Funny Jokes Famous Jokes

Funny Jokes

noreply@blogger.com (Famous Quotations) — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 01:30:00 +0000

Whoever thought up the word mammogram? Every time I hear it, I think I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone.

Fourth of July Quotes

Funny Quotes - Insults

noreply@blogger.com (Famous Quotations) — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 01:17:00 +0000

I don't recognize you - I've changed a lot.
- Oscar Wilde

Birthday Sayings

Funny Jokes

noreply@blogger.com (Famous Quotations) — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 01:14:00 +0000

Birth control pills for granny

A doctor who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor looked through the list, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?!?"

"Yes, they help me sleep at night."

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!"

She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old granddaughter drinks... And believe me, it helps me sleep at night!"

About SJN

Funny Jokes

noreply@blogger.com (Famous Quotations) — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 03:27:00 +0000

The Cause Of Arthritis!

A man who reeked of alcohol flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of rum was sticking out of his ripped jacket pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked "Say, Father, do you know what causes arthritis?"

The priest, disgusted by the man's appearance and behavior snapped "It's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man!"

"Well, I'll be," the man muttered and returned to his newspaper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized, "I'm sorry to have come on so strong - I didn't mean it. How long have you been suffering from arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

Adoption

Funny Quotes - Insults

noreply@blogger.com (Famous Quotations) — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 02:17:00 +0000

I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.
- Clarence Darrow

On Language

Funny Quotes - Insults

noreply@blogger.com (Famous Quotations) — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 00:36:00 +0000

He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.
- Samuel Johnson

Funny Quotes Insults 80

Funny Jokes

noreply@blogger.com (Famous Quotations) — Sun, 29 Jun 2008 22:55:00 +0000

Giving New Life

I was interviewing a jeweler for a story I was writing on giving new life to old jewelry, and I asked him to tell me about his most memorable client.

"It was a divorced woman who had me make a pair of earrings from her inscribed wedding band," he remembered. "One earring read, 'with all,' and the other, 'my love.'

When I asked why she had wanted it done that way, she answered, 'To remind me the next time anyone says that to me, I should let in go in one ear and out the other.'"

Funny Jokes Texas Talk

Funny Jokes

noreply@blogger.com (Famous Quotations) — Sun, 29 Jun 2008 21:14:00 +0000

Battle of the sexes

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE): I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, and rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

Theres Roses For That

Funny Jokes

noreply@blogger.com (Famous Quotations) — Sun, 29 Jun 2008 18:28:00 +0000

Foiled

OLYMPIA, Wash. -- What kind of friends coat your apartment -- and nearly everything in it with tinfoil while you're away? Here's a hint: One of the only objects that escaped the shiny treatment was a book titled "Cruel Tricks for Dear Friends." Chris Kirk found his downtown Olympia apartment encased in aluminum foil when he returned home Monday night from a trip to Los Angeles. The walls, ceiling, cabinets and everything in between shimmered, after the prank orchestrated by Kirk's longtime friend, Luke Trerice, 26, who was staying in the apartment while Kirk was away. "He's known for large-scale strangeness," Kirk, 33, told The Olympian. "He warned me that he would be able to touch my stuff, but it didn't sound so bad." Trerice, who lives in Las Vegas, and a small group of friends draped the apartment with about 4,000 square feet of aluminum foil, which cost about $100. Not surprisingly, the idea was hatched on New Year's Eve. "It was just a spur of the moment thing," Trerice said. "I really don't even consider it art. I consider it a psychology project. ... He seems to be upbeat, so I consider this a success. " No detail was too small or too time-consuming. The toilet paper was unrolled, wrapped in foil, then rolled back up again. The friends covered Kirk's book and compact disc collections but made sure each CD case could open and shut normally. They even used foil on each coin in Kirk's spare change. And to sweeten the theme, they left silver Hershey's kisses sprinkled throughout the apartment. "The toilet was hard. The molding around the doorways took a very long time," Trerice said. Aside from "Cruel Tricks for Dear Friends," which doesn't include this particular trick, only a portrait of his girlfriend, the bed and a bath mat were left unfoiled. "He took special pains not to move anything," Kirk said. A foil-encased picture hanging outside his apartment was Kirk's first clue that something inside was amiss. "I heard him open the door and gasp and start laughing," said Beth Kelly, who lives in an apartment down the hall. "I love the quarters. It's almost more funny realizing the things that were left unwrapped." Andras Jones, who lives on the same floor, became curious about what was transpiring in Kirk's apartment as he noticed "a parade of strange characters" going in and out. Since Kirk's return the entire building has been buzzing about the transformation, Jones said. "There's a party atmosphere down by the room," Jones said. "Of course, everyone has their favorite part. I think the kitchen is just amazing." Kirk's awestruck neighbors and friends kept him up until late Monday night. He hasn't started unpacking his belongings and isn't sure when he will. " "As I was trying to sleep last night, I realized that, actually, it's creepy," Kirk said. And as for whether Trerice will ever be allowed to stay again at the apartment unsupervised, Kirk said: "I don't know. We'll see." But Trerice hopes Kirk will find a way to get him back. "I'm going to be insulted if he doesn't try," Trerice said. "It's kind of a challenge."

Driver License Picture
Funny Quotes Insults 80

Funny Jokes

noreply@blogger.com (Famous Quotations) — Sun, 29 Jun 2008 18:22:00 +0000

Diets are for people who are thick and tired of it.

It's something most of us do religiously: We eat what we want and pray we don't gain weight.

A Lawyer And A Blonde
Funny Fairy Tale 2007

Funny Jokes

noreply@blogger.com (Famous Quotations) — Sun, 29 Jun 2008 18:20:00 +0000

Whether he's buying books online or day trading on a discount broker's site, my 21-year-old brother Felix is constantly on the computer. One day as we drove by a neighbor's house, we noticed they were having an estate sale. As my brother peered at the sign in the front yard, he asked, "What's an E-state sale?"

Funny Jokes 97
Blog Of The Day Awards

Funny Quotes - Insults

noreply@blogger.com (Famous Quotations) — Sun, 29 Jun 2008 07:33:00 +0000

She had much in common with Hitler, only no mustache.
- Noel Coward

Funny Jokes Furniture Moving

Funny Jokes

noreply@blogger.com (Famous Quotations) — Thu, 29 May 2008 14:42:00 +0000

Two nuns ran out of gas on the highway and flagged down a truck to obtain some. The truck driver was more than willing to oblige them but said that he didn't have a receptacle to use for the transfer. "That's all right," said one of the nuns. "We do. Sister and I are returning from a nursing assignment and there's a bedpan in our car." So the truck driver siphoned out some gasoline and went on his way and the nuns embarked on the task of pouring it slowly and carefully into the tank of their car to avoid spilling any of the precious liquid. A passing motorist slowed down to see what the women were doing. "Christ!" he exclaimed to his companion. "That's what I call FAITH!"

Funny Jokes

Funny Jokes - Silly Jokes

noreply@blogger.com (Famous Quotations) — Mon, 26 May 2008 01:18:00 +0000

My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather. - Jackie Mason

Quotes Sayings Phrases

Funny Quotes - Insults

noreply@blogger.com (Famous Quotations) — Mon, 26 May 2008 01:17:00 +0000

So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.

Bill Austin

Funny Jokes - Silly Jokes

noreply@blogger.com (Famous Quotations) — Wed, 21 May 2008 20:57:00 +0000

TV commercials now show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. - Jerry Seinfeld

Funny Jokes

Funny Jokes

noreply@blogger.com (Famous Quotations) — Wed, 21 May 2008 18:59:00 +0000

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how is manifests itself:

I decide to wash my car. As I start toward to the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first, but then I think that since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my checkbook off the table and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, o I go to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking. I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I'd better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water, and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight, when we go to watch TV, we will be looking for the remote, but nobody will remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day; the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook,

I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to close friends you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.

Don't laugh - if this isn't you yet, your day is coming! And if I have sent this to you before....well, now you know why you're getting it again.

Joke of the Day

Funny Quotes - Insults

noreply@blogger.com (Famous Quotations) — Wed, 21 May 2008 17:16:00 +0000

He's the kind of man who picks his friends - to pieces.
- Mae West

Jokes

Funny Quotes - Insults

noreply@blogger.com (Famous Quotations) — Wed, 21 May 2008 16:48:00 +0000

She was what we used to call a suicide blonde - dyed by her own hand.
- Saul Bellow

More Funny Jokes

Funny Jokes

noreply@blogger.com (Famous Quotations) — Wed, 21 May 2008 07:58:00 +0000

Nude painting

Redneck Billy Joe Bob, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew and soon people from all over the country were coming to him for paintings. One day, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house in a stretch limo.

She asked Billy Joe Bob if he would paint her in the nude. This was the first time anyone had made this request. The beautiful lady said money was no object, she was willing to pay $50,000.

Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Billy Joe Bob asked the lady to wait while he went in the house and conferred with his wife.

In a few minutes he returned and told the lady he was willing to do it. However, he would have to leave his socks on so he would have some place to wipe his brushes.

Quotes Sayings Phrases

Tax Joke

noreply@blogger.com (Bonnie @ AZhttp) — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 18:46:00 +0000

The attitude of Congress toward hidden taxes is
not to do away with them, but to hide them better.

Funny Jokes -

Funny Jokes

noreply@blogger.com (Famous Quotations) — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 02:57:00 +0000

THE FIVE SECRETS OF A PERFECT RELATIONSHIP.....

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, who cleans up and who has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.

Cucumber Salad Recipes

Funny Quotes - Insults

noreply@blogger.com (Famous Quotations) — Sat, 05 Apr 2008 15:18:00 +0000

Why, this fellow don't know any more about politics than a pig knows about Sunday.
- Harry S Truman (about Dwight D. Eisenhower)

Love Quotes

Funny Quotes - Insults

noreply@blogger.com (Famous Quotations) — Sat, 05 Apr 2008 15:17:00 +0000

He knows so little and knows it so fluently.
- Ellen Glasgow

Jokes

Funny Jokes

noreply@blogger.com (Famous Quotations) — Sat, 05 Apr 2008 15:04:00 +0000

Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together for people over 50:

1. A nose ring and bifocals

2. Spiked hair and bald spots

3. A pierced tongue and dentures

4. Miniskirts and support hose

5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads

6. Speedos and cellulite

7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar

8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor

9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge

10. Bikinis and liver spots

11. Short shorts and varicose veins

12. In-line skates and a walker

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