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7.28.2009

Funny Jokes

Applying for a Job

A man was applying for a job as a prison guard. The warden
said, "Now these are real tough guys in here. Do you think
you can handle it?"

"No problem," the applicant replied, "If they don't behave,
out they go!"


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7.27.2009

Funny Jokes

A Stork's Tale

Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork.
The baby stork is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm
him. "Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing
people babies and making them happy."

The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son are
sitting in the nest, the baby stork is crying, and mother is saying
"Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's
bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."

A few days later, the stork's parents are desperate: their son is
absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the
parents ask him where he's been all night.

The baby stork says, "Oh, just scaring the crap out of college
students!"


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7.26.2009

Funny Jokes

A unit of soldiers was marching a long dusty march across the
rolling prairie. It was a hot blistering day and the men, longing
for water and rest, were impatient to reach the next town.

A rancher rode past. "Say, friend", called out one of the men,
"how far is it to the next town?"

"Oh, a matter of two miles or so, I reckon," called back the
rancher.

Another long hour dragged by, and another rancher was encountered.

"How far to the next town?" the men asked him eagerly.

"Oh, a good two miles." was his reply.

After nearly another hour longer of marching, a third rancher came
along. "Hey, how far's the next town?" the tired men asked him.

"Not far," was the encouraging answer, "it's only about two miles."

"Well," sighed one of the marchers, "at least we're holding our
own!"


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7.25.2009

Funny Blonde Joke

A businessman got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the
elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying,
"T-G-I-F" (letters only). He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters
only)." She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again. He
acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."
The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and
said as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time.
The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical
expression, "S-H-I-T."
The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said,
"T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"
The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."

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7.24.2009

Funny Joke

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly
to the bartender who approached her immediately.

She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As
he did, she gently caressed his fullbeard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both
hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her
hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender.
"Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her
forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her
fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered,"There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper
towels in the ladiesroom."


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7.23.2009

Funny Wrong Number Joke

WRONG NUMBER
A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead.

"Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked.

"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children."

"Is that a record?" she inquired.

"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."


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7.15.2009

Funny Headline Jokes

Newspaper Headline Comedy

- Deaf College Opens Doors To Hearing

- Air Head Fired

- Steals Clock, Faces Time

- Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff

- Old School Pillars are Replaced By Alumni

- Bank Drive-In Window Blocked By Board

- Hospitals are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors

- Some Pieces Of Rock Hudson Sold At Auction

- Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training

- Include Your Children When Baking Cookies


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7.12.2009

Funny Do Not Touch Joke

Do Not Touch!

Our supply clerk at the factory was in a dither. A box had been left on the loading dock with this warning printed on it: "Danger! Do Not Touch!"

Management was called, and we were told to stay clear of the box until it could be analyzed. When the foreman arrived, he donned safety goggles and gloves, and then he carefully opened the box.

Inside were 25 signs that read: Danger! Do Not Touch!

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7.08.2009

Funny Overworked Joke

Overworked

When we were looking to buy property, I had this overzealous realtor show us what can only be described as a totally worn-out old farm. I mean the land had just been worked to death. The weeds on the property were hardly even growing.

The smiling super salesman said, "Now really, all this land needs is a little water, a nice cool breeze and some good people."

I replied, "Yeah, I agree. But, couldn't the same be said of Hell?"

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7.04.2009

Funny Jokes

Always drink upstream from the herd.
- Will Rogers

Ten soldiers wisely led will beat a hundred without a head.
- Euripides


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7.02.2009

Funny Joke

What cant ravel around the world but stay in one corner?

a stamp

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6.30.2009

Famous Marry Joke

How Do You Decide Who To Marry?

"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." Ana, age 10


“No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with." Kirsten, age 10


What Is The Right Age To Get Married?

"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person forever by then." Camille, age 10


"No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married." Freddie, age 6


How Can A Stranger Tell If Two People Are Married?

"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people." Eddie, 6


"You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." derrick, age 8


What Do You Think Your Mom And Dad Have In Common?

"Both don't want no more kids." Lori, age 8


What Do Most People Do On A Date?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. Lynnette, age 8.


"on the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." martin, age 10


What Would You Do On A First Date That Was Turning Sour?

"I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns." Craig, age 9


When Is It Ok To Kiss Someone?
"When they're rich." Pam, age 7


"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that."

Curt, age 7

"The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do." Howard, age 8


Is It Better To Be Single Or Married?

"It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them." Anita, 9


"Single is better, for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I’d just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper- changing." Kirsten, age 10


How Would The World Be Different If People Didn't Get Married?
"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?" Kelvin, age 8


"You can be sure of one thing - the boys would come chasing after us just the same as they do now." Roberta, age 7


How Would You Make A Marriage Work?
"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck." Ricky, age 10


"Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents" -Eric, age 6


"When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, 'I’ll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.' Then she says yes, but she's wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find out." -Anita, age 9


"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one." -Kelly, age 9


"My mother says to look for a man who is kind. So that's what I’ll do. I’ll find somebody who's kinda tall and kinda handsome." -Carolyn, age 8

"eighty-four. Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom." -Carolyn, age 8

"once I’m done with kindergarten, I’m going to find me a wife" -Bert, age 5


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6.28.2009

Funny Earring Joke

I have often wondered how this trend got started, I now have the answer.

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring, "he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my car."

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6.26.2009

Funny Jokes

Darwin Award Winners:

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked..... And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his Vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun,demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast . The man, frustrated, walked away.

A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage.
A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.


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6.08.2009

Funny Famous Jokes

* I Love Her, But...
[A collection of men's thoughts on their women.]

..... She has an uncanny way of standing between me and the television screen. Bases loaded, two strikes, three balls. The crowd goes wild, the pitch flies...!!!! And all I can see is her butt.
Howard, Dodge City, Kan.

.....
what's mine is hers. I buy her negligees; she sleeps in my T-shirts.
When she's cold she wears my wool socks to bed, never her own. She
steals my half-used razors; new ones are too sharp. She even wears my
boxers. I'm tempted to switch to briefs just to see what she'd do.
Dave, Martha's Vineyard, Mass.

..... She makes lists.
Things to buy. Things to do. People to call. If it's not on the list,
it doesn't get done. Once, to be funny, I put "sex" on the list.
Mistake. Now it has to be on the list, or it doesn't get done.
Nick, Wheeling, W.Va.

.....
When she gets an idea in her head, there's no stopping her. And no rest
for anyone until it's done. It's not so bad when the idea is to bake
cookies, or even to go on vacation. But when it's to build a new house,
or to get pregnant, things get pretty intense.
Jim, Minneapolis

.....
She'll brush her teeth but she won't go to the dentist. She says she's
not afraid of the pain, she just doesn't want to put herself in the
hands of any fellow who'd choose to be a dentist.
Terence, Gary, Ind.

..... she's stopped shaving her legs. She says that now people will know she's a natural blonde.
Ned, Tucson, Ariz.

..... She takes her half of the bed out of the middle.
Robin, Gladwyne, Pa.

.....
After sex, I mean the second after, she continues where she left off.
Her eyes open and before you can breathe, you hear, " ... And, oh,
yeah, I have to defrost the chicken, and your mother wants you to pick
up her dry cleaning ..."
Jimmy, Fort Lauderdale, Fla.

.....
In bed I'm her high school teacher, captain of the football team, her
boss, the bad boy, a waiter, a lifeguard, a telephone repairman, a cop.
Once in a while I'd like to be me.
Neil, Orlando, Fla.

..... She wears these false eyelashes. She left 'em lying around and I slammed 'em with my newspaper, tried to kill the damn things. Scared me half to death.
Gordon, Oklahoma City, Okla.

..... Counting my wife and our teenage girls, that's four women. Somebody's always got PMS.
Everett, Little Rock, Ark.

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6.06.2009

Funny Famous Joke

Hi,

For better tomorrow of yours and your family....

Health:
1. Drink plenty of water.
2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.
4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm, and Empathy.
5. Make time to practice meditation, yoga, and prayer.
6. Play more games.
7. Read more books than you did in 2008.
8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.
9. Sleep for 7 hours.
10. Take a 10-30 minutes walk every day. And while you walk, smile.

Personality:
11. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
12. Don't have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
13. Don't over do. Keep your limits.
14. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
15. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.
16. Dream more while you are awake.
17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
18. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner with his/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.
20. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present..
21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
22. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
23. Smile and laugh more.
24. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

Society:
25. Call your family often.
26. Each day give something good to others.
27. Forgive everyone for everything.
28. Spend time with people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.
29. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
30. What other people think of you is none of your business.
31. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

Life:
32. Do the right thing!
33. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
34. GOD heals everything.
35. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
36. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
37. The best is yet to come.
38. When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it.
39. Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy.

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6.05.2009

Funny Bad Jokes

Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.

Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the Woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.

Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.

Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.

Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker .
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients.
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do

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6.02.2009

Funny Endearments Joke

Endearments

A guy was invited to some old friends' home for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

He was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years. While the wife was off in the kitchen, the guy said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names."

His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago."


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6.01.2009

Funny Good Morning Joke

GOOD MORNING

My face in the mirror
Isn't wrinkled or drawn.
My house isn't dirty.
The cobwebs are gone.
My garden looks lovely
And so does my lawn.
I think I might never...

Put my glasses back on.


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4.14.2009

Funny Walmart Joke

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind
him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Walmart. Just give it a urine
sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do
about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars. A lot cheaper
than a Doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Walmart.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the
urine sample.

He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm
in warm water and avoid heavy activity.
It will improve in two
weeks.
Thank you for shopping @ Walmart.

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was,

Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples
from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Walmart eager to check the results.

He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the
results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
(Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your
elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Walmart.

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4.13.2009

Funny Sailboat Joke

Capsized Sailboat

Did you hear about the lawyer on vacation whose sailboat capsized in dangerous, shark-infested waters?

He surprised his traveling companions by volunteering to swim to the far-off shore for help. As he swam, his companions were startled by the appearance of two dorsal fins -- great white sharks, heading straight toward the lawyer.

To their surprise, the sharks allowed the lawyer to take hold of their fins, and escorted him safely to shore.

When the lawyer returned with help, his companions asked him how he had managed such an incredible feat. The lawyer answered, "Professional courtesy."


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4.12.2009

Funny Joke

Final Requests

A woman in Brooklyn decided to prepare her Will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered all over Bloomingdales.

"Why Bloomingdales?

" asked the rabbi.

"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

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4.11.2009

Funny Soccer Joke

The Soccer Stars

A teacher at a school for blind kids is taking his school's soccer team to an "away game". They stop for a rest break, and to let the kids work off some energy with a little impromptu practice in a nearby pasture. The teacher is sitting in a nearby diner, explaining to another patron how it is that blind kids can play soccer.

"We made a special ball, with a bell in it, so the kids can keep track of where the ball is and what it's doing by listening for it. They're pretty good at it too."

"Very clever!" remarks the other patron.

Just then they are interrupted as another patron, who is looking out the window, says, "Hey! Are you the guy with those darn blind kids from the bus?"

"Yes," says the teacher, stung by the way "his" kids are being referred to, "what about it? You got something against blind kids?"

"Nothing, ordinarily," says the guy, still scowling out the window, "but you better get them rounded up quick! They're kicking the heck out of my best milk cow!"


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4.10.2009

Funny God Joke

God Takes a Holiday

God is tired, worn out. So he speaks to St. Peter, "You know, I need a vacation. Got any suggestions where I should go?"

St. Peter, thinking, nods his head, then says, "How about Jupiter? It's nice and warm there this time of the year."

God shakes His head before saying, "No. Too much gravity. You know how that hurts my back."

"Hmmm," St. Peter reflects. "Well, how about Mercury?"

"No way!" God mutters, "It's way too hot for me there!"

"I've got it," St. Peter says, his face lighting up. "How about going Down to Earth for your vacation?"

Chuckling, God remarks, "Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went there, had an affair with some nice Jewish girl, and they're STILL talking about it!"


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4.08.2009

Funny Joke

Upholstered

Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine?

He's fully recovered.


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3.12.2009

Funny Joke

Appearances...

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose in to other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Elmer, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Elmer (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know exactly what he was doing!

Elmer, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny... he said nothing.

Later that evening, Elmer quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... walked home... and left it there all night.


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3.11.2009

Funny Joke

Louis Armstrong was flying back from Europe, and on the same plane was
then-Congressman Richard Nixon. Nixon was apparently a fan of Louis and they
chatted throughout the flight.

When they arrived in New York, Louis said to Nixon, listen I'm an old man
and I've got all this stuff to carry, why don't you carry my trumpet for me
and help me out?

And that is the story of how Richard Nixon carried Louis Armstrong's stash
of weed through customs at the New York airport.

Thanks To,
Jack Kolb
Dept. of English, UCLA

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3.07.2009

Funny Joke

He: "Do you take your glasses off because you think it makes you look better?"

She: "No, I take them off because it makes YOU look better!"

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3.06.2009

Funny Political Joke

"I think it's important to note that nobody hates the troops
more than decorated war hero John Kerry. We're all very, very
lucky that we have draft-dodgers like George Bush and Dick
Cheney to point that out to us."
- Jimmy Kimmel

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3.05.2009

Funny Political Joke

"Last night eight Republicans running away from President Bush
were killed when they ran head-on into eight Democrats running
away from John Kerry."
- Argus Hamilton

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3.04.2009

Funny Dear John Joke

Dear John....

Sen. John Kerry, trying to put the diss on President Bush
with a joke, stepped on his tongue until it sounded like
he was calling the troops in Iraq stupid:

"You know, education, if you make the most of it, if you
study hard and you do your homework, and you make an effort
to be smart, uh, you, you can do well. If you don't, you
get stuck in Iraq."

....followed by 24/7 of the GOP's "manufactured outrage"....

"Senator Kerry said he was just making a joke and he botched
it up. I guess we didn't get the nuance. Actually, he was for
the joke before he was against it."
- Vice President "Dick" Cheney

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3.03.2009

Funny Housewife Joke

THE HOUSEWIFE
A sexy little housewife had such a great body that the TV repairman couldn't take his eyes off her. Every time she came in the room, he'd just about jerk his neck right out of joint looking at her.

When he finished, she paid him and said, "I'm going to make a... well... an unusual request. But first, you have to promise me that you'll keep it a secret."

The repairman quickly agreed and she went on. "Well, it's kind of embarrassing to talk about, but while my husband is a kind, decent man -- sigh -- he has a certain physical weakness. A certain disability. Now, I'm a woman and you're a man..."

The repairman could hardly speak, "Yes, yes..."

"And since I've been wanting to ever since you came in the door..."

"Yes, yes..."
"Would you help me move the refrigerator?"

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3.02.2009

Funny Joke

If it's worth fighting for, it's worth fighting dirty for.

Don't lie, cheat or steal...unnecessarily.

There is always one more S.O.B. than you counted on.

An honest answer can get you into a lot of trouble.

The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

Chicken Little only has to be right once.

"NO" is only an interim response.

You can't kill a bad idea.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you ever
tried.

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3.01.2009

Funny Office Joke

True to Form:

Memo No. 1:
A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4
p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. Fashion show to follow.
Attendance is mandatory.

Memo No. 2:
As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, the Committee On
Committee's has appointed a 14-member Casual Day Task
Force to prepare guidelines for proper dress.

Memo No. 3:
The Casual Day Task Force has completed a 30-page manual.
A copy of "Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company
Standards" has been mailed to each employee. Please review
the chapter "You Are What You Wear" and consult the "home
casual" versus "business casual" checklist before leaving for
work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness
of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before
7 a.m. on Friday.

Memo No. 4:
Because of lack of participation, Casual Day has been
discontinued, effective immediately.

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2.28.2009

Funny Office Joke

True To Form

Memo No. 1:
Effective immediately, the company is adopting Fridays as
Casual Day so that employees may express their diversity.

Memo No. 2:
Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for
Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.

Memo No. 3:
Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning
Friday's wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.

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2.25.2009

Funny Physics Joke

A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated
concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.

"Why do we have to learn this stuff?" one young man blurted out.

"To save lives," the professor responded before continuing the lecture.

A few minutes later the student spoke up again. "So how does physics
save lives?"

The professor stared at the student for a long time without saying a
word. Finally the professor continued.

"Physics saves lives," he said, "because it keeps certain people out of
medical school."

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2.20.2009

Famous Joke

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his
grandmother and found a water pistol. He squealed with de-
light and headed for the nearest sink.
I was not so pleased.

I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you
remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"

Mom smiled and then replied, "I remember."

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2.08.2009

Funny Jokes

The college football player knew his way around the locker
room better than he did the library, so when my husband's
co-worker saw the gridiron star roaming the stacks looking
confused, she asked how she could help.

"I have to read a play by Shakespeare," he said.

"Which one?" she asked.

He scanned the shelves and answered, "William."
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2.07.2009

Famous Joke

Dental Work

A guy went to his dentist for a checkup, and the dentist saw that his dental
plate was all corroded.

The dentist asked, "What have you been doing? Have you changed your diet or
anything?"

The patient said, "I've discovered Hollandaise sauce and eat it every chance
I get. Maybe that's what's causing the problem."

The dentist answered, "Oh, I see. In that case, I'll make you a new plate
out of chrome."

The patient was puzzled. "Chrome? Why chrome?" he asked.

The dentist answered, "Because there's no plate like chrome for the
Hollandaise."

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2.06.2009

Funny Joke

Muldoon's dog died

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic!?

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2.05.2009

Funny Bush Joke

[President] Bush, in full campaign mode, called Kerry's
statement "shameful," asserting that "education has nothing
to do with whether you serve your country in time of war --
everybody knows it really depends on who your Daddy is."
- SatiricalPolitical.com

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4.16.2008

Tax Joke

The attitude of Congress toward hidden taxes is
not to do away with them, but to hide them better.

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