approaches and begs for spare change. Stan adamantly rejects the man in disgust while Ryan, on the other hand, pulls out his wallet and gives the man two dollars and wishes him the best.

The homeless man thanks Ryan kindly and then continues on to the other passengers. Stan is outraged by his friend's act of generosity. "What the heck did you do that?" shouts Stan. "You know he's probably only gonna use it for drugs or booze!"

Ryan replies, "And we weren't?"

Funny Jokes -

Funny Jokes

Always drink upstream from the herd.
- Will Rogers

Ten soldiers wisely led will beat a hundred without a head.
- Euripides


Funny Jokes -

Funny Joke

What cant ravel around the world but stay in one corner?

a stamp

Funny Jokes -

Funny Earring Joke

I have often wondered how this trend got started, I now have the answer.

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring, "he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my car."

Funny Jokes -

Funny Jokes

Darwin Award Winners:

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked..... And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his Vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun,demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast . The man, frustrated, walked away.

A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage.
A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.


Funny Jokes -

Funny Famous Joke

Hi,

For better tomorrow of yours and your family....

Health:
1. Drink plenty of water.
2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.
4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm, and Empathy.
5. Make time to practice meditation, yoga, and prayer.
6. Play more games.
7. Read more books than you did in 2008.
8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.
9. Sleep for 7 hours.
10. Take a 10-30 minutes walk every day. And while you walk, smile.

Personality:
11. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
12. Don't have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
13. Don't over do. Keep your limits.
14. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
15. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.
16. Dream more while you are awake.
17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
18. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner with his/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.
20. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present..
21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
22. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
23. Smile and laugh more.
24. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

Society:
25. Call your family often.
26. Each day give something good to others.
27. Forgive everyone for everything.
28. Spend time with people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.
29. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
30. What other people think of you is none of your business.
31. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

Life:
32. Do the right thing!
33. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
34. GOD heals everything.
35. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
36. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
37. The best is yet to come.
38. When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it.
39. Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy.

Funny Jokes -

Funny Bad Jokes

Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.

Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the Woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.

Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.

Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.

Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker .
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients.
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do

Funny Jokes -

Funny Endearments Joke

Endearments

A guy was invited to some old friends' home for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

He was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years. While the wife was off in the kitchen, the guy said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names."

His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago."


Funny Jokes -

Funny Good Morning Joke

GOOD MORNING

My face in the mirror
Isn't wrinkled or drawn.
My house isn't dirty.
The cobwebs are gone.
My garden looks lovely
And so does my lawn.
I think I might never...

Put my glasses back on.


Funny Jokes -

Funny Hairdryer Joke

The Hairdryer- Getting a hairdryer through customs...

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest
beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?
'Of course child What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid
they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you
have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is,to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'

Funny Jokes -

Funny Walmart Joke

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind
him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Walmart. Just give it a urine
sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do
about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars. A lot cheaper
than a Doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Walmart.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the
urine sample.

He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm
in warm water and avoid heavy activity.
It will improve in two
weeks.
Thank you for shopping @ Walmart.

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was,

Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples
from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Walmart eager to check the results.

He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the
results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
(Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your
elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Walmart.

Funny Jokes -

Funny Joke

Final Requests

A woman in Brooklyn decided to prepare her Will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered all over Bloomingdales.

"Why Bloomingdales?

" asked the rabbi.

"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

Funny Jokes -

Funny Soccer Joke

The Soccer Stars

A teacher at a school for blind kids is taking his school's soccer team to an "away game". They stop for a rest break, and to let the kids work off some energy with a little impromptu practice in a nearby pasture. The teacher is sitting in a nearby diner, explaining to another patron how it is that blind kids can play soccer.

"We made a special ball, with a bell in it, so the kids can keep track of where the ball is and what it's doing by listening for it. They're pretty good at it too."

"Very clever!" remarks the other patron.

Just then they are interrupted as another patron, who is looking out the window, says, "Hey! Are you the guy with those darn blind kids from the bus?"

"Yes," says the teacher, stung by the way "his" kids are being referred to, "what about it? You got something against blind kids?"

"Nothing, ordinarily," says the guy, still scowling out the window, "but you better get them rounded up quick! They're kicking the heck out of my best milk cow!"


Funny Jokes -

Funny God Joke

God Takes a Holiday

God is tired, worn out. So he speaks to St. Peter, "You know, I need a vacation. Got any suggestions where I should go?"

St. Peter, thinking, nods his head, then says, "How about Jupiter? It's nice and warm there this time of the year."

God shakes His head before saying, "No. Too much gravity. You know how that hurts my back."

"Hmmm," St. Peter reflects. "Well, how about Mercury?"

"No way!" God mutters, "It's way too hot for me there!"

"I've got it," St. Peter says, his face lighting up. "How about going Down to Earth for your vacation?"

Chuckling, God remarks, "Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went there, had an affair with some nice Jewish girl, and they're STILL talking about it!"


Funny Jokes -

Funny Sick Jokes

For the Sick

A little 9 year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.

"Mommy" she said, " Can we leave now?"

"No." her mother replied.

"Well, I think I have to throw up!"

"Well, then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."

In about 2 minutes the little girl returned to her seat.

"Did you throw up?" her mother asked.

"Yes," replied the little girl.

"Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?"

"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy," she replied. "They have a box next to the front door that says 'for the sick.'"



Funny Jokes -

Funny Joke

Upholstered

Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine?

He's fully recovered.


Funny Jokes -

Funny Joke

Appearances...

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose in to other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Elmer, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Elmer (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know exactly what he was doing!

Elmer, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny... he said nothing.

Later that evening, Elmer quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... walked home... and left it there all night.


Funny Jokes -

Funny Joke

Louis Armstrong was flying back from Europe, and on the same plane was
then-Congressman Richard Nixon. Nixon was apparently a fan of Louis and they
chatted throughout the flight.

When they arrived in New York, Louis said to Nixon, listen I'm an old man
and I've got all this stuff to carry, why don't you carry my trumpet for me
and help me out?

And that is the story of how Richard Nixon carried Louis Armstrong's stash
of weed through customs at the New York airport.

Thanks To,
Jack Kolb
Dept. of English, UCLA

Funny Jokes -

Funny Penniless Joke

People always say, "It's such a shame. He died penniless."

As if that's a terrible thing.

I don't know, it sounds like good timing to m

Funny Jokes -

Funny Little Pauly Joke

Little Pauly was diligently pounding away on the keyboard of Uncle
T.O.P.'s computer, using a word processor.

"What are you doing?" Asked Uncle T.O.P.

"I'm writing a story in French," replied Pauly.

"Merveilleux! What's it about?"

Pauly: "I don't know. I can't read French."


Funny Jokes -

Famous Joke

The Train Engineer and His Fireman

A steam locomotive passing through Poland one night was running
low on coal. The engineer said to his fireman, "We're coming to a
town, let's stop and send the porter out to get more coal. Can you
see the name of the town on the depot sign?"

The fireman replied, "It appears to be Danzig in the dark."

And the engineer shouted, "Buy coal, Porter!"


Funny Jokes -

Funny Joke

He: "Do you take your glasses off because you think it makes you look better?"

She: "No, I take them off because it makes YOU look better!"

Funny Jokes -

Funny Political Joke

"I think it's important to note that nobody hates the troops
more than decorated war hero John Kerry. We're all very, very
lucky that we have draft-dodgers like George Bush and Dick
Cheney to point that out to us."
- Jimmy Kimmel

Funny Jokes -

Funny Political Joke

"Last night eight Republicans running away from President Bush
were killed when they ran head-on into eight Democrats running
away from John Kerry."
- Argus Hamilton

Funny Jokes -

Funny Dear John Joke

Dear John....

Sen. John Kerry, trying to put the diss on President Bush
with a joke, stepped on his tongue until it sounded like
he was calling the troops in Iraq stupid:

"You know, education, if you make the most of it, if you
study hard and you do your homework, and you make an effort
to be smart, uh, you, you can do well. If you don't, you
get stuck in Iraq."

....followed by 24/7 of the GOP's "manufactured outrage"....

"Senator Kerry said he was just making a joke and he botched
it up. I guess we didn't get the nuance. Actually, he was for
the joke before he was against it."
- Vice President "Dick" Cheney

Funny Jokes -

Funny Housewife Joke

THE HOUSEWIFE
A sexy little housewife had such a great body that the TV repairman couldn't take his eyes off her. Every time she came in the room, he'd just about jerk his neck right out of joint looking at her.

When he finished, she paid him and said, "I'm going to make a... well... an unusual request. But first, you have to promise me that you'll keep it a secret."

The repairman quickly agreed and she went on. "Well, it's kind of embarrassing to talk about, but while my husband is a kind, decent man -- sigh -- he has a certain physical weakness. A certain disability. Now, I'm a woman and you're a man..."

The repairman could hardly speak, "Yes, yes..."

"And since I've been wanting to ever since you came in the door..."

"Yes, yes..."
"Would you help me move the refrigerator?"

Funny Jokes -

Funny Joke

If it's worth fighting for, it's worth fighting dirty for.

Don't lie, cheat or steal...unnecessarily.

There is always one more S.O.B. than you counted on.

An honest answer can get you into a lot of trouble.

The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

Chicken Little only has to be right once.

"NO" is only an interim response.

You can't kill a bad idea.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you ever
tried.

Funny Jokes -

Funny Office Joke

True to Form:

Memo No. 1:
A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4
p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. Fashion show to follow.
Attendance is mandatory.

Memo No. 2:
As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, the Committee On
Committee's has appointed a 14-member Casual Day Task
Force to prepare guidelines for proper dress.

Memo No. 3:
The Casual Day Task Force has completed a 30-page manual.
A copy of "Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company
Standards" has been mailed to each employee. Please review
the chapter "You Are What You Wear" and consult the "home
casual" versus "business casual" checklist before leaving for
work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness
of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before
7 a.m. on Friday.

Memo No. 4:
Because of lack of participation, Casual Day has been
discontinued, effective immediately.

Funny Jokes -

Funny Office Joke

True To Form

Memo No. 1:
Effective immediately, the company is adopting Fridays as
Casual Day so that employees may express their diversity.

Memo No. 2:
Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for
Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.

Memo No. 3:
Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning
Friday's wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.

Funny Jokes -

Funny Joke

I was out splitting and cutting firewood most of the morning Sunday, so I
took the afternoon off, plunked myself down in front of the teevee, and
spent all the ding-dong day watching football.... so much so, I fell asleep
watching the late game and spent the whole night in my chair.

This morning, MrsPBen woke me up: "Get up dear," she said, "it's 20 to 6."

Instantly alert, I jumped up and asked, "Who's ahead?!?"

Funny Jokes -

Funny Computer Joke

FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! (it comes bundled with the software).

Funny Jokes -

Famous Joke

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his
grandmother and found a water pistol. He squealed with de-
light and headed for the nearest sink.
I was not so pleased.

I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you
remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"

Mom smiled and then replied, "I remember."

Funny Jokes -

Funny Bush Joke

[President] Bush, in full campaign mode, called Kerry's
statement "shameful," asserting that "education has nothing
to do with whether you serve your country in time of war --
everybody knows it really depends on who your Daddy is."
- SatiricalPolitical.com

Funny Jokes -

Funny Jokes - Christmas in Los Angeles

Christmas Jokes -

Christmas in Los Angeles is always interesting. Seeing carolers dressed in Bermuda shorts...groping their way through the smog singing: "It came upon a midnight clear."

Funny Jokes - Police Officer's Christmas

Funny Jokes -
THE POLICE OFFICER'S CHRISTMAS

'Twas the night before Christmas
and throughout the substation,
Not a deputy stirred,
they were all on vacation.

The stockings were hung
on the wall with great care,
Next to some T-shirts
and old underwear.

I was working the night shift
compiling stats,
Answering the phone,
and feeding the rats.

When all of a sudden
there arose such a clatter,
I leapt from my desk
to see what was the matter!

I opened the door
with a creak and a crick,
And saw a jolly red fat man
I knew must be St. Nick.

I had seen his picture
a time or two,
He was wanted:
Article 27 - Section 342.

I threw open the door
and commanded him "Freeze!
Put your hands on you head
and get down on your knees!"

But he turned and he ran,
up the chimney he flew,
With me in pursuit,
toward Booth St. I knew.

When we got to the roof
Santa made for his sleigh,
Throwing down toys
and blocking my way.

As I got to the peak,
he threw down some crack,
I slipped and I fell
landing flat on my back.

To my front I was faced
with a toy M-1 tank,
And Pink Power Rangers
covering my flank.

"On Dasher, on Dancer!",
he cried loud and clear.
Then I got off three rounds
and dropped the lead deer.

And I heard Santa say
as he sailed into the blue,
"Merry Christmas to all!
My Lawyers will sue!"

Funny Jokes - Christmas Morning

Funny Jokes -
Every Christmas morning, when my kids were little, I read them the nativity
story out of the big family bible.

When the youngest was old enough to talk, she asked me what a stable was.

I thought for a moment how to explain it to her in terms she could
understand, then told her, "It's something like your sister's room, but
without a stereo."

Funny Jokes - Watchdog

Funny Jokes -
WATCHDOG
Tonight's my first night as a watchdog,
And here it is Christmas Eve.
The children are sleeping all cozy upstairs,
While I'm guarding the stockin's and tree,
What's that now - footsteps on the rooftop?
Could it be a cat or a mouse?
Who's this down the chimney?
A thief with a beard,
And a big sack for robbin' the house?
I'm barkin', I'm growlin', I'm bitin' his butt.
He howls and jumps back in his sleigh.
I scare his strange horses, they leap in the air,
I've frightened the whole bunch away.
Now the house is all peaceful and quiet again,
The stockin's are safe as can be.
Won't the kiddies be glad when they wake up tomorrow,
And see how I've guarded the tree.

Tax Joke

The attitude of Congress toward hidden taxes is
not to do away with them, but to hide them better.

Funny Jokes -

ON INNER STRENGTH

I love the confidence that makeup gives me.
Tyra Banks

Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

Mrs. Pauly and her friend were talking about their labor-saving devices
as they pulled into our driveway. Her friend said, "I love my new
garage-door opener." "I love mine too," my wife replied, and she honked
the horn three times. That was the signal for me to come out and open
the garage...!