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7.27.2009

Funny Jokes

A Stork's Tale

Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork.
The baby stork is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm
him. "Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing
people babies and making them happy."

The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son are
sitting in the nest, the baby stork is crying, and mother is saying
"Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's
bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."

A few days later, the stork's parents are desperate: their son is
absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the
parents ask him where he's been all night.

The baby stork says, "Oh, just scaring the crap out of college
students!"


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7.26.2009

Funny Jokes

A unit of soldiers was marching a long dusty march across the
rolling prairie. It was a hot blistering day and the men, longing
for water and rest, were impatient to reach the next town.

A rancher rode past. "Say, friend", called out one of the men,
"how far is it to the next town?"

"Oh, a matter of two miles or so, I reckon," called back the
rancher.

Another long hour dragged by, and another rancher was encountered.

"How far to the next town?" the men asked him eagerly.

"Oh, a good two miles." was his reply.

After nearly another hour longer of marching, a third rancher came
along. "Hey, how far's the next town?" the tired men asked him.

"Not far," was the encouraging answer, "it's only about two miles."

"Well," sighed one of the marchers, "at least we're holding our
own!"


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7.23.2009

Funny Wrong Number Joke

WRONG NUMBER
A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead.

"Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked.

"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children."

"Is that a record?" she inquired.

"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."


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7.12.2009

Funny Do Not Touch Joke

Do Not Touch!

Our supply clerk at the factory was in a dither. A box had been left on the loading dock with this warning printed on it: "Danger! Do Not Touch!"

Management was called, and we were told to stay clear of the box until it could be analyzed. When the foreman arrived, he donned safety goggles and gloves, and then he carefully opened the box.

Inside were 25 signs that read: Danger! Do Not Touch!

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7.10.2009

Summer Clearance Sale

Summer Clearance Sale

"I see you went crazy at the big summer clearance sale," Wanda comments, as she looks at all the bags of merchandise her friend, Carol just brought home from the store.

"You got that right … I almost bought their elevator ’cause it was marked down."

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7.04.2009

Funny Jokes

Always drink upstream from the herd.
- Will Rogers

Ten soldiers wisely led will beat a hundred without a head.
- Euripides


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7.02.2009

Funny Joke

What cant ravel around the world but stay in one corner?

a stamp

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6.30.2009

Famous Marry Joke

How Do You Decide Who To Marry?

"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." Ana, age 10


“No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with." Kirsten, age 10


What Is The Right Age To Get Married?

"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person forever by then." Camille, age 10


"No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married." Freddie, age 6


How Can A Stranger Tell If Two People Are Married?

"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people." Eddie, 6


"You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." derrick, age 8


What Do You Think Your Mom And Dad Have In Common?

"Both don't want no more kids." Lori, age 8


What Do Most People Do On A Date?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. Lynnette, age 8.


"on the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." martin, age 10


What Would You Do On A First Date That Was Turning Sour?

"I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns." Craig, age 9


When Is It Ok To Kiss Someone?
"When they're rich." Pam, age 7


"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that."

Curt, age 7

"The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do." Howard, age 8


Is It Better To Be Single Or Married?

"It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them." Anita, 9


"Single is better, for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I’d just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper- changing." Kirsten, age 10


How Would The World Be Different If People Didn't Get Married?
"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?" Kelvin, age 8


"You can be sure of one thing - the boys would come chasing after us just the same as they do now." Roberta, age 7


How Would You Make A Marriage Work?
"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck." Ricky, age 10


"Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents" -Eric, age 6


"When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, 'I’ll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.' Then she says yes, but she's wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find out." -Anita, age 9


"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one." -Kelly, age 9


"My mother says to look for a man who is kind. So that's what I’ll do. I’ll find somebody who's kinda tall and kinda handsome." -Carolyn, age 8

"eighty-four. Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom." -Carolyn, age 8

"once I’m done with kindergarten, I’m going to find me a wife" -Bert, age 5


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6.08.2009

Funny Famous Jokes

* I Love Her, But...
[A collection of men's thoughts on their women.]

..... She has an uncanny way of standing between me and the television screen. Bases loaded, two strikes, three balls. The crowd goes wild, the pitch flies...!!!! And all I can see is her butt.
Howard, Dodge City, Kan.

.....
what's mine is hers. I buy her negligees; she sleeps in my T-shirts.
When she's cold she wears my wool socks to bed, never her own. She
steals my half-used razors; new ones are too sharp. She even wears my
boxers. I'm tempted to switch to briefs just to see what she'd do.
Dave, Martha's Vineyard, Mass.

..... She makes lists.
Things to buy. Things to do. People to call. If it's not on the list,
it doesn't get done. Once, to be funny, I put "sex" on the list.
Mistake. Now it has to be on the list, or it doesn't get done.
Nick, Wheeling, W.Va.

.....
When she gets an idea in her head, there's no stopping her. And no rest
for anyone until it's done. It's not so bad when the idea is to bake
cookies, or even to go on vacation. But when it's to build a new house,
or to get pregnant, things get pretty intense.
Jim, Minneapolis

.....
She'll brush her teeth but she won't go to the dentist. She says she's
not afraid of the pain, she just doesn't want to put herself in the
hands of any fellow who'd choose to be a dentist.
Terence, Gary, Ind.

..... she's stopped shaving her legs. She says that now people will know she's a natural blonde.
Ned, Tucson, Ariz.

..... She takes her half of the bed out of the middle.
Robin, Gladwyne, Pa.

.....
After sex, I mean the second after, she continues where she left off.
Her eyes open and before you can breathe, you hear, " ... And, oh,
yeah, I have to defrost the chicken, and your mother wants you to pick
up her dry cleaning ..."
Jimmy, Fort Lauderdale, Fla.

.....
In bed I'm her high school teacher, captain of the football team, her
boss, the bad boy, a waiter, a lifeguard, a telephone repairman, a cop.
Once in a while I'd like to be me.
Neil, Orlando, Fla.

..... She wears these false eyelashes. She left 'em lying around and I slammed 'em with my newspaper, tried to kill the damn things. Scared me half to death.
Gordon, Oklahoma City, Okla.

..... Counting my wife and our teenage girls, that's four women. Somebody's always got PMS.
Everett, Little Rock, Ark.

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6.02.2009

Funny Endearments Joke

Endearments

A guy was invited to some old friends' home for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

He was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years. While the wife was off in the kitchen, the guy said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names."

His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago."


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4.13.2009

Funny Sailboat Joke

Capsized Sailboat

Did you hear about the lawyer on vacation whose sailboat capsized in dangerous, shark-infested waters?

He surprised his traveling companions by volunteering to swim to the far-off shore for help. As he swam, his companions were startled by the appearance of two dorsal fins -- great white sharks, heading straight toward the lawyer.

To their surprise, the sharks allowed the lawyer to take hold of their fins, and escorted him safely to shore.

When the lawyer returned with help, his companions asked him how he had managed such an incredible feat. The lawyer answered, "Professional courtesy."


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2.25.2009

Funny Physics Joke

A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated
concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.

"Why do we have to learn this stuff?" one young man blurted out.

"To save lives," the professor responded before continuing the lecture.

A few minutes later the student spoke up again. "So how does physics
save lives?"

The professor stared at the student for a long time without saying a
word. Finally the professor continued.

"Physics saves lives," he said, "because it keeps certain people out of
medical school."

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2.08.2009

Funny Jokes

The college football player knew his way around the locker
room better than he did the library, so when my husband's
co-worker saw the gridiron star roaming the stacks looking
confused, she asked how she could help.

"I have to read a play by Shakespeare," he said.

"Which one?" she asked.

He scanned the shelves and answered, "William."
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2.06.2009

Funny Joke

Muldoon's dog died

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic!?

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12.20.2008

Funny Jokes - Christmas in Los Angeles

Christmas Jokes -

Christmas in Los Angeles is always interesting. Seeing carolers dressed in Bermuda shorts...groping their way through the smog singing: "It came upon a midnight clear."

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12.19.2008

Funny Jokes - Police Officer's Christmas

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THE POLICE OFFICER'S CHRISTMAS

'Twas the night before Christmas
and throughout the substation,
Not a deputy stirred,
they were all on vacation.

The stockings were hung
on the wall with great care,
Next to some T-shirts
and old underwear.

I was working the night shift
compiling stats,
Answering the phone,
and feeding the rats.

When all of a sudden
there arose such a clatter,
I leapt from my desk
to see what was the matter!

I opened the door
with a creak and a crick,
And saw a jolly red fat man
I knew must be St. Nick.

I had seen his picture
a time or two,
He was wanted:
Article 27 - Section 342.

I threw open the door
and commanded him "Freeze!
Put your hands on you head
and get down on your knees!"

But he turned and he ran,
up the chimney he flew,
With me in pursuit,
toward Booth St. I knew.

When we got to the roof
Santa made for his sleigh,
Throwing down toys
and blocking my way.

As I got to the peak,
he threw down some crack,
I slipped and I fell
landing flat on my back.

To my front I was faced
with a toy M-1 tank,
And Pink Power Rangers
covering my flank.

"On Dasher, on Dancer!",
he cried loud and clear.
Then I got off three rounds
and dropped the lead deer.

And I heard Santa say
as he sailed into the blue,
"Merry Christmas to all!
My Lawyers will sue!"

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12.18.2008

Funny Jokes - Christmas Morning

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Every Christmas morning, when my kids were little, I read them the nativity
story out of the big family bible.

When the youngest was old enough to talk, she asked me what a stable was.

I thought for a moment how to explain it to her in terms she could
understand, then told her, "It's something like your sister's room, but
without a stereo."

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12.17.2008

Funny Jokes - Watchdog

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WATCHDOG
Tonight's my first night as a watchdog,
And here it is Christmas Eve.
The children are sleeping all cozy upstairs,
While I'm guarding the stockin's and tree,
What's that now - footsteps on the rooftop?
Could it be a cat or a mouse?
Who's this down the chimney?
A thief with a beard,
And a big sack for robbin' the house?
I'm barkin', I'm growlin', I'm bitin' his butt.
He howls and jumps back in his sleigh.
I scare his strange horses, they leap in the air,
I've frightened the whole bunch away.
Now the house is all peaceful and quiet again,
The stockin's are safe as can be.
Won't the kiddies be glad when they wake up tomorrow,
And see how I've guarded the tree.

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4.16.2008

Tax Joke

The attitude of Congress toward hidden taxes is
not to do away with them, but to hide them better.

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