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7.30.2009

Song Quotes

Song Quotes

I see trees of green........ red roses too
I see ’em bloom..... for me and for you
And I think to myself.... what a wonderful world.

I see skies of blue..... clouds of white
Bright blessed days....dark sacred nights
And I think to myself .....what a wonderful world.

The colors of a rainbow.....so pretty ..in the sky
Are also on the faces.....of people ..going by
I see friends shaking hands.....sayin’.. how do you do
They’re really sayin’......I love you.”

Louis Armstrong

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The Golfer

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The Golfer...[Adult]

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the
hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.
"I have some good news and some bad news." says the surgeon. "The bad news
is that I have to remove your right arm!"

"Oh god no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the
good news?"

"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's
arm! I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant"

"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course
when he bumped into the surgeon. "Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.

Just great" says the business man. "I'm playing the best golf of my life.
My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."

"That's great." said the surgeon.

"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've
learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes
in watercolors."

"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was
such a great success. I'm glad you didn't have side affects."

"Well, just one problem," said the golfer, "every time I get an erection I
also get a headache!"

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7.28.2009

Irish farmer in a car accident

There are always 2 sides to a story!



An Irish farmer named Seamus had a car accident. In court, the lorry company's hotshot solicitor was questioning Seamus. "Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?’ asked the solicitor”.



Seamus responded: "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the . . ."



"I didn't ask for any details, the solicitor interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?"



Seamus said, " Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road . . ."



The solicitor interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."



By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Shamus' answer and said to the solicitor: "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie."



Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"



"Now what the hell would you have said?"

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Applying for a Job

A man was applying for a job as a prison guard. The warden
said, "Now these are real tough guys in here. Do you think
you can handle it?"

"No problem," the applicant replied, "If they don't behave,
out they go!"


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7.27.2009

Birthday Greetings

A fellow was very much in love with a beautiful girl.

One day she told him that the next day was her birthday. He told her he would send her a bouquet of roses... one for each year of her life. That evening he called the local florist and ordered twenty-one roses with instructions that they be delivered first thing the next morning.

As the florist was preparing the order, he decided that since the young man was such a good customer,
he would put an extra dozen roses in the bouquet.

The fellow never did find out what made the young girl so angry with him.

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A Stork's Tale

Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork.
The baby stork is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm
him. "Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing
people babies and making them happy."

The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son are
sitting in the nest, the baby stork is crying, and mother is saying
"Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's
bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."

A few days later, the stork's parents are desperate: their son is
absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the
parents ask him where he's been all night.

The baby stork says, "Oh, just scaring the crap out of college
students!"


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7.26.2009

A man is meeting a friend at a bar

A man is meeting a friend at a bar. When entering the bar he noticed two women
sitting at the bar and one looked his was and said "nine" to her friend.

Thinking positive the man thought that she just rated him (Nine Out Of Ten). The
man walked over to his friend and said "man see thoughts women over there, one
just rated me a nine out of ten?" his buddy replied "Man i Sorry to say this but
when i came in they were speaking German!"

if you don't know German nine (nein) means no



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