Funny Jokes Famous Jokes

Song Quotes

wbaustin@worldnet.att.net (Bill Austin) — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 18:54:00 +0000

Song Quotes

I see trees of green........ red roses too
I see ’em bloom..... for me and for you
And I think to myself.... what a wonderful world.

I see skies of blue..... clouds of white
Bright blessed days....dark sacred nights
And I think to myself .....what a wonderful world.

The colors of a rainbow.....so pretty ..in the sky
Are also on the faces.....of people ..going by
I see friends shaking hands.....sayin’.. how do you do
They’re really sayin’......I love you.”

Louis Armstrong

The Golfer

wbaustin@worldnet.att.net (Bill Austin) — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 18:21:00 +0000

Funny Jokes -

The Golfer...[Adult]

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the
hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.
"I have some good news and some bad news." says the surgeon. "The bad news
is that I have to remove your right arm!"

"Oh god no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the
good news?"

"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's
arm! I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant"

"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course
when he bumped into the surgeon. "Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.

Just great" says the business man. "I'm playing the best golf of my life.
My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."

"That's great." said the surgeon.

"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've
learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes
in watercolors."

"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was
such a great success. I'm glad you didn't have side affects."

"Well, just one problem," said the golfer, "every time I get an erection I
also get a headache!"

Irish farmer in a car accident

wbaustin@worldnet.att.net (Bill Austin) — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 15:43:00 +0000

There are always 2 sides to a story!

An Irish farmer named Seamus had a car accident. In court, the lorry company's hotshot solicitor was questioning Seamus. "Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?’ asked the solicitor”.

Seamus responded: "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the . . ."

"I didn't ask for any details, the solicitor interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?"

Seamus said, " Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road . . ."

The solicitor interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Shamus' answer and said to the solicitor: "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie."

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"

"Now what the hell would you have said?"

wbaustin

Funny Jokes

wbaustin@worldnet.att.net (Bill Austin) — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 10:04:00 +0000

Applying for a Job

A man was applying for a job as a prison guard. The warden
said, "Now these are real tough guys in here. Do you think
you can handle it?"

"No problem," the applicant replied, "If they don't behave,
out they go!"

Funny Jokes -

Birthday Greetings

wbaustin@worldnet.att.net (Bill Austin) — Mon, 27 Jul 2009 18:53:00 +0000

A fellow was very much in love with a beautiful girl.

One day she told him that the next day was her birthday. He told her he would send her a bouquet of roses... one for each year of her life. That evening he called the local florist and ordered twenty-one roses with instructions that they be delivered first thing the next morning.

As the florist was preparing the order, he decided that since the young man was such a good customer, he would put an extra dozen roses in the bouquet.

The fellow never did find out what made the young girl so angry with him.

Funny Jokes

wbaustin@worldnet.att.net (Bill Austin) — Mon, 27 Jul 2009 10:02:00 +0000

A Stork's Tale

Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork.
The baby stork is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm
him. "Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing
people babies and making them happy."

The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son are
sitting in the nest, the baby stork is crying, and mother is saying
"Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's
bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."

A few days later, the stork's parents are desperate: their son is
absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the
parents ask him where he's been all night.

The baby stork says, "Oh, just scaring the crap out of college
students!"

Funny Jokes -

A man is meeting a friend at a bar

wbaustin@worldnet.att.net (Bill Austin) — Mon, 27 Jul 2009 01:21:00 +0000

A man is meeting a friend at a bar. When entering the bar he noticed two women
sitting at the bar and one looked his was and said "nine" to her friend.

Thinking positive the man thought that she just rated him (Nine Out Of Ten). The
man walked over to his friend and said "man see thoughts women over there, one
just rated me a nine out of ten?" his buddy replied "Man i Sorry to say this but
when i came in they were speaking German!"

if you don't know German nine (nein) means no



http://funnyquotations.blogspot.com/

Funny Stories

wbaustin@worldnet.att.net (Bill Austin) — Sun, 26 Jul 2009 23:20:00 +0000

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, an d added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank. Here is the exchange:

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you she died in
January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections. "

Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

Citibank: "Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both !"

Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?" (I really liked this part!!!!)

Citibank: "Excuse me?"

Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?"

Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor." (Duh!)

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

Citibank : "The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply." (This must be a phrase taught by the bank!)

Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"

Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)

Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

<>Family Member: "Sure." (Fax number is given )

After they get the fax:

Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."

Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep bi lling her. I don't think she will care."

Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."(What is wrong with these people?!?)

Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"

Citibank< /B>: "That might help."

Family Member: " Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69."

Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet???

Funny Stories

Funny Jokes

wbaustin@worldnet.att.net (Bill Austin) — Sun, 26 Jul 2009 09:30:00 +0000

A unit of soldiers was marching a long dusty march across the
rolling prairie. It was a hot blistering day and the men, longing
for water and rest, were impatient to reach the next town.

A rancher rode past. "Say, friend", called out one of the men,
"how far is it to the next town?"

"Oh, a matter of two miles or so, I reckon," called back the
rancher.

Another long hour dragged by, and another rancher was encountered.

"How far to the next town?" the men asked him eagerly.

"Oh, a good two miles." was his reply.

After nearly another hour longer of marching, a third rancher came
along. "Hey, how far's the next town?" the tired men asked him.

"Not far," was the encouraging answer, "it's only about two miles."

"Well," sighed one of the marchers, "at least we're holding our
own!"

Funny Jokes -

Funny Blonde Joke

wbaustin@worldnet.att.net (Bill Austin) — Sat, 25 Jul 2009 09:28:00 +0000

A businessman got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the
elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying,
"T-G-I-F" (letters only). He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters
only)." She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again. He
acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."
The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and
said as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time.
The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical
expression, "S-H-I-T."
The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said,
"T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"
The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."

Funny Jokes -

Funny Joke

wbaustin@worldnet.att.net (Bill Austin) — Fri, 24 Jul 2009 09:29:00 +0000

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly
to the bartender who approached her immediately.

She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As
he did, she gently caressed his fullbeard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both
hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her
hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender.
"Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her
forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her
fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered,"There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper
towels in the ladiesroom."

Funny Jokes -

Funny Wrong Number Joke

wbaustin@worldnet.att.net (Bill Austin) — Thu, 23 Jul 2009 09:26:00 +0000

WRONG NUMBER
A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead.

"Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked.

"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children."

"Is that a record?" she inquired.

"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."

Funny Jokes -

Famous Jokes

wbaustin@worldnet.att.net (Bill Austin) — Wed, 22 Jul 2009 09:46:00 +0000

The Friars of the Floral Business

Some Friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a
small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy
flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the
competition was unfair.

He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went
back and begged the Friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his
mother to go and ask the Friars to get out of business. They ignored
her, too.

So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most
vicious thug in town, to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the
Friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close
shop.

Terrified, the Friars did so - thereby proving that . . .

Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist Friars.

Funny Jokes -

Funny Jokes

wbaustin@worldnet.att.net (Bill Austin) — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 09:45:00 +0000

HOW TO STAY YOUNG

1. Try everything twice. On Madam's tombstone (of Whelan and Madam), she
said she wanted this epitaph: "Tried everything twice...loved it both
times!"

2. Keep only cheerful friends.
The grouches pull you down. (Keep this In mind if you are one of those
grouches).

3. Keep learning.
Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening,
whatever. Never let the brain get idle.
"An idle mind is the devil's workshop."
And the devil's name is Alzheimer's!

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

And if you have a friend who makes you laugh, spend lots and lots of time
with HIM/HER.

6. The tears happen.
Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire
life
is ourself. LIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love,
whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.
Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health:
If it is good, preserve it.
If it is unstable, improve it.
If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips! Take a trip to the mall, even to the next
county or to a foreign country, but NOT a guilt trip.
>>> 10. Tell the people you love that you love them at every opportunity.

And if you don't send this to at least 2 people - who cares?

But do share this with someone.

Good friends are like stars...you don't always see them,
but you know they are always there

Funny Jokes -

Married Jokes

wbaustin@worldnet.att.net (Bill Austin) — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 15:49:00 +0000

Married Jokes

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Funny Jokes

Losing a wife can be hard. In most cases, it is damned near impossible.

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he's finished.

Funny Jokes

Funny Conspiracy Joke

wbaustin@worldnet.att.net (Bill Austin) — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 12:50:00 +0000

"You must be the tenth doctor who's told me I'm
suffering from paranoia. What is this, some kind of
conspiracy?" --Baldwin

Funny Jokes -

Quote of the Day - Monument

wbaustin@worldnet.att.net (Bill Austin) — Sun, 19 Jul 2009 17:06:00 +0000

Quote of the Day...

"After I¹m dead I¹d rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I
have one."

- Cato the Elder (234-149 BC, AKA Marcus Porcius Cato)

Jokes Funny Jokes

Funny Blind Man Joke

wbaustin@worldnet.att.net (Bill Austin) — Sun, 19 Jul 2009 12:48:00 +0000

A woman was taking a shower. There is a
knock on the door. "Who is it?"

"Blind man!"

The woman opens the door. "Where do you
want these blinds, lady?"

Funny Jokes -

Funny Jokes - How to stay young

wbaustin@worldnet.att.net (Bill Austin) — Sat, 18 Jul 2009 23:32:00 +0000

Funny

Somking in a Crowded Cafeteria

wbaustin@worldnet.att.net (Bill Austin) — Sat, 18 Jul 2009 22:30:00 +0000

At a Cafeteria

It was afternoon in the crowded cafeteria. The elderly lady sitting at the counter was obviously upset at the cigarette smoke of the young woman beside her. Finally the older woman could take it no longer. She turned to the girl and bellowed with a loud voice "Young lady, I would rather commit adultery than smoke!"

"So would I," sighed the girl, "but you know, there just isn't time enough during a coffee break...."

Funny Jokes

Unlucky in Love

wbaustin@worldnet.att.net (Bill Austin) — Sat, 18 Jul 2009 21:27:00 +0000

Funny Love Quotes

Unlucky in Love

My brother is just not lucky in love. The other day he brought a girl back to his apartment and told her to make herself at home.

She did...she invited her boyfriend over

Cigarette Smoking Carpet Installer

wbaustin@worldnet.att.net (Bill Austin) — Sat, 18 Jul 2009 20:23:00 +0000

Problem Solved?

A carpet installer was laying new living room carpeting in a large mansion. After laboriously pulling, stretching, and tacking the carpet, he finally finished, and gratefully sat back to enjoy a cigarette.

Reaching into his shirt pocket, however, he found that his cigarettes were gone, and looking toward the center of the room, he saw a bulge the size of a cigarette pack under the new carpeting. He of course had no intention of pulling up the carpet, so instead he took a large mallet, and pounded the lump flat, so it could not be seen.

He then hopped in his truck and headed back to the office. On the way, he found his cigarettes in the glove compartment.

Just then his cellphone rang. When he answered it, he discovered it was the dispatcher from his office. The dispatcher said that the homeowner had just called them in a panic.

It seems their son's favorite pet hamster was missing. Had the carpet layer seen the hamster while he was in the house?

Cigarette Smoking Carpet Installer

Funny Quotes

COMPUTER USER'S REBOOT POEM

wbaustin@worldnet.att.net (Bill Austin) — Sat, 18 Jul 2009 19:21:00 +0000

THE COMPUTER USER'S REBOOT POEM

Don't you wish when life is bad and things just don't compute,
That all we really had to do was stop and hit reboot?

Things would all turn out ok, life could be so sweet
If we had those special keys Ctrl, Alt, and Delete

Your boss is mad, your bills not paid, your wife, well she's just mute,
Just stop and hit those wonderful keys that make it all reboot

You'd like to have another job but you fear living in the street?
You solve it all and start a new, Ctrl, Alt, and Delete.

Funny Jokes

Army Helicopter Pilot - Frequent Movers

wbaustin@worldnet.att.net (Bill Austin) — Sat, 18 Jul 2009 18:11:00 +0000

Jokes - Army Helicopter Pilot

Frequent Movers

As an Army helicopter pilot you never seem to live in one place for very long. Typically, during a move, you stay in a hotel until you can find a permanent place to have your things delivered.

The four children enjoy this greatly, although sometimes it can be a bit confusing for them.

Recently, as we were driving down an interstate and passed a Holiday Inn, our three-year-old squeaked in excitement from the back seat. "Look," he exclaimed. "There's our old house!"

Jokes Funny Jokes - Dick Cheney

wbaustin@worldnet.att.net (Bill Austin) — Sat, 18 Jul 2009 17:09:00 +0000

Jokes Funny Jokes

Body Armor

The U.S. military is now required to wear body armor consisting of four ceramic plates, despite temperatures of 110 degrees in Iraq.

QUESTION
The body armor was designed by:
a) one of "Dick" Cheney's buddies at Halliburton
b) one of "Dick" Cheney's hunting buddies